I Am Thankful for My Life

Running out of luck is a blessing. To help see emptiness in all things.

originally posted by: glend
Running out of luck is a blessing. To help see emptiness in all things.

The only way to know which way Luck goes is at the end of the road.

All the setbacks may just be positioning for a great comeback.

We will see.

Anyone who knows my patterns will know that I let my feelings flow so that means I go up and down a lot.

Like today has been much more somber and I was so deep in thinking that I barely noticed anything other than basic safety.

When I feel something I really feel it and examine and analyze the feeling closely to try and understand it.

After awhile you really do become numb to pain. It's so strange when a horrible feeling resides because it's been bothering you so much it lost its effect...

Idk...


I'm so sleepy maybe I'll feel better tomorrow...

Wait I'll have a smoke first and type more. Then sleep.

Ok.
I truly believe Im the dumbest person on earth.
It takes me forever to learn and grow.

At the same tho, because I didn't understand anything and need to be shown multiple times and I need to ask all these minor questions - I end up learning it very well in due time. But it's slow and Im always so confused and perplexed lol.

So the only reasons I appear smart is because I'm dumb and stubbornly resisting my stupidity.

I'm so dumb that in order to understand something I ask questions all of you took for granted. It's like you knew or assumed something that I simply could never have guessed in a vacuum.

It's basic stuff too. Things y'all think are simple takes me forever to figure out. Some things I never figure out.

I can never figure out my life.
That much is for sure.

I admit I'm a lil envious of literally everyone because of this.

Love is something I definitely don't understand despite that I'm a huge sucker for it.

I feel it and know that's what this experience is but I've learned to not trust it.

If I had a shred of evidence to prove Love is worth trusting in I wouldn't be here now.

I spent my whole life blindly trusting in Love and every single time I believed in a fantasy, a lie.

That sounds pretty terrible but if God's real it'll get fixed right?

The only way I found happiness this summer for a brief moment in my life was because I pushed all of these things away and just tried my best to not think about it and not care.

To just get over the fact I seek Love but never find it.

I'm like the most creatively romantic and divinely inspired person there is, when I feel it. So really it's a huge loss I can't express it and no one receives it.

Almost everything I wrote has been inspired by my Love and Faith, though that may not be apparent.

I have seriously considered creating threads where I just express my feelings to the Goddess - the point of the thread is for others to see and learn from.

But I wouldn't be talking to any person. I'd be expressing my deepest notions and people could finally see inside me to know what I'm really made of.

I'm reluctant to show this because I only know of abuse and mistreatment. I don't feel good about letting anyone know my deeper feelings any more.

My feelings are a crime.
I am made to be ashamed for who I am.

My trial starts Friday...
I don't want to go.

I wanna run to Belize or never be born or something.

I am being destroyed because I Loved and am too nice. I just get walked on and stomped in the face and then I feel the dirt fall on me as I'm buried alive.

That's my experience.
Suffocation.

Because I have this huge treasure inside of the best content ever and I can tie it all into itself in magical ways and just keep upping the game like there's no limit to my Spirit.

Not being able to express this energy properly leaves me super frustrated and angry with everyone. Like I have no tolerance for anything sometimes and I get ruthless with it. It's pretty screwed up.

I don't think any of this is right.
I should be allowed to speak my Heart.

Living in a world that censors and punishes me for my genuine and good emotions is so upsetting I start becoming this monster inside and ....

For I don't know how many years I've felt so ignored unappreciated and unloved I've been sorta like this.

I'm not sure but deep down I think I loved ATS because in my desperate search for love I may have squeezed a few drops out of y'all.

It gets really hard sometimes. Someone can give me a huge compliment and I'll thank them but truly I don't believe in it and feel it's hollow.

It always leaves me wishing it were true. Wishing that I was valuable and others cared about me the way we should all love each other.

I know I failed and that's what I think about the most. A million victories can't bring it back and give me another chance.

So yeah, that's why I am capable of so much - in your eyes - because I've always felt so disadvantaged and unloved.

That's why I could, and still can, throw a football perfectly on any moving target or run faster than anyone. Its why I write so well. It's why I come up with new ideas. It's why I live just one more day... Hoping for that "Love" that seems more of a myth now than any plausible reality.

I felt so disadvantaged because I believed I was born ugly that I would strive to outperform everyone and prove I was worth loving but nothing ever worked and I tried harder and harder...

So that's why I'm domineering in the face of anyone because they got it all handed to them while I've been fighting this war every day of my life. So I'm resentful and ruthless with my words when I'm pissed off.

At some point I had to accept that I am unlovable and that I need to embrace that and rely on my strengths like using my sharp tongue to stab anyone in their hearts so they'll know a drop of the ocean I feel.

Somewhere along the line I didn't care if ppl hated me anymore and I got bolder and more brash and brazen with my audacity.

I am only as deep or intelligent or as insightful as I am hurt inside. All that pain I transmitted into everything you have seen from me.

The ups the downs, all those threads, etc.
They are symbolic of the depths of my heartache.

If I ever impressed you even once it wasn't because I'm smart and teaching you. It's because I'm desperately begging you to love and cherish me as a human being.

At this point Im so exiled away in my own mind that you could try to love me and I'd reject it. It just hurts too much now to even want it anymore.

Yes its real you can desire nothing more than love but yet be so incredibly damaged and hurt inside that you would outright reject it if it were laid on a platter on your lap.

I'm just so screwed up now and dont know how to fix it. I just ... am trying to let go and accept.

If only I could express 1% of what I wish to convey, maybe then you'd understand. There's no way to describe it in justice - your reality and life. Its too big to tell someone and expect them to see what you see in your mind as you try and relate it.

I can't even describe an hour of my day adequately. You really have to be in person to see what someone is like and experience them.

I Am Thankful for My Life...

Because I still have a chance to find Love and be happy in it finally.

That's the whole point.

I wonder if any of you could read even half of these things between the lines of my words before I told you about it directly in the last few years?

I bet you couldn't see more than a momentary glimmer of what lies beneath the surface...

I could write a book and still not express 1% of it.

There is no deeper depth to me than my pain. At my core is hurt and anger and resentment and a lot of tears and sorrows.

That is the Heart of me, my center of gravity - suffering.

I do not seek pain in fact I avoid it like the plague it is. It always finds me tho. There's no where to run or hide I had to just fight.

Fighting just to live.
Just to have a reason to eat food again.
Just to make it one more day to see if God hears me yet...

I don't know what real lasting happiness is. I only know instability and volatility, enemies behind every shadow, a wild roller coaster of thoughts and ideas, fighting a war I'll never win.

The reason I was so happy this summer was because I sorta stopped caring about anything and purposely didn't even think about this stuff. I distracted my mind from my self destructiveness for awhile...

It was fun. I really like being alive.
All this bad stuff is not that bad.

I don't need anyone to validate me or my happiness. That's been the HARDEST lesson of my life because I hate this lesson it seems so unfair.

But I can't change it.
I just gotta deal with it.

Omg I just moved another mountain on Faith.

The court agreed to let me appear on phone and it looks like my case is dissolving into nothingness.

Matthew 17:20, Jesus said,

“Because you have so little faith. Truly I tell you, if you have faith like a grain of mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.”

This is the ULTIMATE

Ups and downs & downs and ups. Thats life, eh?

The future of humanity is a collective decision. But, it all starts with each of us.. As long as we write the Story that way. It is certain that some do not want a Story where each piece has a "say." Quite difficult to maintain monolithic homogeneity when pesky individuals think for themselves.. Particularly when those individuals are truly embraced by others who may see things very, very differently yet maintain Standards of Growth. Standards that were best elucidated in "official" terms with the founding of the US, though I think we can use that as a foundation for greater things. Others believe it must be torn down to achieve absolute uniformity (blech..).

You know, some might see a spirit, or even a god of chaos as much different than a spirit or god of novelty. The former has long been demonized as "evil" and the latter is pretty much overlooked.

What is invention, the human creation of tools, and their clever use.. if not a derivative of chaos & novelty in an otherwise predictable system?

We can grab hold of a thread and pull it from the maelstrom of possibilities into our very hands, and then weave it into the fabric of the universe itself.

Its really quite wonderful! Will humanity learn the true power they wield in this world? It is so easy to get caught up in the tools themselves, using them to pursue obsolete means of interaction.

We invent technology, medicine, and harnessing fire itself by existing and embracing the two Worlds that humans exist in. However, we can do exactly the same with processes, systems, culture, and even the structure of society and perception itself. Humanity hasnt quite understood it, and certainly not as a collective, conscious act.

The first step would be in even knowing that a different Story can be written. Then its about understanding what that really means and how very much it can change our perspective. Allowing ourselves to leap past the bounds of not just our perspective, but our imagination ..even if just for a moment.. is profound for both the individual and the system in which it takes place.

The Story we write provides a framework and filter on the areas of the field of possibilities that are most readily accessible. Through Language, Narratives, and Stories we shape the chaotic grab-bag into a more manageable form.

But we also limit ourselves in this way, for better or worse, and we can easily get lost in the framework itself.

What happens when humanity begins actively and consciously writing this overarching framework? With wisdom & patience, perhaps anything is possible over time.. Even the unification of science and magic, wielded as one to nurture and protect the flow of chaos our very existence creates. Thatd be pretty wild, eh?

a reply to: Serdgiam

Sometimes my ups and downs can happen within minutes. It's not uncommon.

Remember Get Smart the tv show? You ever see that? It was Chaos vs Control, but ironically Control was the good guys.

It's ironic because Liberty is Chaos in this dichotomy. Freedom is unpredictable and random.

I've actually been thinking about this Chaos vs Control thing since yesterday so I find it really funny you were thinking about it too.

Instead of Novelty try the word Liberty.
Liberty vs Control
Novelty vs Stasis

And of course there is no such thing as either Chaos or Control. Neither are real they are extremes on a spectrum where reality is in the middle.

There is no Control when things are in Chaos.
And there is no Chaos because the Universe is Ordered Chaotically.

Ordered Chaos. Chaotic Order.

a reply to: muzzleflash

God smiles at your newfound joy. ^_^

Welcome to the Kingdom!