I want Jesus to glug.

meant this some other time.

how to skin your knee and two other un-fascinating subjects.
fall down for Christ’s sake if you really want to skin your knee just never
blackout after it occurs.
See how you run to mums bosom with crocodile tears?
If you can’t vomit politely then please vomit in the privacy of your own
home. I remember that the hangar was full of lights and aircraft which isn’t
what it really looks like. This is the sign of a family ripped apart for no
good reason at all. Some people resort to negative religious beliefs when
this happens. Others, resort to seclusion and sarcasm. Remember grandma’s
poppies? You tried to cut them for their syrup and never really got any
results. You were doing it wrong. You should have focused on the aircraft.
#ing old World War II planes just sitting around gathering dust and you
have no access because you are worried about other things. The hills and
mountains of Afghanistan. The jungles of Honduras. The low flying radar
skimming produce of Columbia. It wasn’t even in those areas that was a
primary concern - you heard the stories from your dad after he came back
home after being gone for a couple of days - tanned - in the middle of
January. If it isn’t your old friend the DC3 - smell the oil and the metal?
If it isn’t your old friend the USS Bainbridge? Smell the oil? smell the
metal? All these places they took you and all the adventures you did or
might have had. Blurry like dreams. A man falling on a pier, down a hole,
breaking both legs, drunk. a man #ting his pants and smearing the walls
of a restroom. a man smacking you in the knee with a crescent wrench. bill
before the suicide remarking on his travels. stories of Chicago and dry
humping girls in his mothers basement while listening to madness. a fat girl
on the pool table trapped by a snowstorm - says she will do anything. Darren
takes her up on that - I got to get the # out of here. Get me out of this
place. I want French and Algerian whores - not these Midwestern future
wives. I want to see EVERYTHING. I can see it in my mind and I still do when
I sleep. I did see everything and now I sleep.
I keep finding little bits of seritonin reflecting and ferrying these little
bits over my own personal Hades. Pluto. halo. it will be mighty cold one day
and there won’t be much left to warm me back up. maybe memories are a ticket
out of hell.
the old days are ambiguous. I should spell check but we all get the point.
there was darkness and light and you are supposed to decide about that
sometime. keep running out of time. busy. lethargic. laconic?
the new days are ambitious without me. I see myself in a particular setting
and I have never tried to see myself in one that is pleasant and heavenly.
doesn’t exist for me. the memories never tried to construct a vision or even
a bridge to utopia either here or in the next world. Still seeing the world
for what it is, not what it will become or could be or even should be.
See her in that one skirt back around 1990. still see the smile and the wind
blowing it gently around her. It was maybe the only time I really loved her.
It was alright.
Out in the middle of the Atlantic before that time I saw ALL of the stars
and that made me feel so terribly small out on the black glass as we slipped
through it. It made me remember her and wished she could see what I was
seeing. But I knew the communication wouldn’t work. I knew either her or
myself would stumble upon some idiotic hurdle we set up years before. It was
the first time that I ever really hated her.
You want these things that I never wanted. Male - my world could be dirty
and I wouldn’t mind. Female - My world will be perfect for a child? is that
it? Back into my shell I would always hide. I KNEW that nature could take
love and smash it. she could smash a babies head on the rocks emotionless.
atomic energy feels no love it just is. that’s what I am afraid of and can’t
get anyone else to admit. evil is a dirty house? evil is everything? take
your pick. I have. now its worse than before but better at the same time.
isn’t it? when you say that everything is #ed up don’t you mean that
everything is going to be alright? whatever happened to suffering in
silence?
so when she was saved I am not sure if it was ever formalized. I don’t
remember her going to the front of the church like the others. it was just
assumed that she knew HER god. must have been the way she always looked so
judgmental. people of god usually look one of two ways, worried, or
judgmental.
it was here that they lost me. it was really about the way they looked and
smelled more than what they had to say. I could smell their fear and I think
some really bad people can smell it now too.
what was her name anyway? I don’t remember anymore.
so some remember the old ones - Persian - Manichean - and so on. it really
shouldn’t be a question anymore - but many still ask it. we should all be
well aware of what it can do to us and what it eventually will do to us. and
what it makes us do to each other. when I say these things you get angry and
ignore me and say that there is no way to be happy with those thoughts. but
I AM HAPPY. I really am. I get happier and happier the closer it comes
because I think I won’t have to think anymore. I will be put on autopilot. I
will be back to the source. I will be in that hangar again but I wont have
to remember.


so where were you - bad tennis shoes - new friends - I still remember when
you said I was a worthless drunk but now you are dead? god is unfair isn’t
she? or?
there was a time when they weren’t too sure they liked each other. I suppose
opposites attract. you keep coming up with excuses to describe the evil you
see. humanity isn’t even really supposed to act this way but it does and you
get subjective. once again I am right. always right. I don’t need a crystal
ball. I understand the nature of it all. I connected the dots years ago -
the chubby kid said, “# dood, the wall is down, I’m staying in, there
will never be another war.” I said, “This means that there will only be
more.”
Was I crazy then? Am I crazy now? ignore it, what the hell, don’t react
until it directly effects you - I realize you can’t help it. I see how that
happens. Lillith never revenges the cycle and you won’t try to figure out
what that means. I speak in codes? You had the chance. The arithmetic is
done. It has always been finished.
And I can remember a day that it wasn’t. Think and then stop. Madness. I see
art in noises and I still hope something is listening - I want you to listen
for me.
I see you in the summer resting on the bed with the fleece blanket and the
cat is sleeping between your legs. it is a perfect picture but I will not
run and get the camera because I think it is burned into my memory.
this is the real question. why allow us all of these memories only to erase
them. they were meant to be erased? it is all that we have god damnit. it is
all that we have ever REALLY had.
this is why some want to build these bridges to you and why I want to burn
them down.
You came to town on a mission. the thoracic pounding was so slow. can you
even remember what you said to your acclaimed best friends on a certain day.
that day maybe there was some music playing and maybe there was some
marijuana smoking going on and you secretly hated their future because they
didn’t have a future and you knew that you did and that you would probably
have to stunt it for their accepta

This is disjointed, confusing, and a little on the stream-of-consciousness-side BUT

I love it! You are no fool afterall.

.... I don't get the title?

a reply to: angeldoll

Thank you. Here is the rest- I was really drunk yesterday. Didn't post it all:

---------------------------------

acceptance but that is the way the world works
after all and now you see it all around you and you hear certain people you
care about say how unfair that it is but somehow now you have remained the
same but have grown and they haven’t. soon it all becomes class warfare.
sooner or later even on a microcosmic level one class is always better than
the other and you have to find your way through that maze. the minotaur this
time is friendly? did he lose his horns? Confused but not trampled or gored.
still looking like a brave man? never in the history of slough has there
been such a man you say! a loser who wins. trust me, this is only possible
in this world at this time and place. had we been born 1000 years ago we’d
both be someone’s slave or serf. more concerned about our next beating or
slurp of gruel than whether or not we should have been napoleon or the
antichrist.


here is where the silly bit comes in. you see that sometimes it is
impossible to not laugh about all of this because it is really above
anything that ever mattered and below everything that can ever be acted
upon. you get some cheap thrills pretty easy and then realize they aren’t
thrills at all.
its funny that everyone is so afraid to say they’d love to murder especially
because so many want to so badly. it is ever silliest to think they project
their rage back on themselves and their own kind - a suicidal genocide. its
ever sillier because you think this has never happened before but we always
learn sooner or later even if it is too late.