Well. That's that.

a reply to: ksiezyc

It's actually pretty easy to hate your own gender when you're the victim of an overt cold hearted selfishness that reeks of not being such an uncommon trait....

a reply to: Rubicon3
Except it is a relatively uncommon trait and the person I replied to is not a victim. For that matter, if you are the victim why would you hate your own gender? There's no logical sense in that.

Simply put, there are too many scenarios that could be playing out here to jump to a single conclusion.

However, the fact you jumped to the conclusion you did seems to either point to untold (on ATS) history, or some underlying, perhaps subconscious, "escape route" of your own. A bit of a red flag itself.

There is obviously a conversation that needs to happen.

I don't have much time to write, it is five AM and I have to get ready to leave.... I understand what most people had to say.

I had texted him right away- he was unable to talk on the phone because he was working- he at first thought the email must have come from his work, who misunderstood. He told me to call the hotel. I told him the email came from the hotel itself, so they apparently thought he reserved for two.

The deal with our plans for tonight and Thursday night were different... I am coming back Friday night, and he had told me he would be leaving again Saturday until Wednesday. I go to school during the week, so there is no chance he was planning on surprising me (which is actually what I thought at first).

I haven't been able to talk to him yet. He has never cheated, as far as I know, and frankly it seems out of character. But then....how many people said that and found they were wrong??

I don't hate him or anything- we've been together 26 years. I can't hate him. But I imagine that if a really good looking woman really came on to him, he might have a hard time saying no. He recently lost a ton of weight, which did make me wonder a tiny bit. He started dressing up more than usual. And our sex life has been less fervent than usual, but I figured it was my fault- I am back in school at the moment, and after a day of doing rigorous math and stuff, I just don't have much energy for that.

Maybe you'd hear him explain that he was starving for affection or something?
He went back to school in our 30's and I didn't see him hardly at all for a year, and I remember how hard it was for me.

Anyway, yeah, if it is happening, I am trying to get a jump start and figure out how I am going to live alone. I'm in a foriegn country, I don't have family here, and it might be hard. I feel like if it is possible I need to put thought into survival as soon as possible.

But I think I am still in shock. I feel numb and strange. Thanks for those who sent such kind words of comfort and support.

I didnt read all of the replies, but so far Im surprised nobody has suggested trying to work through it.

There's a list a mile long for why people cheat, and not all of them are complete disqualifications to continuing the relationship...

a reply to: Bluesma


Wow um, this is an important time for you to be mindful and get your head on straight.

a reply to: Bluesma


Wow um, this is an important time for you to be mindful and get your head on straight.

I hope you work things out that are the best for both of you when the dust is settled.

I will say this, I have often paid for employee rooms on my card and in the past at conferences at times I was placed in a joint share room with someone I didn't even know. So it may not be that big an issue.

I wish you the very best, and trust that once you have had a chance to talk you will both find the right place.

a reply to: Bluesma

While I truly, as much as those here who think allegory is the way to go and hate plays a part, I truly DONT wish anything bad for you, but I must be honest with you as I will with all people irrespective of the consequences, if you were my wife and I knew you were airing some dirty laundry (ie., personal business) to complete strangers I would definitely be less than pleased.

originally posted by: JRedBeard
I didnt read all of the replies, but so far Im surprised nobody has suggested trying to work through it.

There's a list a mile long for why people cheat, and not all of them are complete disqualifications to continuing the relationship...

Eh, no.

Cheat on me for whatever reason and thats it. Finished

You have never been in love in a long-term relationship or you can deal with the crushing pain of being cheated on.

I could never stay with a cheating partner. Never.
Do it once (which is enough anyway) do it again...

originally posted by: alphabetaone
a reply to: Bluesma

While I truly, as much as those here who think allegory is the way to go and hate plays a part, I truly DONT wish anything bad for you, but I must be honest with you as I will with all people irrespective of the consequences, if you were my wife and I knew you were airing some dirty laundry (ie., personal business) to complete strangers I would definitely be less than pleased.

I can appreciate that sentiment. On the other hand, we have talked a lot about this - and we both agree that we respect each others need to talk to others when we're worried or upset. He can get good advice from his female friends when he needs to vent about me. If I talk to anyone around here where we live, it will start a wild fire of gossip immediately. This is a small town. Doing it here is actually safer forus. And I appreciate the wide range of advise and perceptions I can get on this forum.

He has followed my posts here, and seen how open I am, even about our relationship. He is aware.

a reply to: Bluesma

(HUGS)

I have stayed alone in a hotel and the room available was 2 queens which shows up as 2 even though it's just me there. I don't know why that is, but I have seen it myself. Whether he's cheating or not I wish you the best, staying or going.

a reply to: Bluesma

I am so sorry.

You need to seek support.

You deserve it.

a reply to: Bluesma

Take him to the cleaners may his next spa holiday be in a tent on a cliff at Picardy

Aw Blues, hopefully it's really a booking hoop like Auggie said and your husband just didn't have the time to look into it and reassure.

originally posted by: khnum
a reply to: Bluesma

Take him to the cleaners may his next spa holiday be in a tent on a cliff at Picardy

How about not? Encouraging playing dirty & greedy off the bat in a divorce/potential divorce is immature and no one's crowned a winner. If me & mine are to ever split, I'll be following the example of my divorced parents, and doing so amicably without "cleaning him out", regardless of circumstances (and my dad DID cheat, but my mother didn't squeeze every last penny out of him because it was "low", so there's that)

a reply to: Bluesma

Did you get the room number?

a reply to: SecretKnowledge

Yes I've been in love before, Im no spring chicken.

Think of it this way... You are going to have to deal with the pain whether you stay or if you go. You are going to have to move on, get closure, heal etc in either scenario. Why not take a shot at rebuilding with a few battle scars? Especially after 26 years...
Odds are, you will never get a chance ever again in your life to experience a 27 year long relationship... or a 30 year, or a 45 year long one.
I know couple that have been through worse and are usually better for it.

Frankly, Im getting very tired of our 'throw it away' mentality. I'm VERY tired of our government playing sneaky eugenics and subsidizing the bad decisions people make in their relationships... Have a kid with a loser? No prob, uncle sam will pay you handsomely... Decide you're tired of your old man and want something new? "Take him to the cleaners" and let the lawyers wring blood out of some poor schmuck...
I'm not trying to say you're not completely entitled to get rid of this guy, but rather pointing out that our culture has shifted its views considerably (For the worse IMO) concerning these types of issues.

It's just as audacious to try to completely reinvent your relationship as it is to completely reinvent your life.
Either way the universe rewards audaciousness, and big changes are officially a part of the near future for this woman.

Also no offense to readers, but please allow me to allow the internet to expand my thoughts with a simple copy and paste:

Audacious:
adjective
1. extremely bold or daring; recklessly brave; fearless
2. extremely original; without restriction to prior ideas; highly inventive
3. recklessly bold in defiance of convention, propriety, law, or the like; insolent; brazen.
4. lively; unrestrained; uninhibited

I'm curious if the hotel actually has single person rooms as since I'm widowed I get a lot of two person room bills although I just booked alone. Was annoying the first few years.

a reply to: Bluesma

Edit:

Do not blame yourself. If he cheated, then he betrayed your trust and he must face the consequences. This really is not your fault and unjustly blaming yourself will not lead to good outcomes.

It's a difficult situation to experience and I wish you all the best, hoping you come out a stronger person.

a reply to: Bluesma

If this has not been 100% confirmed either by your husband himself or some irrefutable proof that he actually got that room for the purpose of cheating, I would strongly advise you to take a step back and think this through before you assume the worst.

It could have been something as simple as a lack of available single rooms...it is the holiday season after all, and hotel space is sometimes limited. Or it could have simply been an error on the part of the person doing the booking. You say you were supposed to meet him tomorrow. Is it possible that he got a double occupancy in anticipation of your arrival?

Most importantly, what caused you to immediately assume the absolute worst about him in the first place? Is this a recurring issue or an isolated event?

There are a number of other possible explanations for this that are completely benign. Wouldn't it seem kind of dumb for a cheating husband to pay for a room for two knowing full well that there was an excellent chance that his wife would see evidence of that transaction? People who carry on extramarital affairs are typically very careful about leaving a trail like that. Unless this has happened before, it seems far more likely that there is a simple explanation for it.

Ultimately, you're going to have to confront him about it. Before you do, and risk your own doubts about his character creating an environment of mutual distrust and hurt, make sure that you're right. Finding out that a spouse has wrongly assumed their partner is cheating can be just as damaging to a marriage as actual infidelity...and in many ways even more so.

Get the facts first and foremost, but if the only option is to directly confront him about it, take a time out to center yourself and approach him calmly and rationally about your concerns. If you're dead wrong, he'll probably still be hurt by the fact that you suspected him of such a thing, but if you relay it in a calm manner it'll take a lot of the sting out. And...if your suspicions do in fact turn out to be valid, you will be ready to face that outcome with your head held high.