This is why you should never take personal rejection personally

The following thread caused me to reevaluate my life a little.

The importance of a picture

That thread brought back memories of exactly what happened with the individual I discussed. I recalled that immediately after she met me she mentioned that she wanted me to invite her to my home for lunch. Over two years later she got me to agree to celebrate my birthday with her one on one at my home. When I canceled that, she set up a party for me where she personally paid for a very expensive cake. Following that, we walked alone together, and it was the only time when I felt like she really leveled with me about herself. What she admitted was a little shocking, different story for another time.

During the first two years that I knew her, she couldn't have been more perfectly friendly to me. She was supportive, encouraging, insightful, uplifting, caring, and basically everything you could want from a friend. She flirted with me out in the open in a very obvious way. I was stunned when she sat next to me at an organizational dinner and flirted with me in front of everyone when we were both married. During the time I worked with her, she tried to get me to attend several social gatherings where we could have been together, she tried to get me to become her friend on an online social site, she gave me a nice gift, she flirted with me several times, and she was generally outgoing toward me.

I ignored all of her signals because I was not in friend-making mode during the entire time I knew her. Over the course of the first two years, she was perfectly friendly to me. She was promoted to being my "boss" (she was actually a figurehead without much power) after those first two years, and at that point, she started betraying me. She betrayed a lot during the last two years I worked with her. Any possibility of us being friends was over when she started betraying me. I see all of that in a different way now. She may have betrayed me because she felt hurt by my rejection of her. I completely understand that now. For a man to reject friendship with a woman like her is quite an insult. It's especially insulting when you consider how she treated me during the first two years I knew her.

The point I'm trying to make is you should never take personal rejection personally. This woman couldn't have been better to me in the first two years I knew her. She couldn't have been nicer or friendlier. I haven't even mentioned the effect her looks or her personality had on me. Those things were overwhelming.

My rejection of her had nothing to do with her. Sometimes you can be perfect and get rejected based on things that are completely unrelated to you.

a reply to: Profusion

Well I like this profusion better than the non-stop anti-Trump one. I'll give you that.

You seem like a cool guy, hopefully you find peace

So apparently a nice and very attractive women, went out of her way in every sense to befriend you, or more, someone who you apparently were attracted to (you didn't state you weren't) and you just ignored her, for years?

And then proceed to make several threads about it, which I assume means you actually ignored her for no good reason and now regret it.

If thats the case, what is wrong with you.

originally posted by: MisterSpock
And then proceed to make several threads about it, which I assume means you actually ignored her for no good reason and now regret it.

This is only my second thread so far about this situation. I don't think it will go beyond that. I'm changing my life. I'm becoming more open to making friends, and recently I have made new friends.

This thread is not about me or my experiences. It's about the title of the thread...

This is why you should never take personal rejection personally

I'm posting my thoughts for posterity and to make conversation.

The woman I discussed in the original post added me as a friend two days ago in the private messaging program we both use. I sent her a message asking how she was. It's been over two days, and she hasn't replied. She didn't reply to the text message or the email I sent her a few days ago, but she added me as a friend. What does that mean? I think it means she thinks I have ulterior motives in contacting her. I think if I just wait then someday she'll reply. This time period of waiting for a reply is forcing me to rethink everything that happened between us. There's a lot more to it than what I've written here or I would ever write...even for safety reasons.

Umm....Is there a conspiracy here?

I hear that idea a lot- don't take things personally.

It just seems sort of meaningless to me?
I mean, I understand and know that what others do does not speak to me about my value or worth. Each of us has the right to our complex personalities and histories that form our behaviors and feelings, and always have more to do with our relationship to ourself, and how we have digested our past experiences.

But pragmatically..... simply speaking, all that wonderful compassion and understanding I have for all others is ultimately without much value.

Whether you think someones actions hurt your feelings or what, the real essential notion to me is what sort of challenges or obstacles did it pose me?

Say, a person that you keep making plans with, but then repeatedly doesn't show up-

I may totally get they have other problems they are dealing with at home, maybe even outside of their power to control. It could be totally "not their fault" and not at all a reflection upon their feelings for me.

But the choice for to make is the same whether that is the case or not. I will choose to stop seeing them, stop making plans with them, and probably not respond to their messages.

I have other things to do, I cannot afford to keep causing myself such problems and wastes of time and effort, I must eventually make this decision.

They might come to the false conclusion that I am feeling hurt and rejected ... if they wish to believe that. But it would most likely be one of those cases I say, poor thing, just not able to get over their problem and uphold relationships at this time. I feel for them. I'd like to be their friend, but I'll have to give it a pass and get on with other things. *shrug* no ore thought, no hurt feelings.

I think sometimes, people "take things personally" because in a twisted way, it feels good to do so. Believing the actions of the other is really all about their strong feelings for you makes you feel like you are more important and have more impact on the world. It has it's downside, of course, but I think, if you were to decide to change that habit, you'd have to consider the positive addictive side to it too....

originally posted by: phatkhat
Umm....Is there a conspiracy here?

There were many conspiracies involved. ETA: That's the biggest reason why I left. I realized the situation was beyond repair in many ways. I tried to change it within what I had the power to do, and I found it would be impossible.

originally posted by: Bluesma
I think sometimes, people "take things personally" because in a twisted way, it feels good to do so. Believing the actions of the other is really all about their strong feelings for you makes you feel like you are more important and have more impact on the world. It has it's downside, of course, but I think, if you were to decide to change that habit, you'd have to consider the positive addictive side to it too....

If someone is personally rejected, how could they not think it was because they caused it? I think it's completely unnatural to think differently. Inductive logic leads one to that conclusion almost all the time, doesn't it?

originally posted by: Profusion

If someone is personally rejected, how could they not think it was because they caused it? I think it's completely unnatural to think differently. Inductive logic leads one to that conclusion almost all the time, doesn't it?

No, I don't think so!

Look at your own situation - did your rejection of this woman in the past have anything to do with who she is, how she is, or something she did? Or was it really just because of your own stuff that had little to with her?

It sounded like you were saying it didn't. She would have been mistaken to assume it did.

There is a difference though, between acknowledging your responsibility in events, and assuming the others feelings about them. She may have decided not to pursue a friendship with you based upon some of your actions, but that does not systematically mean she felt hurt. She might have been AWARE you had other issues of your own that had nothing to do with her, and didn't feel personally targetted at all. I don't know, I am just saying, the assumption she did feel hurt personally... pragmatically speaking, what does that change for you? What is the benefit in choosing to believe that?

I don't know, I tend to be highly aware at all times that peoples actions say more about them than me. Whether it be positive or negative (for example, a compliment or a criticism ; admiration or rejection...) it is usually more about their own personal background, worldview, and self image than me.

a reply to: Bluesma

I think the first several minutes in the video below provides an excellent illustration of what we're discussing. Was the first man rejected because of who he is or was he rejected because anyone who looks like him would be rejected? Was the second man accepted because of who he is or was he accepted because anyone who looks like him would be accepted?

In my opinion, if the first man was a billionaire and the second man was dying from an incurable disease, the reactions of the women would have been completely different.

So, why were these men rejected or accepted? Is it really as clear as you're implying? Was it who they are or not?

This may be a paradox.


www.youtube.com...

a reply to: Profusion

Your OP really comes across as lacking any awareness if the feelings of the woman you are discussing while being intensely over analytical of the situation.

It also appears that you have not managed to stop taking this whole issue way, way too seriously and personally yourself.

Its all just you, you, you from you own writings. I'd be shocked if you are ready to see this.


I dont think you should be offering relationship advice at present and instead should work on understanding and actually genuinely caring about those who you target for your temporary obsessions.

Don't take this personally but I reject your crazy relationship threads and hope you never ever meet my daughter.

Chances are you won't because she leaves the house a fair bit and goes outside.

originally posted by: skalla
a reply to: Profusion

Your OP really comes across as lacking any awareness if the feelings of the woman you are discussing while being intensely over analytical of the situation.

It also appears that you have not managed to stop taking this whole issue way, way too seriously and personally yourself.

Its all just you, you, you from you own writings. I'd be shocked if you are ready to see this.


I dont think you should be offering relationship advice at present and instead should work on understanding and actually genuinely caring about those who you target for your temporary obsessions.

How am I supposed to tell a story about how I rejected someone for no reason without sounding the way you just accused me of sounding? How could I give any information about their side of the story when I never got to know them well enough to know about their side of the story?

I've made two friends on this forum, and both of them have thanked me for being the opposite of how you just described me. Wouldn't you kind of expect that difference when you're comparing a friendship to a situation where a person just shut someone else out without ever giving them a chance?

a reply to: Profusion

It is ridiculous that all of the stuff you descibe happened over the period that you stated and you were unable to empathise with her feelings. Especially given the rubbish you said about autistic elsewhere, the irony! Get some self awareness, you seem to treat these peope who pass through your life as if they have no feelings judging from what you have written.

I stand by what i said.

originally posted by: skalla
a reply to: Profusion

It is ridiculous that all of the stuff you descibe happened over the period that you stated and you were unable to empathise with her feelings. Especially given the rubbish you said about autistic elsewhere, the irony! Get some self awareness, you seem to treat these peope who pass through your life as if they have no feelings judging from what you have written.

I stand by what i said.

I had a good relationship with her until the last time I saw her. We're still "friends" to this day on that instant messaging program I mentioned. I still don't know what that means yet.

"Especially given the rubbish you said about autistic elsewhere, the irony!"

I don't recall writing anything about autistic people on this forum before. Could you give me a link?

I made a mistake by not pursuing a friendship with her in the first two years we knew each other. There's no doubt about that. The way she treated me in the last two years I worked with her was different, but we were still friendly to the end. She doesn't appear to be upset with me when she got me a job about two years ago, she tried to help me get a job a while after that, and she allowed me to add her to my friend list a few days ago.

Did I empathize with her when I knew her? Without any doubt. We were quite friendly with each other. I was very nice to her, you have no idea. I always tried to chat with her when I saw her. I just didn't make friends with her. That's a personal choice that has nothing to do with empathy. Buddhist monks who choose a life of solitude should not be accused of a lack of empathy for their choice to live the way they do. I see no connection between such lifestyle choices and empathy.

a reply to: Profusion

Regarding your comments on autism, its in another thread of yours i replied to earlier today, we can discuss it there if you like.

I honestly feel from what you have written ( and its all i have to go on) that you dont understand how little you regard the feelings of people you seem to demand understanding or loyalty from. Its all totally backwards and you'll only find satisfaction in a relationship when you work this out. Best of luck

originally posted by: skalla
a reply to: Profusion

Regarding your comments on autism, its in another thread of yours i replied to earlier today, we can discuss it there if you like.

This is the supposed "comment on autism" that you're referring to:

originally posted by: Profusion
a reply to: BigBrotherDarkness

Sapiophiles are attracted to intelligence, but talent can occur independently of intelligence. Consider idiot savants for example.

SOURCE

There is not necessarily any link between being an idiot savant and being autistic.

idiot savant

a mentally defective person with an exceptional skill or talent in a special field, as a highly developed ability to play music or to solve complex mathematical problems mentally at great speed.

SOURCE

You're accusing me of making "comments on autism" when I mentioned idiot savants?

Oh well,chances are slim that it will happen again,but the truth be told"hell hath no fury as a women scorned" rings very true,,one of the pitfalls of being a guy ,no matter circumstances you'll look bad,if things turned around would say guy tried to hard,such is life

a reply to: Profusion

How can you say this thread is not about you? It's totally about you and this is only showing your lack of awareness, and no offense, but you are lacking a lot more than awareness. Profusion you need to take a break and just focus on yourself brother. Just because she accepted your friend request, it doesnt mean anything and the fact she hasn't replied in 2 days should tell you that, but you are still trying to figure out why? You are over analyzing everything and it's only making you more confused.

This will be my last involvement in your relationship threads, so again; my advice is just focus on yourself, becuase when you find yourself, the right things will find you.

Peace.

originally posted by: knowledgehunter0986
This will be my last involvement in your relationship threads

www.youtube.com...

originally posted by: Profusion
My rejection of her had nothing to do with her. Sometimes you can be perfect and get rejected based on things that are completely unrelated to you.

does she know that? did you tell her that? perhaps part of the reason she is so insulted is because she does not know your reasons since you havnt shared them with her, if you and her both could easily tell she was making advances and you were set on refuting them you should have communicated with her, leveled with her, told her why. so she would know.

perhaps the lesson you ought to have learned is to communicate better.

originally posted by: Profusion
If someone is personally rejected, how could they not think it was because they caused it?

because via communication they were informed by the rejector his reasons, that is how...