6 year anniversary and feeling alone

Today marks 6 years of marriage for my husband and I. I’m currently spending it alone by a fire in my backyard. It’s obvious this flame burned out shortly after the spark.

We have two beautiful healthy sons that I thank god for each and every day. We have definitely had our trials, most of the struggle has been my fault. I’m taking complete blame for all of the bitterness and hate.

I’ve struggled with addiction throughout our marriage. To the point that my prescriptions are kept in a safe.

However, that’s not the point of this post. My question to you all is, how far is too far? I know that I deserve a lot of the words said because I have caused a lot of pain.

Long story short...Yesterday, my brother in-laws girlfriends’ mother took her life. My husband says that if she was anything like my mother (whom I have a relationship with) then she is better off. I absolutely don’t agree with that.

He apologized for the remark after it upset me, so we moved on.

I brought up my ‘snowbird’ grandparents discontinuing leaving in the future during the winter because my grandma gets too homesick. My husbands response was that she is afraid to die and that’s the reason.

I got upset and said I was done conversing because I was hurt by his negativity. He says he just speaks the truth and was upset with my reactions when I apparently don’t get upset enough for the hurt and pain I have caused in our relationship.

I understand the damage that I have done to our marriage and that the only reason we are even married is because of our kids. He says he is just waiting for the right time for him to leave me, basically when it is most convenient for him. I guess I feel like I owe that to him, to say the least.

But Am I wrong for being so hurt by his remarks? Should I just take it? I don’t know what to do and I guess ATS is really my only outlet.

a reply to: LaceyGaGa

Sounds like you are both hurting each other. As always, see a therapist. By yourself for you. Staying for the children never, ever is in their best interests. Then see someone together to work out the details of separating. Don't spend the night alone on the computer. Call a friend or relative for immediate support. And always remember, tomorrow is a new day, a new beginning. Keep a journal to store your feelings - it helps. Good luck on your recovery. When everything and everyone deserts you, you still have those beautiful children.

You’re obviously brave enough to admit your mistakes and shortcomings. Sounds like he can’t forgive or understand narcotic dependency, and is holding it over your head.

Many great souls suffer with your type of addiction and it doesn’t give him a free pass to be insensitive to your feelings. Try talking to him about it, then be grateful for the day he says he will leave. There is someone better and more understanding out there for you.

Addiction is brutal on a spouse.

So, it’s no party for either one of you.

a reply to: LaceyGaGa

Well, that to me is a bit of a sad story. Bit of a plight you have there. Just a couple of questions, so I can continue the conversation.

Which Country are you in?

How old are you?

How old is your partner?

What is your addiction that requires your scripts are put in a safe?

I know that the q's may be personal but for me to answer, I need a bit more background.

Chin up. There are people here that can help you.

Kind regards,

bally

a reply to: Justso

Thank you for your advice. I understand that staying for the kids is never good. He is about to start medical school and says he will get custody of them and they will never want anything to do with me. That’s scares me more than anything in the world. The thought of losing my world. I’m terrified. I can’t imagine never getting to see them. They are the reason I wake up each day.

Sounds like you are in a situation where you need to take care of you and your boys and not worry about your husband till you find yourself happy with you. Then work on your relationship with your husband it will be easier than the multitasking you are trying to do now. First thing quit feeling sorry for yourself or the situation, you alone can make it better. If he goes or if he stays is irrelevant fix yourself baby steps....you can do it..

a reply to: Sheye

Thank you for your kind words.

a reply to: LaceyGaGa

I’m so sorry to hear this!!

Most excellent advice posted up from this one, I can only add one thing, maybe 2, at this point having faced multiple devastations in my life, a few one after the other, is to pray, pour your broken heart out to your Heavenly Father, He’s a great Dad, listener and most trusted advisor through it all.

You can’t change him if he doesn’t want to be and is blind to your needs emotionally by his remarks.

Going forward, seek a therapist for your depression immediately if at all possible.

(Hugs)

a reply to: putnam6
Thank you for the advice. You’re right, I need to be happy with myself before I can even move forward with fixing my marriage.

You hit the nail on the head with the term ‘multitasking’.

originally posted by: LaceyGaGa
a reply to: Justso

Thank you for your advice. I understand that staying for the kids is never good. He is about to start medical school and says he will get custody of them and they will never want anything to do with me. That’s scares me more than anything in the world. The thought of losing my world. I’m terrified. I can’t imagine never getting to see them. They are the reason I wake up each day.

This tells me that he is highly manipulative, and the best thing you can do is take care of yourself the best that you can and keep loving your children with all your heart. No matter what goes down in the future they will remember their loving mom.

Imago

a reply to: LaceyGaGa

You hurt him, he's hurting you...

Leave.

Get out of the relationship, deal with your issues, get your kids back.

Some relationships don't work and he's keeping something over your head.

So he's the half of the problem that you can't fix. Get yourself fixed without him.. it will be half as hard.

Do you want a spouse that just wants to use your shortcomings to get what he wants?

In a proper relationship one spouse shores up the other's weaknesses so that together they are stronger.

That's not what you have. You are both preying on each other's weakness.

Dump him, find some time to fix yourself. Come out of it better then get your kids back.

If you can't fix yourself then you have nobody to blame but yourself.

If you can, then he would be the weaker of the two of you so you'll be just fine.

Life isn't pretty and your children are in the balance.

How much do they mean to you?

Ask yourself that every night... I did once in a far worse place than you.

I ended up OK, so I think it's not as hard as you think.

Just jump off that cliff and fix it.

a reply to: visitedbythem

others offered good advice...get to therapy when you can...in the meantine www.youtube.com...

weightless by marconi union...this was tested in the lab with volunteers with those little attachments on their head that measured their reactions and stress was reduced by almost 70%

just have it on and if your spouse and children happen to hear it they will be less stressed ...hope it helps

a reply to: LaceyGaGa

You do have to deal with your issues. His abuse to you will not play well in court. You will need to show you are attending counseling and are an involved and loving mother. No court wants to separate you from your children. Heck, without him you may start to feel better, especially about yourself. You must get strong - don't let him scare you. He sounds abusive and controlling. Be strong.

a reply to: LaceyGaGa
Blessed is the man whom God correct.
You have to find something to strap yourself onto. Life hurts sometimes. Serve others so that it isn’t so bad.

Therapist, marriage counselling, do something to show you are interested in sorting it out, just showing you care is important
But if he doesn’t care it becomes very difficult.
Get help

originally posted by: putnam6
Sounds like you are in a situation where you need to take care of you and your boys and not worry about your husband till you find yourself happy with you. Then work on your relationship with your husband it will be easier than the multitasking you are trying to do now. First thing quit feeling sorry for yourself or the situation, you alone can make it better. If he goes or if he stays is irrelevant fix yourself baby steps....you can do it..

If she has any kind of determination to not be a divorce statistic, you got that advice way wrong -- her mental health first, the marriage second, kids last. You NEVER put anything except your own mental health above nurturing a marriage. That's the foundation of a family and if it's a shaky, crap foundation, doting on the kids til she's blue in the face won't make anything any better for them at all. It will however, be liable to spike resentment and hellish divorce odds.

It's no damn shocker that every single person I know who's divorced tried that backward route instead of nurturing the marital relationship. You don't fix a marriage or even the divorce relationship by ignoring that foundation relationship and focusing on the offspring, people. Even if they DO end up divorced, focusing on each other stands to make it a much more smooth and amicable one than anything.

The good news is if they can fnd common ground and work together on making fixes, it's entirely possible to relight that flame. I've seen people do it after messing up with the backward "kids first" route. You gotta be willing to shake the entrenched bad advice and take the sensible advice if you aren't truly ready to walk away.

Just my opinion as a kid of divorced parents each with their own multiple divorces, as my husband's second wife, and as a friend who got to watch too many people screw up before a handful had the light bulb go off. I've never put our kids before us in our 12+ year marriage/14+ year relationship. That helps no one.

originally posted by: LaceyGaGa
a reply to: putnam6
Thank you for the advice. You’re right, I need to be happy with myself before I can even move forward with fixing my marriage.

You hit the nail on the head with the term ‘multitasking’.

You can do it, just one day at a time, don't fall into old habits, find a new hobby anything just keep busy and be positive definitely with your husband and kids. Take care of you and do the best for your boys, believe it or not most boys love their moms fiercely regardless, just work on your relationship with them s much as possible. My girls now adults still tell me stuff I did that meant a lot to them that I had no idea at the time.

STOP.
TALK TO EACH OTHER.

Addiction is a killer....trust me on this. Been there, done that and got the heartbreak and divorce to show for it.
If you love him, Fight For It.
I know that saying " Get out of your addiction " is easy to say, but I promise you, you, you will be happier, healthier and you will love Yourself again.

If there is anything I can do, PM me.
If it would help to get through that brick wall you're going to hit, I'll even give you my phone number. I'll tell you my story, you can tell me yours and we can have a digital cup of coffee, pick you up and GET ON WITH IT.