Little Joseph Gobbels [TG2017]

It was a brisk and chilly November morning. The autumn air swept through the tree branches culling little Joseph Gobbels awake. His eyes shot open as his beak filled with the sweet spices of the autumn air. His wattle shifted gently with the breeze as he eagerly awaited his father to awake. The yearly tradition of waking up and hunting for the Thanksgiving Day human was his favorite time of the year. Christmas was OK, but nothing came close to the joy of killing and eating those vile humans.

The things they've done to the turkey race were beyond depravity. Systematically dumbing them down, fattening them up so they couldn't fight back, the hideous little children making stupid hand paintings of them in their schools. The things little Joseph learned in his school were burned into his brain. He would never forget or forgive the humans. All wild turkeys were taught these lessons very early on. Some of the transgressions included:

factory turkeys’ brains are about a third the size of wild turkeys

commercial turkeys have increased from an average of 18 pounds in 1965 to nearly 30 pounds today

To meet human taste for white meat, factory turkeys are bred to have unnaturally large breast. As a result they are unable to breed naturally, female turkeys are all artificially inseminated.

Domesticated turkeys are so heavy for their frames they have chronic foot & leg problems and they can’t run or fly.

While the factory bred birds cannot fly at all, the superior wild turkeys can fly up to 55 MPH.

Yes, there were many reason to hate the humans. And little Joseph Gobbels along with his best friend Adolf Henler fantasized of exterminating the inferior factory turkeys and forcing the humans to go to war. Complete global turkey domination could be achieved. But before his thoughts wondered off too deep into the land of turkocide, he heard Papa Fritz's feathers ruffling in the branches above.

"Come son, quietly. Don't wake your mother". Fritz said in a grumbly voice.

Fritz quietly leapt from the tree and little Joseph followed right on his tail feathers. He noticed the beautiful streaks of orange, pink, and purple that the sunrise had painted across the sky on this joyous Thanksgiving morning. As he gently guided to the forest floor behind his father, he thought about the humans annihilation. Would it mean no more hunts like this? No, he would set up controlled hunting areas and have human hunting seasons to keep this tradition alive. Of course you could always go to a market and get an artificially inseminated, fatty version of a human. They would sell both dark and light meat or even a mixed variety.

The thoughts of this bright future made the day feel even more special. He hoped to one day take his sons and teach them the art of human hunting like his father had for him and his grandfather before that.

Quietly walking through the forest he could see they were coming up on a clearing. A perfectly manicured, finely cut stretch of grass. It had random holes of sand around and a few fake lakes. Why did humans like fake things so much?

"Behold son" Papa Fritz motioned with his wings spread wide "They call it….a Country Club".

Looking around with wide eyes at the man made spectacle Joseph asked "Papa, what is this for?"

"This my son, is where the most yuppy, fat, and over privileged of the humans come to whack balls with clubs. Don't ask me why, just know this is where we will find the plumpest, softest, most-tastiest human we've ever had for our Thanksgiving dinner. They come here and fill up on decadence which in turn makes them delicious!"

Joseph looked around, giant houses could be seen dotted along the sides of the highly manicured egg shaped grass patches. Little flags were stuck in the ground atop tiny little cups. What a stupid game this must be. There was a fake square concrete lake with the bluest of water. A large, lofty gold adorned palace looking place where the humans came to fill up on fancy food. It had a sign out front.

All You Can Eat Turkey Dinner Thanksgiving Day. 11AM-5PM.

Joseph could feel the blood rushing to his wattle as the anger built up inside of him. He started to curl his wings in close, about to take off and drop a big one on that sign and every car in the parking lot. But a soft feather landed on his back and he turned to see his father standing next to him with a gentle smile.

"Patience son. We have something special planned this year. Look over there" Fritz motioned towards a small round hilltop with one of the flags.

There in the middle, a table was set up. A sign lay against the table. It had an odd logo of some green woman. The words read:

FREE STARBUCKS PUMPKIN SPICE LATTES

"You see son, these uppity fools cannot resist the pumpkin spice lattes." Papa Fritz let out a maniacal gobble as a wide grin crept across Josephs beak.

"Look Papa! here comes two humans out of the woods now."

"Easy son, have a closer look."

As Joseph peered in he saw it. They weren't humans at all. They were life like human dummies dressed in hipster cloths, complete with a thin handlebar mustache, being pulled up to the table by two other turkeys.

"Hey! That looks like Adolf and his dad Mr. Henler!" Joseph excitedly said to his father.

"This is what you call a false flag my son. Those dummies are filled with TNT. When enough yuppies gather round to drink the pumpkin spice, the TNT will detonate. The surviving yuppies will blame the hipsters. The humans will destroy each other while we, the rightful rulers of this planet will feast on their corpses"

continued....

"That's genius Papa" a glimmery eyed Joseph proudly said to his father.

"This was your good friend little Adolf Henlers idea. You stick close to him, son. I think you two will one day lead the wild turkeys to world domination. Now take this pumpkin spice spray and spread the pheromones to help attract more humans. Hurry now, they will be gathering soon."

Joseph took the spray and took off in full flight. One by one he sprayed a direct trail from the front doors of each house directly to the trap that lay in wait. As he did, his mind wondered about how else he could help.

He came up with an idea. Among the wild turkeys there were those that believed the factory turkeys could be rescued and brought into the wild. Joseph did not share this view. They were inferior beings that must be exterminated less they poison the pure gene pool. So, he would spread false information. He would blame all of the shortcomings of the wild-lings on the factory turkeys. He would make everybird believe that the factory turkeys were on the side of the humans trying to domesticate and fatten all the wild turkeys.

He would call it...Propagizzarda.

He smiled at the thought as he finished his last spray run to the trap. He would tell Adolf his plan as their families feasted on humans tonight. Together, they would see the wild turkeys reign forever over this world.

For now, he needed to take his spot next to his father. A tall oak tree stood not far from the table. It's final leaves were in the process of falling to the ground now as the light breeze kept this clear morning slightly chilly.

As he landed on the branch next to Papa Fritz, he smiled. This truly was the best Thanksgiving ever. His father wrapped his wing on around him and they sat quietly waiting. Then, the first door opened. A fat female human poked her head through the threshold. Sniffing the air. As the sent drew her gaze towards the trap, Joseph could see her eyes light up with joy.

As she stepped out of her house and walked briskly toward the trap she pulled a small rectangle from her pocket. Without even looking where she was going, the dopes fingers tapped furiously on the small device as she picked up the pace.

“What is she doing Papa?” Joseph asked

“She’s telling the other humans about the pumpkin spice lattes.”

What an idiot! he thought to himself.

She was reaching the table just as many of the other front doors began to open. Like zombies they began to head towards the trap, all with their heads down tapping on little rectangles.

The first woman approached the table. She looked skeptically at the hipster dummies. Joseph could see the condescending look she was giving them. As if they didn’t belong there. He could actually see the hate she had for these other humans. It was going to be easy to turn them against one another.

The woman was about to say something to the hipsters when one of the dummies let out a prerecorded message.
“You’re tots going to love this latte. A peace offering from a rando, I know is a little weird but we just think you all are tots adorbs and want to say happy thanksgiving!”

The woman gave a fake smile and grabbed a cup from the table. She filled her cup and turned to see how far away more of her kind were. Luckily they were coming in fast. When the others saw the hipsters they had a slightly worried look on their face but the presence of one of their own put them at ease.

Slowly but steadily the area filled with yuppies. Soon almost the whole little hill was covered with them. Joseph looked across to the top of another oak tree. He could see his friend looking back at him. Joseph smiled as little Adolf Henler sent a slight nod his way. Adolf pecked somehitng with is beak and…

BOOM

The scent of pumpkin spice and human guts filled the air. Body parts were lifted high above the tree tops and the 4 wild turkeys watched in amazement as charred medium rare pieces of human slowly began to rain down around them. They let out gobbles of joy as they swooped down to the carnage below. They gathered as many pieces of meat as they could carry and took off for the woods, laughing all the way back to their trees.

Mrs. Fritz, Joseph’s sisters, and the Henler family were waiting for them. When they saw the meat the boys were carrying they started waddling around in joy. The boys dropped the meat all around them and landed next to their loved ones.

They all danced and laughed as they feasted on the charred fatty remains of the uppity humans. Adolf and Joseph plotted their world domination into the wee hours of the night as they gorged on flesh. It was the happiest Thanksgiving ever.

THE END.

FYI these are all true.

factory turkeys’ brains are about a third the size of wild turkeys

commercial turkeys have increased from an average of 18 pounds in 1965 to nearly 30 pounds today

To meet human taste for white meat, factory turkeys are bred to have unnaturally large breast. As a result they are unable to breed naturally, female turkeys are all artificially inseminated.

Domesticated turkeys are so heavy for their frames they have chronic foot & leg problems and they can’t run or fly.

While the factory bred birds cannot fly at all, the superior wild turkeys can fly up to 55 MPH.

originally posted by: FauxMulder
FYI these are all true.

factory turkeys’ brains are about a third the size of wild turkeys

commercial turkeys have increased from an average of 18 pounds in 1965 to nearly 30 pounds today

To meet human taste for white meat, factory turkeys are bred to have unnaturally large breast. As a result they are unable to breed naturally, female turkeys are all artificially inseminated.

Domesticated turkeys are so heavy for their frames they have chronic foot & leg problems and they can’t run or fly.

While the factory bred birds cannot fly at all, the superior wild turkeys can fly up to 55 MPH.

Goebbel's grows chickens too. Review of current poultry farming practices can be found in Food, Inc.

a reply to: FauxMulder

Dark, twisted, evil.

Just like every Thanksgiving story!

a reply to: DBCowboy

Just think of how fun the Christmas stories will be.

a reply to: FauxMulder

a reply to: intrptr

My mother and sister both quit eating meat after watching a bunch of those documentaries.

Me? I was eating chicken nuggets while I watched that.

But in a perfect world, I'd raise my own live stock. Pretty much there isn't anything that would stop me from eating meat.

That was funny. Good job!

I always knew Thanksgiving needed Nazis.

a reply to: AugustusMasonicus

Haven't you heard? ATS has been infested with em. I thought this story would resonate.

originally posted by: FauxMulder
Haven't you heard? ATS has been infested with em. I thought this story would resonate.

Nazis? On ATS? That's it, I'm göring home.

a reply to: AugustusMasonicus

You don't have to but....you can't. stay. here.

I know who I want to take me home

originally posted by: FauxMulder
a reply to: intrptr

My mother and sister both quit eating meat after watching a bunch of those documentaries.

Me? I was eating chicken nuggets while I watched that.

But in a perfect world, I'd raise my own live stock. Pretty much there isn't anything that would stop me from eating meat.

That same film Food, Inc. also interviews a good farmer who explains the difference between Mega Livestock Corporate methods and his own.

Nothing wrong wth eating meat, per se., depends on how its grown, prepared and served. if you saw the whole film you already know that.

a reply to: FauxMulder


'Every new beginning comes from some other beginnings end.' - A. Hitler on the Fourth Reich

a reply to: AugustusMasonicus

Fortunately for us the latest incarnation is easily put down. Maybe the Fifth Reich will be polar bears. Look out Christmas contest.

Thank you for this Faux! Very original and I needed a good laugh, loved it

a reply to: FauxMulder


That was great, Faux, more so for the inclusion of some actual facts

a reply to: SprocketUK

Thanks, I'm glad you enjoyed it.

The best fact included IMO, was that Turkeys love the taste of human as much as we love the taste of turkey

a reply to: szino9

Thank you kind sir! I'm glad you liked it