Google search sucks when...

You find out the dad you never knew died.

That's what just happened for me. I've never known my dad, except a year when I was 15 and a rebellion (aka stoner/skater) and my mom sent me to him for a year. That is the only year I can remember with my dad, and it sucked.

I reached out to him about 4 months ago randomly, and ended up in contact with his neighbor, who told me I needed to come see him asap, which of course I shrugged off. Why would I put priority into seeing someone I hadn't seen in over 20 years? I attempted a phone call, no answer. Later that day while away from my phone he had called me back, but I missed it. He didn't leave a voicemail so I instantly thought FU dad, after 20 years you cant leave a voicemail? So I didn't pursue further contact.

Today I googled his name and found an obituary, dated 3 weeks after my attempt to contact him.

I don't know why, but my eyes keep leaking liquid, and some things just suck right now. Thanks for listening.

a reply to: Vector99

Sorry for your loss man. Sucks.

I would have questioned the leaks considering it doesn't seem like you were even afforded half of the thought you placed on him.

a reply to: Vector99

That is rough.

I hope you can set your mind at ease. Cry for a while and then go on with your life. Remember, your dad died knowing that you at least attempted to contact him.

a reply to: Vector99

That's heartbreaking.

Thanks for sharing. It reminds that sometimes we need to give others the benefeit of the doubt. When we don't, it might produce unintended consequences.

My best to you during this terrible time. I really hope time heals the pain you feel right now.

a reply to: Vector99

Sorry for your loss. Life definitely does not seem fair sometimes.

At least you know you tried to contact him, and he attempted to return the call.

Are you familiar with the Pearl Jam song Alive and the story behind that song? Great classic tune quite a bit like what you just went through.

Best wishes to you!

a reply to: Vector99

im 37 and didnt know my dad either total foster kid lived with him for six months when i was six
and he lives close to where i live and dont even know his grand children ect... they are teens now.
ive often thought that one day he is going to die and fsmily will ask to come to his funeral thing and i wont
and then one day i will swing by his grave just to pee on it ..............i dont know if i really will or if ill feel the same
way when it acually happens but my piont is your not alone on things like that wish io had some wiser words
or forgive love type stuff buy find comfort in your not alone when it comes to the pain of things

I don't think you're sad because he died, you're sad because now you'll never know "Why?".
Why didn't you love me enough to stay around?
What did I do?
Is it my fault?
If you didn't want me, why did you have me?
You are sad because the chance for That Talk and maybe, just maybe, an apology and a chance to finally connect to the Dad you never knew is gone.

My father was a violent man, didn't show love and for all outward signs, didn't give a sh** about me or my sister. He died years ago and sometimes I still want to know... Why?

When all is said and done, it did do one thing....Made me the best damn Dad I could be.

originally posted by: DAVID64
I don't think you're sad because he died, you're sad because now you'll never know "Why?".

You are correct. Now I'll never know why.

a reply to: Vector99
Sorry for your loss.

originally posted by: Vector99
You find out the dad you never knew died.

That's what just happened for me. I've never known my dad, except a year when I was 15 and a rebellion (aka stoner/skater) and my mom sent me to him for a year. That is the only year I can remember with my dad, and it sucked.

I reached out to him about 4 months ago randomly, and ended up in contact with his neighbor, who told me I needed to come see him asap, which of course I shrugged off. Why would I put priority into seeing someone I hadn't seen in over 20 years? I attempted a phone call, no answer. Later that day while away from my phone he had called me back, but I missed it. He didn't leave a voicemail so I instantly thought FU dad, after 20 years you cant leave a voicemail? So I didn't pursue further contact.

Today I googled his name and found an obituary, dated 3 weeks after my attempt to contact him.

I don't know why, but my eyes keep leaking liquid, and some things just suck right now. Thanks for listening.

Sorry for your loss...but things happen (or don't happen) for reasons we sometimes just don't understand. But...it didn't, and it was probably for the best.

Sorry again.....:/...MS

a reply to: Vector99

Sorry to hear.

I won’t say sorry for your loss, because, was it a loss, someone who realistically was never there for you? I don’t mean it to sound callous when I say that, but I think David64 has nailed it here, it’s more about why...

That part will remain unanswered, and I guess that’s the hard bit to quantify, the part that hurts the most too, I’m sure.

And for that, I’m sorry for that loss.

a reply to: Vector99



How about I take up for 'the other side' ? No, not for what You typed, because as I read it, that wasn't "Dad". Sure, sometimes there are circumstances which prohibit a Father seeing their progeny, this isn't one of those. "Dad" takes You to the park and ball games and teaches You to fish. "Dad" doesn't hold grudges and blames said progeny for circumstances beyond their control. Kinda like when I watch "The Little Couple®" and "The 7 Johnstons" both are American television shows in which 2 families who are inflicted w/Dwarfism, and both have adopted dwarf children. The parents on those shows are "Mom & Dad"
This guy is the guy that got Your Mom pregnant. PERIOD. He had a chance to be "Dad" and obviously at a point in Your Life where Your Mom thought You NEEDED a male figure (Yang) And how did He handle this?

Here is where I 'stick up for the other side'

I have zero doubt that You'll discover the reason 'why' and I'll type that this happens within 49 days of when You found this out, so right around JesusTheChris†'s Naming Day...

Have a better day.

Stay Hydrated...

a reply to: JimNasium

I'm going to see my mom tomorrow, apparently she has been keeping something from me about him my whole life. I called her later in the evening after finding out and she said she would like to talk to me about something she never could while he was alive. Maybe I will find out the 'why' after all.

Also, Thank you everyone for your kind words and sympathy, it helps a lot!

a reply to: Vector99



Like I typed...

If You were to ask Me how to handle this situation, I'd advise You receive the news openly w/a whole bunch of sympathy, empathy and compassion, but NOT for You but for Him, so He can continue on. Of course this will also be very beneficial for You while still in body and what happens after Your energy transfer a.k.a. "passing"...

There isn't enough room in Your heart for the 'non-positive'...

Tell Your Mom I typed "Hi; Guten Morgeng..."