posted on Aug, 14 2017 @ 02:36 PM
Cauliflower I am not at all accepting of how I communicated with you through the last couple posts. My intentions don't matter when the way I said it
was so hurtful. I am sincerely sorry to you and I truly hope you won't leave the thread regardless of my ability to understand your posts. I am not
trying to be funny here, I am serious. I feel really bad about it, and you didn't deserve it. I don't want to make excuses, or try and clear my
responsibility. I would however like to just open up and share some things because I have been misunderstanding some things that have been going on.
I really was not prepared for any of this. I have lived a life that is far from stellar or note worthy. I started out fine but somewhere along the
path I went a wrong direction, that resulted in me hurting myself and especially the ones that loved me for a very long time. I have been and
sometimes still am a very needy, selfish, and egotistical man. I often think only of myself and not how my actions or words will effect others. I have
gone through life like a wrecking ball really, crushing and destroying things all around me. Those closest to me usually took the most damage, and
then I continued my arc and was on to the next target. That isn't to say that I was doing all of this on purpose, or intentionally but I did it all
just the same.
It has only been relatively recently that I have finally seen the damage I have done, and the life that I have lived. Even after getting sober I made
a ton of mistakes and continued to live selfishly, because while I wasn't killing myself I still didn't like, love, or respect myself. Without the
ability to care about ones own self, it is hard to care about others in a way that is significant. That doesn't mean I was some demon incapable of
doing good or healthy things. Those good and healthy things just didn't out weigh the bad I had done. When I finally saw how damaged I was, something
happened that allowed me to start to make repairs. I learned to forgive myself without shirking responsibility for my actions, I learned to love
myself without doing it at others expense (I hope) and respect myself by not killing my body daily.
This created a new world for me to live in. A world and a life and a perspective that I had gone 35 years with out. For the first time in my life I
not only cared whether I lived or died, I actually wanted to live in every possible way for as long as possible. I had discovered a love of just being
alive, and began to appreciate what a gift this experience really is. I am not trying to sway you reader or make you feel sorry, but just giving
At this relatively recent point I decided that I would make the best out of any kind of life that I had. I didn't need to fill it with gadgets or cars
or houses or game systems, drugs or alcohol. I would be grateful for every day that I got to wake up and see my children and wife once more. While I
had done a lot of damage to the people I love, most were still with me and willing to let me try. Things weren't perfect by any stretch of the
imagination, we were all adjusting but doing a pretty good job of it. Most of them were just happy I was alive and comforted by the fact that I would
most likely still be tomorrow.
So while I as able to love and like and respect myself, I still don't think all that highly of myself. I had lied, cheated, and stolen for most of my
life. I most certainly didn't think I would ever be worthy of any magic I didn't create. I mean I get to lay next to my 5 year old son and read him
stories every night, sleep next to him and feel him breathing, and wake up to him every day. That is all the magic I could ever ask for or expect,
because I really shouldn't even be alive by most accounts.
When I started this project after getting a hold of the book, I expected at most a bunch of stars and flags on ATS for bringing an original topic.
Once I started going I hoped to created a podcast and youtube channel in order to make a platform for getting exposure in order to hopefully make a
career out of writing or talking. I went through all the appropriate channels and contacts to get the permissions to do these things. I was excited
about it all, I finally found a way to combine my passions with my talents and skills and maybe even eventually make some money out of it! I mean who
wouldn't love that right? It is like the saying "you never work a day in your life if you love what you do", and I thought I had found the pass to the
stage. Shoot I will be honest, I believed in the book so much I was conspiring to make copies of it and distribute it electronically. Many of you here
got messages saying as much.
The night I was laying in bed thinking about the opening and closing poem, and a spark ignited in the believe I may be the pussy cat my brain almost
exploded. It was 1am and I jumped out of bed, put on shorts, a shirt, and shoes and started running. As hard and as long as I could. My adrenaline was
out of control, It was a physical feeling that is unmatched in anything I had experienced thus far in uniqueness. During his walk home I saw for the
first time in my entire life an event in the stars that I couldn't explain. I am not saying it was an UFO driven by Aliens or anything, it was a
phenomena I had never witnessed in 37 years of looking at the sky. This seemed to be connected as far as I could tell. I walk home excited but content
and went to bed.
The next morning I woke up and decided to make sure I had read every word that Gary Rowe had ever written online. I am not exactly sure why I decided
to do it that morning, but for what ever reason it did. I started on the blog where he spoke the most, re read a lot of comments and finally got to a
few I hadn't read before or had maybe just ignored. In any case I got to the spot where Gary was discussing his obsession with Chaldean Numerology and
quoted his calling card #7. I literally had a melt down, and I will explain why finally now.
What I am about to explain is probably a mistake on a public forum, for I am now giving you identifying marks on my own body on top of all the other
personal details I have shared over the last 10 years on this account, but we are all working together and I can only hope it won't bite me in the
end. So here are my fingers and toes crossed.
When I was in college 16 years ago, I lived in a small apartment complex that had about 10 units in my building. 1 particular upstairs apartment
housed 4 dudes who my room mate and I befriended and spent a lot of time drinking and hanging out with. On this particular evening I returned from a
party pretty smashed. I haven't been drunk in almost 8 years because when I did drink I wasn't very good at it. I drank till black out or I didn't
drink at all, there was no moderation or in between for me. Frankly most of life is like that for me actually. In any case I returned home this
particular evening to find that my friends upstairs had decided to brand themselves with hot pieces of metal. I was volunteered for the duty, and
while I didn't exactly want to get burned I wanted to be a part of the group. I woke up the next morning in tremendous pain with a 7 burnt into my
arm, and 3 hash marks on the inside of my bicep. When I asked these guys in the morning why we had 7's and hash marks burnt on our skin they were not
able to give me a sufficient reason.
I think I am at limit, continued...