How to Break Up Gracefully

It's not you, it's me ... or is it?

Just about all of us have heard -- or even said -- this line as a way of ending a romantic relationship. The problem is that it often leaves the dumpee thinking the exact opposite.

But is there really a way to make a clean and honest break? Is it ever OK to lie when ending a romantic relationship? Can you IM him or her that it's over, or do you have to do it in person? Is it really possible to be friends with your ex after a breakup?
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In my last two romantic relationships I broke them off. In both cases I did it suddenly and without warning. In both cases I received feedback that the other person was shocked and heartbroken. That makes me sound really bad. However...

In both cases the other person had tried to break up with me multiple times. I didn't think I meant much to either of them. They had told me multiple times that they loved me, and they wanted to be with me. In my mind, actions speak louder than words. I was convinced in both cases that I really wasn't too important to either person based on their attempts to break up with me. Also, I had to cut them off suddenly because I was concerned I never could have broken up with them any other way. They're both very smooth talkers, very persuasive.

Now that I'm back in touch with one of them, they don't seem like the same person at all. They're acting entirely differently...no joy where they used to be filled with joy, no passion where they used to be filled with passion, no humor where they used to be full of humor... I don't know if my actions caused any of that, but I'm concerned they did. If it ever comes up again, I'll never approach a breakup the way I did the last two times.

I hope this thread is enlightening. I'll be reading it intently.

In both cases the other person had tried to break up with me multiple times. I didn't think I meant much to either of them. They had told me multiple times that they loved me, and they wanted to be with me. In my mind, actions speak louder than words. I was convinced in both cases that I really wasn't too important to either person based on their attempts to break up with me

That's really confusing. They said they loved you and wanted to be with you, but tried to break up with you?

They're acting entirely differently...no joy where they used to be filled with joy, no passion where they used to be filled with passion, no humor where they used to be full of humor..

Or maybe you were just seeing what you wanted to see. They may have never been the person you thought they were.

Next time you feel the need to break up suddenly and without warning, make it look like you're about to propose in some romantic way.

That'll be more interesting for sure.

originally posted by: DAVID64

In both cases the other person had tried to break up with me multiple times. I didn't think I meant much to either of them. They had told me multiple times that they loved me, and they wanted to be with me. In my mind, actions speak louder than words. I was convinced in both cases that I really wasn't too important to either person based on their attempts to break up with me

That's really confusing. They said they loved you and wanted to be with you, but tried to break up with you?

One of them did it three times in about five days. That was actually the last straw in that relationship.

In the other case, I would have stayed for almost anything except what was necessary to stay in that relationship (long story). They tried to break up with me twice as I recall. The first time it was over a misunderstanding. The second time, they definitely meant it. They gave me a long speech about why we had to break up. I agreed with almost everything they said. I was able to change their mind despite that. Then much later I just had to face the fact that I agreed with almost everything they said about why we should break up, and that was part of why I broke up with them.

Concerning your point quoted above, in both cases the other person tried to break up with me then changed their mind about it.

a reply to: Aldakoopa

I'm trying to make it as easy to take as possible. I just hope it never comes up again.

I usually just fake my own death.

originally posted by: Profusion

Now that I'm back in touch with one of them,they don't seem like the same person at all. They're acting entirely differently...no joy where they used to be filled with joy, no passion where they used to be filled with passion, no humor where they used to be full of humor... I don't know if my actions caused any of that, but I'm concerned they did. If it ever comes up again, I'll never approach a breakup the way I did the last two times.

I hope this thread is enlightening. I'll be reading it intently.

To be fair, i wouldn't be unfriendly to my ex wife despite what occurred back then, however, although being the same person as i was back then there would definitely be, to her, a noticeable change to my persona in her view. Kind of like being at arms length sort of thing ..... no way on this planet would she get back in to my "comfort zone" ..... i would go as far to say, even if she was the last woman on earth ....

So yeah, the same person but different attitude towards her which would be noticeable. Did her actions cause that? of course they did but i don't hold that against her, just wouldn't trust her again .... and that would show

Hopefully your next relationship lasts a bit longer and can handle small things.

Personally it's best to break up when needed but not for small reasons.
Breaking up with someone will hurt both parties but in the end time heals all wounds.

You'll get another chance dude/dudet.

a reply to: Profusion

my best advice is enter into any relationship very slowly and build a foundation in friendship with same way you would communicate to a counselor or sibling/family member...open and honest about feelings/emotions...and pay attention to patterns/habits. the point i am making is this, breaking off the romance should not be a bad thing if you keep the peacful behavoir as a friend...
i was dumped rather abrubtly years ago and instead of hating the fellow, i made friends with he and the woman he married..because love should over rule all other negative feelings,imho.

originally posted by: luciferslight
Hopefully your next relationship lasts a bit longer and can handle small things.

Since you're pushing me on this I'll elaborate. One of the issues with the first one was the same thing that caused me to get a divorce years ago. There were other issues that were big.

Concerning the other case, I'm going to quote from the email I sent that person describing why I was breaking up with them. You tell me if these are "small things." Concerning them being married, they claimed to be estranged from their husband for nearly 20 years.

I've decided to break up with for the following reasons.

1. You tried to break up with me three times in about 5 days.

The first two times were over nothing. This last time was a bigger issue. But, it's the kind of thing that's normal in a relationship. You don't seem flexible enough.

2. You viciously attacked [friend] for no reason.

You keep talking about wanting a real man? A real woman wouldn't have attacked [friend] for no reason the way you did.

3. You don't care about my feelings.

A couple of times you cut off chatting with me without telling me why. It was a very callous thing to do. The real problem is that it reveals that you don't care about my feelings.

4. Your belief systems don't match.

You claim that you believe in [source] completely. You also claim that you agree with [source's] view of the world is the same as yours.

I'm sorry, they're completely contradictory.

5. I don't want to be a stepdad.

6. You didn't tell me you were married.

This alone would be enough for many people to break up over. You want to talk about morality?

a reply to: peppycat

Peppy, you're so insightful. It's very clear to me that your love rules over your other emotions. It's nice to hear that you can be friends with males who are in a romantic relationship, if I'm understanding you correctly.

build a foundation in friendship with same way you would communicate to a counselor or sibling/family member...

That sounds boring to me, but sometimes being a little boring is a good idea. I think you're talking about being methodical concerning all this. I agree with that, but it's against my nature. My nature is to go as fast as possible usually. Being methodical is something I usually don't enjoy. However, I will take your words to heart, and consider them carefully.

a reply to: Profusion

So, you broke up via email? am i reading that correctly? really?

a reply to: corblimeyguvnor

I was about to lose my sanity with that person. It was a brief online-only relationship. We never met in person. I felt like I was about to lose it if I had to communicate with them again. They took me to a breaking point. It's easy to read the list I posted, but living through it was one of the hardest things I've done. I felt like I had lived through a 12-round heavyweight bout. I wasn't looking for that, just a happy relationship.

Sorry you are experiencing these breakups. Each time there is usually one extremely broken heart.

I read your list of reasons for the breakup. They seem fair and thoughtful and that you broke up for good reasons. I must say that specific circumstances instead of vague points would be more meaningful.

Someone or ones will always be hurt. It is usually better to mention "a little space needed" and do it gradually.

It really isn't necessary to detail all their inadequacies-they are probably inadequacies in relation to you-sometimes, people just don't bring out the best in each other. Not every relationship is meant to be.

So, if we're talking about adults, this is really all that needs to be said over a cup of coffee; both know when things need to end.

A good hug and a kiss on the cheek will soften the hurt. And, remember, this is just a part of life. Try not to dwell on the failure and keep yourself busy til the next love crush comes along-and it will.

originally posted by: Justso
So, if we're talking about adults, this is really all that needs to be said over a cup of coffee; both know when things need to end.

A good hug and a kiss on the cheek will soften the hurt. And, remember, this is just a part of life. Try not to dwell on the failure and keep yourself busy til the next love crush comes along-and it will.

That sounds reasonable unless you're talking about people who are so persuasive that if you give them an inch they'll take a mile. In the case of the two people I broke up with, they're both quite enchanting (at least to me). The way that I was able to bring them back from breaking up with me, I may be the same way to some extent.

The point is that sometimes you can't give people a chance at all because it's just too dangerous.

Have you ever met someone who could sell ice to Eskimos? That's kind of what I'm trying to convey.

a reply to: Profusion

"Gracefully" and "without heartache" are two different things.

Break-ups generally never happen without some heartache from at least one, if not both, of the people involved. However, there are always ways to do the break-up that can ease or intensify the emotional pain felt by the break-upee (TM).

I really think that you're overly worried about the affect of your break-up on this ex-gf of yours. There can be myriad things that happen in someone's life that can put them in a relative funk, and you may not understand something that she may be going through at this time. Remember, according to you, she tried to break up with you before, so there was obviously some sort of indication on her behalf that showed that the relationship wasn't meant to be.

She could also be feeling awkward and guarded around you considering your past relationship and that you were the one that broke up with her--no one ever likes to be on the receiving end of a break-up, even if they were already considering it.

Bottom line is that I wouldn't put too much stock in your actions being why she seems drained of passion and humor and everything else, but if it really is that concerning to you, why don't you just meet up somewhere and just talk to her about it--tell her that it seems as if she's lost some of the spark of life that she used to have and that you're wondering if everything is okay in her life. If she doesn't want to discuss it with you, so be it, but at least you tried to open an line of communication in order to gain some understanding, and that will go a long way in easing your concerns that you put her in this perceived funk.

And there's always the possibility that DAVID64 is on point with his assertion that you may have been blinded by love/infatuation at the time of the relationship, and now that you're out of it, they seem like a different person because you don't have those blinders on anymore.

Two pennies for you.

Just stop calling them, answer when they call you and respond to texts but DONT initiate conversation. Then bring some new girl home, you wont have to break up with em. They will know its over when they walk in on you sodomizing your new toy.

a reply to: Profusion

raised by hippy parents and around brothers, yes being plutonic friends with a male that has a spouse/other is normal..for me.

Many long term great marriages tell me that it's not easy... periods of boring can be better than striving to always experience the excitement or thrill of getting to know one another in the romantic sense...
for the long haul, being able to express what's on your mind concerning how things make you feel within or without the relationship, IMHO may seem methodical...but i believe that is part of the reason for being in long term relationship...to feel safe to relate on level you would not do in casual setting or work place with acquaintances.
building a foundation with open communication from the get go, should provide a reasonable seperation...if the people involved feel the need to part ways after realizing the compatability is not there...i find an explanation is far better than none at all, as per personal experiences...
saying why you want to break up gives the other a chance to reflect, learn and grow...
every situation is so different for people breaking up and many times can be hurtful or volatile...that is why i stress friendship and open communication as the mane building blocks to a healthy romantic relationship...

be well!

a reply to: Profusion

Best way to break up is always to make it as confusing as possible. They'll eventually get super mad and do it for you. "Before I consider to fall in love with you, I would like to be sure, you know really sure we're on the same page. I mean it's obvious I'm the catch of your life but what is it you bring into this relationship? ..." Stuff like that, they're gone in 5 seconds and you can be sure you're not damaging them emotionally.

Add: disclaimer, this only works with people who have selfesteem. If they don't you're getting flowers and gifts and...
Don't know how to break up with one of those, my relationships with whiny wieners so far were just over without having to spell it out it. Don't answer the phone don't call.

originally posted by: Profusion
I was about to lose my sanity with that person. It was a brief online-only relationship. We never met in person. I felt like I was about to lose it if I had to communicate with them again.

That's not a relationship .... In my day they were called *pen pals*

a reply to: peppycat

Good advice on paper but I've noticed and I'm sure most others have as well (or maybe it's just me )
That's it's almost impossible to build let alone nurture a friendship past the childhood/school phase.

People have become comfortable and complacent in their adult years and have complex and busy lives that don't have room for new friends.

I guess that's why online dating is so popular. Why not trust an algorithm that matched us up at the peak of our loneliness. lol