Issues with her ex

Long time lurker, first time poster, great topics, love the show.

I’m in a relationship with a woman that’s about 2 weeks away from being a year (my personal best). Things have been going great with only a few hiccups that most relationships deal with save for one thing. Her ex.

It started when I found out that he had texted her late one night reminder her “how good he was at certain things” and wanted to come over for a one night thing that they never discuss again. She decided (I found out later) that since we were less than 3 months into the relationship, she didn’t want to tell me and hurt the relationship).

A month or so after this, he messages her again, telling her he’s sorry and didn’t realize that she was in a relationship. He apparently looked up my FB account and saw a picture of me shirtless in a changing room. Irrelevant point, but I’ve lost over 60lbs in the last year & a half and where I used to be embarrassed by myself shirtless, I’m now very proud of how I look. I’m not 100% where I want to be, but I’m leagues ahead of where I was. He mentioned to her how weird it was seeing her “with a guy who takes shirtless selfies in the bathroom”. She defended me, saying that I was great for her. I didn’t find this out until several months later, and man was I livid. In fact, I didn’t find this out until a month later when he messaged her again wanting to get together for drinks. She finally told me what happened, and when I told her he was trying to hook up with her, she swore up and down that that’s not how he meant it, and that he just was reminding her that he was a skilled conversationalist or some other BS. After a lo~oong fight over this, she swore that she would tell him not to contact her anymore, and she did. He asked her if she was lying when she said they could be friends, and he just wanted to get drinks together. But she stood her ground which is difficult for her because she’s very passive-aggressive and hates confrontation.

So everything’s fine for a while until a few months later (about 2 1/2 months ago) when he told her he still had a picture that is important to her. He offered to bring it by her house. She & I discussed it, and came to the conclusion that, because she works 1 week on, 1 week off between 2 different locations, that she would have him drop it off at her work. After a few weeks of this hanging over my head, and no contact, he messages her again, telling her that “he’s really sorry, but he put it somewhere safe and now doesn’t remember where that is. As soon as he finds it, he’ll drop it off.”

I told her that she needs to decide if this picture is that important to her, to either get it and tell him to piss off, or to just tell him to piss off. Either way works for me, but I want this over with. I know all of this is just his way of keeping himself ingrained in her life. From everything that she’s told me he is just that manipulative. And she has finally stopped defending him to me, after many, many arguments on the subject, which seriously bothers me to this day.

Now she does something else that bothers me, she never puts anything up on FB about us. Not pictures, not status updates, not anything. Now I know normally that’s she’s a private person when it comes to her personal life, and I’m sure that it’s because she doesn’t like that she’s put on weight since they broke up, and doesn’t like how she looks, but with everything going on with her ex, part of me feels like she doesn’t want me to be seen by him. She has removed him (mostly) from FB, but he can still see some of her stuff, and definitely has friends of hers that are also friends of his, and because of how things have played out, I know he’s keeping tabs on her.

Normally I’m not a very jealous person, but this is really bothering me. Especially the fact that our 1 year anniversary is about 2 weeks away, and this still isn’t dealt with. I don’t know how many more ways I can tell her how much this is bothering me, and while she says she loves me, wouldn’t she try to stop hurting me if that were the case?

I’ve told her that this all needs to be taken care of before our anniversary, otherwise we may have to take a break and let her consider what’s important to her. She tells me that she loves me, and she wants to be with me, but I can’t be in a relationship with her AND him. And I refuse to start a new year of our relationship with the shadow of him hanging over our heads. I’ve given her opportunity after opportunity to deal with this herself, partially because I didn’t want to tell her what to do, and partially because I was trying to be a good boyfriend. But I feel like things are at a tipping point between us, and if she really wants to prove to me that she loves me, she needs to handle this.

Sorry for the rambling post, but I just want to make sure that I’m not in the wrong here, if I am, please tell me. I really care about this woman, but can’t stand having someone else breaking my heart again.

a reply to: Rookseven

First off, congrats on almost reaching that 1-year mark, and for your recent transformation.

Now, if she is nearly 1 year into a relationship with you and cannot work with you on finding a mature, respectful solution to this, it shows that her priorities are not in order.

It sounds like she is committed to your relationship, but is also still holding on to something from her last relationship.

I don't have the answers but I can see why you are feeling frustrated. I wish you the best - relationships are challenging (my records are 7 years and 4 years for relationships... have been dating my current girlfriend for 4 years. We will see...)

Congratulations on the weight loss!

I didn’t find this out until several months later, and man was I livid.

Two tips,

1. don't let an ex make you mad by something they said. Don't sweat the small stuff.
2. Facebook is the devil in technology form.

Good luck to you!

a reply to: Rookseven

Only had to read the first bit to realize you are whipped. Break up NOW and move on before you become too attached. It is NOW or possibly a bad night with the cops. Just do it and move on. Grab yo shiz without saying anything get it out. Then tell her you are done and to not contact you again. Trust me you will save yourself many troubles.

What rings alarm bells for me is the no recognition of your relationship on FB
Unless of course she doesn't post on FB at all, but
It's like she isn't acknowledging your relationship publicly
If she is in other ways then that's important and ignore my FB comments
Communicate, if your serious, consider counseling

As for the other issues, well it's baggage and we all carry it
You are in a prime spot to decide your own issues but, again

Why ask here, ask personal friends, if you don't have any to ask, go get some

We are only going to get your side of the story

Trust your instincts. You're not crazy here and you're not being unreasonable or jealous. Your gut and head and heart is telling you that something is amiss and you are right to confront it now. You've done everything you can and should have to deal with this maturely....now it's time for results.

They have unresolved issues. He sounds like a clinical narcissist. They drop a person and then continually come back over and over to reel the person back in. If she were to respond to him warmly and give him what he wants, he would them immediately lose interest and drop her again. Then come back later and do it all over again. If he's a narcissist, that is, and that's what it sounds like. And they have relationships with caring, loving, forgiving and open-minded people because they can be easier to manipulate. Does that describe your girl? (The caring compassionate part)

I think you're right to tell her she needs to make up her mind on this and get some clarity, and if she can't or won't, it's time for you to move on. Not as an ultimatum (although that's what it is, I suppose), but as what YOU need to be in a healthy relationship. Gently and firmly hold your ground here, and whether or not she comes around (either now or after a break-up) and feel good that you're being true to what you need.

a reply to: Rookseven

1. Ultimatums rarely end well. It's even more rare for them to lead to the result the one issuing the ultimatum wishes.

2. If you're at the point of issuing said ultimatums, don't. Just leave. Break off any and all contact and move on.

Youre right on OP, if this is serious, then a picture or some old dork messaging her shouldnt even be an issue.

If she keeps putting up excuses or dragging her feet, that means she inst sure about you two.

Tell her to figure it out and go on hiatus.

Now, judging by the discriptions of this 'effer, he will likely talk her into nailing her while youre on break.

Be prepared to have this unresolved while she decides to forget him finally, or do the above and get yourself a little ex or new to bide your time.

Your choice buddy, I'm on your side.

a reply to: Rookseven


Having read your post yes the guy is trying to keep the door open to talk to her. Its been a year if she wanted him you would be gone. What i did notice however is you have a decision to make. Your not committed your looking for excuses to end the relationship. So you need to sit and think is this something i want and can do. If you decide yes what her ex does means nothing to you. If you decide no let her find someone else and move on.

First off don't let it bother you. You need a clear head.

Second it seems you're at the point now where you where you want resolution. Which is good. A relationship can't properly function if there's a third wheel in the way.

Now it's up to your lady to decide what she wants in her life.

There are two ways you can go about this:

1. Be secure in your manhood and let her see this dude, get her picture or whatever. She's in a relationship with YOU now and none of this other stuff matters. Why? Because YOU are her man.

2. Confront her and have her break off all contact with her ex. She's in a relationship with YOU and the other guy can't be trusted. Your relationship with her doesn't need stress from outside parties.

So...what's missing with these two scenarios? How SHE will react and honestly the choice is hers not yours. Neither scenario is right or wrong and both have a chance of success and/or failure. You can only control how you handle things.

And let's face it, if she still has feelings for this guy after a year or if his sudden contact is getting her confused then you need to kick her to the curb ASAP. You don't need that in your life.

a reply to: Rookseven

if you don't have Trust in a relationship, it's kind of pointless. You can buy sex. But Love is something you and she will have if it's real. Talk with her and find out if she feels the same as you. If she does, then make damn sure you never do anything to break her trust, and let her know that you trust her, and honestly do it. If she breaks your trust, walk away. That's my advise and I've been married for 28 years.

No way would I put up with that.

Sorry, but I would of already left.

a reply to: Rookseven

You really come across as someone who has little long term relationship experience. That's okay, but this issue with the ex is ridiculous. You're all adults. The ex is obviously a little bit of a clinger, she's responding so either she's way too nice or she enjoys the attention. Are you giving her enough attention?

Giving her an ultimatum is eye roll worthy. I would laugh in your face and leave you, as would any confident and independent woman in this situation.

Also, you won't find much good advice here; most people who will post will give you the "poor you" echo chamber, or the "women are evil" rhetoric. Talk to someone who sees you both in the situation.

As for facebook... honestly? Do you know her friends and family personally? Yes? Get over it. No? Now that's a little weird and something to talk to her about.

I was going to put in my 2, but I'll be honest...I'm divorced, so taking relationship advice from me is like taking ass kicking advice from a one legged man.

That being said, I have ZERO tolerance for being lied to and manipulated. Which explains why I'm divorced. Just something to think about.

originally posted by: whyamIhere
No way would I put up with that.

Sorry, but I would of already left.

I am going with ya on that one. I don’t have time for BS child games like that.

It's up to you dude.
No one else can make you happy.

As nice as you want to be being friends with exes is a bad, bad, bad idea.

Tell her to quit sending him mixed messages and leading him on.

I'd say...

What response did you give to the guy that would make him think he has a chance still?

Are you interested in a relationship with guy?

Having had a prior sexual relationship with the guy, do you really think you can go back to a strictly friend based relationship where it never gets weird? You may be able to, but guys aren't wired that way.

Is it fair to the guy to lead him on a make him think that if only he could be friends, he could prove he is worth more to you and "fix" his mistakes leading back to a relationship with you?

If she can't give solid answers and beats around the bush, I would kick her to the curb.

You sound very jealous and insecure. Any time you decide to love someone you risk being hurt. If not by their actions, then by their illness or death. Either you trust her, or you don't. If you don't trust her (whether that's on you or her), then move on - out of respect for her. If you do trust her, let it go -fast- and trust her.

a reply to: Rookseven

a reply to: Rookseven

There was a certain point when me and my girlfriend (now wife) decided we want make a go of it, and we deleted everyone we had ever had been with or wanted to be with, from our lives. The idea was to have no backups. Most relationships fail on their own, why add more obstacles. We have both had ex's try to contact us, but those messages go unanswered.
I think if your lady isnt ready to give up the past, then maybe she isnt ready for a future.