Thanks for your words mrwupy... I think I don't really need that, but still it is good to read it. You know, (I'm going to be boring again!...
don't even want anything else than her for now...
Let me go a bit further... Without revealing anything then, and btw no one here I think knows me nor her personally, I'm just very unlucky I
I frequently go to a bar within the base I work in, and it happens that a few weeks ago, several persons went sick or off (whatever reasons) at the
same time. Then that day, I just like usually stop by the bar after work, and ooooooh.... She was there........
I didn't know her obviously, not even her first name, nothing... I think I did good though, because I know nearly everyone in the base because of my
job. I introduced her to people, helped her a lot with the bar, lots of things. We exchanged our mobile phone numbers then. Just on the first day.
Then I promised that if I had something for her (job-wise, I mean, talking about something better than a replacement for a few hours a week) I'd call
her. I did, and not even for a job, and it was nice talking. And we met again, the next day, and a few days later. But then, I don't know what
Some guy, I know him well, was there and... I don't know. Something happened that shouldn't have been happening. They were talking, and talking, and
I was there, I had still smiles and looks and everything, but I was not talking with her... And that guy, a friend of mine, was not talking with me,
but with her.
OK, you're gonna tell me it is probably normal, it is probably the way things were meant to be? No. Surely not. He is going to leave soon. He is
divorcing. He is 15 years older than us (about that). They don't even speak the same language... He is not even nice looking... honestly. I talked
with her a few days later, like a friend you know. Like, "what the hell are you doing with him?". She said "I know". Her mother (she lives with
her mother still) even is not happy with that.
All right, I will try to summarize that a bit. We talked a lot, and I talked even with that guy. He now has no more problems about me and what I think
and feel for her. He knows. She doesn't want to go any further with him, and she has been trying already to break up. I said trying. Apparently
they're not sure, either of them. But all the while, you can trust me that I still get all the looks like... oh... and all the smiles like... oh
also... And we are so... close. Everything should be all right. All the people tell me that. I suppose she must have been hearing some things as well
about that... Everybody says we look so nice, so perfectly made for each other when we're together...
So what? Is love just a lie? Is it just an illusion? Is it impossible anyway? What is in the way? Why? Where is the path? What did I do that I
shouldn't have been doing? Or what didn't I do? I don't know. I'm near desperate now.
You know, I've been there tonite. The bar manager is a friend of mine. I don't pay anything there. Whenever there is a need for someone to grab a
tray and go to the tables, get the empties, wash the ashtrays, anything you know, I don't even need to ask. I can go behind the bar and get the tray
and do the job. They all know me. Not trying to imply anything about me, but this is the kind of situation. That place is like mine. I know the price
of everything, I know the customers, I know where things are in the store room, etc., you know...
So, right, I've been there tonight. After 4pm or something. She was busy. Lots of persons, but all right. I didn't have to do anything. She is doing
way all right now. And obviously we had several moments when we could talk a bit, you know like friends would talk, talking about things, we had some
good laughs today. Then it was more busy, and a few other persons where there, amongst them the commanding officer of a support unit. I know that guy
very well, and we talked a lot. And I started to notice that she was looking like... like ignoring me...
So ok, I kept on talking a bit with the guy but then also a bit more with her, but she didn't talk, like just heard my words and turned away. Some
sounds like a yes or a ok and that's it...
I had to go then for dinner, and I said so, and she was looking like all right with that, I said (she had a bit of a headache today) "I promise I'll
get back and be there with you for the end of the night", which is about midnight. And she looked quite happy to hear that, nearly like relieved to
know that I'll be back.
So then I left, went for dinner with another guy, good friend that she knows now also, and then I got back, around 11pm. And that guy was there, and
they were talking still. I don't understand. They have been talking about breaking up. I have been talking with her about him, and she says it's not
serious. I have been talking with him and he says (basically) "ok go for it", "I got no problem with that" (sic). But still, I don't get nowhere
interesting. I invited her for saturday, but she's working. Sunday, but no she's got family things to do (I do also, but...), Monday then? Don't
What should I do?... What now? Keep on trying? Leave it? I don't know... I don't know anymore... You know, I'm not the kind of persons to let
myself go at anything. I've had too many already and I'm rather like protective to myself. I don't allow me to be approached too easily. But this
time, it is a real thing, a real feeling that I'm sure of, it is a thing I don't want to let go and disappear like smoke in the sky... But all the
while I'm suffering because nothing happens... Just a run of bad luck for the start. OK, I can cope with that. That's all right, because I know the
what's and why's and when's or about that... But now... What is it now? Why hasn't it changed? Why has nothing still be triggered?
I can keep my eyes on her for minutes. I even prefer when she doesn't notice, because if she notices, she... like smiles and turn away, you see. I
love to see her, I can spend my time just watching her...
Why does she still throws me looks like I've barely ever had before from anyone? Why is it that everytime since then, and we don't know each other
for long as a reminder, why is it that everytime she just calls me for anything? Why is it that she really trusts me? (won't explain that one, this
is long enough) Why is it that she smiles so beautifully when I enter the place and kiss her hello? Why is it that even when she's working hard and
busy, I'm sent a look now and then, a look that looks like she didn't want me to see that she was looking at me? When I turn my head and notice it,
she just turns away herself... Why?
I know she knows... And to be honest, not to pretend to be, not to imagine things, not to go to anywhere but reality, to be real honest, I know,
because I have seen it, that it wouldn't be a problem for her anyway. I'm not that stupid, not that blind. I may be a bit biased because I'm in
love, but still... But just why then? What did I do to earn that? Or rather what did I do not to earn her?
Please someone explain me. Please someone tell me that I'm not that wrong. Please someone tell me that I need to hang on to it. Please... I just
don't want to give up, I have no reasons to give up, but now I'm like... tired. I don't really believe in anything anymore... For once, just for
once that I feel something, just for once, would it be useless again? No, please, tell me that I need to go on. Please tell me that right has its
right upon wrong, that there is some reason why I should keep on believing. If you have a reason, state it!
You know, somewhere in me, I know that I should simply call her tomorrow afternoon or sunday sometime... But I honestly don't know if I will have
the... force to do it, once my phone will be in my hands... Does it have to be that difficult? Why when it seems so obvious then?