Tearing myself down inside each night

a reply to: Bluesma


I can relate to this such that I have in the past thought about things people said to me, thinking they were compliments or kind comments, but wondering if they were sarcastic in my head.

a reply to: Bluesma


If I could afford to fly to France, I would do it so that I could spend some time with you and try and understand what advice you need to stop doing this to yourself. < 3


Change those dangerous thought patterns.

a reply to: Bluesma

I am like that too. It used to be much worse though, but can still appear every once in a while under certain circumstances.

We all have things we are more prone into, and life lessons we must face for different reasons (karma, astrology, parents, childhood, etc). I'm a Virgo so I had a big tendency to be overly critical about myself. Because it's repeatedly coming back, it means that you have no alternative but to face it. Not to face the criticism, but to face the belief system that sets the loop each time ("I am not good enough", "Nobody really likes me", etc).

When you are with others the mind tends to deal with the outward objects. When alone, in more solitude, this arises. The mind is always seeking to be active, when there's no external stimuli it just goes inside and starts playing with your thoughts and feelings. That's why many people are feeling uncomfortable when sleeping alone.

You can either question yourself around the ideas that you are criticizing yourself over (look out Byron Katie's 4 questions), or just let it be. Questioning our thoughts is like lightning a candle in a dark room.

The behavioral cognitive therapy is a good suggestion, it sounds like you need a shift of perspective, it takes a looooong time.

Goodluck - You're a lot better than you think, simply because of the introspection you've already done, this puts you way ahead of the rest

Okay, I read everyone's replies- a thank you to each! A lot of good people here, and i appreciate it.

Got some ideas to try, some I don't know if I can do (behavioral therapy is hard to find in a small village in rural France, for example), but I have ideas to look into!

Some of you suggested I consider what exactly is setting this off right now....I didn't want to ask myself that. -Which was a sign I SHOULD. I realized that at this moment, I keep having flashbacks to a childhood event/period, that was difficult for me. The reason became so glaringly obvious I cannot believe I didn't see it before I wrote this!

When I was very young, I lived in a neighborhood that was almost exclusively mexican. I was the only white girl in class when I started going to school. Most of the kids did not speak english, and I basically became the class clown in order to communicate with the others and be part of things. I made them laugh with body language mostly.

In first grade, the teacher had to concentrate on teaching them to speak english. Because I already spoke english, I think I probably got bored and began goofing off, distracting the other students, and she decided to send me outside, to sit against a tree. I did this everyday, all year. It was just the daily ritual.

Then the next year, a new teacher had the mission of teaching them to read in english, and I was already on adult novels, having learned on my own out against the tree. But she felt it wasn't a good idea to have a child outside all year by herself, so she had a small wooden cubby hole built for me to crawl into and read, while the rest of the class was being taught. (I never forgot her, it was the kindest thing anyone could do! )

But anyway, I think that is where some fo my problem comes from- the idea that my personality is "too much" and that not keeping myself silent and invisible will get me rejected.

I know, a bunch of you will say stuff like "what do you care about fitting in?? I don't need anyone else, I am fine by myself, I don't understand why that would bother you."

I dare say, that is often what people who have never been really isolated or alone for long periods of time say. Being alone for years is something else entirely, and you can have too much of a good thing. Especially at an age of development in which social bonds and skills should be developed.

Anyway....

Get this- right now, I have gone back to school, to get a license in import and export. I suddenly find myself in a class again, and guess what? We have english class. There is also a british woman. The english teacher immediately sought to get us to participate as much as possible, thinking it would be good for the others to hear two different accents. She asks us about every other word, if it is more british or american. She tends to fall into talking only with us while the rest of the class can't follow, and are getting very irritated.

The rest of the class has really become hostile about it. I try to keep from engaging with her, and answer her with simple grunts. I moved to the back of the class and hide my head, she still seeks me out. She asks me to get up in front of the class and speak. We went around the room, each student reading a phrase out loud- but AFTER I read it first!

The students are so sick of it, and I told them I understand, I agree, and I am trying hard to change it. I had a talk with teacher alone and let her know the state of things, it didn't help much.

So

I guess life has brought me to the same point again, to revisit the same challenge. There's a big tree right outside the door of the class. This time it has a bench against it, so at least it will be more comfortable than the ground.

What I mean is, this situation is poking old wounds and worries. I had one woman in there tell me this morning that I have a fantastic personality, that I shouldn't hide, and that inspires others and will probably get me a good job.
For the most part, the people seem to waver back and forth between this anger, and also sort of liking me other times.

I guess these thoughts, I should have expected, considering. Sometimes though, things are too close to see.

I don't know what I am going to do next. But just being more aware of what is going on is my first step, I guess....

a reply to: Bluesma


You can't please all of the people all of the time. You are a good person and that is what matters most. Let your light shine!

Just coming back to this thread again to re-read the advise people gave me.

I have ups and downs....I'm learning a whole new career, and am under pressure to find an internship. Some days I start to think I should quit now, I am way too stupid for this, I'll never be able to, then other moments it seems I am born for this and it is exciting.

Strangely enough, it is when I am alone that my doubts are the worst... when with others it becomes clear that in relation to many of them, I am more capable (and they aren't worried, so maybe I shouldn't be).

Then, once back home, I am sure I am the worst.
I actually have had an incredible stroke of luck, which landed me in an interview with the company I dream of working with. Everything seemed to go great, all signs point to them hiring me, I had a great exchange with everyone there (they said they were excited and looking forward to working with me...)

then a couple of hours later, alone, I become convinced it was a disaster, I did everything wrong, and was a HUGE fail (that shall be talked about amongst all those in this field and I'll never get a job).

I sure hope that my confidence level sort of levels off soon. These silly dramatic ups and downs in my self esteem are tiring!

But I am going over the advice and ideas you great people left for me here- it is a reference I will go back to each time I need a reminder..

Hi Bluesma

So, I am a licensed psychotherapist here in the old US of A. I am apprenticing as a relational analyst so what I have to offer may sound a wee bit ancient but feel free to read through to the end...it get's better :-)

So what I see is a lot of identity conflict. Not that you don't know who you are, but that you may not always trust who you are. A lot of great advice so far. I might suggest a small homework assignment to help you get some objectivity and find simple proofs that you are more than you feel during down times.

We play a game in working with clients in denial called observe-imagine. Say for example, an addict does not realize they are using addictive behaviors. We ask first to post facts. "Two weeks ago, you told me you drank to excess and after an hour, you told your husband he was worthless. The next day, you stated that you apologized to him and realized that you only said it because you were intoxicated. That same night, per your report, you drank heavily because in your words, you felt ugly and evil for what you said. You mentioned that you NEEDED a drink to calm down."

Now we switch it to imagine. "So (name here), imagine if you took yourself AND your husband out of the equation. Looking at those facts that are undeniable from your own report, what can you imagine it might look like to a therapist, counselor, or the judge?" The hope then is that even the tiniest crack in denial will explode into realization. It's a handy technique.

NOW....in relational psychoanalysis, we play this game exactly opposite.

So what I would suggest is looking first at what you imagine people think about you. Don't ruminate, but imagine. Then, in reverse, go back and look at only the facts of things like the interview, the party, etc. You'll start to see that when you remove your bias from the picture, you'll see things like, "the interviewer really responded well to me. That woman I met at the party seemed glued to me." an so forth

Now the tricky part...go BACK to imagine and now, as objectively as you can...imagine what those people think of you. You may find that your thoughts of them to you will improve. The best part of this exercise is, you don't have to even buy into what I am "selling." Just simply try it.

If you find that you are imagining a more positive external response to you, then begin to look at your identity and who you are inside. Incorporate the new proofs you found that people must clearly have a great appreciation. Over time, you might then find that with more and more logical backing, your own identity and doings will be cemented. Once your own structure is strengthened, it will be come much harder to shake you.

Just some thoughts

PM me if you ever feel interested in a bit more

a reply to: KyoZero

Okay... thank you! I tried this immediately, and yes, the barefacts seem to indicate a much more positive relationship and exchanges between myself and others recently.

It doesn't feel very stable... I find myself slipping into doubts again almost immediately.

The french culture is so focused on being implicit, avoiding being explicit, that for a foriegner with issues of my sort, it is crazy making! No comment, no phrase, is what it seems, and being able to decode the underlying message is seen as a guage of intelligence. (as well as your ability to respond to it with an equal amount of implicitness).

Other americans I've met hear call it the french obsession with "that which is NOT said" (Sartre looking for the friend that is not there is expressing a very typical part of his culture!)

I have been quite naive about this in the past, and I think it actually played in my favor in some cases - people trying to provoke me didn't get a reaction - I didn't realize there was a poke! Now, I know they do this, but can't tell when it is happening.

Mix that with my obviously neurotic identity problems, I can be quite paranoid.

I can re do this exercise everytime I start to slip though. I usually settle once I feel stable in an environment or with my entourage. I think such big changes are really destabilizing for me.

Thanks for the hand. I appreciate it immensely.

a reply to: Bluesma

well the benefit like I said is you don't have to buy into it. The longer term benefits will be seen as you practice it over and over. Now of course, this along will not do help you cope with everything, but the little surprise you find as you get more and more adept at this, you'll get a cool little boost in self-confidence because in the end, you'll find out that you were able to overcome something for a minute, then an hour, then hours, then days...and you'll have a new proof that YOU did this :-)