1st Christmas Without my Big Brother

It's been turbulent times since Thanksgiving, as some of you already know. Thanksgiving Day and for a week after that myself and family were in various Critical Care hospital rooms with my older brother.. and sadly this is the first Christmas without him..

We just had his service on Thursday (12/22), and it was so incredibly painful and "real", but I was surprised at how composed I was in getting through it, and the little bit of peace that came after the service. I was even able to write and speak at the service, something I wasn't sure I would be able to do. They also did a live-feed of the service and it currently has just shy of 7,000 views, which is pretty incredible.

But Christmas Eve and Day brought back the same raw pain and ultimate devastation.

My birthday will be here mid-January as well, and it being the first birthday in 27 years he isn't around, it will also be somber and a difficult time.

It's also taken a toll on friendships, and my romantic "significant other", who proposes we take a break so I can focus on family.

I realize some of the people I thought were the most important to me don't even have the decency to ask how I'm doing or respond to me when I try to make plans. My best friend since middle school (16-17 years now) is bipolar and we've butted heads in the past, but I've reached out to him multiple times trying to see him and now I've given up.

Since my brother's funeral, only one single friend checked to see how I was doing (my partner attended the service with family and has been very supportive).

My family has been pretty incredible.. but I'm so scared my memories of him will fade and I won't cherish our brotherly bond as much as these distinct memories fade... I'm scared to death about it.

But I also think about how fear-stricken I was early in the week as we got closer and closer to the funeral - the day before I was literally freaking out, I couldn't believe the clock kept ticking by. I just wanted to stop time, and not have it come to pass. But I did get a lot out of the service and so did hundreds (thousands I guess) of other people.

I know grief is one of the most difficult life experiences we have to deal with. I guess it is a blessing in disguise that this whole experience is revealing to me which relationships are worth my energy and who is just dragging me down. However, it's extremely painful, because not only have I lost my idol and big brother, but now I'm realizing I'm losing many other people as well.

I know this isn't exactly an organized train of thought and my writing is jumping around a lot.. I apologize if it's tough to follow. I just felt compelled to write something and have some sort of conversation with my ATS circle.

I hope others were able to enjoy this holiday and we can ring in 2017 on a positive note, with good times to be had ahead.

Love to you all.

Lost my brother many years ago I still miss the bugger and still feel the pain.
Nowt like brotherly love remember the good times.
The older we get we lose more folk....Its a bugger .

a reply to: FamCore

I'm sorry for your loss. I know how you're feeling.

Much Peace to You and Your Family, all the Best to You in 2017

Im so sorry. There will always be a empty spot in your life. I know this from my own loss of my mother not long ago. Chin up. Stay strong my friend. God bless

I felt your every word. The world has changed forever and nothing will ever feel the same. Please know there are many of us who do not know what to say or do for a dear friend as deeply lost and in pain as you are right now. Some things we just have to live through it the best we can.
I have been where you are and am deeply sorry you are having to go through this-as they say and it is true-only the passage of time will ease the pain.
Hang in there-try to find some beauty and cry and scream if it helps- taking one step at a time-be fearless-it will start to get better a tiny bit at a time.

Thinking of you in this hard time.

a reply to: FamCore

I'm sorry for your loss. I have been spared the pain of losing someone so close, but this past year in particular I have had many experiences that validate something I'd heard my whole life, but never could grasp: friends come and go, but family is forever. It's all that matters.

a reply to: FamCore

I'm very sorry for your loss. I wish you peace of mind.

a reply to: FamCore

No way to spend Christmas. I hope your 2017 is a better prospect

I know grief is one of the most difficult life experiences we have to deal with. I guess it is a blessing in disguise that this whole experience is revealing to me which relationships are worth my energy and who is just dragging me down. However, it's extremely painful, because not only have I lost my idol and big brother, but now I'm realizing I'm losing many other people as well.

People seem like assholes in the aftermath of a death. It's like some don't give a crap and others act like they're the only people who ever really cared. You look around and friends are acting like f*** all has changed when they should look upset. The roads are suddenly full of jackasses who can't drive and relatives and friends are expecting trivial crap when none of that really matters. TV's worse than ever.

^^^Most of that is the grief talking. Try not to get angry at people or judge them harshly. Give it time and it works out.

(no smilies seem appropriate here)