Collecting my thoughts.

Hello. I am going to try to explain where I am and how I can move ahead in life. I'm in a relationship right now, that is causing me to be stagnant in life. My current partner has made life very easy for me, and he likes it that way. I have very little responsibility. How many times have I asked him to teach me how to drive? I'm 27 years old and I don't know how to drive a motor vehicle. I need something like a mentor or older brother figure that I can rely on to teach me to become self reliant. My partner and I have weird chemistry. It's more playful than romantic. I need the romantic chemistry to motivate me to get stuff done in life. My life is so easy though, how could I complain? My welfare check shows up, BOOM rents paid, I cook, I clean, but life is very easy. I feel like its been made this way. This person who I am with is holding onto me in part, out of desperation, but also because we get along very well, and in fact I have compromised a lot, practically compromised everything just so that we can get along and be happy. But its time for me to move on and have what I want in life.

a reply to: Mousygretchen

Well the obvious question would be.. what do you want from life? Where would you rather be?

a reply to: rockintitz


Oh, life is FAR from ideal, trust me...But yet, I still feel like I'm in no place to complain.

a reply to: Mousygretchen

What is ideal to you?

a reply to: rockintitz


Ideal would be like being in a relationship with an older brother or mentor figure as I said. The tricky thing about passionate love is that it comes to an end sooner or later, in my experience. I'm thinking more along the lines of, I rely on you, you rely on me, sort of thing, I need someone to teach me to be independent in life self sufficient. I honestly need to get my stuff together as I pay my welfare checks.

a reply to: Mousygretchen
Being single for a while might do you some good.

a reply to: Mousygretchen

With all due respect, those are all goals involving other people.

Do you have any personal goals?

a reply to: rockintitz


My goals are to teach about nutrition and to learn landscaping, and improve my cooking. When I say landscaping, I mean botany. I am a lover of plants. Also to study astrology as a hobby.

a reply to: Mousygretchen

Those sound like great ideas.

There's only one you. I would suggest you make your decisions accordingly.

My life seems to be punctuated by these "intersections" , at which I need to make a choice between taking the easy road, or the hard one; stick with the familiar and comfortable, or set off towards challenges and renewal.

It goes in cycles, I live for a time with uncomfortable growth (learning new skills, a new job or discipline of some kind, a change in my relational status, where I live....) ,
and when I've had enough of that (either because I reached my goals, or have gotten too drained to continue that way, or both),
I let go, sit back and find a peaceful easier road for a while to re-charge my batteries.

...before setting off on the next adventure!

Seeing as I am coming from that sort of life, I can't help seeing the situation you've described as-
Your desire for growth and expansion is growing too strong for you to ignore. You've been on a peaceful easier road for a while, and now it is time to change.

I have a few suggestions- feel free to take them or leave them!

Looking for a male father-type figure to support, guide, and teach you,
might not be the best way to go. It sounds like the relationship you have now is of that sort (hence the lack of passion...?)
Just intuitively, I want to suggest you watch the film "The Hours" (with Meryl Streep, Nicole Kidman, Julianne Moore). There are some of these themes in there that might touch chords in you...

On the other hand, it is true that having a partner that supports your goals and dreams, a sort of cheerleader for you, is important to everyone- male or female!

Here's what I am ultimately getting at-

You might have to end this relationship and start over. But not necessarily.

Think about when you decide to follow, stand by and invest in a man- it is somewhat like being a investor/shareholder in a company! First, you need to have some idea of what their goals are, their values, their motivations...
What they intend to do, and how they intend to do it. From there, you can more easily decide whether you are going to get on their train and help them out.

Same thing with people. You need to make clear what your goals are, before anyone can join up with you and help you get there.

It is possible your mate simply doesn't try to push or aid you because you've communicated no specific desire or goal!
But if you do... perhaps he'd jump right in and be an added motor in the project!

-If he doesn't, then yeah, that would be the moment to put an end to that relationship and set off.
Even if that is the case, with your new personal project to present to other men, you are more likely to have one become interested in you, and "investing" in you.

For the moment, my advice would be- first figure your desire out- specify what you want. Whittle those down to one or two goals, depending upon how big they are. You can't go from this state of inactivity to a state of hyper-productivity over night. You need to work up momentum. Start small.

Then communicate it. Seriously. Write out a plan, and show it to you mate, talk to him about what you want to do.
Consider that you are making him an offer- do you want to get in on this project?
Let him know what sort fo benefits he can draw from it in the long run (I'll be a more happy and confident person to be with, I'll have a career that will help pay the bills, I will be slightly less dependent and needy, we'll have a nicer garden and home....etc.).

Then if he is enthousiastic, be open to his suggestions and ideas along the way. Don't "obey" them- he is not your father, you are not a child. But consider that you are partners, and he has a percentage of influence in the project.

That is how my husband and I work things, anyway. We fell in love with each other because each had dreams and desires to fulfill. We go through one after the other- taking turns being the captain of the current project, and the other one being the investor/supporter.

(right now, I'm the captain of the new career adventure, just went back to school, and he's being my cheerleader! )

Whatever you do, good luck! Don't be afraid to set off on change and challenge!

a reply to: Mousygretchen

Collecting your thoughts is the first step, but setting them in action is the next. If your partner is holding you back from that, it is time to move on.

a reply to: Mousygretchen

First of all and this is with no disrespect.
Being with someone does not in any way make you keep your value. You don't need a man to be happy.
Also if you're unhappy talk to your partner let him know you are not happy.
Communication is key in any relationship.

Sounds to me like you already know what you need to do, but need approval. Just do it.

originally posted by: Mousygretchen
Hello. I am going to try to explain where I am and how I can move ahead in life. I'm in a relationship right now, that is causing me to be stagnant in life. My current partner has made life very easy for me, and he likes it that way.

Of course he does .... He has you like a child... He is in control, not you.

I have very little responsibility. How many times have I asked him to teach me how to drive? I'm 27 years old and I don't know how to drive a motor vehicle.

Take control of yourself, don't wait for him to teach you to drive, go

and enroll in a driving school, and let him know when you have passed!

I need something like a mentor or older brother figure that I can rely on to teach me to become self reliant.

NO you don't!! Teach yourself, that alone will give you the self esteem

you need to go forward.

My partner and I have weird chemistry. It's more playful than romantic. I need the romantic chemistry to motivate me to get stuff done in life. My life is so easy though, how could I complain?

You may have out grown him? your needs have changed, you seem to be

too comfortable and complacent. What you need now is a challenge,

to motivate you, to give you the buzz you get from achievement.

This person who I am with is holding onto me in part, out of desperation, but also because we get along very well, and in fact I have compromised a lot, practically compromised everything just so that we can get along and be happy. But its time for me to move on and have what I want in life.

Sounds like it isnt of mutual benefit Time to go get a life

I wish you luck remember .... *nothing ventured nothing gained*

Tell him how you feel before you move on, if he realises that you have other needs and still wants you in his life then, he will/should let you be who you are in life, rather than make it easy etc.

a reply to: Mousygretchen


That would be worrisome. You're 27, 3 years away from 30. Before you know it you're 50 or 60. The most important thing is to be as self sufficient as you can be. Why are you collecting welfare checks? Do you have children? Education and income are the most important things.

You need to speak with your spouse about wanting to drive, and if he's not on board, he may not be right for you, especially if you want to grow.

I know some women have that setup and it works for them; and I know some women who were left out in the cold after becoming dependent on someone who ended up leaving them; don't let that happen to you

a reply to: Bluesma


Thanks so much for your reply. I totally hear everything you're saying. My real goal right now is to be able to live by myself comfortably, and right now my checks wont provide that for me. We've been over this before though. BTW I take full responsibility for it. My goal would be being able to do everything myself without relying on others for pretty much anything. I have to get organized and my ducks in a row.

a reply to: Aedaeum


Lol, thanks for that.

a reply to: eletheia

NO you don't!! Teach yourself

^^I know you're right, it just seems more difficult that way, but probably more gratifying as well.

a reply to: KTemplar


Yeah I hear you..No, this same partner fought with lawyers to determine that I have a personality disorder, hence SSI. It took those lawyers like 1.5 years? He'll never let me drive that car. Someone once took over the steering wheel a while back in messed it up. I was working with a Job Coach(very bitter, overworked person), filling out applications and attending interviews, I did everything right and was never hired to any of those jobs..I was 16 my first job, and I got it because of a reference from my high school friend