Warning: Dark

a reply to: Kali74

Stay strong and never give up.

The mind is an incredible thing and miracles do happen.

I know your will, will will you through this.

Praying for you and your family.

Thanks for your post, Kali, as it gives me insight into what a family member of mine might be going through. So by sharing where you are right now, you have helped someone else!

2 months ago my brother-in-law was found to have grade 4 glioblastoma multiforme- a terrible and aggressive brain cancer. The swelling of his brain from the tumor got so bad that it shut down his vital systems one night, and he lost consciousness and stopped breathing.

After intibation and an emergency craniotomy, the neurosurgeon told us he could only get some of the tumor. He said my brother-in-law probably wouldn't even wake up.

He did, a week later, but with many issues. He can only see out of one eye, and the vision in that eye must be poor because he doesn't seem to have any depth perception. He can't walk, control his bathroom functions, or speak clearly.

After another craniotomy- we found a neurosurgeon who will operate on "inoperable" brain tumors- he is still coming out of the mist. The neurosurgeon removed a softball-sized tumor from his brain. That was three weeks ago. He still has the same deficiencies as when he came out of that first emergency craniotomy, but some things have improved. He does know who we all are, and he can speak when he tries, although he can be hard to understand. He can walk short distances with two people helping and a gait belt. But his balance is pretty bad so he can't do any large movement without help.

He still must have both chemo and radiation, because this cancer always comes back. As of yet, though, he isn't strong enough for that treatment.

We don't know what he's thinking about all of this. We don't know if he really even knows what has happened. Two months ago he was living a normal active life, went to the ER for severe headaches, and then woke up in ICU with some of his brain removed.

But when I talk to him I assume that he understands everything, and I tell him to be patient with himself and have faith that he can be restored to himself and to just keep fighting. Most days he seems down....it would be odd if he werent down, I guess.

Thank you for your post- it will help me when considering what my brother-in-law is going through. And no doubt you have helped many people who have family who are suffering from cancer. The more we see into the patient's mind, the better we can be there for them.

Keep up your good work! I will have you and your family in my prayers, Kali.

Thank you all, I really just needed a space I could be raw and real for a little bit. Four am on a conspiracy site seemed like a good choice.. haha.

I'm not giving up by any stretch, I just had to get that all out where my family can't see. Getting it out makes room for more will power, more strength and stamina. I woke up feeling a little lighter.

Thanks for the encouragement, prayers, kind thoughts and awesome goddess art. To those of you that shared your stories, I'm open to talking via PM because whether it's your own crisis or a crisis for someone you love, the burden is massive and you may find yourself in need of a sounding board too.

a reply to: Kali74

Even when the lights go out,
You will never stand there,
In the dark,
Where you go,
We go too,
Thousands of lights,
Shining from thousands of hearts.

Godspeed Kali74!

a reply to: Kali74

My heart goes out to you Kali.

You are doing the right thing by talking about it.

I had 6 months of chemo when I was a very young adult. Sometimes the meds and pain make anger so much worse - I would beat pillows, scream into them, write and draw my feelings, acknowledge the incredible suckage of what was happening and how anxious and terrified and rage-filled I was. It helped.

Anytime you need to, let it out just like you are and from my experience you will start to feel better emotionally, which can help physically too. The body heals better, ironically, when it isn't stressed.

Illness is a crucible, like so many painful experiences, it can forge in you greater strength and resiliency in the end. Sometimes,in my experience, it isn't about fighting, it's about absolutely letting go, letting the forge and fire take me and shape me and the things I cannot control as it will. That's always been where miracles slip in, at least for me.

I'm rooting for you and cheering you on. Sending light and healing vibes your way.

-AB

We are here whenever you need to let it out. Use us - we are willing and eager sounding boards.

I have no advice or words of wisdom, but I will hear whatever you need to say.

The only thing I would advise is to spend as much time in nature as you can. Sounds stupid, but hug a tree. Plant your bare feet in grass. Sit in a beautiful garden or by a natural stream. It will lift your spirits.

a reply to: kaylaluv

glad you posted Kali...you don't want to hold on to all that, venting here is good...keeping you in my prayers...jkeep us update...we are here for you

a reply to: Kali74

I can not imagine what you must go through. I know it must be difficult, but never loose hope kali74. As you mentioned on you post, sometimes miracles happening. I really hope you will receive the miracle you want to. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Peace

I'm with you, Kali. I get it on all the levels. I once read a short story where hope was used as a kind of torture. Anyone who's been on the medical merry-go-round gets this. Keep the faith. Better days ahead!

a reply to: Kali74

Good luck. I'm pulling for you!

Hey Kali, thank you for the rant.
The only way that I've managed to pull through grief and anger, is to find ways to express myself.
I play guitar every day, and you have your ability to express yourself in writing.

Please keep writing and ranting to us, when it becomes unbearable- know that us internet strangers are receiving the message in full.

Well, my friend...

You have suppressed repressed anger from seeing so much external stupidity as a reality that it manifested into your internal body.

Embrace that festering heap of nonsense as love instead of the hate that you brought in as an internal. Punching walls? Best kept to something productive.

You are not your "body" that internal dialog is not your speech just borrowed speech, kick it out sit in meditation and start with the root... that red mist or blood in your avatar inhale it until it turns inside out the inflows called "cancer" will return back to where it belongs.

Continue climbing the whirls see them as vortices's at your front and back the whirl above and the whirl below clearing and rectifying automatically.

The Black Tara or Kali is your rage at all of the purity of life born as a creator and has descended into the darkness to see "who put out that light".

Was it inside at one time? Inflows become outflows without proper rectification and clear seeing.

The eye does not need to label t can fall blankly in simply seeing as it is what it is and thus it is so. Hearing the whirling chaos is the ignorance chasing shadows that have no place to dwell.

Breathe universe in universe out and intent is the builder of the house known as kama/karma.

Leap off all of this as it is all just empty concept null and void ignorance from a mind echoing past ignorance, leap off into the future called formation and land directly in the present moment that neither arises nor passes away. That that arises is a ghost of the past that that flows is the river of consciousness... feeding the dead body floating there called an ego self is optional.

You're being this:



when you need to be this:

If you are suffering from cancer, I heard Coconut Oil is really good at fighting cancer.

originally posted by: Kali74
What can be said to all that? lol

The only thing that I can think of is this: Use us any time to vent. Hell, I know we are/have been adversarial on ATS, but I told you in your first post about this, you can PM me any damn time that you feel like venting. I've always been told that I'm a good listener, and I "suffer" from an overflow of empathy.

But by all means, use us as your outlet--hopefully it will help you heal. As you seem to well know, healing is not only physical, but also mental and emotional as well. Please do not hold anything back, because we all are hoping for the best for you, Kali.

I know that it's cliché and easier said than done, but keep fighting.

Much love and positive vibes your way.

Slap

For what it's worth, I can't relate to having cancer, but I can relate to living with a debilitating disease where your body constantly fights against you. Those days of trying to decide between a shower or the dishes because you don't have the energy to do both are no fun. It's especially bad after having a good period of time when it seems that you can physically accomplish anything.

BUT....

The fact that you wrote out a rant, no matter how dark, or how much effort it took, shows that you still have fight and that is by far the most important part of it all. You've more than earned the right to rant, to rest, to take time to build up energy, just don't give up the fight!

Kali,for you.



An artwork i made.

And a song:

a reply to: kaylaluv

Yes you are absolutely correct,the wilderness is unbelievably healing and empowering.

Just for the beautifulness.
From my country,Ringo Madlingozi:

a reply to: Kali74

Darn Kali that really sucks.

I want to give you a hug right now.

a reply to: Kali74

My dad was dad was diagnosed just over a year ago with stage 4 lung cancer (Mesothelioma). They gave him 3 to 6 months and he is still with us. Cancer is horrible it has taken this rock solid man I admired my entire life and reduced him to..... I really hope you putting that message out there gives you some sort of comfort and I pray every day for some miracle cure that I know is not going to come soon enough. He will turn 80 next Saturday.