On living with a chronic illness

Sometimes I get into the darkest most angry moods.

But it's not like before when I used to cry for hours and hours and still not feel any relief. I feel so lucky that I have made it to this point in my life... to be able to bury it. To be able to stuff it all deep down inside of me and pretend like it's not there... except now I know it's there and it'll never go away. It's just been set aside and I can do that, I can just set it aside for now.

But sometimes I just want to be able to complain about my sad life and my body.

It's utterly broken... and I still sometimes want to blame the world and everything that happened to me for breaking my body.

But no matter how much I complain about things or talk about how I should suicide by ice-cream, I want you to know that actions speak louder than words and it's clear that I want to live and more than that, I have to make the conscious decision to live daily, several times daily in fact, probably unlike most of you. Your bodies are on automatic and mine is a little more manual in requiring an extra conscious effort to survive, forcing an extra awareness of other functions of the body.

You're lucky you never have to think about these things.

But I have to choose life whenever I put food in my mouth, whenever I poke my fingers, whenever I administer insulin, whenever I leave my house and drive my car; I have to wonder if my blood sugar will drop when I go to the grocery store or the park or whenever I take a shower.

I have to keep track of when I eat, how much water I've had, how much exercise I anticipate to be having, how much insulin I've had and when was the last time that I took any insulin because the doses can potentially overlap and if you're not careful you can overdose on insulin and honestly, it's too easy to overdose on insulin.

Death would come swiftly and almost soundlessly, and sadly it does happen.

But also there's all these other things that can happen from not enough insulin over time, there's the sudden heart attacks to look forward to, and the long term effects on the toes and fingers... losing limbs and going blind.

Yes, I have Type 1 diabetes and most of you will never know the difference between Type 1 and Type 2 and most of you will tell me there's cures galore and you'll send me articles about Type 2 diabetes and you'll tell me I can live without insulin injections if I just changed my diet or if I just did this or that...

And sometimes I have to break the news to those kind people who really just want to help me but can't and I have to be the one to expose their ignorance and tell them that they've been utterly mistaken... and other times I just smile and nod. Because frankly, I get tired of explaining things, of trying to educate people.

Of people questioning whether or not I should be having a slice of pizza or a kind bar.

Of being treated like an idiot or like I'm not taking care of myself... when here I am all the while consciously choosing life and struggling to do my very best with the resources I have available to me.

So we learn to stop sharing so freely. We learn to have more caution when it comes to letting others in on our private conditions... and then if we do choose to disclose sensitive information to others, we learn to expect people to say all of the most rude ignorant things. At least now if we expect the worst out of them then at least we won't be disappointed, at least we'll be prepared... and sadly most of the time we're right to expect the worst.

We expect you to judge. We expect you to deny the utter helplessness of the situation, because it's too hard for you to accept that any body could be so helpless, held prisoner by the autoantibodies that infiltrate the blood. Or in some other cases, to be held prisoner by

Thank you for sharing this about yourself, Geez.

It does sound very difficult...but it's also good to hear you're managing it so well.
I can't really understand what you must have to go through on a daily basis...but, I think, it likely speaks volumes about your strength as a person.

Remember...next time things get really tough...You have BOOBS!

I watched a documentary on Frida Kahlo the other day in youtube. Her life was one of pain and endurance. She shared her agonies through her paintings. This is something you might consider. Something to try and release the agonies from your self by expressing them externally.

The thing is, if everyone was born with Type 1 diabetes, would you still feel the same. Or are you comparing your own life with others that have it better. Life expectancy at the time of egyptian pyramid builders was 42 years for male and 32 years for female. So with modern health we live far longer than humans once did. So instead of thinking how unlucky we are for being unhealthy. Perhaps we should consider how lucky we are for being unhealthy at a time that science can extend our lives.

Try keep your mind in the Now. Stop letting it indulge itself in past and future potentials.

a reply to: geezlouise

Hang in there little lady!

Hmmm...I feel for you, girl. I do.

My Doc has been trying to convince me I'm Type 2 for years. I'm on the edge. One of my best friend's brother's was Type 1 (early). He didn't manage it well, and it IS hard to manage. Lot's of bad ju-ju there. My Father's partner in our construction business was diabetic. He was a "tough guy", never admitted it. Then, one day, his son fell through the roof of a supermarket we were building up in Wyoming. His son was badly injured (broken legs, internal injuries), He fell 32' feet, onto concrete, straight down.

His dad completely lost it that day, not a normal reaction. He went crazy, and attacked several people. He almost died; his blood sugar was so insanely off the charts he wound up being hospitalized himself. That was my first exposure to Diabetes.

I feel for you, girl.

You're a talented young lady. Take care of your self!

a reply to: IAMTAT

I knew that was coming and I knew it would be you! Lol.

And also I appreciate it, thanks Tat!

Wow... I don't know you, but your words remind me of someone I cared for once.. And your words are simply immaculate.

Dear lady, I wish I could take that pain from you... I honestly do.. there are some people in life who ooze such pure honesty and heartfelt giving that it makes my soul ache, and for some reason, I get that from you.

If wishes were wants and wants were a given. hey..

All I will be able to say is, Put that ice cream down young woman, and step away from the freezer!!

a reply to: geezlouise

It's okay to get angry or even wallow sometimes. Probably quite healthy to get the frustrations out -- and then get back to the business of living. It is tough. My aunt and a few cousins have Type I Diabetes, and unlike Type II, about the best anyone could hope for is to manage it and keep the body stable, which requires frequent and constant monitoring. Definitely not something one can take lightly or neglect. I'm sure it's quite draining under the best of circumstances. My heart goes out to you.

There has been some good news this year that I hope you've heard about:

Study by diabetes expert describes promising type 1 treatments

Diabetes Breakthrough Increases Insulin Producing Cells

Prayers up that something amazing comes to the market soon and you get all the benefits you need. In the meantime, be kind to yourself and take good care of yourself.

And if you need a shoulder to cry on or someone to rant and rage to, send me a PM. Or just write it and don't send it... you might still feel better

originally posted by: IAMTAT
Thank you for sharing this about yourself, Geez.

It does sound very difficult...but it's also good to hear you're managing it so well.
I can't really understand what you must have to go through on a daily basis...but, I think, it likely speaks volumes about your strength as a person.

Remember...next time things get really tough...You have BOOBS!

I have boobs too.. well, one boob. gynecomastia, so I have a subtle gorgeous left boob, but for a bloke, this makes me very very sad...

I can't even enjoy my left tit any more.. stupid walnut sized jagged lump...

*cries into a jar of wine, throws tank tops in the fire*

But I have nothing to cry about..

a reply to: glend

I love Frida! I do find myself relating to her in some ways that I quite frankly am not the most appreciative about, lol. I feel a love-hate thing going on there. Mostly I hate the fact that I can even remotely relate at all... thanks for your kind words, they are very wise.

a reply to: DBCowboy

I'm hanging in there and I'm not letting go!

a reply to: Flyingclaydisk

Omg I love the stories, thank you so much for sharing them!

I have heard stories about Type 1 Diabetics going nutso tearing sinks out of walls... and also I've seen myself what happens when the blood sugar drops too low too fast as well, it makes people look like they are on acid... which happens right before they have seizures and die.

a reply to: gallop

LOL! Once in awhile I have a spoonful or two of ice-cream, I can do that! Barely though!

And I also don't know you but your kindness has made my night, I sense your sincerity so thank you truly from the bottom of my heart!

a reply to: Boadicea

I agree with literally every word and I so appreciate your wisdom on these matters (even the writing and not sending but I may just send!). I'm looking into those articles now.

I have no words right now, I am touched.

a reply to: geezlouise

Hear you that this is soooooo draining and exhausting.
Day-in and day-out.
How duz you dooz it?
For so-so-so many years?

Okay: just teasing, maybe not so-so many years.

Do you like stolen jokes?

Know what happens when you play a country song backwards?






You get your wife back, your dog back, your truck back.........

a reply to: geezlouise

So sorry, type 1 is such a horrible thing. Not sure what to say.

a reply to: geezlouise

My 2 year old also has Type 1. Here's to that someday of a cure they promise. 💙💙💙💙

a reply to: Boadicea

After reading those articles all I have to say is dang, that is some news. I wondered for a moment what it might be like to be able to eat bread without worrying... it felt strange to wonder!

a reply to: Nothin

Whenever we tell a joke, does that mean we stole it? I love jokes either way. Yours kinda went over my head, not catching the references! Except I do recall a country song about the truck, lol.

a reply to: Fools

What you wrote is enough and it means a lot to me so thank you for that.

a reply to: Atsbhct

Omg I have no words for you, now I'm the one tongue tied. Hoping for a cure but not hoping too hard, getting through the day, sometimes an hour at a time. Feel free to PM me any time about it. 💙💙💙💙💙

I feel for you so much. I was just told that there is no cure for my condition (not diabetes), and it is meds till I die. Every day hurts, and today was a bad one. Find your strength, retain your dignity by respecting yourself, and know that others look to the example that those of us that go through this set. I can't give up because I have to show strength to my children, but some days I just want it all to be over. Please stay strong. The alternative is not worth the damages it causes.

a reply to: MisterMcKill

I am so glad you wrote to me, but also sad that you are going through it too.

I was hoping that people could relate even if they didn't have the evil diabetes, because we all have our own things that we are personally struggling with and I'm well aware of that and I think it's ok to be sad and angry about it sometimes and I totally understand if people do want to give up and then actually do it. Or get selfish. Dark as that may sound.

But I also secretly realize that there's more to this life than everything we've seen and known and that there's a bigness and beauty about life that makes my problems feel small in comparison in the best of ways and it is enough to keep the private wonder going. And I know it is hard to see that brighter side when you're in the darkness, but you can't stay in the dark forever. At least I never could. It always passes... it just takes some time, some patience, some hanging on, some remembering of the good times and reminding one's self that life can be different than whatever it is right now in this moment.

Am I being too extra?

a reply to: geezlouise

Reading your post was helpful for me today.

I have those days when I am so damn sick and tied of being sick and tired, so I know how you feel.

originally posted by: geezlouise
...a reply to: Nothin

Whenever we tell a joke, does that mean we stole it? I love jokes either way. Yours kinda went over my head, not catching the references! Except I do recall a country song about the truck, lol.
...

Oh! It was just a reference to a stereotype, that so many country/western songs are 'hurtin' songs, about a guy losing his woman and such, with the unstated parallel with your struggles.

So by playing the song backwards: the singer now gets his woman back: leaving an opening to imagine some positivity, somehow, into your situation.

Sort of a silly concept about turning one's frown upside-down kinda thing.

Anywho: nice to see that you are feeling the positive vibes from some of our wonderful members whom reached-out to you.

(Pssst: this one is stolen as well

An old woman is riding in an elevator in a very lavish New York City building when a young, beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume.

She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, "Romance" by Ralph Lauren, $150 an ounce!"

Then another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator, and also very arrogantly turns to the old woman saying, "Chanel No. 5, $200 an ounce!"

About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, then bends over and farts and says, "Broccoli - 49 cents a pound."

I have the opposite, I make too much insulin and it wipes out my sugar and I crash. I have hypoglycemia. It really sucks. I can see how it feels for you to worry about crashes. I used to just get the sugar shakes, now I get the headspins.

Living with problems sucks but you do get used to it. It takes years to get so you learn to control things properly, but even then things just happen.


Keep strong and keep on living, always keep a positive attitude, our lives are too short to be moaning around and feeling sorry for our selves, our problems are just inconveniences, ones we will learn to live with and figure out ways to keep on going.

My mother had a stroke at about sixty years old, she was paralyzed on one side, but her attitude was good and she was cheery about things after she adapted in about six months after the incident. I learned from her that I could be much worse, I have nothing to be depressed about compared to her and she did not let her condition ruin the rest of her life because of negativity.