Reflections on Family and Failure

Having some weird thoughts about my family, my parents, and how things are.

Just to give advanced warning, I am feeling like such a failure in life right now.

In the last couple days I've been getting some messages that I'm not sure what to make of. While working, I had a couple strangers flex at me, "Yeah bro I make schloads of money, have women hanging off both arms, and I drive a Thundercougarfalconbird to Whole Foods whenever I want."

So a couple of people have been trying to tell me how it's done, what I need to do to join the gravy train etc. Basically they're telling me to stop doing what I'm doing and go be a success like them.

I have a single, really near and dear friend in my life that I've known for over 15 years. We were talking about taxes and I told him I've made more last year than ever before and I was feeling a bit proud about it. He just said, "Really, that's all you made?"

This coming from a guy whose girlfriend literally gives him her paycheck because 'she's not responsible with money.' Yeah they just bought a house.

Goddamn I work pretty fuggin' hard! It's not unusual for me to clock over 70 hours in a week.

Now I am a pretty humble and simple person. I live a pretty rustic life in my little apartment. I don't expect much and I don't ask for much. I always have funds to get the basics, but no I'm not exactly taking exotic vacations and buying fine art and shizz.

I am also beginning to think I'll never really be able to afford even a little piece of property or a home. Perhaps I am stuck in the rent trap. It can be difficult to save for very long.

And then I start wondering just what I'm doing wrong, or what I can do to get ahead. I have some ideas of what I'd like to do. But at the same time I can't afford to stop working full time.

I am not looking to place blame, but I can't help but think of my upbringing and family.

Often my parents ask me how I'm doing these days; though I know it's just polite small talk. I don't think they would ever really help me out in any way financially. They haven't. I have said in another thread that I was barely raised by my parents at all. They were divorced when I was about 3 and I went to live with grandparents until I was about 14-15.

I try to drop hints like "Yah it's rough. I work myself raw just to stay afloat." Or just even talk about work a little, like what kind of adventures I get into.

Both my parents are pretty ambivalent, if not bored to hear about my life ha.

So to sum up, dad never paid child support, mom never took him to court for it. I've been working since I was 16. I put myself through college and am actually the first and only person in my family to have some kind of higher education degree (aside from one grandfather, who has passed over a decade now, man I really miss him.)

On the other hand, my parents both make decent money, have lots of savings, and boast about their retirement plans. I am not trying to say I don't appreciate what they've earned, but damn do I feel like I was kind of just cast aside when I probably could have gotten more support when I was younger-- and I am ashamed to say--it would really help now too. Like, they had a child and were just kind of hoping they'd never have to be responsible for it.

And my grandmother just bugs me about working too much and that I should go be her chauffeur and errand boy since I am also the only person in my family still unmarried and no kids. Yeah, even grandma throws insults at me haha.

So not a single damn person respects my efforts, my job, my life, or is even a little proud that I'm the only one taking care of myself. Jeebus I don't have a double income like my brother and cousins, or my cradle-robbing best friend. Oh and my brother leeches off women who earn way more than him while he works a menial 40 hours and complains how it's too much work.

It just seems everybody is getting help from somewhere, except me. I mean, do I just come from a broken home? Was I dealt a rotten hand? Or am I just a failure for something I did or didn't do? I am at a loss.

I don't know how to take that next step. I know if I stop working I will just end up living back with one of my parents and I'm not sure that's really the environment I want to be in. Considering I am expected to work 50-70 hours + there isn't any going back to school or investing time into what I'd like to. I have rent, I have bills.

I am trying, I really am. But I am having a hard time seeing a way out.

ATS forum, thanks for giving me a place to air out.

What you have, as long as it is enough to keep you safe and healthy, is not nearly as important as what you believe about yourself.

What you have written so far proves that you have depended on someone resourceful, responsible, and and forthright, demonstrating good common sense.

That someone is, of course, YOU!

Good job, keep it up. Keep the faith! (Boy does that phrase date me!)

Stay true to yourself, regardless of what everyone else says or does; they do not walk your path, nor live your life.

You’re doing just fine.

a reply to: NarcolepticBuddha

You are NOT a failure at all Narc, you are just learning from day to day and doing a bloody good job about it too...

Be yourself mate and bugger what everyone else thinks or tries to tell you what to do with your life.

Kindest respects.

Lags

a reply to: NarcolepticBuddha
You are a fave poster for a longtime now. You've shared some in-depth perspectives and wisdom on these boards that is constant, respectable, and civilized.

We gotta be careful when comparing what we think is real in others - its usually not. (typing this is also a reminder for myself to do the same...). Your one mate sounds like he's with a girl he can't trust. Who just bought a house. I can imagine his home life and its not pretty, behind closed doors.

Gramma.. of course the single one can look to her, bless her heart. She means well I'm sure; maybe thats her offering of help for you and she thinks her offer is sincerely to help you & its the only way she knows how?

I'm not sticking up for your family, and there is something about that generation... yes they worked hard. But they just don't seem to know the proper things to do or say in these times. These times are different from their prime time.

Guess I'm just trying to give you some support, NB. Its hard, but more often than not or so it seems, there is more love and respect in families of friends than in the blood family. The tv sitcoms seemed to be the only place family is idealized.

You're self-atonomized, yes? You're a good person - that shows in your posts. Clearly.
We were sold a lie. You've worked around it. You have no debts or a failing mortgage, or a woman who can't be trusted with money and a new house to help drain your account.

In a ton of peoples' eyes, you're the winner.

Just had to say.

Don't compare your life to others as a measure of your success. You are succeeding quite well on your own. Never allow another to diminish your worth.

Narc, I see no failure in you.

I also work a lot, though, and get your feelings...I work on average 60 a week at my real job. This pays the Bill's. I then work another 20 or so at my "fun" job...theatre.

Even this money goes to living...my cheating wife doesn't work, but takes what is left to go drinking with her "friends". I am frustrated like you.

But in the end, I feel satisfied because I know that I have worked hard, accomplished things and other than the cheating wife , I do what I love...with both of my jobs.

I have come to the conclusion that the key thing is this....I enjoy what I do.

Life is short, have fun with it.

My love to you, fu(k everyone else....most people are living a lie and are miserable when alone with themselves.

originally posted by: NarcolepticBuddha
Just to give advanced warning, I am feeling like such a failure in life right now.

A failure you are not.....

You are independant, you have a jub, a roof over your head, you are solvent, and

you are not going hungry, you are content? *congrats*

In the last couple days I've been getting some messages that I'm not sure what to make of. While working, I had a couple strangers flex at me, "Yeah bro I make schloads of money, have women hanging off both arms, and I drive a Thundercougarfalconbird to Whole Foods whenever I want."

If they have all they want ..... why the need to show off? ^^^that^^^ is the

equivillent of FB *Ooh look at me* ..... feel sad for them! They are like that

to bolster themselves

So a couple of people have been trying to tell me how it's done, what I need to do to join the gravy train etc. Basically they're telling me to stop doing what I'm doing and go be a success like them.
I have a single, really near and dear friend in my life that I've known for over 15 years. We were talking about taxes and I told him I've made more last year than ever before and I was feeling a bit proud about it. He just said, "Really, that's all you made?"

Comparing yourself to others? You are not them seems you are content till

the devil whispers in your ear.

This coming from a guy whose girlfriend literally gives him her paycheck because 'she's not responsible with money.' Yeah they just bought a house.

She sounds 'needy' he sounds controlling ..... does that bode well for a partnership?

Goddamn I work pretty fuggin' hard! It's not unusual for me to clock over 70 hours in a week.

I think you are working too hard? Would you be better doing two jobs, one

with a more social aspect, killing two birds with one stone social/earning?

Now I am a pretty humble and simple person. I live a pretty rustic life in my little apartment. I don't expect much and I don't ask for much. I always have funds to get the basics, but no I'm not exactly taking exotic vacations and buying fine art and shizz.

Think of it like this 'minimilisim' the more shizz you have the more livin g time

you waste on cleaning and dusting.

I am also beginning to think I'll never really be able to afford even a little piece of property or a home. Perhaps I am stuck in the rent trap. It can be difficult to save for very long.

You dont need to start at the top, a studio flat in need of TLC do it up while

living there, then one bed room and so on? Thats how I started out.

I am not looking to place blame, but I can't help but think of my upbringing and family.

No point in fretting on what you cant change thats a complete waste of time.

You are who you are and where you are the rest of your life is down to you alone

Its make or break and *you are in charge*

Often my parents ask me how I'm doing these days; though I know it's just polite small talk. I don't think they would ever really help me out in any way financially. They haven't. I have said in another thread that I was barely raised by my parents at all. They were divorced when I was about 3 and I went to live with grandparents until I was about 14-15.
I try to drop hints like "Yah it's rough. I work myself raw just to stay afloat." Or just even talk about work a little, like what kind of adventures I get into.
Both my parents are pretty ambivalent, if not bored to hear about my life ha.

Perhaps you could be more honest with them? Tell them how hard you are

finding it. Have you ever considered how proud they may be of your independence

and how you are managing your life. They are from another generation who dont

wear their emotions on their sleeves. Maybe they would help you out with a loan

done officially for a deposit to start you off your becoming a home owner?

So to sum up, dad never paid child support, mom never took him to court for it. I've been working since I was 16. I put myself through college and am actually the first and only person in my family to have some kind of higher education degree (aside from one grandfather, who has passed over a decade now, man I really miss him.)

That was your parents life/choice to live ?

Be proud of your own achievements that is a success is it not?

On the other hand, my parents both make decent money, have lots of savings, and boast about their retirement plans. I am not trying to say I don't appreciate what they've earned, but damn do I feel like I was kind of just cast aside when I probably could have gotten more support when I was younger-- and I am ashamed to say--it would really help now too. Like, they had a child and were just kind of hoping they'd never have to be responsible for it.

See my earlier reply about being honest with them, they are not mind readers

and maybe they will lend (not give) you some money to help if you need it.

You cant alter the past..... but you can influence the future.

And my grandmother just bugs me about working too much and that I should go be her chauffeur and errand boy since I am also the only person in my family still unmarried and no kids. Yeah, even grandma throws insults at me haha.

I am a grandma and expect no favours. If anything leaves you short or costs

what you cant afford tell her, but remember she helped bring you up when you

were young and need it, she must have given up somethings to do that!!

So not a single damn person respects my efforts, my job, my life, or is even a little proud that I'm the only one taking care of myself. Jeebus I don't have a double income like my brother and cousins, or my cradle-robbing best friend. Oh and my brother leeches off women who earn way more than him while he works a menial 40 hours and complains how it's too much work.

You dont need others to justify you if you are happy with your own achievements.

It just seems everybody is getting help from somewhere, except me. I mean, do I just come from a broken home? Was I dealt a rotten hand? Or am I just a failure for something I did or didn't do? I am at a loss.

We can only ever play the hand we have been dealt ..... just make sure you

play the best game ever.

I don't know how to take that next step. I know if I stop working I will just end up living back with one of my parents and I'm not sure that's really the environment I want to be in. Considering I am expected to work 50-70 hours + there isn't any going back to school or investing time into what I'd like to. I have rent, I have bills.
I am trying, I really am. But I am having a hard time seeing a way ou

Just keep on trucking ...... follow a star .... and GOOD LUCK

a reply to: NarcolepticBuddha

There's nothing more satisfying than looking around and thinking, I EARNED all of this.

But its also nice to be able to get a hand up in life.

Ask your mother or father - or BOTH to help you with co-signing (if you need it) to buy a flat somewhere. Fix it up, live in it, or flip it.
Flip houses is easy money.
Property value usually only goes up!

a reply to: NarcolepticBuddha

It's easy to get down on ourselves when we live in a "showboat" society, full of narcissists and self-absorbed a-holes.

You are more than your bank account or your "possessions". We won't be able to take any of this crap with us when we die anyway. It's about who you are, what you believe in, and how you can make a difference in others' lives while you are here. We've all got to learn to love ourselves and others, and not get distracted with the "stuff".

Sending positive vibes your way. I hope you find some answers and some peace of mind from reflecting on all of this. #Respect

originally posted by: NarcolepticBuddha
Goddamn I work pretty fuggin' hard! It's not unusual for me to clock over 70 hours in a week.

Considering I am expected to work 50-70 hours +...

If I were clocking 70 hours a week and not being compensated in the 90th percentile I would be taking exception with situation.

As an adult, I think it is best not to look to others for financial help unless you are desperate. Sounds to me like you need to go back to school and learn some skills that will put you into a job in a higher income bracket. That's what I did, and I'm certainly not wealthy but I have money to own a small home and take an occasional vacation. Living on a very small income where you are uncertain about how you will meet your financial responsibilities can make life pretty stressful and basically I just wanted to avoid stress, plus have work that is meaningful and challenging to me.

Sal

a reply to: NarcolepticBuddha

I think the criticism of your brother was unfounded.

A very wise man once told me that "it's just as easy to fall in love with a rich girl as a poor one"

this proved to be true...

a reply to: olaru12

It's 'founded.' He is abusive, manipulative, and a two-time adulterer.

a reply to: NarcolepticBuddha
I’m so sorry you are feeling down. In my opinion, being content with your life and who you are is true succes, whether it’s simple or over the top. I’m going to leave you with a few quotes ( I know, how original lol).

“It is better to fail in originality than succeed in imitation.”

“Your positive action along with your positive thinking is success.”

Also, you should be proud of yourself in regards to your hard work! Congratulations on your earnings! That’s big time! I have a feeling your brother is unhappy in his situation and is envious that you have something he doesn’t...happiness.

NB , your OP brought to mind a poem we took in highschool.

Richard Cory By Edwin Arlington Robinson Whenever Richard Cory went down town, We people on the pavement looked at him: He was a gentleman from sole to crown, Clean favored, and imperially slim. And he was always quietly arrayed, And he was always human when he talked; But still he fluttered pulses when he said, "Good-morning," and he glittered when he walked. And he was rich - yes, richer than a king - And admirably schooled in every grace: In fine, we thought that he was everything To make us wish that we were in his place. So on we worked, and waited for the light, And went without the meat, and cursed the bread; And Richard Cory, one calm summer night, Went home and put a bullet through his head. Source: www.familyfriendpoems.com...

Sorry it didn’t copy and paste in poem format, but the gist of it is still there . Everyone envied Richard Cory because he appeared to have everything, but in reality he was miserable and took his own life.

Like other members have said already don’t equate your happiness to material things and don’t compare yourself to others as there will always bd those with more, no matter how rich you get, and there will always be those with less ( some who are very happy)

a reply to: NarcolepticBuddha

You've always come across as a good, decent, intelligent and compassionate sort of guy.
More than I can say about many people.

You shouldn't beat yourself up and stop comparing yourself to others....walk your own road in life.

Maybe try and have a little fun in your life every once in a while, its good to laugh and smile.
What ever it is you enjoy just go and do it.

a reply to: Sheye

Hey Sheye. That's actually one of my favorite songs based solely on its lyrics!

I actually meant to post this song on my OP but in the passion of the moment I forgot

a reply to: NarcolepticBuddha
Your Billy Joel song fits your OP to a tee.

Hope things get better for you NB. If anyone deserves a break in life, it’s you.

Buddy, you sound like a fine bloke to me.

Your parents sound like absolute #s, and I'm glad your grandparents raised you.

Plenty of people like to put me down, and I'll tell you this, I worked for what I have.
They have debt and pay rent and budge or scam as often as possible.

I lent my neighbor $550, because her cousins ex died suddenly, leaving five children behind.
No-one had the money to fly them back to Dads town.

Now my neighbors can afford a new car, a wedding, dope and airfares to NZ.

And her BF loathes me and badmouths me.

I don't think they are doing better than me at all.
Pay huge rent, don't want to pay for speech therapy for their son, vaccinate because the government pays them too.

I could go on with a huge list of the # heads that think they are better than me.

But they are not. They just like someone to put down. It makes them feel better about themselves.
And I think it secretly angers a lot of people that I have managed on my own.

You already know that they are not better than you, they sound desperately pathetic to me.

Some charities have financial councillors. There are also FB group that focus on doing things more cheaply.

In real life there are community gardens that you can relax and dig in, meet people, get freshly grown free food. (my son joined on when he was in the nut house, he went to events, and I often drove him over, so he could pick food for the lunatics to turn into a meal in the psych ward).

I'm betting the people pissing in your ear are drowning in debt or misery.

Good on you for finishing college.

It may help to talk to your parents about their split, and why they didn't raise you. Not a blame game, make that clear, but for your understanding.

My neighbor (female) had a similar upbringing, mostly raised by an aunty. It's totally messed with her head, she has no confidence and is under the thumb of this hopeless BF. She went back and forth between the various relatives and didn't get much of an education. She needs to sort this stuff out, just to clear her own head.

It sounds as though your grandparents gave you stability, I hope so.

You sound like your going OK, if you can cut some costs, it will reduce your stress and add a few dollars to your pocket.

Maybe do some house/pet sitting, it's good money, cash and you can keep going to work. I know an ambulance office, his side business is checking houses, watering plants and feeding pets while owners are away. He got his security licence, wich shows he has no criminal record to boost business.

I've found over the years that it's the small cash jobs that took me over the line. I did a lot of modelling for artists as well. Private groups, universities and TAFEs. They don't care what you look like, they just need to practice.
I'm in Australia, so I'de earn $45 to $75 for 2-3 hours. To stay still.



What sort of work are you doing now?

Big difference between me and my haters... I bought my own homes. Without man.

a reply to: NarcolepticBuddha

Don't let other's lifestyles, current situations, demographics, etc. affect the amazing responsible job your are ding with YOUR life right now. As long as you are happy doing what you are doing, then you will be ok. You are an individual. Don't base your success on other's ideologies of what success means to them. We're all individuals with our own perspectives. Best of luck!