posted on May, 7 2020 @ 05:52 AM
I though it would be great to review some of the important news you may have missed. It's all from unnamed sources familiar with the news. While some
satire has been injected this stuff is mostly almost true.
PM Justin Trudeau announced a new ban on fictional assault weapons. Galactic Empire blasters are on the list, hey, and they're not messing around,
eh? We're still not sure if assault lightsabers are banned. It can safely be assumed the red ones would be first because... scary.
We learned that salon owners and tattoo artists are dangerous criminals trying to skirt the law in order to collect payment for services. If you
encounter one do not approach. Local law enforcement will respond with the necessary equipment, up to and including large military vehicles, to
neutralize them. If you see a small business owner in the wild you are advised to find one of the recently released rapists, child molesters, or
murderers (preferably with a windowless van) for protection. If available you could also seek safety in a caravan of some of the many recently
released illegal immigrants.
San Francisco has recently started a program to ensure the homeless population is receiving the tools they need to survive the pandemic. Alcohol,
tobacco, and marijuana are being deployed to key locations to fill critical shortages. They've not yet started a program to provide illegal drugs and
prostitutes, but donations are expected to start flowing from the tech sector soon.
We can confirm that KKK hoods are not N95 compliant, but are an effective and long-lasting social distancing tool. We haven't decided if it's a
crime yet because, well, lots of people went on Facebook to voice their disgust and we all know that's more important than dumb documents from like
200 years ago Boomer.
Anand Giridharadas from MSNBC, likely to be hereafter considered the spiritual successor to MLK, has condemned Americans for having an obsession with
freedom. He wants people to stop obsessing about freedom and spend more time thinking about slavery, genocide, and segregation. It's writing a brave
new chapter in the story of the civil rights movement. It's a new chapter where people just do what they're told, work when they're told, and
don't go places they're not supposed to.
Last but not least a Silver Alert has been issued for a black limousine with Delaware plates MR SNFFR. Please call the nearest DNC headquarters or the
Secret Service if you spot this vehicle. Driver was last seen wearing a suit top and black socks. Authorities suspect the missing man may be found
seeking a hair salon dumpster, a shampoo isle, or an auto worker to yell at. It is feared that the driver may try to "learn to code".
That's almost the news for now.