The Impossible Scenario

Gosh I meet a lot of people. I have to make chit-chat every day for work. First impressions are everything!

I take in a lot of information. A lot more than I really want to in most cases. I am the fly on the wall. But sometimes I’m not; sometimes I’m part of the conversations people have.

Essentially, I’m drowned in a sea of passing faces and never felt more alone.

I never knew what I was missing until I had to confront it every day. In short, I’m talking about human interaction, and human companionship.

Pre-emptively, I wish to address those members whom insist that loneliness and alone-ness is the only way to be, for that is the way they strive. Fine, but surely it can be agreed not everyone strives in that kind of environment.

We all have different social and emotional needs, desires, etc.

If you thrive alone. Great. Godspeed! If you thrive among others, glorious! We all need to have a nurturance and fullness in our lives. Whatever works for you, okay? Mkay.

I was a very outgoing and social person growing up. I love group dynamics and my desire is for my cohort to have a sense of well-being and importance. I am a leader, an Aries. It’s in my stars.

When one of mine is feeling down or troubled, I feel it too. It is my aim to hold the good of the all.

I know the sage advice is not to depend on others to make you happy. But what if happiness comes from casting pebbles in the pond and the rebounding of waves. What if others are the mirror in which we see ourselves?

What if there is stillness, stagnation? The pond becomes a murk and the reflections are obscured.

I think it is human nature to look into this mirror, seeking the reflection that draws out our best image. Oh, it’s narcissism for sure, but a more acceptable form of it. We’re looking for that part of ourselves that shines in another.

I also think it’s such an impending human drive that the species would not continue without it. Damn, we pair off and have kids right out the gate. Within our first 20 years in most cases. Hell, it was even a bit younger in generations past.

And then we have still a lot of years, decades ahead of us.

And now 10 years have got behind you / No one told you when to run / You missed the starting gun

Indeed, it becomes too late in life to find companionship if you never had it before. It becomes too late to answer that call. Like the lone wolf that dies without finding a pack to take it in, so does the human heart of fire reduce to embers, desperately fanned over the years until there’s nothing to save.

So, why is it too late?

Well, you approach that age (insert your own ##’s) when you realize there aren’t others like you and there aren’t going to be.

There are singles, and there are single parents. There are divorced, and never-have-been-marrieds. There’s a lot of variety.

As the years pass, likelihood increases that one is passing through more milestones: serious relationship > marriage > kids > divorce etc.

With each signpost behind us, our focus becomes tighter, narrower, and our desire is more realized. We know better what we want and don’t want. And with fewer years to dawdle, let’s face it, we’re going to get pickier and pickier as there is less time and less patience for surprise chances.

At my age, people know what they want and don’t want in relationships. Foolishly, I’m still uncertain.

Open to everything, I will get nothing. By default, I’m stuck in desperation.

This is a vast desert.

I understand where you're coming from truly.
I'm an aging old lady now 57 and you would think that no-one could be lonely in this wonderful information age but alas I get that way especially now the children have gone (which I might add was like having my right arm cut off!) They visit they sometimes stay over, but I find myself being jealous of their lives to be honest. After divorcing 25yrs ago then a very nasty relationship with a Narcissistic Personality Disorder, I kinda gave up. Went through a stage of online dating but realised I was being desperate and gave that up pretty quickly.

People think I'm terribly happy and together but they dont' see me in the early hours of the morning alone

7billion people and I can't find one lol

a reply to: NarcolepticBuddha

This is a vast desert.

Just stay hydrated. Keep it up. It is right around the corner. The search can also be a fun part.

a reply to: PhyllidaDavenport


Touche!!....

Thats why we're all on here.

originally posted by: 3daysgone
a reply to: NarcolepticBuddha

This is a vast desert.

Just stay hydrated. Keep it up. It is right around the corner. The search can also be a fun part.

As the metaphor implies, there is nothing in a desert. It's all mirages and madness and it doesn't end, for I walk in circles.

You are speaking as someone with a compass and a canteen

This is exactly what I'm talking about. If you had it before, you'll have it again. If you never did, you never will.

Some of us are just damned.

a reply to: NarcolepticBuddha

We are always led to what we seek. Prioritize your response mechanism. Belief in yourself will allow belief in others.

originally posted by: NarcolepticBuddha
I know the sage advice is not to depend on others to make you happy. But what if happiness comes from casting pebbles in the pond and the rebounding of waves. What if others are the mirror in which we see ourselves?

What if there is stillness, stagnation? The pond becomes a murk and the reflections are obscured.

I think it is human nature to look into this mirror, seeking the reflection that draws out our best image. Oh, it’s narcissism for sure, but a more acceptable form of it. We’re looking for that part of ourselves that shines in another.

This. I've said this all along. No one is an island. People tell me, that if I am not happy alone I cannot be happy with another. To which my internal dialogue screams that we are not meant to be alone.

People say that they are not responsible for another persons happiness, but I believe that they can create it. In more ways that they even know. Sometimes a smile from a stranger can change someone entire day. How can people say that other people are not cause for another persons happiness.

We don't live alone on separate islands. We're basically a communal tribe, lost in a world full of separatism and technology.

the worst words you can ever hear from someone you love and care for are "I am not responsible for your happiness."

No... but you can surely be responsible for my sadness.

a reply to: badw0lf

Some people handle responsibility better than others. Some drop it altogether.

I love the "be happy alone beforehand" solution. If I were happy alone I wouldn't fuggin' be twisting my socks over trying to meet the right person

I've reverted back to my celibate form 8 months ago, and while I greatly appreciate the quiet in my life, I would like to find someone again of course. But I'm in no rush to do so and at 47, I'm thinking I'd better prepare myself to live the rest of my life alone as the day I will want to be with someone might be a bit far ahead.
And I don't live in any illusions seeing the condition I'm in; a sick arm that doesn't heal, and due to that, I can't work nor do much since my arm is broken and will need surgery again; I have insurance, but they give you the strict minimum to get by.

So almost on the verge of quasi beginning to be old, sick and poor. What are my chances? lol I'm sure C3PO would tell me.
Luckily, early in life I learned that to be able to live with others, you first have to be able to live with yourself, not feel depressed about it when or if it happens.
It can be boring at times but you know what?; everyone gets bored even when with others, so...

For now, I take care of my children, and do not socialize much as, as I said, I really appreciate the quiet in my life for now. And the cold sheets when I go to bed.

originally posted by: NarcolepticBuddha
a reply to: badw0lf

Some people handle responsibility better than others. Some drop it altogether.

I love the "be happy alone beforehand" solution. If I were happy alone I wouldn't fuggin' be twisting my socks over trying to meet the right person

Then stop worrying about it. It you really believe that you will never meet anyone follow these steps.

1 Stop worry about not meeting anyone, because now it is irrelevant to you because of your belief.
2 Keep working on step one until you have it down pat.

You will be amazed at the people that will be attracted to you because of your confidence level. Because hey, you don't give a f#$k anymore.

i just want to give the OP and anyone else feeling that way a big hug. it's one of the hardest feelings in the world to deal with and all you can do is go through it. i won't bother with all the advice you've heard a million times before, because sometimes you just have to sit with those feelings until you're ready to feel another way.

I've gone through all the stages-been divorced about 18 years; dated a little since but have decided that I enjoy my freedom to be and do as I want. I don't really get lonely and not to be sounding too selfish, I just don't want to be around an old man all the time. Twenty years of marriage and children and I like to be as I want. My health has given me some limitations too so I know no one needs to take on that.
I've seen too many people hanging on and desperately unhappy in their marriages. More and more oldsters just live together instead of marriage-it''s easier to separate when needed and that makes lots of sense to me.
Never tried internet dating and never will-I have witnessed the horrors of lonely women losing money to lying men and I am certainly not that desperate.
I think it comes down to being ok with yourself and knowing what makes you happy. There are alot of social opportunities if you need that in your life but finding that special love like when you were younger is a one in a million chance-I've never known anyone yet to find it later in life-some companionship but that was all they wanted or needed.

a reply to: NarcolepticBuddha

Bourbon ( Makers Mark or Bonded Beam ) is your friend mate ...

originally posted by: Timely
a reply to: NarcolepticBuddha

Bourbon ( Makers Mark or Bonded Beam ) is your friend mate ...

Yep. Gin for me. I'm not your mate, guy!