Stuck in limbo between life and death

originally posted by: Puppylove
a reply to: Puppylove

Oh crap I'm 37... I got my own age wrong...

Pfft, your own stuff is the hardest to proof. Your brain knows what you intended to write and plays tricks on you by nicely making sure you think you see what you intended to be there.

originally posted by: Puppylove
a reply to: TNMockingbird

I've been on pills haven't found one that worked, haven't been able to afford a real psychologist or therapist for more than two sessions... I tend to get out of my rut, feel great and successful, not feel a need to seek help, then feel it come again, rush to get help too late, lose all my money trying to afford that help, but lose my job anyway and end up penniless.

Theres something called 5-HTP that you and a doctor may consider trying. Its readily availble at numerous places and does not require a prescription.

5-Hydroxytryptophan, also known as oxitriptan, is a naturally occurring amino acid and chemical precursor as well as a metabolic intermediate in the biosynthesis of the neurotransmitters serotonin and melatonin from tryptophan.

Its readily availble at places like GNC and smoothie shops and can potentially help with depressive, seratonin related issues.

Ive tried it and it does seem to stabilize mood and help with relaxation.

a reply to: Puppylove

You may want to talk to a doc. Sounds like your having trouble focusing. Can come with anxiety, depression etc.

You may need to screen for add/adhd. Are your thyroid glands the same size on either side of the throat? These feelings, as bad as they are, can be caused by something as simple as an iodine deficiency to the thyroid.

a reply to: paperdoll

You hang in there too. I, also am not in the best place to be giving advice, but, you mentioned animals? Do you have any pets? We have three kitties here, I think I'm gonna go snuggle one til she whines about it then keep snuggling a bit longer. Animals can help.

Shine a light on this. Making this post was a excellent step in that direction.

Take a bold step and share everything you are feeling with someone face-to-face.

Shine a light on it... Seriously. Protecting it in the dark only give it more power than it deserves. When you shine a light on it, you'll be amazed at the perspective and empowerment it can give you.

a reply to: Skang

They feel the same size. I was diagnosed with that when I was a kid, and prescribed Ritalin, but I moved on from that when I was in my mid teens.

a reply to: ketsuko

Lol don't I know it. I end up editing so many posts because of that very thing.

originally posted by: Puppylove
a reply to: TNMockingbird

I've been on pills haven't found one that worked, haven't been able to afford a real psychologist or therapist for more than two sessions... I tend to get out of my rut, feel great and successful, not feel a need to seek help, then feel it come again, rush to get help too late, lose all my money trying to afford that help, but lose my job anyway and end up penniless.

That's a tough situation for sure. Medications can take what seems like an eternity to figure out the right 'cocktail' so to speak. Pair those with occasional PRN meds if needed and one can be left feeling like a zombie or nearly comatose. The lack of money and insurance is concerning and I imagine it feels like an endless carousel ride.

It's truly a shame that folks can't get help regardless of their financial situation isn't it? When I first met my brother many many years ago he lived overseas. He couldn't believe that folks here, in the states, had no emergency psychiatric interventions available.

I don't think two or even a half a dozen sessions is usually enough to determine one's underlying issues. I wonder if there isn't some sort of public psychiatric facility that would use a 'sliding scale'? Sorry, just throwing ideas out.

I am thrilled that you are at least willing to see someone professionally for counseling. So many folks are not.

I can imagine that you wouldn't want to ask your roommate for any more help but this is very important help that you are in need of in my opinion and if there's no family or other friends that you are close to that you could ask for financial assistance perhaps the roommate is an option. They obviously care very much for you.

a reply to: TNMockingbird

I second this.

My issue isn't depression, but with migraine, you go through the same sorts of medication issues because the meds are messing with your brain chemistry ... just for different reasons.

It can take what feels like ages to get the right combo down, and my neurologist was very thorough in explaining the reality that there were over 100 different possible meds I could have to cycle through on my way to finding one that was a long-term solution.

Mood shifts, weight swings, sluggishness, tingly hands and feet, loss of appetite, etc., all just some of the symptoms I went through while cycling on and off of the various things I had to try before settling into my current regime.

a reply to: TNMockingbird

Our finances are super tight as is. I don't think he can help anymore where finances are concerned. But yes I've sought psychological help before. But it was generally focused on my transgender issues. Something else I cannot afford to deal with. I attempted suicide once, and my transgender therapist when she found out after my parents insisted they come the next session and told her, told me I try that again she'd dump me and stop seeing me.

I never went back to her. It was awhile before I saw another therapist again. That felt so cold.

I don't know what your faith is, but if you are open to it a church can be a good resource. I know at my church we have people literally come in off the street and leave with money, food, a temporary shelter, free counseling connections, etc (depending on the need).

Larger churches to tend to have access to more resources.

Anyway - I've been holding back on the Jesus talk in this thread (haha - that's hard for me sometimes) because I have no idea of your faith. But no matter your faith (or lack thereof) a good church community would likely love to offer support - both practical things and emotional and spiritual things. Seriously - Jesus followers live for this!

Just a thought...

a reply to: VegHead

I'm agnostic effectively atheist where organized religion is concerned. My nurse practitioner I was seeing gave me a pamphlet to a religion based councilor that does that pay scale thing. But all the faith based religious stuff in the pamphlet kinda scared me off. I have a very weird relationship with religion.

a reply to: Puppylove

That was cold!

Just when you needed someone the most.

I'm sorry that happened to you. That would make anyone shy I imagine from reaching out and being completely honest about what they are feeling.

There's are two people that I love more than anything or anyone else in this world. One of them lives in darkness.
She'll ask me why I won't let her give up.
I tell her tomorrow may be different, it may even be better.
She says how do you know?
I have to have faith for you and for me. Faith that a better day will come. Faith that when you hold my hand that I'm giving you my strength. Faith that there's a reason for your journey that we can't see yet. Faith that up ahead there is a corner and around that corner is the light. Faith that your life is more than this pain.

I hope you find someone to be strong for you when you can't be. It's helped her hold on so far and I hope you can find the strength to do the same.

a reply to: TNMockingbird

One of the reasons I fight so hard to keep living is... when I was suicidal that day. I saw an old friend I hadn't talked to in years on a messenger. All I said to them was "goodbye" in a single post. In less than 30 minutes they managed to, even without seeing me in years, not knowing where I lived, or even what state, managed to track down my parents through every resource they had available and my parents got a hold of me immediately. All because of a simple "goodbye."

I'm choked up right now thinking about that. It still chokes me up thinking about it.

originally posted by: Puppylove
a reply to: VegHead

I'm agnostic effectively atheist where organized religion is concerned. My nurse practitioner I was seeing gave me a pamphlet to a religion based councilor that does that pay scale thing. But all the faith based religious stuff in the pamphlet kinda scared me off. I have a very weird relationship with religion.

For whatever it is worth, we (my local church and most Christ-centered churches) would love to help you... Being agnostic/atheist would not be an issue. We love people and want to help anyone that is hurting.

But if you want to avoid the churchy types, you could check out any local colleges that have psychology or social work programs. mist offer sliding scales - sometimes free- counseling if you don't mind working with a grad student.

I've mentioned it earlier in this thread, but I'm so glad that you made this post. This could be a turning point. Shine a light, my friend. You will see there is nothing to be ashamed of...

Things will get better because you aren't going to let your worries fester and grow in the darkness. You can do this. Tomorrow, find a person to talk to. Could be a roommate, a doctor, a counselor, anyone... You aren't meant to face anything alone.

a reply to: VegHead

I'm trying to psyche myself up to do it... I can't promise I won't chicken out, but I'm trying. Part of me is scared, because shining that light also changes things, and well... there's a sorta comfort in limbo as long as it lasts... but wait too long in limbo and even the most patient person eventually has enough, and then it's too late... Is how I lost the love of my life...

a reply to: Puppylove

Look at it this way.

You've already done a lot.

You've opened up to a bunch of complete strangers. And it hasn't been a bad thing, has it?

a reply to: DBCowboy

No you're right it hasn't. You've all been wonderful. Even you've surprised me.

You're such a hardliner in so many threads I must admit to being kind of surprised after my admitting having not worked in months...

a reply to: Puppylove

I'm often a hard ass. But even a hard ass like me wants to see people working and independent.

If I can do anything towards that goal, then it should be a win-win all around.

originally posted by: Puppylove
a reply to: VegHead

I'm trying to psyche myself up to do it... I can't promise I won't chicken out, but I'm trying. Part of me is scared, because shining that light also changes things, and well... there's a sorta comfort in limbo as long as it lasts... but wait too long in limbo and even the most patient person eventually has enough, and then it's too late... Is how I lost the love of my life...

The fear and anticipation of being exposed and vulnerable are almost always worse then the reality. You just gotta do it. Once it's out there, it's out there ... And it suddenly doesn't look quite as ugly and overwhelming you thought it would.

Declare it a victory that you started this thread. I mean that sincerely! It's an excellent start. I know you can take the next step too, it is just a matter of deciding who you will talk to.

I need to go to bed, but I'll Just want to tell you one more time: You got this. You can do this! One step at a time.