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Voluntarily celibate for 12 years now.

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posted on Oct, 17 2020 @ 02:03 PM
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I have been celibate for 12 years by choice. I am extremely happy with this decision.

Now, the obvious first snarky response would be "you are just justifying the fact you can't get any." To which I reply, I was happily married for the first 7 years of this period and could have broken my resolution at any time. My wife, an extraordinary person, supported me fully in what was clearly an unusual situation.

Next snarky remark would be something about my wife cheating on me five times a day. Of course I can prove nothing, but I am completely confident this was not the case. Why? Because to put it delicately, it was something she stopped proactively enjoying in general due to a physical issue.

At first when she began to pull away from me I was angry, hurt, and confused. Understand she never denied me, but I could see it was increasingly painful for her.

It pained me to see somebody I loved in pain just for my gratification. So I made a decision: I would remain celibate and faithful for her sake, and I would find a way to make it a net positive for me.

It was very difficult and frustrating at first. I would experience urges. I studied Brahmacharya, an East Indian philosophy that places emphasis on celibate life. I also read old (like from the 1700s) Catholic works and essays on the spiritual benefits of celibacy for monks and for priests. I found some southeast Asian Theravada Buddhist materials extolling the benefits of "continence," and some tantric yoga material on "discipline" and "retention." I do not consider myself a formal member of any of these traditions, but reading deeply about them has been helpful.

Gradually I became inspired. After a few years my lust had become distant, more like a paper streamer in the wind than a brick wall. Now after a dozen years I can say it barely rears its head at all.

It did not impact my love for my wife. However, careful readers will note I sad I spent seven celibate years with her. This is because we broke up...on good terms, not over this issue but due to money problems. We are still in close touch and both celibate.

After breaking up I had no urge to date. When I look at a woman today it is a slightly more pleasant experience than looking at a man, but there is no flame of lust. I cannot begin to explain the marvelous sense of peace and control I have come to feel. And I feel that without the sexual element, I can treat women fairly and also avoid complex and unpleasant emotional entanglements. I can see through people to who they are, to a better degree.

I often feel my choice is incomprehensible to almost everyone. In a world where every kink and fetish is accepted if not celebrated, the last taboo may to embrace pure transcendent abstinence, it seems.

Well, that is my story. I know this road is not for everyone but it is not something I have regrets about in the slightest. I look forward to your cynical comments.



posted on Oct, 17 2020 @ 02:09 PM
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a reply to: Never Despise


We are still in close touch and both celibate.


Um, yeah.




posted on Oct, 17 2020 @ 02:10 PM
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a reply to: Never Despise

You sound like a great person.



posted on Oct, 17 2020 @ 02:11 PM
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a reply to: underwerks

Cynical comment number one, fully expected.



posted on Oct, 17 2020 @ 02:11 PM
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Everyone can find someone to have sex with them, however, often times it is a better choice to abstain than have sex with someone who isn’t worth the effort.



posted on Oct, 17 2020 @ 02:13 PM
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a reply to: MRinder

Don't know if you are being cynical, but if not, thanks for the kind words.

I'm not sure prolonged voluntary celibacy makes one good or bad, but I do believe it fosters a unique kind of inner strength.



posted on Oct, 17 2020 @ 02:16 PM
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a reply to: Metallicus

Agreed.

Sex is never really as casual as we think it is. To make it casual we have to kill something precious inside. To simply stand back takes willpower but does less long term damage than casual loveless promiscuity IMHO.



posted on Oct, 17 2020 @ 02:16 PM
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a reply to: Never Despise
Everyone has their own preference to living life. Some don't need that intimacy and just need legit people in their lives.

Once people get past the indoctrination of always having a bed mate, or hit 30, they'll probably find themselves to be pretty miserable with nothing else going for them. Too bad their in a dead end job 24/7 and can't take the time to find what makes life truly worth living for.

So cheers to you mate, doing what makes you happy living.



posted on Oct, 17 2020 @ 02:18 PM
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a reply to: Never Despise

I admire you, OP. There aren’t very many celibate heterosexual single men. Very impressive.

Porn?

Do you have any plans to have sex in the future, within a relationship? Do you want to be married again, or are you thinking to remain celibate for life?

Fascinating thread. 👍🏻



posted on Oct, 17 2020 @ 02:20 PM
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originally posted by: Never Despise
a reply to: MRinder

Don't know if you are being cynical, but if not, thanks for the kind words.

I'm not sure prolonged voluntary celibacy makes one good or bad, but I do believe it fosters a unique kind of inner strength.


I wasn't being cynical. I admire you.



posted on Oct, 17 2020 @ 02:23 PM
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You’re not missing much 😂 only joking pal .. I took 3 years away from woman through choice after breaking up with my baby’s mum .. I couldn’t be assed with it all after a big custody battle over my little girl .. but a year ago I meet my soul mate and have never been happier .. so never say never pal
a reply to: Never Despise



posted on Oct, 17 2020 @ 02:27 PM
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a reply to: KansasGirl

Thank you for your kind words. No porn for me, no "self love" even (with a very few slip ups in the early years), I have dreams, that's beyond my control. But they don't last long and in recent years are hardly about anything at all.

I realized if I was going to make it work I would have to go all the way, like a kind of secular yogi. I studied and employed ideas and inspiration from the kind of writing I mentioned in the first post. Looking at it as a kind of psychospiritual quest really helped me especially in the early years. Later it became second nature so to speak.

There is a spiritual component but I share the belief common to many seekers that it is somehow wrong to talk about spiritual accomplishments; there is the risk of arrogance and churlishness. So I just say it has made me stronger in a very unusual way.

One catholic priest wrote of his multidecade celibacy as a kind of "armor," something he saw as a strengthening gift rather than an effort or burden. I like this outlook very much.



posted on Oct, 17 2020 @ 02:32 PM
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a reply to: nofear46

I am willing to bet after three years you were strong enough to seek out a true soulmate based on her innate qualities and I am happy it worked out for you.

Never say never, true, but after 12 years I'm pretty certain I will remain the way I am. There is a Japanese term, "chanomi tomodachi," which means "tea-drinking friend." It's used for sexless but affectionate relationships between senior citizens. Maybe I could see myself slipping into something like that.



posted on Oct, 17 2020 @ 02:39 PM
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To each his own... we were put here to procreate and to plant our seed, though, Even at 56 I'm still farming though Im not plowing the field all day anymore.

Personally I get edgy as hell after a few days, having someone with the same sex drive is great.



posted on Oct, 17 2020 @ 02:43 PM
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originally posted by: Never Despise
a reply to: nofear46

I am willing to bet after three years you were strong enough to seek out a true soulmate based on her innate qualities and I am happy it worked out for you.

Never say never, true, but after 12 years I'm pretty certain I will remain the way I am. There is a Japanese term, "chanomi tomodachi," which means "tea-drinking friend." It's used for sexless but affectionate relationships between senior citizens. Maybe I could see myself slipping into something like that.


Yes I decided that me thinking all women were the same ( c**ts ) wasn’t being fair on them or me .. so opened myself up to the possibility off meeting someone instead off putting up barriers ... wasn’t long before I someone introduced me to a wonderful lady and we celebrated a year together yesterday 😊 she has a little read here every now and again so she might read this 😁 anyway good luck with what ever makes you happy pal because that’s the main goal in life .



posted on Oct, 17 2020 @ 02:48 PM
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originally posted by: Never Despise
a reply to: nofear46

I am willing to bet after three years you were strong enough to seek out a true soulmate based on her innate qualities and I am happy it worked out for you.

Never say never, true, but after 12 years I'm pretty certain I will remain the way I am. There is a Japanese term, "chanomi tomodachi," which means "tea-drinking friend." It's used for sexless but affectionate relationships between senior citizens. Maybe I could see myself slipping into something like that.


So you really don’t imagine yourself or desire a relationship in your future? Curious how old you are, or if that’s too personal, what decade of age are you? What was your upbringing like, regarding sex?

Regarding spiritual strength- Paul the apostle thought it was better for people to stay celibate and not be married, if they could stand it, so they could devote their lives wholly to spreading the news about Jesus and building the church. He conceded that it would be too difficult a path for many to follow. Kudos to you, again.
edit on 17-10-2020 by KansasGirl because: (no reason given)



posted on Oct, 17 2020 @ 02:51 PM
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a reply to: putnam6

That's good...it's good you are both on the same page about things too...to each their own; I make no judgements. Especially as yours is the more "normal" way.

Looking back at my life I have had about half a dozen partners besides my wife so I was fairly active as a young man although not exceptionally so. But my father was a huge womanizer and I grew up in a kind of commune where sex was used among adults in an unhealthy way, as a token for power. (If you are bored enough you can read about my twisted childhood in the link in my signature.) While I was never sexually abused as a child, it is possible that I internalized negative associations with sex based on what my father and his friends did with sex and power in this community.

Anyway, I had my adolescent and early marriage experiences so I don't feel I've totally missed out on this dimension of life.



posted on Oct, 17 2020 @ 02:52 PM
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a reply to: Never Despise

Celebrating 20 years and three kids this year, we haven't done the boogie in about eight months, she has health issues
too.

We're happy, and we joke about sexy time a lot, but we can go without.

I love my Missus and I know she loves me too, that's all we need.


18 year old me would have had a very different viewpoint, but I grew up.

All the best to you and yours,




posted on Oct, 17 2020 @ 02:53 PM
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a reply to: Never Despise

This isn't meant as an insinuation. You mentioned celibacy in context of the catholic church, which brings up a corollary that (in my mind) should be addressed.

One of my (mostly unvoiced) assumptions regarding the prevalence of pedophilia scandal in the catholic church is, suppression of basic human drives, such as sexuality, can foster the development of appetites and impulses much worse than those to be avoided in the first place.

Do you have any thoughts about this? Did you, at any time during your process, feel a "shadow aspect" working internally (mentally, spiritually, etc.) against your intention to be celibate?

Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
edit on 10/17/2020 by DictionaryOfExcuses because: (no reason given)



posted on Oct, 17 2020 @ 02:53 PM
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a reply to: KansasGirl

I'm in my late 40s now.
I wrote all about my childhood in the link in my signature, if you are interested. I guess it was a strange time but not totally unpleasant and certainly not traumatic.



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