I'm scared

The past 2 weeks have been pretty bad. My mom was just diagnosed with lung cancer she's 58 and my grandmother just died 2 days ago. Currently I'm living with my other grandmother and she has alzheimers. The bad thing is I know whats coming because it's what my other grandmother had.

I have no siblings and my dad died in 1983. My moms sister is currently running the show. She's going to be taking my mom to chemo and she's also taking care of my grandmother. I'll be helping with what I can.

I only have 1 friend and no immediate family other then my aunts uncles and cousins. I've never been close with my other family members.

I'm on disability because I have schizophrenia. I'm losing all of the people closest to me and the ones that look out for me.

My biggest fear is losing my ability to get my medication. I've been taking my medication every day for 20 years. If I don't take my medication I go schizo and it can take years to recover. If I went schizo I wouldn't be able to take care of myself.

I'm totally depended on the government to get my medication. I fought so hard to overcome this illness. I can somewhat take care of myself as long as I have my medication. If I went schizo with no one to help I could end up in jail. I've seen what happens to people with mental illness in jail on tv. They dope you to the max with the cheapest drugs available and the other inmates prey on the weak. Those cheap medications are really bad. They were developed in the 1950's and the side effects make life unbearable. I had to take them once before.

I don't know how I'm going to survive on $900 a month. The only housing in my area I can afford is full of bed bugs and cockroaches. I've known people that have lived there. I'm wondering if I'd be better off sleeping on the streets. I'd rather sleep on a bench then have bugs crawling on me.

I'd jump on a bus and go somewhere else but I'm tied to my doctor. I've had run ins with bad doctors and they could royally screw me over.

The past few weeks have been pretty bad and I'm afraid of the future. Sometimes I wish I never existed.

a reply to: wantsome

I am sorry that you're having a hard time. Your situation sounds scary, not least because you don't seem to have lots of people there to catch you if you stumble. We all need that.

I know it sounds trite, but have you ever considered finding a support group that meets locally? One good thing about the internet is its facility to connect us with others who are having similar problems, which can be hard when you have unusual problems.

Stay strong. I'm a nightman sort of person, and having a bit of # day myself. I'll keep you company for a while if you'd like to shoot the breeze.

Stay strong. You have a lot of responsibilities right now, however you need to do what is best for you. Stay on your meds. You have a good handle on how the d.o.c. Prefers to have those who need medication druged up in order to ensure compliance. I wouldn't wish that upon my worst enemy. I have personally witnessed they long term effects of their care and it never ends well. As far as the no friends part, I am sorry about that, ive been through losing friends and it's never fun. I don't know you but you seem like you've got a good head. Make sure you keep it. And stay off the streets. Not sure what I can do but if you need someone to just vent your frustration to please feel free to send me a message. Good luck.

a reply to: wantsomeHi man , Im really sorry to hear life is so rough 4 you right now,I hope things get better for u.
Im somewhat in the same situation as you atm. So i really feel for u bro.
U say somthing about getting cheap medication which arent good for u.
Can u elaborate further why are u taking these cheap medication ?
I know from experience how bad the cheap ones are for people.

Honey I'm so sorry. What a loaded wagon you have. I'd be scared too.

You can't handle all this alone. Reach out to social service agencies. That's what they're there for.

You may think you are alone but you arn't. Many on ATS understand how frightening life can be.

Contact the the county health clinic for a case worker who can help you the right meds you need and hopefully a therapist for you to talk to who can help guide you through this really rough patch. It's hard to see a future when you are going through rough times in every aspect of your life. Believe it or not-most often you will come out stronger and more self-reliant once you navigate your way through all these bad spots.

Know you are not alone. Everyone goes through bad times when it seems your world is falling apart and you are all alone. Please reach out to a church or support group also-they understand and can be your best friends because they "get it." Usually you don't have to worry about being judged for who you are or sharing your fears. And be kind to yourself. Being afraid is a natural response that everyone can understand.

More than likely you will meet the most caring people you never knew exusted if you will just reach out and not be asamed or afraid to say you need help and are afraid. People do want to help.

I will be thinking of you. Try to be strong-it's just life which can be scary at times and hang in there-help is on the way-just ask.

a reply to: wantsome

First, i am shocked at your confession of schizophrenia. I don't mean that in any negative way....im just not accustomed to people with schizophrenia being able to check me on logic as often as you have over the years here. Impressive.

Im sorry about the rough patch. My mom went through similar losing her husband and father in the course of a month, then dealing with her mom. What kept my mom sane was church. She immersed herself back in faith so she could have help being strong when she needed it.

I hope you find a path that gives you sanity. And I hope for the best for you.

Move to Austin.
You'll fit right in.
I can show you where to sleep and get food.

There isn't anything constructive I can really said to offer you comfort I am afraid. My mum died when I was young of Cancer and I was there throughout it right to the end and those memories stay with me even today. You know yourself what is coming and you have to prepare yourself. Obviously in your case you are not only preparing for the coming events but also life on your own with disabilities.

I am lucky as in the UK the NHS is pretty good (actually brilliant) at care and obviously over here it's all free. You on the other hand are on a low income and can fully appreciate the fear factor you have.

All I can say really is little steps you know the problems you are going to face so see if you can break them down a bit from housing to finance to emotional support. as a few people have already stated there is a lot of help out there both on the internet and in real life with support groups this isn't just for your mental health but also with the support for what you are going through with your mum.

I can't imagine sleeping on the streets but I do know people in that situation find life more difficult simply because they have no address so on the face of it I would certainly say that's shouldn't be an option (least of all in todays world)

I know that isn't much help but I really just wanted to say my heart goes out to you. Your personal situation aside I would say cherish each day with your mum talk often, tell her how much you love her, talk about the past and even your own fears I bet she will be thinking of them too. I often think what I would say to my mum if she was still here and honestly I just think it would be I love you, I was lucky I managed to say everything I wanted to say as I was a kid, you on the other hand may regret not saying everything you wanted to. As sad as it is, the clock is ticking I hope in all of this you manage to find comfort and peace. You are in my thoughts x

You might considering it insulting to have suggested, but I'd be looking for group homes or ALFs that cater to those with mental afflictions. That way you can have both the support necessary and help readily available when you need it.
They do exist, it can just take some time to track them down, especially good ones.

My cousin is extremely scizo and he walked away one day left all the meds behind noone heard from him for 12 years he now works for the railroad. He said he was walking along the tracks and there was a train stopped and the conductor invited him aboard after talking for a few minutes. They talked for hours and the conductor pulled some string and got him a labor job. He hasn't taken meds since seems hard work might be a good fit for the cure or at least treatment of it. He seems totally normal to this day after said hard working job....go chop some wood carry some block or brick try hard work helped my cousin could help you

Don't know what state you are in? Or country for that matter.

Look into a board and care. Find a social worker to help you - your county or state should provide you one if you are on benefits.

There is no reason that your meds will go away - unless you 'drop the ball'. You have a doctor right? get a referral to a social worker - and listen to them.

I'm sorry about your circumstances, it is scary, even for the able bodied.

There are many resources out their for you (if the 'own bootstrap' type don't take them away) and you've had family to help navigate the system now you have to do it yourself.

Ask for help, ask for help again. You'll meet new friends and advocates along the way.

Best Wishes, keep us informed along the way.

a reply to: wantsome

You need someone to advocate for you. Probably someone with knowledge of your medical history and situation. Perhaps like a community nurse who can check up and ensure you are OK.

And also, you can be passive in this or you can be someone else's savior. I mean that. Think about it, there are others who are in in similar situations and alone. You can speak directly to that!

But you have to go out and find them. To network to find them. Perhaps volunteer for some sort of community service or join a self help group. Perhaps you just have to do some odd jobs or cooking for someone in need. I don't really know but I find that God or karma or whatever you believe, will reward you if you try hard (and it may be very hard).

As our furry Texan friend said, churches can be a big help, and a good cause to fight for. Don't necessarily look for a big church, because they can be a little impersonal. Look for a community.

I know I'm biased, because I am a born again, Spirit filled type of Christian, but you don't have to follow that particular path.

But we are all here on this same planet and we are a gregarious species. We have a need for companions who can carry each other. Be the person to others, who is just what you need from others. Unity is strength and unity is found in community.

I bless you and your family that healing will occur, more than once, and that God will give you and yours a touch of the divine, in Jesus name.

I agree with the others mentioning about group care. Bring this up with your loved ones that you need to work on yourself right now. I believe some of the places offer your own small/studio(shared kitchen and or bathroom) apartment, help you with living tasks, check up on you, etc.

These types of places, hopefully are more cleanly, or at they should be by policy then low income or cheaper places where landlords let them turn into slums. That as opposed to sleeping on the streets, those of us who have been there, can say it's not an easy street or it it safe or anywhere to heal mentally.

That's really a top priority, as you don't want to be faced with having to find that in a more dire situation. I lost a parent at a younger age, sadly no time to prepare due to the abrupt circumstance. If it was a situation where we(family) knew before hand, preparing is the first thing we should have done.

Wishing the best of luck.

I am so sorry.. it sounds like you've really been put through the wringer. I'm sorry also to hear about the loss of your gran and now your Moms sickness. I would be scared too!
There has been some wonderful advice offered, I hope you can find a support system like that nearby. Please start reaching out now so you won't be completely adrift if anything happens suddenly. There really are amazing groups out there, my nephew ended up here with us and has been going to a help center for almost a year now. They have been amazing in support and services and have provided it all to him at no cost. They really are out there. Best of luck and please let us know hw your'e doing!

a reply to: wantsome

Sorry about your circumstances. Something that might help is to talk to your doctor about the medications. The drug companies have programs that will help with getting them to you. I think how it works, is your doctor will give you a form to fill out (or maybe it can be printed from online, and you bring the form to your doctor?) The form is filled out by both of you, and the doctor should mail it. When approved, the drug company will mail the medication to your doctor, then you go pick it up from your doctor. It should be free.

Look at the manufacturer, it will be on the label with the directions on how to take/use the medication, or if you got the original bottle, the manufacturer will be on the bottle. You could search online for what programs they offer.

For example, here's the Merck Patient Assistance Program type in the drug and go from there. If you don't have a printer to print the form out, a library has free internet and printing if you have a library card.

Hope it helps. Best to you.

Thanks for the kind words everyone. The hits just keep coming for my family. My step dad lost his job of 30 years 6 months ago. He found a new job and he loved working there. He just got laid off. The family is thinking it's a health insurance issue because of my moms diagnoses so they're getting rid of my step dad. My mom and step dad have a lot of bills. My step dad was making $25 an hour. Now he's going to be getting jack squat on unemployment. Also my mom is going to lose her health insurance.

As if that wasn't bad enough. My grandmother hasn't talked to her brother in 40 years. A couple years ago she started talking to that side of the family again. My grandmother is extremely naive and easily tricked. Her niece conned her into signing a car loan for $12,000. The family wouldn't have known about it but I caught wind. My grandmother needs that money for her care with alzheimers. She's going to need around the clock assistance soon. My grandmother forgot she even signed the loan already.

I have so much stuff to worry about. With my illness when I'm stressed my mind starts to turn against me. My mind plays tricks on me. I see things and hear things that aren't there. I'm dealing with all these family issues and trying to maintain my own sanity at the same time. Right now I'm in a state of perpetual anguish. My nerves are so rattled I feel sick to my stomach.

I going to see my doctor at the end of the month and tell him whats going on.

a reply to: wantsome

That's some hard rain, wantsome. What sorts of hobbies do you have? Do you play sports?

I only ask because I started boxing this past year. I'm not even close to being a competent fighter -- but it really does wonders for me when I'm stressed. I dunno -- maybe there's something like that out there for you.

There are people like your niece in just about every family it seems. My wife's sister took advantage of their father (a dementia patient) in a similar way. She is a lifelong drunk who raised four kids, each with a different father. She would talk your ear off about how badly she was treated by their father but the instant she needed anything she was just the perfect daddy's girl. These people are lemmings and they always get what's coming to them.

Did you ever read "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"? There is a simple phrase used repetitively in the story that I refer to almost daily.

Don't Panic.