What's Your "Parenting Style".

originally posted by: Sillyolme

originally posted by: IAMTAT
a reply to: AugustusMasonicus

Good strategy.
I prefer the 'creepy naked man in a hockey mask, holding a machete' approach for dealing with those damned neighbor kids on my lawn.

My AHole brother in law actually scared my second with a cleaver when the kid was four. He thought he was being funny but he really scared the kid. No hockey mask just a crazy maniacal look on his face.oh and he had clothes on.
What gets into men?

Nothing says "GET OFF MY LAWN" like a hockey mask and a machete (Chainsaws also work great).

a reply to: Atsbhct

My boy is eleven, has Aspergers and ADHD, and lives with his mother and her husband. He is barmy as can be, and I love him dearly. However, sometimes he gets out of control.

For example, he went to a garden party at his aunts place during summer. I should point out before continuing, that his aunt and her children, are utter scum. His cousin has been known to stab things, including flat screen televisions, with carving knives from the kitchen, deliberately and in full knowledge of what he has done. He is eight. His mother thinks nothing of this what so ever, or any of the awful things that boy has done to other kids. Anyway, my lad ended up round at his cousins place (despite my telling him never to go there again, for any reason, and ESPECIALLY not in order to play GTA5, from which he is banned until he reaches the age printed on the box) at this garden party, and there was a trampoline.

It was the sort which features a net around the outside to keep out of control youngsters from bouncing clear off the trampoline and breaking their necks in the resulting fall. Now, he decided that he would get onto the trampoline, with his cousin and seven of his friends, all right around his cousins age (all basically in a little mini gang together, and all little criminals in training the lot of them). So everyone is bouncing around on this trampoline. Now, my lad is eleven, but that gives you no idea of his size. He weighs probably right around what I do, and is up to my cheekbones in height already. He is a tank of a child. Someone caught his arm with an elbow, and evidently my lad was in no mood for human contact, because he wiped these kids out. I mean he knocked them all out, and he had his cousin up by his throat, one handed against the netting around the trampoline. Now, its not common in the least for my boy to flip that way, and I was not there to reprimand him.

When I saw him at the end of the week, I was going to take him out, do some really fun things. I had planned a visit to town, a big stroll out and about and a bit of a blast into the arcades to play games and have fun. Not only did we stay in, but I utterly prevented him from having any fun. I took away his mobile, I hogged the Playstation, and made him sit and read quietly during the whole of his visit, as well as having a massive go at him right at the start of the days proceedings. He did not get any bloody pudding either.

But when he has been kind to his siblings at home, treated his mother with respect, and been a good lad, he is rewarded. He gets treats, he gets privileges, he gets respect. Because he respects me, he values that respect a great deal. The mutuality of the experience promotes his good behaviour, and makes bad behaviour less tempting.

I have three kids: Girl 12, & Boys 9, 6. Honestly I don't have time for a "parenting style". We are so busy with school, sports, and work, we just try to get through the day in one piece. They are all still alive so we must be doing something right.

Seriously, we try to teach good manners, responsibility, patience, etc.. Overall, our kids are pretty good. They do well with school work, very good athletes, pretty social (lots of friends), but are a bit spoiled. We try to do our best to not give them all these things but then the grandparents do what grandparents do. I really don't mind them getting things they want from time to time as long as they appreciate it. That's the hard part.

Alas, things are not all roses and there is always going to be fights, especially between the boys. I try to deal with it in a calm manner but there are quite a few days when I blow my lid and have to scream and shout to get their attention. I also take things away from them for a number of days as punishment like tablets and video games.

All in all, my wife and I love them dearly and they love us. We spend time together. We help with homework and projects. We take them to local zoos, parks, museums. We travel with them to new places. Are we perfect parents? Not at all and I don't believe anyone is. We just do the best we can and try to do what we think is right to raise a decent human being.

However, there are evenings when I look like this:

a reply to: jtrenthacker

bwhahahaha

great pic

a reply to: TrueBrit

I worked at a university as an Adaptive Technology Coordinator. Essentially, I helped students with disabilities (mental or physical) use technology to help them with school. During my time there I got to meet several students with Asbergers. This was my first experience with a number of disabilities and I must say, I found those with Asbergers the most interesting. Most of them just wanted someone to talk to as they had few friends, so once I gained their trust, they would often stop by just to chat. Very intelligent but I would also have to learn what things would "set them off".

One boy would read dozens of books in a week. This was on top of all of the reading he would have from his courses. He would just pick a subject he found interest in, and then go to used book store and buy everything they had on the subject. Part of my job was to convert student's textbooks to electronic files (usually PDFs) so that they could be used with our text reading software the school provided. So he would come by almost every Monday with a stack of 10-12 books. One week it was the mafia. The next it was Theodore Roosevelt. After that, it was the Roman Empire. He trusted me so much that he wanted me to help him find a girlfriend with Asberegers as well. Obviously, I was not in the position to play matchmaker, but I did try to give him some tips on being a little more social and meeting people.

I miss that job.

a reply to: Atsbhct

Congrats!!
I am a father of 4 kiddos. My advice is be flexible and available.

Expectations are nice, make them realistic and practical. We promised that our kids would never eat french fries with all that high fructose corn syrup ketchup. Now I'm thinking of getting my daughter a shirt that says I put ketchup on my ketchup. You will win some and loose some just don't loose their trust.

Don't discipline when your angry. They will make the same faces you make when they get angry, they seem to absorb the worst parts of our behaviors.

Communicate often with your spouse about concerns and successes in your child's development. Fights over the kids affect the kids more than you think.

Expectations again, Don't set the bar too high for you spouse. He or she will always need help. Men don't assume she's okay, ask. Moms tend to think they need to be super mom right away. Moms don't yell at dad for doing something that he is not familiar with, dads have a fragile egos. Be a good team.

Be willing to think outside of your own childhood experiences paradigm. He is not you and not a tool of redemption or justification, don't give him any of your baggage.

And most importantly ask for help. Us experianced parents make it look easy, but we all felt the same way you do, we still have no idea what's going on. We feel like we fail our kids, we project our fears on them we let them eat French Fries.

It's not and will never be a very tidy process, black and white, it's quite messy. Stays away from anyone who pretends they got it figured out.

Have fun.

a reply to: Atsbhct

Be the example you want your child to be. Promote/instill love, honesty, integrity, a work ethic, discipline.

Or just let carnies raise your young.

It worked out great for me!

originally posted by: DBCowboy
Or just let carnies raise your young.

Smell like cabbage. Small hands.

originally posted by: AugustusMasonicus

originally posted by: DBCowboy
Or just let carnies raise your young.

Smell like cabbage. Small hands.

Actually used that as a pick-up line for a while.

But then I got out of prison.

a reply to: TrueBrit

Truebrit my friend, quick question.

Being that you're truly English was that actually bloody pudding you wouldn't give him or just f#ck#ng pudding?

These are details I remember from your post

I started off with a type of parenting that was popular at the time I had my first child - basically just going with the flow a lot. I fairly quickly came to appreciate the french style and adapted to that.

Basically, kids need structure and consistancy. Even early on, being able to have predictable routines and reactions from you are what they need to develop a secure base. My daughter has a child that is 18 months old, and she started working on routines when he was a newborn- like at bed time, a bath right before bed every night. Even when they were somewhere else at that time, they'd find a way to give him that bath at the same hour each day.

I have seen this sort of thing has been really really succesful. (I didn't start that young).

Another difference I found with the french is the idea of being very insistant upon correct social behavior. Not just saying "please" and"thank you", but much more complicated interactions as well. No two year old is allowed to act shy when being introduced to adults for the first time, they are firmly taught the appropriate greetings and are expected to use them.

I thought it seemed a bit overbearing - geez, if the child is feeling shy, is that a reason to punish them??
BUT what I see now is that having the social rules so well ingrained gives them a real freedom later. That sounds contradictory.... but they don't need to think much about how to handle exchanges, and that frees up their mind for other activities ...makes them less self conscious?

They also don't play "friend" with their kid. They figure kids need and want an adult authority figure, and I agree with that.

But you'll do what feels right to you, as we all do, ultimately. We reap the fruit at adolescence and see the little things we wish we'd done differently. But no one is perfect.

Congrats on your baby!

I treat my kids like adults.

Of course, now that they are both adults it works great. When they were kids, though, what it did was give them a strong sense of accountability and responsibility (i accept no excuses from anyone), a broad vocabulary, and a solid set of problem solving skills.

a reply to: Bluntone22

I noticed that finger too.

I was wondering how she put up with all that disrespect already!

I like to use a lot of positive reinforcement. That means praising the good stuff when he does it so that hopefully he avoids doing the bad stuff because he likes getting the praise. We did use spanking for things that constituted danger to life and limb (running out in the parking lot) or abusing others (hitting the pets, hitting his classmates at pre-school as a last resort), but we've probably had to swat him less than five times all told.

Right now, he has a chore board that reinforces a mix of simple chores and social behaviors like no whining and showing respect (he's kindergarten) and we ground him from TV. This year has been tough because he has a developmental delay in his fine motor coupled with being extremely bright to gifted, so he has developed a whole host of avoidance behaviors. It's like I take Dr. Jekyll to school and he morphs into Mr. Hyde in the classroom. I've seen him do it at OT.

We have made him pay for things he has broken with his own allowance money once or twice to teach hiim why he should be careful and the sorts of choices his carelessness forces on us. That worked well.

Since he is convinced he is smarter than we are, we also look for opportunities to let him mess up but good just to show him that he really doesn't know as much as he thinks he does yet. But those opportunities are few and far in between. They work when we can find them though.

originally posted by: bigfatfurrytexan

I treat my kids like adults.

Of course, now that they are both adults it works great. When they were kids, though, what it did was give them a strong sense of accountability and responsibility (i accept no excuses from anyone), a broad vocabulary, and a solid set of problem solving skills.

That is the Kinky Friedman method of handling relationships, treat children like adults and adults like children.

Smart man.

a reply to: ketsuko

Ha! I forgot.

I think my favorite thing we did was teach "hands on the car."

Husband and I figured in the parking lot that if he always had a hand on the car when he was little that he would be close enough to it to be relatively safe. Any car coming close enough to hit him was likely going to hit the car too. So we taught him "hands on the car" when we were close to it so we could worry less about him running all over the lot.

It sounded (and looked) a bit like we were teaching him for future entanglements with law enforcement, but it worked very well until he got old enough to start learning how to watch for traffic on his own.

a reply to: AugustusMasonicus

While I like Kinky Friedman, i'd never heard this.

Shoulda wrote him in on this last ticket, actually.

But he's right. You have to treat adults like children, or they will do backflips trying to make excuses for their failure. Nail em' down hard in the beginning so there is no wiggle room.

WHich is akin to my litmus test for manager: when I don't have to speak to someone like a child to keep them from screwing up on purpose then blaming ignorance, that person is management material. They are an "it getter".

originally posted by: bigfatfurrytexan
While I like Kinky Friedman, i'd never heard this.

He uses that quote in a bunch of his books.

WHich is akin to my litmus test for manager: when I don't have to speak to someone like a child to keep them from screwing up on purpose then blaming ignorance, that person is management material. They are an "it getter".

Solid approach and similar to what I tell the new hirers, if I'm talking to you regularly there is a problem.

It would be awesome if ALL managers were like that, lol.

originally posted by: AugustusMasonicus

originally posted by: bigfatfurrytexan

I treat my kids like adults.

Of course, now that they are both adults it works great. When they were kids, though, what it did was give them a strong sense of accountability and responsibility (i accept no excuses from anyone), a broad vocabulary, and a solid set of problem solving skills.

That is the Kinky Friedman method of handling relationships, treat children like adults and adults like children.

Smart man.

I can't agree with treating adults like children, because that is playing the I am the parent and you are the child mind game, and that is disrespectful. However, I must agree in raising children to learn to accept and handle responsibility and accountability, but not at a level of someone that has life's experience (adult), just a little at a time, and what is appropriate for their age.

originally posted by: InTheLight
I can't agree with treating adults like children, because that is playing the I am the parent and you are the child mind game, and that is disrespectful.

It is not to be taken as a literal style of management but a figurative one as I explained in my reply to BFFT.