How to handle single life?

I am really wishing I could get some advice or counsel on how to deal with being single late in life?

Some of you may have seen me lose it and spill my traumatic break down of my marriage here six months ago. Husband was living a secret life, started out saying it was only two years, but he leaks out the secrets slowly, dosing them as he thinks I can handle it. We're at 5 years now, and the acts of deception continue to grow. He is a sex addict, and I was willing to work on recovery with him, but he eventually decided it would be too big a challenge and has resigned himself to basically dedicating his life to the constant search for the next anonymous "fix" for the day.

I ended up having to sadly say goodbye, as I just found I couldn't live with this. Things are better in a sense - I have a place I love, I have a new job close enough to walk to, I am without worry financially. I am in better physical shape than I have been for years, I am running daily, going to the gym, eating healthy; I am not smoking nor drinking (two things I focused on staying away from since the whole traumatic thing happened, knowing there is way too much risk of abuse). I am nearer to my daughter and grandkids. I meditate and practice yoga daily, trying to be mindful, let go of the past, and move forward positively.

On the other hand, relationships are complicated! With the ex, it is a mess. I am fine when I don't see him, get confused when I do. He is a confusing mess of "I love you, want you - don't want you because I'll hurt you" back and forth. He is very conflicted himself.

I went on dating sites out of curiosity, wondering what the heck my chance are of ever being with a man again. While in California (went home for a while) or in France, I was overwhelmed with the number of messages and pursuing each day. I ended up meeting a few. A couple of them were really great people, and really went through a lot to get to know me. I just didn't feel ready for any romance.

I have a group of girlfriends, english speakers (british and american) who have been supportive.

But they are mostly very busy with their own families and work. I feel lonely. I try to keep myself busy so I don't mull over my losses. I loved my husband very much, a part of me still does, so the depth of his deception and the loss of what once seemed wonderful is painful as hell still.

I don't know if I even want to find love one day, I am feeling now that being alone is preferable to the complications and risks of love relationships. But I miss human contact with equals. - I mean, I can hug and kiss my grandchildren and children, but that is not the same.

I seem fine most of the time, but have moments when I just start crying. Usually when I am running or working out hard, as if the emotions are being released from my body. I think I'll be okay, I see a lot of progression, I am evolving personally.

JUst wanting to exchange with others who found themselves unexpectedly single after forty? Any advice, anecdotes, ideas, to offer me?

Part of my challenge is that I am an expat american living in france. I will never ever date a french man again (we've found that the ethics and values surrounding some issues like sex and honesty, are just too wildly different between our cultures to even dare to tackle again). So barring some miracle of another nationality showing up in my area (which is NOT Paris...) I pretty much have to accept I'll be single for the rest of my life.
I'm getting used to the idea. How to maximize that ? How to really enjoy the last third of life totally alone, and be happy?

Hang in there. It really does get easier.
A little over 3 years ago, I went through the same thing....lies, betrayal, divorce...and was [ still am ] on my own. I had to learn to deal with it all and be ok with Being on my own. Fact is, I actually Like being free.
Yeah, I do get lonely and I would enjoy having someone around, but I don't NEED someone around. Know what I'm sayin' ?I'm just fine being me.
My kids are a bit older now, have jobs and school, so if I'm not spending time with them [ when they HAVE time ] I go where I want, when I want, IF I want, I spend money on whatever I want, I mean Hell, I'm havin' fun!!

Give yourself time to grieve. You've lost a big part of your life and no matter how necessary it was to end it, it takes a while to get over.

Give yourself time to grieve. You've lost a big part of your life and no matter how necessary it was to end it, it takes a while to get over.

The hardest to hear but the most accurate advice beyond all.

originally posted by: DAVID64
Hang in there. It really does get easier.
A little over 3 years ago, I went through the same thing....lies, betrayal, divorce...and was [ still am ] on my own. I had to learn to deal with it all and be ok with Being on my own. Fact is, I actually Like being free.
Yeah, I do get lonely and I would enjoy having someone around, but I don't NEED someone around. Know what I'm sayin' ?I'm just fine being me.
My kids are a bit older now, have jobs and school, so if I'm not spending time with them [ when they HAVE time ] I go where I want, when I want, IF I want, I spend money on whatever I want, I mean Hell, I'm havin' fun!!

Give yourself time to grieve. You've lost a big part of your life and no matter how necessary it was to end it, it takes a while to get over.

^^This
DAVID hit the nail on the head , Freedom is to be embraced not feared.
Take the time you need to come to terms with the situation then embrace your freedom and do what you want to do when you want to do it .... jump in the water is fine.

I squeeze the toothpaste from the middle now because I can.

a reply to: Bluesma

I am only thirty so I can in no way understand what you are going through. What I can say is this. Being single really does allow me to spend as much time as possible with my sisters and enjoy the simple things. I was at a time days away from being married. That fell through and now I devote my time to my family. Enjoy your life. If you feel that you need someone to help you do so than you than you really don’t. But like I said I am young.

You have much to teach and more to learn. Pass that on and tend to your flock.

a reply to: gortex

I squeeze the toothpaste from the middle now because I can.

Great. First this and next anarchy. Next stop apocalypse. What have you done?

a reply to: Bluesma

Being single is great you can do what you want see who you want and walk around in your underpants all day without the other half nagging about it.
I just date now and then get bored and be single again, I'm always happier now when single.

a reply to: JinMI

Livin life on the edge mate , sometimes I even leave the toilet seat up , if that triggers the apocalypse I'm sorry but I make no apologies.

a reply to: gortex

Never understood all that nagging wouldn't it be polite for them to leave it up for us? why does it always have to be down when we only need it down maybe twice a day.
Rebel my Brothers leave it up!.

a reply to: Bluesma

Rotten that is. I hear parasites have something to do with how behavior works, nasty buggers can wreak havoc when not disposed of, and it's more common than one might think. One example is a cat with parasites known to transfer them to mice, changing how mice think and react to the point where the mice will go towards the predator instead of away from it thinking it's safe when it's not.

Toxoplasmosis is one of the most common parasitic diseases in cats. This infection is caused by the Toxoplasma gondii parasite. Toxoplasmosis can affect many animals, including humans. ... Most often, this occurs when cats eat mice or rats infected with the parasite.Mar 30, 2018

If that can happen to animals it can happen to the human animal, us.


What i'm saying is, if people are full of worms and other parasitic bugs, never filtering it out for 40-50 years you're talking about an infestation causing disease mind confusion and behavioral problems. Some people used to take Gum spirits of turpentine for this, which is shunned now due to greedy corps.

a reply to: Bluesma

So barring some miracle of another nationality showing up in my area (which is NOT Paris...) I pretty much have to accept I'll be single for the rest of my life. I'm getting used to the idea. How to maximize that ? How to really enjoy the last third of life totally alone, and be happy?

Pull yourself together for starters...it's the grief talking. You're a good-looking woman who takes care of herself and has a range of interests to share. No doubt, there is an equally attractive man out there with a decent heart. Maybe you need to be self-sufficient for a while before being able to notice good men out there again? Sometimes we all need time to lick our wounds and not being in your 20s doesn't mean you can't have another life-long relationship.

Oh and don't rule out French men either. You must know people can be unfaithful in any language. I hope it all works out well whatever happens and that goes for everyone else in the thread.

a reply to: Kandinsky

That's some wise advice

a reply to: JugHead

I'll thake advantage of this advice if thats ok.
Just been thrown out of an 8 year relationship with nowhere to go. Hmmmm.

a reply to: Cymru

I'm sorry to hear it, i'm there right now myself.

originally posted by: gortex

originally posted by: DAVID64
Hang in there. It really does get easier.
A little over 3 years ago, I went through the same thing....lies, betrayal, divorce...and was [ still am ] on my own. I had to learn to deal with it all and be ok with Being on my own. Fact is, I actually Like being free.
Yeah, I do get lonely and I would enjoy having someone around, but I don't NEED someone around. Know what I'm sayin' ?I'm just fine being me.
My kids are a bit older now, have jobs and school, so if I'm not spending time with them [ when they HAVE time ] I go where I want, when I want, IF I want, I spend money on whatever I want, I mean Hell, I'm havin' fun!!

Give yourself time to grieve. You've lost a big part of your life and no matter how necessary it was to end it, it takes a while to get over.

^^This
DAVID hit the nail on the head , Freedom is to be embraced not feared.
Take the time you need to come to terms with the situation then embrace your freedom and do what you want to do when you want to do it .... jump in the water is fine.

I squeeze the toothpaste from the middle now because I can.

Thats funny you say that, my wife squeezes the middle of the toothpaste every time. I use to say something but i gave up awhile ago lol. I honestly dont know why it bothers me...

a reply to: JugHead

Wetherspoons open.

a reply to: Cymru

Sounds like a good pub.

a reply to: JugHead

Messaged you privately Butty.

a reply to: Cymru

Gotcha!

I'm married and in my 40's and the wife only "allows" me to drink once a week. If I have a drink on a day I'm not supposed to I have to stay in my "man cave", so basically I'm an alcoholic. Be happy friend.