When You Realize You Not Only Dodged a Bullet, but the Whole Gun

Best of luck going forward...Love can do a number on ya.


a reply to: underwerks

You might do well to:

1. Research the better screening tools for finding a healthy compatible mate.

2. Avoid anyone with serious Attachment Disorder. Hard to do given it's so epidemic.

3. Some matchmaking organizations are quality. Many aren't.

4. Infatuation wears thin with the best of people involved. It crashes & burns faster with major psychological problems in one or both people.

5. Avoid making a life commitment to anyone not CLEARLY worth it. It is NEVER worth the price.

6. Avoid anyone who did not have a healthy relationship with a healthy father.

7. Psychologically damaged people will shred you & wholesale blame you for THEIR problems. Reason is not part of the equation.

originally posted by: underwerks
I feel like a giant weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I really love this woman, completely and unconditionally. But on Saturday night the mask slipped off and she showed me exactly who she was. I can’t believe I didn’t see how ugly she was when we were together. I don’t mean physically, but internally. An ugly, petty person on the inside.

The type of person who goes through life manipulating and using people that love them. Then throws them away the second they become the least bit inconvenient. A textbook narcissist, that gets off on it.

I don’t know why I didn’t see it from the start. I guess sometimes when you fall in love you shield yourself from these type of things and only see what you want to see. I know I did. The only thing I regret is wasting this entire past year thinking and caring about her. And the crazy part is, I’m not even that hurt over it. Me being me I would expect myself to be depressed and really down right now. But I feel great. It’s like I really feel the sunshine on my face for the first time in almost a year.

I just want to thank her for showing me who she truly is, a petty ugly person who goes through life never even considering how her actions effect other people. And to think, I almost had a child with this damn woman. I really, genuinely feel like I dodged the biggest bullet on earth.

I truly just feel bad for her. Because all she knows is living a lie. Here’s to a bright future and the type of happiness that she’ll never, ever feel. And I can’t help but feel bad about that. But then again, that’s no ones fault but her own. So here’s to you. Thank you for showing me what I don’t want in a relationship. It was a hard earned lesson, but I can’t begin to describe how valuable it is.

Thank you for being you, finally.

originally posted by: underwerks
I feel like a giant weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I really love this woman, completely and unconditionally. But on Saturday night the mask slipped off and she showed me exactly who she was. I can’t believe I didn’t see how ugly she was when we were together. I don’t mean physically, but internally. An ugly, petty person on the inside.

The type of person who goes through life manipulating and using people that love them. Then throws them away the second they become the least bit inconvenient. A textbook narcissist, that gets off on it.

I don’t know why I didn’t see it from the start. I guess sometimes when you fall in love you shield yourself from these type of things and only see what you want to see. I know I did. The only thing I regret is wasting this entire past year thinking and caring about her. And the crazy part is, I’m not even that hurt over it. Me being me I would expect myself to be depressed and really down right now. But I feel great. It’s like I really feel the sunshine on my face for the first time in almost a year.

I just want to thank her for showing me who she truly is, a petty ugly person who goes through life never even considering how her actions effect other people. And to think, I almost had a child with this damn woman. I really, genuinely feel like I dodged the biggest bullet on earth.

I truly just feel bad for her. Because all she knows is living a lie. Here’s to a bright future and the type of happiness that she’ll never, ever feel. And I can’t help but feel bad about that. But then again, that’s no ones fault but her own. So here’s to you. Thank you for showing me what I don’t want in a relationship. It was a hard earned lesson, but I can’t begin to describe how valuable it is.

Thank you for being you, finally.

100 bucks says she came out as a Trump supporter

a reply to: Oathkeeper73

Well political viewpoints are a big part of a relationship.

originally posted by: JoseGarcia

You might do well to:

1. Research the better screening tools for finding a healthy compatible mate.

2. Avoid anyone with serious Attachment Disorder. Hard to do given it's so epidemic.

3. Some matchmaking organizations are quality. Many aren't.

4. Infatuation wears thin with the best of people involved. It crashes & burns faster with major psychological problems in one or both people.

5. Avoid making a life commitment to anyone not CLEARLY worth it. It is NEVER worth the price.

6. Avoid anyone who did not have a healthy relationship with a healthy father.

7. Psychologically damaged people will shred you & wholesale blame you for THEIR problems. Reason is not part of the equation.

originally posted by: underwerks
I feel like a giant weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I really love this woman, completely and unconditionally. But on Saturday night the mask slipped off and she showed me exactly who she was. I can’t believe I didn’t see how ugly she was when we were together. I don’t mean physically, but internally. An ugly, petty person on the inside.

The type of person who goes through life manipulating and using people that love them. Then throws them away the second they become the least bit inconvenient. A textbook narcissist, that gets off on it.

I don’t know why I didn’t see it from the start. I guess sometimes when you fall in love you shield yourself from these type of things and only see what you want to see. I know I did. The only thing I regret is wasting this entire past year thinking and caring about her. And the crazy part is, I’m not even that hurt over it. Me being me I would expect myself to be depressed and really down right now. But I feel great. It’s like I really feel the sunshine on my face for the first time in almost a year.

I just want to thank her for showing me who she truly is, a petty ugly person who goes through life never even considering how her actions effect other people. And to think, I almost had a child with this damn woman. I really, genuinely feel like I dodged the biggest bullet on earth.

I truly just feel bad for her. Because all she knows is living a lie. Here’s to a bright future and the type of happiness that she’ll never, ever feel. And I can’t help but feel bad about that. But then again, that’s no ones fault but her own. So here’s to you. Thank you for showing me what I don’t want in a relationship. It was a hard earned lesson, but I can’t begin to describe how valuable it is.

Thank you for being you, finally.

Damn....sounds like my wife. #1, #4, #5, #6 AND 7.
Thank God I can find happiness in a pile of #e though. Unless she tells me I can no longer work out "exercise" I suppose I will stick it out. Marriages are meant to be disposable.

originally posted by: Bluntone22
a reply to: underwerks

My brother in law just got out of a toxic relationship.
We could see how she was making him miserable but sometimes the closest to the situation are the last to see the problem.

Fortunately you dodged an 18 year long noose around your neck.

Calling children a noose is damn harsh. I love my kids and being a father

Im sure he knows that, imagine raising your kids with someone that is toxic, and toxic to your kids...i dont think he was saying kids are bad. I think he was saying, he woulda stuck it out no matter what IF they had a kid cuz hes a good person.
a reply to: Oathkeeper73

a reply to: JoseGarcia

7. Psychologically damaged people will shred you & wholesale blame you for THEIR problems. Reason is not part of the equation.

This. This. And more of this.

I think a lot of people get so wrapped up in their own internal problems, their own narrative they’ve built of who they are, that they fail to see the effect their actions have on others.

Projection is her thing. Towards the end she accused me of everything she was actually guilty of. And I don’t even think she realizes it.

originally posted by: neomaximus10
Im sure he knows that, imagine raising your kids with someone that is toxic, and toxic to your kids...i dont think he was saying kids are bad. I think he was saying, he woulda stuck it out no matter what IF they had a kid cuz hes a good person.
a reply to: Oathkeeper73

I would have. I would have done whatever was required to give that child a good life and raise them right. Regardless of what she did.

originally posted by: underwerks
I feel like a giant weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I really love this woman, completely and unconditionally. But on Saturday night the mask slipped off and she showed me exactly who she was. I can’t believe I didn’t see how ugly she was when we were together. I don’t mean physically, but internally. An ugly, petty person on the inside.

The type of person who goes through life manipulating and using people that love them. Then throws them away the second they become the least bit inconvenient. A textbook narcissist, that gets off on it.

I don’t know why I didn’t see it from the start. I guess sometimes when you fall in love you shield yourself from these type of things and only see what you want to see. I know I did. The only thing I regret is wasting this entire past year thinking and caring about her. And the crazy part is, I’m not even that hurt over it. Me being me I would expect myself to be depressed and really down right now. But I feel great. It’s like I really feel the sunshine on my face for the first time in almost a year.

I just want to thank her for showing me who she truly is, a petty ugly person who goes through life never even considering how her actions effect other people. And to think, I almost had a child with this damn woman. I really, genuinely feel like I dodged the biggest bullet on earth.

I truly just feel bad for her. Because all she knows is living a lie. Here’s to a bright future and the type of happiness that she’ll never, ever feel. And I can’t help but feel bad about that. But then again, that’s no ones fault but her own. So here’s to you. Thank you for showing me what I don’t want in a relationship. It was a hard earned lesson, but I can’t begin to describe how valuable it is.

Thank you for being you, finally.

You dodged a nuke dude.

After you finish your Happy Dance...get back out there and just start dating again.
Don't let a toxic relationship sour you to finding someone right.

With THIS experience as contrast behind you...your aim will improve.

Hindsight is 20/20 eh? Good for you, and anyone else getting out of a toxic relationship and being able to identify it as a good thing. Sounds like you have things covered, but her is a little pitch from Jocko that may be able to help someone still dealing with the struggle.

a reply to: underwerks

One other thing about that sage advice...don’t decide that you will control all relationships by not caring at all to the point that no one can get in. Not everyone can handle the loneliness of being alone. Cats are known for being aloof. But actually, cats are fairly social creatures if you observe them. Even the ones that are not lap kitties.

a reply to: underwerks
Dear Underworks,

Been there, but didn’t dodge the bullet in time. I have two children with her… But since this is an extremely valuable lesson, as you wrote yourself, it has made me stronger than ever before, and I am able to deal with the situation just fine.

She does indeed sound like a textbook narcissist, and you’re lucky to at least have this awareness. It’s actually quite uncommon to feel the relief you feel so soon after seeing through the mask, and I wouldn’t be surprised if the hangover is yet to come. But a year is not that long. It takes many people decades to see through the mask and accept reality.

Most people who come out of this eye opening experience are desperate to find answers, because as an empathic person, it’s almost impossible to come to grips with someone so cold. In that case, the first step is to educate yourself on this disorder, if only to avoid these types in the future. It can also teach you a lot about yourself, because narcissists are predators who are masters at recognising the right prey, usually the empathic type who will let toxic behaviour slide too easily.

The fact that you didn’t recognise her for who she is from the start is all too common and only shows that you are a good person. Many narcissists set up their life to be pillars of the community, perfectly playing the role of a saint in public, but acting out behind the scenes. However, sometimes the stress becomes too much, and the mask slips in public (Think Hillary Clinton “What difference, at this point, does it make?!” and Nancy Pelosi ripping up Trump’s SOTU speech.).

There are two main types of malignant narcissists; the overt type and the covert type. The overt type is usually not sophisticated enough to hide their true self. This is your typical bully type. The covert type is MUCH more dangerous, and can have their entire circle of friends, family, coworkers fooled. Only the intimate partner gets to see the mask slip, and you can imagine the frustration of this victim, because everyone around them sees the narcissist as a saint, so it must be you that has a problem. From what you wrote, yours sounds more like she is somewhere in the middle. (My ex was the covert type who works as a child psychologist.)

From what you wrote (“Then throws them away the second they become the least bit inconvenient.”), I take it SHE discarded YOU on Saturday night? If so, you need to be prepared for her having someone else already lined up. Chances of that are close to 100%. Also be prepared for her trying to hook you again with fake apologies and the whole works, for example when it doesn’t work out with the new guy, and she hasn’t lined up anyone else yet. Either way, it is very insightful of you to realise that she will always be the way she is. Don’t EVER doubt that, no matter what she comes up with in her next act. The best advice to give you is to go FULL NO CONTACT. That means not even checking up on her on social media and the like. She doesn’t exist! And that is actually pretty much reality, because narcissists don’t have a true personality. They left that behind forever in early childhood. They are basically an empty shell with a mask. The true personality is so weak, and buried so deep, that they can no longer access it. To do so is pretty much akin to suicide. And if you want justice, the best way to go about that is move on with your life, as the healthy person that you are and she will never be, like you wisely wrote yourself.

Also be prepared for a smear campaign, which can be so subtle that you might not even notice it.

In any case, learning about Narcissistic Personality Disorder will give you a huge wealth of knowledge and understanding about human behavior, including your own. It is truly a fascinating subject, especially during these times when narcissism is becoming epidemic. What we are seeing in the Democratic Party is a tell tale sign of this. The SOTU was an excellent example. Narcissists like to think that, just like them, everyone else also lacks empathy. That is why they can’t stand it when they are confronted with true empathy, as we saw on most of the faces on the democrat side during the heart-breaking real life stories presented by Trump and the good news of positive gains for the less-priviledged. Deep down, they feel utter shame for what they are, and Trump basically provided them with a crystal clear mirror to look into. His presentation was so powerful that they lost all control of holding up their masks. Following Trump during the last 4 years, I am pretty confident in saying that he understands this concept very well. He has been setting these traps for the democrats the whole time, and since narcissistic behaviour is so predictable, he knows exactly which buttons to push for the right result.

After researching NPD in depth for 5 years, I will be starting a thread on this in the near future, because there is MUCH more to this. So maybe you can look out for it.

In the meantime, in case you are interested in doing some research yourself, here are some of the best sources I have found over the years:

- Sam Vaknin (Diagnosed with NPD himself and by far the world’s most knowledgable person on Narcissistic Personality Disorder): He wrote the book “Malignant Self-Love - Narcissism Revisited” and also has a website and youtube channel.

- Ross Rosenberg: books and youtube channel

- The Little Shaman: youtube channel. This is a great reference for quickly understanding specific topics and situations with narcissists. Every thing this awesome lady says is spot on, and she explains it in a very clear and to the point manner.

Take or leave my advice for what it's worth to you. I know all too well how ruthless and crazy-making these "people" can be, and hope you are as capable in dealing with this as you seem to be. The reason I am writing all of this to you, just in case, is that you mentioned that you would normally be depressed in a situation like this, and often enough, the first phase in grieving a loss is denial, so there's that.

Best regards and good luck to you!

Soulwaxer

originally posted by: Oathkeeper73

originally posted by: Bluntone22
a reply to: underwerks

My brother in law just got out of a toxic relationship.
We could see how she was making him miserable but sometimes the closest to the situation are the last to see the problem.

Fortunately you dodged an 18 year long noose around your neck.

Calling children a noose is damn harsh. I love my kids and being a father

I love mine too.
The kids are not the problem as much as some women using them as a tool against men for decades.
I personally know a guy that was injured in combat and his wife used his service against him in court.

originally posted by: Bluntone22

originally posted by: Oathkeeper73

originally posted by: Bluntone22
a reply to: underwerks

My brother in law just got out of a toxic relationship.
We could see how she was making him miserable but sometimes the closest to the situation are the last to see the problem.

Fortunately you dodged an 18 year long noose around your neck.

Calling children a noose is damn harsh. I love my kids and being a father

I love mine too.
The kids are not the problem as much as some women using them as a tool against men for decades.
I personally know a guy that was injured in combat and his wife used his service against him in court.

I didn’t realize we knew each other IRL! That was my story after 14 years of marriage and in the end she moved 7 hours away with my daughter.

originally posted by: peter vlar

originally posted by: Bluntone22

originally posted by: Oathkeeper73

originally posted by: Bluntone22
a reply to: underwerks

My brother in law just got out of a toxic relationship.
We could see how she was making him miserable but sometimes the closest to the situation are the last to see the problem.

Fortunately you dodged an 18 year long noose around your neck.

Calling children a noose is damn harsh. I love my kids and being a father

I love mine too.
The kids are not the problem as much as some women using them as a tool against men for decades.
I personally know a guy that was injured in combat and his wife used his service against him in court.

I didn’t realize we knew each other IRL! That was my story after 14 years of marriage and in the end she moved 7 hours away with my daughter.

I bet she still insists on getting a child support check. You don't get to see the kids and the court let her move away.

That's the noose I refered to in my first post.

originally posted by: QuietSpeech
Hindsight is 20/20 eh? Good for you, and anyone else getting out of a toxic relationship and being able to identify it as a good thing. Sounds like you have things covered, but her is a little pitch from Jocko that may be able to help someone still dealing with the struggle.

Thanks for that. That’s probably the most valuable thing I’ve heard so far.

a reply to: Ahabstar

Never a truer word spoken !

And I'm beginning to learn that thankfully .

a reply to: underwerks
Ah ain't love grand. Wasn't it not even a year ago that you wrote a thread moaning about her?

Well # happens ya know. Love is hard, and quite a pain in the ass, and that's when it actually works.