How I Learned To Stopped Worrying And Love The Virus

Picture the scene in Boris’ Head of State office at 10 Downing Street. A red light above the door indicates that their conversation is private in the soundproof chamber…

Dominic Cummings is sat across from a PM whose head is in his hands in disarray. Boris’ expertise lies in spin and BS, much like his transatlantic counterpart, in fabricated melodramas like Brexit, but most definitely not in the real thing - a pandemic. As much as he craved his Churchill moment, his Falklands, the manifestation of this crises is way out of his comfort zone...

Boris inaudibly grumbles a curse as he laments how his Tory party has decimated the NHS with austerity policies over the past decade. It’s a course he’d always been happy to endorse until now. In this moment he needs the NHS more than he needs the financial backing of elites with healthcare ambitions; more than the Northern voter; more than the aforementioned spin doctor. Perhaps even more than his divorce lawyers. But it simply isn’t there anymore - at least not in the functioning way this crises calls for.

Cummings pipes up, “You know, Boris, this virus might not be such a bad thing after all. We could even make it a good thing!

Boris looks up. Could this be true, is this really possible? Has his chief advisor, his Brexit guru really found a shovel to dig them out?

“What if this virus was allowed to run its course? Imagine us emerging from it with far less pensioners to fund, with far less elderly, diseased and chronically ill taking up beds in the NHS? You’d have a few trillion extra in the coffers to offer tax cuts at the next election. And all of those lefties moaning about NHS staff shortages due to your Brexit would be silenced with all of those beds and staff suddenly available.”

Boris frowns under the blonde mop, uttering a short string of indistinguishable words that at once signal a total understanding, pompous disdain and, to the adept, his total incomprehension. To Cummings constant chagrin Boris doesn’t seem to have grasped the simple, diabolical elegance of his pensions-timebomb solution.

…But wait! Is Boris just feigning ignorance to force him to say it out loud… Cummings remembers his vow to never underestimate the bumbling buffoon; perhaps the sneaky blowfish of a PM is already preparing for a future enquiry in which Boris can blame him should this backfire.

Both wait for the other to make a move... The grand clock gifted to Gordon Brown by a Swiss bank chimes noon in the hall outside and Boris glances up at the red light above the door with an annoyed puff. "Soundproof, my arse!"

Afraid the distraction may be too much for the PM's attention span, the Chief Advisor submits to his role and resumes his counsel…

“We do nothing…! We don’t shutdown…! We ignore everything we learned from China, South Korea, Italy and Spain. At least for as long as is plausibly deniable".

From Boris’ silence Cummings is certain that he’d already thought of this, but wanted someone else to put the words in his mouth. If nothing else Boris is the consummate politician. Cummings continues…

“You need to delay, delay, delay and finally delay some more. We can pretend we’ve got scientific modelling to back us up, which of course we never show anyone. We tell the nation to Keep Calm and Carry On… the trigger phrase for the English to ask no questions and just do what they’re bloody well told by us - it always works. Mention the ‘blitz spirit’ a couple times.

"We keep everyone working, keep the tubes and other transportation as crowded as possible by cutting services. But most importantly we keep schools open; the children are our super spreaders. I’m told they often remain A-symptomatic, so they can give it to each other and take it home to their families, to their state sponging grand parents."

Boris interrupts, “People won’t allow their children to go to school if there’s a risk to them?”

“Bojo, old chap, they raise their scurrying progeny in a country where knife crime and drugs are out of control. every time they send them to school they don’t know if they’ll see them again. They’ve all been been thoroughly desensitised to risk. So long as you tell them it’s ok, they’ll happily bury their heads in the sand. All they want is routine - give them the excuse to Keep Calm and Carry On watching their box sets, buying iphones and living their best lives and they’ll send their children anywhere.”

Boris still isn’t convinced, “Why wouldn't we keep schools open just for key worker children and lockdown the rest, like all the other countries.”

“We will, Boris! But not until we really, really have to, when we’ve exhausted all deniable plausibility. Until then we put the Chief Medical Officer and Chief Science Officer either side of you in a very dower, serious wartime briefing scenario. They tell press that our top scientists say lockdown will make the disease spread faster. I know it makes no sense at all, but trust me, the sheeple will lap it up."

Boris' frown evaporated at the mention of two men placed either side of him to draw fire. He nods approvingly and Cummings leans in...

"Tell them a lockdown would mean key workers staying at home with their kids. That'll get the middle classes onside; no doctors and nurses available to treat them if they get the virus; worse still no drivers to deliver their groceries and Amazon Prime.

"To eek out the spread as long as possible we'll have one of these two Advisors 'mis-speaks' that we want 'Herd Immunity'; it's not a good look, but it's better than the truth, herd thinning. Every day we put off the lockdown is another million infected. We drop fragments and half truths all over the place to keep it just confusing enough to… ... ...Boris?"

Boris mistakes Cummings' cue for a warning and neurotically glances behind, as though someone were sneaking up. Well used to his creation's proclivity for cognitive dissonance Cummings waits patiently for the penny to drop… Boris compulsively checks the light above the door is still red before allowing himself to returning to Cummings forbearance, spluttering, “Oh, right, yes, Delay, delay, delay?”

Cummings grins like a cat with a lame mouse on ice, as he reclines further than Boris thought possible into the ancient leather folds of the chair, usually the preserve of visiting dignitaries of the highest rank…

CONT'D...

...Cummings points a bony, reaper thin finger at the PM, "When you get questioned about it you let the expendable duo either side of you, Science and Medicine present the answers. Then once this virus dust clears and questions are asked about delays causing the high death count we can throw those two under the bus…”

A bead of sweat escapes the blonde mop and runs down Boris’ nose… “And what if I happen to get pulled under the bloody wheels with them?”

“I’ve an idea for that too! You’re good at performing on TV! We put you in Chequers, mess your hair and ruddy you up a little more than usual and say you’ve got the virus!

“An oxygen mask and a couple of nights in ICU should do the trick - keep you out of the spot light when the awkward questions begin. You’ll battle on, heroically briefing the Deputy PM and steering the ship throughout your life and death struggle. When it's all said and done, you can counter the bad press of delaying with the Churchillian image of you leading from your sick bed.

“When you do need to finally lockdown, close schools, restrict jobs to only the key workers and essentials, we play our last card: We don’t test!"

To Cummings great satisfaction a flicker of revelation betrays Boris bumbling imbecile act. The cunning oaf hadn't thought of this part.

The Chief Advisor continues... "South Korea's shown us that testing is the best way to contain the spread, so we say that we are trying our hardest and we show best intentions, but we…”

Boris, now getting into the spirit of things, “Delay, del…”

Cummings doesn’t wait for Boris to finish, too excited by his own devilish plan, “We let the journalists look investigative; let them think they're uncovering our shortcomings with their pathetically misguided questions and - sad face - you, or rather your advisors confess to getting beaten to the equipment by other countries. When that's burnt we leak to your fangirl Kuntsberg that we bought dodgy ones from the Chinese - always blame the Chinese.

"We take the hit - a sleight of hand misdirecting them away from the real work. With the children taken out of the equation, we use the doctors and nurses as the super spreaders. Without the right protective gear and barely any tests available they’ll unwittingly catch it and pass it onto everyone they come into contact with. The genius of it - if i do say so - is that when they finally show symptoms they and anyone they've been in direct contact have to self isolate."

Cummings extends both of his syringe thin forefingers, raising the right up to the heavens, while slashing the left down to the luxuriously deep pile crimson carpet, "The infection rate multiplies, while NHS resources are halved and quartered until nothing remains. Nature will take its course - the old and weak will die by the millions.

“It’s going to be a bloody mess, Boris, but the alternative is this thing battering the economy with god knows how many years of new infection waves followed by stretch after stretch of lockdown. We’d reach the next general election at bottom of the worst recession in history…"

It's the final statement that spasms Boris' hand to his brow in abject terror. Massaging the thought from his unkempt mane he turns to the deceptively gossamer net contains. They're able to prevent bomb shrapnel and sniper fire, but if Cummings' recession takes hold in the country those curtains keep outside... they, nor any other miracle will keep him inside this office. He'd have to take his begging bowl back to the television panel shows and flag waving journalism to keep his new wife, almost half his age, in the bloody expensive style he's accustomed her to.

Cummings watches this 'woe is me' melodrama play out across the PM's bloated features. He learnt early on that when Boris massages his hair it's the tell that he's ready and willing to follow the advice...

“Do exactly as I’ve said, old friend and we’ll be the first country open for business. The multi-nationals will flock here without a second thought of Brexit. And best of all, in 4 years time when the general election arrives, you’ll be able to generously cut taxes because all those old and sick leaches are dead and buried, or burnt - whatever it is we do to plague victims.

"You can unveil a big memorial in the arse end of Hyde park to say sorry about the dead people. Give them one of your sycophantic Churchill quotes; remind them that you almost died too, but we all got through it together. Hey presto the country’s united... No one thought that’d be possible so soon after Brexit!"

Still gazing at the curtains, Boris’ shoulders relax, revealing his neck for the first time in weeks, “I'd be more powerful than ever!”

Cummings starts tapping out a text on his phone, "There's a chief consultant across the river whose been begging for an invite to one our soirees at the Orca Court flat. I'll have him set you up in a private ICU with all the trimmings when the time comes for to do your death's door scene... Any requests - girls, chef, the Telegraph?"

Boris remains silent, the tension creeping back into his shoulders. He hunches down even lower than before with a look of deathly foreboding on his slowly ruddying profile.

Cummings unsprawls himself from the armchair and leans forward, concerned for his prize poodle… “Are you ok, Boris?”

Boris turns to face Cummings, placing his fingertips to the glands on his neck and COUGHS..!

Cummings recoils in horror and Boris coughs again, this time rasping from the depths of his extremely well stocked gut…

Cummings lets the phone drop to his lap, all of his plans, his genius brought to nought.

Boris glances furtively up at Cummings… “Like this?”

Relieved, Cummings reclines back into the three centuries old leather armchair. “That’s perfect, Boris!”

Blame the lockdown! Too much time, too little trust in the popular narrative's plot holes, and a PC. Hope it helps the medicine go down in passing time at the whim of our moronic leaders.

Mods, wasn’t sure where to put this fantasy meeting in the room where bad ideas are too often made real. But please feel free to relocate it if i've crashed the wrong party. Thanks in advance!

Cheers pal, enjoyed that.

a reply to: McGinty

Reminds of yes prime minister .

It seems the point the conspiracy theorists are missing is that the pandemic plan we re following was preconceived and written with future pandemics in mind .

Most prppl have lived life before 2020 nearly completely oblivious that every minute that ticked by
before Corona kicked off , they were / we all were prone to a pandemic .

If they're now surprised at the swift direct response of governments , it's because they had no idea in the first place what governments would do about it.
They probably didn't care either , and had little to no clue what they would or could have done about the situation.

Because they've played it blind in most cases , they've also got no idea of the looming food crisis , which you can also expect when there's a particularly serious pandemic on the loose .

They'll probably be surprised and shocked a bit again then , but you still can't tell them before time , they'll usually disagree using whatever their imagination might pop into their heads first .

originally posted by: DoctorBluechip
Reminds of yes prime minister .

The highest praise - i'm sincerely flattered!

You know it, I know it, lots of others know it, yet the blind faithful call us unpatriotic.

Divide and conquer.

The oldest play in the book, being played out at this very moment.

originally posted by: DoctorBluechip
a reply to: McGinty

Reminds of yes prime minister .

It seems the point the conspiracy theorists are missing is that the pandemic plan we re following was preconceived and written with future pandemics in mind .

Most prppl have lived life before 2020 nearly completely oblivious that every minute that ticked by
before Corona kicked off , they were / we all were prone to a pandemic .

If they're now surprised at the swift direct response of governments , it's because they had no idea in the first place what governments would do about it.
They probably didn't care either , and had little to no clue what they would or could have done about the situation.

Because they've played it blind in most cases , they've also got no idea of the looming food crisis , which you can also expect when there's a particularly serious pandemic on the loose .

They'll probably be surprised and shocked a bit again then , but you still can't tell them before time , they'll usually disagree using whatever their imagination might pop into their heads first .

The interesting thing is that the government played out a pandemic crisis in the U.K back in 2016.

They were warned the NHS would not cope.

They took no notice and continued their ideology

Regards.

a reply to: McGinty

Love the satire, and the dark humor, and the certain yet uncertain truth hiding behind the sentences and peeking out of each paragragh.

Bravo !



Subtle beauty...


Respectfully,
~joe

a reply to: Cobaltic1978

Or did they run a demo pandemic to make sure that they couldn’t cope? To see where they might make some final surgically precise changes to the NHS, Care, Transport and Education to exacerbate infection and mortality.

For me it always comes down to this... are these leaders and their advisors really as dumb as the picture their mistakes paint? These individuals have for the most part been highly educated by the best institutions and then had to prove themselves navigating the shark infested waters of business and politics to get to these positions of power.

So if humble little me, with my half baked state education can see the problems, the mistakes a mile off as, and sometimes before they happen via Logie Baired’s propaganda portal in the corner of my fox hole...then surely these political movers and shakers can see them too, plus more besides.

Are the masses being skilfully bounced like ping pong balls between trust and outrage; from “Leave it to the experts!” to “Who put these morons in charge?” There’s probably little truth in either of these polarised viewpoints. It’s funny that their ‘incompetence’ usually makes life ever harder for the masses, ever easier for the few... and rarely makes the poor richer, or the rich poorer.

In the movie The Usual Suspects, the mystery villain Keyser Soze takes a leaf out of the political playbook when he tells the cop exactly who he is while simultaneously passing the buck, “The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist.”

Boris Johnson is the archetypal Verbal Kint of politics. When the clown prince finally exits stage and strolls off into the sunset will his hunched Churchill impression fall away as his back straightens and chin rises? Might his shuffle become long confident strides? Will his unkempt signature mess of hair arrange itself into a slick, perfect coma with a flick of his suddenly nimble wrist?

Only then might the common voice finally wonder out loud if the leadership really believed, as they originally stated, a lockdown would make mortality higher - that a lockdown would put a greater strain on the NHS?

Was the best reason not to lockdown really that people would get too bored? In that case should people be advised to have a few pints before a long drive because it might otherwise be too tedious and we’ll crash out of sheer boredom? Ok, i’m sure there’s far better glib comparisons to be made than that effort, but maybe it’s the outrageous lunacy of the government’s rationale that’s the point.

When Boris finally pulled his U-turn and locked down, stating that he’d just been waiting for the right time to do it, shouldn’t Journalists have insisted that he show the modelling that justified this counterintuitive policy?

Was it too convenient that BBC anchor-in-chief and Tory cheerleader Laura Kuenssberg was always given the first question? That the country’s prime news portal, under threat from the government of losing its licence fee - it’s only source of cash revenue, happens to have had a flag waving Tory as their number one, virtually only political anchor since the Tories came to power?

She’d always ask that hard question and except the first answer no matter how ludicrous, making it difficult for the other journalists to ask it again if they weren’t satisfied. With the trusted BBC having already accepted the answer it makes follow ups sound as if they’re desperate and peripheral. It’s damned clever! And don’t forget, question a government on a war footing too vigorously and you’ll be accused of risking public confidence and moral - that’s virtually treason.

Was it too timely that by the time the journalists grew some balls, or brains and asked the right questions Boris was in ICU and unavailable to answer, depriving us of those on-camera quotes that could later be used as evidence against him when the dust settles? Being in ICU is the perfect plausible deniability.

So, don’t ask Boris, ask the fall guys if the Tories really thought ventilator production didn’t need to be ramped up after running a demo that failed in 2016. Or how they managed to buy testing kits form China that don’t work? How much worse will it get before we can make a comparison to nazis telling Nuremberg that they were told by scientists that gas chambers made Jewish people healthier.

Is the next phase in Operation: Convince the world the devil doesn’t exist how they end lockdown. What’s the odds that this is done in a way the ‘accidentally’ produces a second wave that hits bang in the middle of winter? And could it all culminate with a vaccine that ‘accidentally’ gives the masses a couple of years to live. Going by the governments mishandling of the pandemic thus far, if the miracle vaccine finally appears it might be prudent to catch the virus instead.

Just like the cop in the final moments of The Usual Suspects, by the time that common voice realises that it’s been duped and runs outside in search of Verbal, Keyser, Johnson, whoever, there’ll be nothing to see but empty streets. Empty streets.

a reply to: Mike Stivic

Thanks for the very kind words, Mike!

a reply to: McGinty

Thanks, I now understand British politics more than I ever wanted to know.

And your writing style is mighty fine!!

a reply to: olaru12

Thanks, olaru12, I’m glad that you enjoyed it and grateful you took the time to say so. I imagine politicians are the same the world over, but of course I only feel qualified to lampoon the ones I have to suffer in Blighty.