I Forgive You and I'm Sorry

I don't know you. We've never met outside of ATS. You seem very confused. Get help.

originally posted by: Peeple
a reply to: muzzleflash

I'm not unhappy, I'm not in pain.
He's a sadistic, pedophile alcoholic and I won't forgive and love that's just insane.

Justice doesn't need love and forgiveness, I'm humanist, everybody have their stories what made them what they are, but they're still rotten and dangerous, just to love and forgive won't fix that. Justice means adequate consequences. A hug and "I forgive you" is not always the correct response.

I truly regret I entered this discussion. You're all preaching from a standpoint that never had to face true evil.

I know someone like you describe and he damaged (psychologically) an 8 year old child, who for years wanted to kill himself; all the while Pedo was getting financial help from family members, let out of jail early (his MAMA) knows people. He wasn’t even charged for what happened to the child because the child does not want to go to trial.

Pedo was let out on Parole but looking at 13 years if he screws up.

I can honestly say I cannot be in the same room as this person.

Forgiveness, that’s up to god!

I hear you Peeple. I believe our situations are totally different that Muzzys!
.

ETA: thank you Muzzy for the idea of praying to
God for justice. That I can use!

Peace

originally posted by: Peeple
I don't know you. We've never met outside of ATS. You seem very confused. Get help.

Sly half truths may throw others off but you and I know exactly what happened.

I cut through all the BS and got right to the heart of it.

You want Justice for what someone did to you, yet you didn't realize what you're going through right now was cosmic Justice for what you did to others.

And it was mainly self inflicted.

This is the irony of real life.

Push always comes to shove, it's an observable law. Some call this Karma, some call it God's judgement.

Until you drop all this and look in the mirror and say "OK I screwed up! What can I learn from this to improve myself and grow?" you will never get over it.

Forgiving others and telling them you're sorry for your own mistakes is an absolute must, a requirement for you to Heal and Grow.

You cannot move forward positively without Forgiveness. You will only keep sliding back down the slippery slope into your personal Hell.

There is no way around it. You cannot pretend you're some special case that "Forgiveness isn't my thing" and expect everyone else to forgive you for your transgressions.

Consider yourself blessed that you are receiving Forgiveness though you didn't ask or want it.

You and everyone will eventually transcend and be fully forgiven, but you're going to learn this very harsh lesson first.

No one is perfect - so it's time to start learning better. It's time to face our flaws, admit they exist and address them, and then find a better way and overcome them.

a reply to: KTemplar

We never know the full story, that's why vengeance and Justice belong to God alone.

Allowing other's crimes to infect our minds and turn us into angry resentful people only allows the evil to consume us all. We become the monster we were fighting.

That's why we forgive and ask God to handle this, so we can focus on Healing while God sorts it all out.

Justice will always prevail and God will ensure this. You've got to have Faith in this because we can't see everything.

I have seen this happen so my Faith in Justice gave way to a realization that it's cosmic law and inescapable.

A self destructive person will destruct. It is inevitable. I don't have to do anything to obtain Justice, God delivers it right on time every time.

We may not see that with our eyes because we can't be everywhere or hear inside everyone's minds - but it is happening as it's a law that it only follows it must eventually happen.

a reply to: muzzleflash


You are correct!

My son was violently attacked at a so called friends house years ago; he was 12 or 13.

He was invited over, and 2 older by years boys came out from behind a door and stomped his head with their boots, and hurt him bad.

These same a//holes also stole from him multiple times. My son was afraid to go outside for years. I finally found out what happened and who did it, but my son did not want to press charges.

I only knew names, the major offender. I drove around town for months looking for this guy. I still don’t know what would have happened, but I’m more than sure he was going to need an ambulance, and that I’d be rockin an orange jumpsuit.

I couldn’t think of anything else other than run him over or burn his house down.

One day I came home frustrated I
Still hadn’t found shot head, and I realized I had no joy in my life. I prayed to God that minute to help me let this go.


It worked somehow, and eventually they apologized to my son. He doesn’t need them in his life though.

a reply to: KTemplar

I know it sounds crazy to most because it is real magic - but asking God for help is the best possible solution.

If there is a conscious force ruling the universe that loves us deeply, than clearly it can and probably will help us.

It definitely won't hurt to try and seek help because we certainly need all we can get.

You are blessed for never finding the kid that hurt your child, as nothing good could come from revenge.

Revenge can lead to blood feuds, like how in Romeo and Juliet their families had been killing each other "for Justice" for so long no one even knew or understood why anymore, and it only destroyed both families and prevented true love from ever being fully realized.

It created nothing but a cycle of misery and tragedy harming many innocents over many years.

But what would Forgiveness had done?
There would be no vicious cycles.
Romeo and Juliet would have got married and had kids, or whatever.

Shakespeare was an absolute genius and he sought to teach us basic morals and common sense.

Revenge only ends in a disaster for us all, even innocent bystanders.

But forgiveness will give us an opportunity to start over and fix problems, to heal and make sure the future is better and brighter.

One must decide what types of seeds they plant and what fruit they hope to produce.

Being hell-bent on paybacks is the Hallmark of a true villain. In nearly every story the villain explained their justification and in their minds they sought to make wrongs right but went about it the wrong way (hurting others to get Justice isn't Justice it's villainy).

Forgive me for getting so distracted by the debate between forgiveness's purpose or value.

But all that matters is I vented my own hidden energies anonymously and gave myself closure to my own failure.

Now maybe I can do something good with my life that has nothing to do with all this lame drama...

I wanna be here for my kids and not wander off into darkness again. I made such a horrible mistake but I'm so lucky they're safe. I got a chance still to do better. That's worth more to me than anything. A miracle in my book.

originally posted by: LoveSolMoonDeath
a reply to: muzzleflash

"That's why we forgive and ask God to handle this, so we can focus on Healing while God sorts it all out."

This sir saved what's left of my sanity, breaking the never ending circle of " I hate you because I hate myself." I litteraly stopped spreading my inner rage to others and began rebuilding myself. I'm no better than anyone here and the job is far from finished. But at least, I'm more at peace and a better version of myself.

Great thread and be well everyone!

Jeff

originally posted by: Peeple
a reply to: muzzleflash

Everything you wrote is beautiful and I applaud you for that.
5 years ago... someone I loved for 3 years before it got out of control, 5 years ago. He's not a healer. He can stop time and let everybody and everything around you disappear when you're the focus of his attention.
I wish I would have killed him. He destroyed me, isolated me, dominated me for a long time. Now he's out there doing the same thing to someone else.
He thinks he knows everything, he thinks if someone has a different opinion that person is a reason to get upset. He only tolerates people who worship him.
I can and will never forgive and never forget.
He's out there like a black hole sucking up every bit of love without ever giving anything else than to shine his attention on you for how long he feels you're a worthy feather in his hat of pride.
He is a liar. I wanted him so much to be my saviour, my hero, my champion of truth. He is the opposite.
I'm not that person who could ever harm or hurt a living being, like you. But if I could go back in time I would kill him. Not because I hate him. But to stop him.
He didn't just destroy me, he will do it again and again and again.... love can be a dangerous tool in the hands of the wrong man.
He feeds on the weakness of those around him. They do and accept everything because they want his love. And he knows that.

So what I learned from it is that love is the most destructive and dangerous feeling, it equals control. I will never love again. I don't hate either. The only answer to all of that what happened in this crazy swirl of events is to always control your emotions. They lead you astray, suck you dry and spit you out when you finally burned out.
One can only be independent and free when you look your feelings in the eye and not let them get inside your heart and your mind.

That's why I wrote this.
I had to reread it just now.

Look, everything went wrong at once.
It's OK. We're alive right?

I'm here right now, 100% Sorry for every single thing I did wrong.

I'm sorry for being so damned insecure from this that I always have to twist it into just another thing that's great about me.

I am so flawed.
I couldn't even see I was causing harm.
I'm in a totally different paradigm that was so different than her's, that I couldn't see my behavior was disrupting the harmony of her life.

I wish I could have seen the truth of what I was doing. I just worshiped her like it was the only religion that ever made sense. I let the Spirit guide me and so of course assumed I was on the best possible course.

Look, I get into it and try to have fun being alive. Im NOT always right. I am wrong on multiple things every day.

I am sorry that I'm so damned pretentious and self righteous. I'm just trying to choose right I'm not interested in being better than anyone. It's dumb to validate my value on them anyways.

I totally screwed up. I wish I could do it right.
I just want to be Happy.
There's no purpose to fight someone you Love with all your Heart. It's devastating.

I'm still trying to just forgive myself for being so damned arrogant and self centered.

I never saw it coming the whole time, hahaha, omg I am so dumb sometimes.

a reply to: Peeple

Thank you for teaching me about what I was doing.

I'm not an alcoholic and I don't harm kids nor do I go around messing with other women but your first post sounded a lot like what I must have done to the woman I loved.

I had been wondering what I did wrong...

Now I see more clearly. I was telling her she needed my validation and that I desperately needed hers. Huge mistake!

I also took all her time away, ruined her life by sucking her into my #d up world.

My behavior was so extraordinary and single-minded that her random reactions led to chaos and disaster.

I set the ball in motion, on purpose, to win her heart. So I am responsible to a large degree.

And I'm sorry. I can't bear to see anyone hurting.

Somehow you channeled her Spirit or something to tell me what I needed to know to help me understand how I went wrong in my own situation.

She was in Love with me but I failed her, I'm not perfect.

I have to live with that massive mistake, though it's never easy, it's usually very hard.

I have to forgive me or else I'll wither away into nothing. After seeing how big of a mess I made I know I don't deserve forgiveness.

That's why I ask for Mercy. I am guilty and am Sorry. I will Repent till the end of time for that and everything else.

I woke up in so much pain...

My body aches all over, my head hurts, my mind is a wreck, I feel so horrible and miserable.

This is one of those days I guess... Where I wish I wasn't even a conscious being...

Ugh... I'm congested and my stomach hurts.

How did everything go bad at once? Why am I suddenly complete crap?

It's like everything I accomplished was for nothing... Now I'm back to the bottom of the gutter... I just feel like trash and am completely unhappy with my life.

My back is the worst part... It makes everything ache...

Consumed by stress suddenly... All the tension keeps building in my skull and I just gotta try to release it somehow...

I got up and moved around some, went to the bathroom and tried to stretch my body.

It's a little better. I had to calm myself.

I'd really love a cup of coffee right now. Coffee is so awesome I just love it. Maybe 3 cups lol...

Y'all don't even know how dumb I truly am. I am the epitome of a numbskull.

I barely can do anything anymore. Literally anything. I can't hardly even get in the shower or do basic things like feed myself.

I'm so ashamed that I am so useless and crippled. I just am not overcoming this, it's starting to overcome me.

I lost over 40 pounds since Christmas. I'm so much weaker. My diet is crap when I do finally eat because I have no finances. I don't even know how I'm supposed to obtain and maintain a job at this point. The only money or food I get are gifts, and that's few and far between. I think I've lived on under 40$ since Jan 1st.

I haven't got disability yet, I'm so far behind on keeping up with them. It could be months before I get anything.

I am literally trash. At least I'm not on any meds, they'd just screw me up more.

I'm only posting this here, no one in real life I'm around has a clue how bad it is for me because I don't want them to see me so weak, I keep it mostly to myself.

I have to express it somewhere though. # man I'm so messed up. I couldn't even get in the shower...

I don't know how to recover. I am truly withering away. Being so depressed and constantly fighting internal demons is no good...

I am very thankful that these people are letting me crash on their couch still despite that Im two months behind on paying anything. What a nightmare... Thank God for the Mercy because without it I wouldn't even be alive.

There's gotta be a way out of this...

Here's a pic of my best friend... He's asleep on my lap so I can't get a good pic currently but still want to share:



He's so soft and loves to come cuddle up and give me kisses lol. We play a lot too.

The humans here are super cool but this little guy is the best. He can tell when I'm struggling and always comes to help me. Love him so much!

Hmmm I felt way better after getting up and stretching. Also the coffee hit the spot.

The universe had one of the guys from the third floor come down to hang out awhile. He's amazing and I can't help but be in a great mood and positive around him.

That really helped pull me out pretty quickly. I don't ache much now and am up and about.

Some mornings are rougher than others... My littlest buddy helping today was great lol.

I might get this surgery to replace my disk with a prosthetic one. I dunno.

This story came on my news feed just now about an F-15 pilot that underwent the procedure and is now the first high G pilot with a fake disk.

The story

This is very cool.

I'm stuck here because if I move the kitty will wake up, lol.
Anyhow, back to reading...

a reply to: muzzleflash

I promise not to get TOO personal, but are you suffering from any form of addiction? I only ask because when you mentioned that you can't function well enough to take a shower, I have been there. A combination of severe anxiety, depression and alcoholism did it to me. BUT the first two alone are enough to cause it. I've learned that the mind can and WILL do some crazy things if you are in these desperate states.

Regardless.. I feel your pain man. Trust me, you aren't alone. If this is mostly about a woman, then I understand that too, and it can be extremely hard to overcome, especially if you had a major attachment to her and feel betrayed. That in my opinion is almost slightly better than death. In fact, it leads to thoughts that make you want to go in that direction.

I don't want to get preachy unless you WANT me to, but I'll say this. There are forces out there that want you in this state of mind because you have the potential to do a lot of damage to them at your full potential. I tend to isolate, but that's the WORST thing you can do. Find some type of support group. Anything. Church, try it! What harm can it do? Don't keep this from your friends, they may be a LOT more helpful then you might think.

If they are REAL friends, they will happily drag you there. This stuff is serious man, especially if you are unable to function. PM me anytime if you want to have a personal discussion without everyone knowing. But believe me, I have a TON of experience in this area. Perhaps we can help each other. The door is open, don't keep your doors shut.

Another thing. Don't believe the lie that you are "withering". it's just that, a LIE. You are going through a battle, a very hard one, but it's not the end.

ETA- I just saw that you seem to have some sort of back problem causing physical pain. Obviously a medical condition needs attention, but I know there's more to this story.

Also, I don't know if this is completely off base or not, but I made a thread once, that describes a lot of what you are feeling. Forget all the stuff about alcohol, because I'm not thinking this is your issue, but just the rest. Maybe it's something you can relate with, maybe not, but it doesn't hurt to share it.

The pressure in my head, is what makes it so hard

a reply to: Wookiep

Thanks Wookiep!

I'm not really a drinker, I've had alcohol maybe twice in the last 4 years. I won't even take the opiates I was prescribed unless I think it's the end of the world. I don't even take ibuprofen or the muscle relaxers anymore. Going med free currently.

My addictions are coffee n cigs pretty much. Those alone are more than enough trouble as it is.

My back problem is that I broke the spine and have a completely shattered disc. It's degerative and will get worse. I can't even stand or sit straight anymore, it's pretty bad. Everything is hard now.

The reason I don't talk much about my internal disaster is because I don't expect anyone to understand and it's a really long story, way too long to try to relate.

So I just try to keep it simple and go one step at a time, try to not focus on all the heartbreak so much, and try to make it through one more day alive.

Right now I consider surviving through the night as a huge accomplishment. I'm trying to be realistic here, I don't feel capable of much beyond just surviving. I try to recover a normal life but I'm not gaining much there. Still am unemployed, might get this job with the Census soon. Hopefully I do, I need the pay and can use a reason to go out and stay active. Still awaiting their call.

Thank you so much for keeping an open door, I do appreciate friends very much. We can talk here if that's ok, I don't mind. My life's always been an open book and I hope others are willing to share in that spirit of openness too.

Yes, this was all caused because I fell in love with a crazy woman. My back broken is a direct result of it and she even laughed at me and insulted me for it. It makes no sense because I treated her better than I could treat anyone, despite my stupidity and many mistakes. It still hurts hearing her call me untrue names and laughing at my complete destruction.

Anyone would have been better, I somehow can pick the absolute worst females lol. That in itself was a huge personal flaw I have.

a reply to: muzzleflash

Ok Muzzle. Hang in there. What you're saying about the chick really sucks. It seems (for me anyway) that the pain of losing a woman whom was so sweet and caring and incapable of being so cruel suddenly turning into something you never thought was possible is an enormously painful thing. I'm sure it's worse than the physical pain. But you're on the right track with forgiveness. It' gotta be one of the hardest things a person can do, and do for real, not just with words.