I want to share something with the wise ATS as I could not figure it out myself. Maybe this will be very awakening experience for me; and for some
others who possibly going thru the same. I talked about this even with my mom, including three doctors. No solution yet.
I have been feeling very GRAY. Like the color. The reason is I can not have fun or get the fun from the stuff I usually do to both work & entertain
myself (like being a musician and working for myself. Both playing and knowing the outcome hopefully will be good gives you a good feeling combined
with joy you know?)
I am 29. Here are the stuff I believe I achieved (I did not do it for the recognition or out of "hey look what I am capable of!" kind of thoughts.
Everything I learned or experienced usually for my own well-being and to gain knowledge as I am a fan of learning stuff. As a last note, I do not
choose to do something usually if I am not go for the best possible experience or knowledge for it so I give really good effort if I am into
So, here are some examples that what I can do to enjoy life but I can not anymore! It is so interesting as all of them is something someone would love
to do and usually they end up in a career in one of those topics.
Please read the bullets below knowing that I do not force myself or feed my brain the "I must enjoy this, I must entertain myself!" kind of
- I thought english , playing guitar, music production, theatre to people when I had free time and it gave me quick cash If I charged some. Some
volunteered. I have a legit teaching licence from London as a backup plan if I F up my plans as an artist. NO JOY.
- Have been windsurfing since 14. Can do flips jumps and stuff. Now I have a knee problem and also the whole act got really difficult as the prices
are skyhigh. NO JOY from this as well.
- I was a successfull businessman - marketer and have a good career in marketing. This was a backup plan as well. I was head of marketing in the end
and managed to move away without harming my name in the business as everyone knows you and can talk behind you in any way. NO JOY as I decided to stop
as my intention was with art since baby times.
- I dont go out with friends anymore as I believe many of them have their own agenda and I really can't stand people usually. I only have 2 or 3 real
friends which is a standart number I believe and I am happy with that. Sometimes I go out to smoosh with ladies once in a month lol. Again; NO JOY.
- I can not watch movies, I get distracted so easly lately and I just put some Graham Hancock and go to bed and I can not enjoy that even. Just I dont
like sitting doing nothing even when I am lying down so I want to learn new stuff as I mentioned before.
- I like finding new music and listen to them. Still, do not enjoy it, but i like it (Weird I know).
- I like building stuff, electronic and non-tech to improve my home. Even sometimes a friend calls me for help so I help them. I enjoy that but while
doing this "what am I doing right now... Okay I am building a new light for the back of my bathroom mirror but, I won't admire and enjoy that after I
build this? I know its going to be very nice looking but, so..." And I usually change my mind even before starting that project.
- I can not play computer games anymore. I used to write reviews since 2004 and I was a guest on live tv for 2 episodes of a game show. Like I told
you, everything I did I put my 100 effort and I was serious, still serious. I only play 1 starcraft game once a month which is approx 20 minutes. I
get up from the chair saying "oh nice this is finished.. God it was intense."
- I gone thru several critical life threatening stuff like being held up, even got kidnapped and escaped from the car which my knee is the result btw.
Feel so tired.
- I have a chance for many businesses without investing. I just don't go after them as I say "meeh." you know? Not exciting.
- I played my part in sexual intercourse as well and even it got boring!!! I can not believe I am saying this but it is! She must be a huge "omg I
really want her" kind of thing for me to feel something and make a move. I say to myself "A bottle of whiskey and playing guitar for half hour is
better" and stay home usually.
- I have a bicycle and its nice to go around with it but still, boring in my case. NO JOY.
- I am an aquarist as well, I have a marine aquarium and a freshwater aquarium since years. the only thing I get my life vitamins from; cleaning and
- I have a record deal as a musician; not very interested in finishing lately as I really really know its because I don't have a deadline. I hardly
sit down and record. Plus I do not like my own stuff nowadays so I am giving myself time to come up with a good nice sound that I would love to play
live for years.
Many more stuff. I wanted to give the details as I know some of you would say "Why dont you start painting and enjoy the nature? Go out have a
picnic!" I did my friend. I did.
So; here is what doctors said:
"I really do not know!"
Mom noticed when I was sitting with her and asked out of the blue:
Mom: Are you happy? Do you need anything? Do you need anything?
Me: Yes. I have everything I want. I need absolutely nothing. I am just tired and nothing really amazes me.
Mom: What would amaze you?
Me: Having a go-kart race in my own property with my friends or people drinking and partying with loud music and naked girls swimming in pool. Seeing
everyone having a great time. And possibly some sexual time after that.
Her reaction was interesting. She said
-Really? This is what you came down to in the end after all of those? Like, this is it?
And she laughed in a humorous way.
So nowadays only things I am doing;
-Eating good taste food; cooking them.
-Watching my fishes.
-Reading news, ATS.
-Criticize people in my own mind, A LOT (and this is disturbing)
-See a friend or two once a week when I really get bored.
-Clean the house
-Listen to music and drink and just sit there with headphones.
-Drink coffee and choose specific beans from stores and try them.
-Chat with my people over whatsapp
I had depression in the past so I know how it feels like but this feels not like a depression. I know every depression is different but this is not
And for heaven's sake please know that I am not a brat or bragging about my abilities etc. I had to write how colorful I am actually. But only color I
see is Gray..
edit on 19-3-2017 by belkide because: (no reason given)