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Almost News Network: almost mostly-true news of the week

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posted on May, 7 2020 @ 05:52 AM
I though it would be great to review some of the important news you may have missed. It's all from unnamed sources familiar with the news. While some satire has been injected this stuff is mostly almost true.

PM Justin Trudeau announced a new ban on fictional assault weapons. Galactic Empire blasters are on the list, hey, and they're not messing around, eh? We're still not sure if assault lightsabers are banned. It can safely be assumed the red ones would be first because... scary.

We learned that salon owners and tattoo artists are dangerous criminals trying to skirt the law in order to collect payment for services. If you encounter one do not approach. Local law enforcement will respond with the necessary equipment, up to and including large military vehicles, to neutralize them. If you see a small business owner in the wild you are advised to find one of the recently released rapists, child molesters, or murderers (preferably with a windowless van) for protection. If available you could also seek safety in a caravan of some of the many recently released illegal immigrants.

San Francisco has recently started a program to ensure the homeless population is receiving the tools they need to survive the pandemic. Alcohol, tobacco, and marijuana are being deployed to key locations to fill critical shortages. They've not yet started a program to provide illegal drugs and prostitutes, but donations are expected to start flowing from the tech sector soon.

We can confirm that KKK hoods are not N95 compliant, but are an effective and long-lasting social distancing tool. We haven't decided if it's a crime yet because, well, lots of people went on Facebook to voice their disgust and we all know that's more important than dumb documents from like 200 years ago Boomer.

Anand Giridharadas from MSNBC, likely to be hereafter considered the spiritual successor to MLK, has condemned Americans for having an obsession with freedom. He wants people to stop obsessing about freedom and spend more time thinking about slavery, genocide, and segregation. It's writing a brave new chapter in the story of the civil rights movement. It's a new chapter where people just do what they're told, work when they're told, and don't go places they're not supposed to.

Last but not least a Silver Alert has been issued for a black limousine with Delaware plates MR SNFFR. Please call the nearest DNC headquarters or the Secret Service if you spot this vehicle. Driver was last seen wearing a suit top and black socks. Authorities suspect the missing man may be found seeking a hair salon dumpster, a shampoo isle, or an auto worker to yell at. It is feared that the driver may try to "learn to code".

That's almost the news for now.

posted on May, 7 2020 @ 06:15 AM
Well done, Salute.

posted on May, 7 2020 @ 06:18 AM
Meanwhile in Los Angeles....

The City Council have decided your property is not really your property if they decide they need it.
They're taking "You didn't build that " to a whole new level.
They want to name and shame hotels for not giving rooms to the homeless and if they continue to refuse, they want to just commandeer them.

Iz goot, da comrade ?

posted on May, 7 2020 @ 07:00 AM
Breaking American national news:

Many Democrats are upset that the United States government is demanding that anyone that is in fact dead and has received a stimulus check must return them. They say it is not fair that the dead can vote but not get all other benefits that the government has to offer.

edit on 5 7 2020 by beyondknowledge because: (no reason given)

posted on May, 7 2020 @ 07:04 AM
a reply to: DAVID64


(Posted unironically right next to a "Jesus loves you" meme)

posted on May, 7 2020 @ 07:05 AM
"‘Black Mirror’ Creator Says Season 6 Is On Hold Because Society is Currently Depressing Enough"

posted on May, 7 2020 @ 07:26 AM
a reply to: beyondknowledge

Didnt stop Trump from signing his name on the cheques.

Seems legit to me.

I hope Trump didnt sign off on any...illegals cheques.

posted on May, 7 2020 @ 07:30 AM
I wish Trump would get on the news and call these libs out for releasing pedophiles and murderers from prison because of COVID and then locking up a hair salon owner who needs a paycheck to buy food.

posted on May, 7 2020 @ 07:30 AM
From the North Pole:

Santa is worried that Christmas this year may not be up to his usual standards. The elf labor shortage, due to sickness, is affecting the yearly toy production. While gnomes and faeries are doing what they can to help fill in, they have been hit by the virus as hard as the rest of us. An elf union representative is quoted as saying, "Cough, cough, wheezze, I need a doctor..."
edit on 5 7 2020 by beyondknowledge because: (no reason given)

posted on May, 7 2020 @ 07:33 AM
a reply to: jjkenobi

Didnt trump have epstein killed?

A prison...and Trump is president.

I hope he gets on the news too.

What would you do if you were president?

posted on May, 7 2020 @ 08:02 AM

This reporter has made a mistake in another thread about the stormtrooper incident. I stated that I thought the Klingons were responsible.

In an official statement from the Klingon Empire, their representative has denied any Klingon government involvement. He went on to say any Klingons involved are strictly a rogue group and they have no honor. The Klingon Empire is sending several battle cruisers to deal with this.

This reporter is sincerely apologizing for any loss of honor that this mistaken report has caused any and all Klingons.

Ok, I posted it. Could you please get the bird of prey off my lawn? The neighbors are looking at it funny.

edit on 5 7 2020 by beyondknowledge because: (no reason given)


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