Attempting Contact With My Biological Father

In May of 2015 I received confirmation that my father is not my biological father. I had suspected this since I was very young, but the suspicion was confirmed by relatives in my teens. My mother of course always steadfastly maintained that he was my dad no matter how many times I confronted her on the matter.

After finally DNA testing of myself, a paternal cousin and my (half, as it turns out) sister, the evidence was clear. When I confronted my mother this time she defensively admitted that she had "flings" in college before morphing into a story where she relayed that she was gang raped at a party after being slipped a mickey. She was adamant that she had no idea who my father was.

Now, my mother is not really a very nice person. She has marked narcissistic tendencies, she is highly manipulative and she is frankly a pathological liar. While normally I would stand quite firmly on a stance that would believe a woman who claims sexual assault, my mother is, as I said, profoundly untruthful (often, she cannot seem to discern reality from fiction, jumping from one version of events to another within a few seconds), as well as deeply afraid that the community will see her as a "slut" (probable enough) and that my father will reject her (unlikely). I also recognize that she may be telling the truth in spite of all of this. Also, having said all of that, I love my mother and even with these flaws she has good qualities too. There is reason to feel sorry for her even though she does sometimes do terrible things to me and my sister. So, if you want to address this part of the circumstance, tread lightly. That's my mom guys.

In spite of the potential for bio-dad to be a truly awful human being, and/or not really appreciating me trying to track him down, I decided to go forward in my search anyway. I tend to cope best by grabbing the proverbial bull by the horns. After almost year I was pretty sure I had found the most likely candidates, it is almost certainly one of two brothers. I contacted their sister last April. I had found out she was a bit of a genealogy buff and I thought a woman may be more sympathetic. Boy, was I wrong. I told her my name, that I was contacting her on a bit of a personal matter and told her our shared direct ancestor that I had confirmed. I did not even say that I was looking for my biological father. This is what she said:

“You know, take me off this list. Never call me again”. I think I mumbled something like “Yes ma’am. I understand”, and then I just half-whispered “I’m sorry”, which I think she didn’t even hear, she may have hung up already, and that was that. I was anticipating many things, plenty of them bad, but being treated like a troublesome telemarketer was not one of them.

Needless to say, I was heart broken and well... Baffled. It was such an odd thing for her to say. What list? What the heck? But never mind I guess. It took me a while to screw up the courage to try to contact the most likely of the two brothers, which I have done. We'll see how that goes, but I would like to document this journey for my own personal reasons and I think that most perspectives on ATS are positive and thoughtful, so I would be honored if any of you take an interest in this path that I am on. I am curious what many of you may think and may be looking for advice and a different perspective as I continue. Also, if anyone can learn anything from this little drama maybe it's not just a bunch of pain or at least uncomfortableness. So here I go...

a reply to: redhorse

Good luck!

Just to have a clearer picture of your situation and circumstances: Are you saying you knew your dad wasn't your dad when you were a teenager in 2015, or that you had been told by relatives in your teen years that your dad wasn't your dad, confirming your earlier suspicions and going some years before finally, in 2015, you nailed it down with DNA testing?

In May of 2015 I received confirmation that my father is not my biological father. I had suspected this since I was very young, but the suspicion was confirmed by relatives in my teens

originally posted by: BeefNoMeat
a reply to: redhorse

Good luck!

Just to have a clearer picture of your situation and circumstances: Are you saying you knew your dad wasn't your dad when you were a teenager in 2015, or that you had been told by relatives in your teen years that your dad wasn't your dad, confirming your earlier suspicions and going some years before finally, in 2015, you nailed it down with DNA testing?

In May of 2015 I received confirmation that my father is not my biological father. I had suspected this since I was very young, but the suspicion was confirmed by relatives in my teens

I had suspected that he wasn't my dad from a very young age, maybe eight or so. Something just wasn't right. When I was in my early teens some cousins on my paternal side had said we weren't related, and a maternal aunt had approached me when I was fifteen to tell me she didn't think that my dad was my dad.

I did DNA testing last year (I am 39 now), that confirmed this.

a reply to: redhorse
Weirdly similar situation, down to personality of mother(s). Although, I always knew my stepfather was just that.
Tracked my "real" father down about 15 years ago, just wanted to go for a beer/coffee and know more about where I came from. He didn't want to know, we had a 5 minute conversation, he explained he had a family and I think my turning up may have made that difficult for him from his perspective.

Lessons learned? Nothing ventured, nothing maimed but I'm glad I did it. It hurt at the time, I figured I now had 2 crappy parents not just 1. What I came to terms with over the next few years was that my stepfather was a pretty decent guy and more of a parent than either of my biological ones and that I had some great and supportive friends that really helped me through.

I hope it works out for you, but if it doesn't - you seem to have a decent perspective on things and as much as parents/childhood forms us, we really are responsible for being the best people we can be.

I hope you find him, I've a brother that was raised in London that I've never meet from my fathers side and been trying to find him but I've had no luck a reply to: redhorse

a reply to: redhorse
wow how interesting, I to this day do not know who my biological father is, and my mother sounds a lot like yours, its hard to believe what she says, she always causes problems in the fam, she hasn't talked to her parents in years, claims she had been raped by multiple people at different times in her life, but my grandmother tells me the storys of what happen when she was called to the "scene" and so on... but its interesting to know I am not the only one with this in my life. thanks pal



oh btw, she had 9 guys DNA tested when I was a baby and none of them were my father, I don't even know if my mother knows who my dad really is. but I'm okay with that, made it this far in life and doing great.

Take me off the list and do not call again are very typical responses to a telemarketer. Maybe there was some confusion and she thought you were winding up do a sales pitch?? Otherwise, I agree, that was a very very odd thing to say.

I have no advice but thanks for sharing your story. I hope you find some contentment, or at least closure, in this endeavor.

originally posted by: jokei
a reply to: redhorse
Weirdly similar situation, down to personality of mother(s). Although, I always knew my stepfather was just that.
Tracked my "real" father down about 15 years ago, just wanted to go for a beer/coffee and know more about where I came from. He didn't want to know, we had a 5 minute conversation, he explained he had a family and I think my turning up may have made that difficult for him from his perspective.

Lessons learned? Nothing ventured, nothing maimed

but I'm glad I did it. It hurt at the time, I figured I now had 2 crappy parents not just 1. What I came to terms with over the next few years was that my stepfather was a pretty decent guy and more of a parent than either of my biological ones and that I had some great and supportive friends that really helped me through.

I hope it works out for you, but if it doesn't - you seem to have a decent perspective on things and as much as parents/childhood forms us, we really are responsible for being the best people we can be.

Even if it doesn't go well, I just need to know. I want to confirm who it is. I do think this has a pretty good chance of going in a similar direction to your meeting, or worse, based upon his sister's reaction.

My husband is very supportive but it is difficult for me to talk about this because many of my friends are still entrenched in that community, which could have a back lash on my family (really small town, rural USA). Most of my friends don't even know what's going on. I have a few good friends who aren't tied in there who know though and they are supportive (as well as my husband).

I've come to the same conclusion as you did though, even if my parents aren't great people I will still try very hard to be kind at least.

originally posted by: darknewt
I hope you find him, I've a brother that was raised in London that I've never meet from my fathers side and been trying to find him but I've had no luck a reply to: redhorse

Oh wow. That would be hard. I'm not sure how to do go about that in the UK. I hope you find him. Good luck!

Interesting thread.

I am adopted and met my biological mother when I was about 19 after she was legally allowed to contact me. In Canada you can attempt to contact your adopted child once they reach 18 years old.

She knew who the father was, but he didn't know she was ever pregnant, kind of a fling type thing and she didn't want him to be an influence on if I was going to be adopted or not (she was 15 at the time and he was heavily into drugs).

I was traveling at the time she contacted me and once I was done I flew up to her farm for two weeks where I met my two half sisters and step brother. My biological mother is happily married now, no idea where bio dad is.

the family I was adopted into I have almost no connection to and share almost no similar interests with. However, my biological mother is creative, adventurous and intelligent, someone whom I connect with very well, as well as my two half sisters and the rest of the family.

So although the situation could have been much much worse, it actually turned out for the better.

The same could very well happen to you too

a reply to: Ghost147

I'm so glad that worked out for you. I am hopeful, but considering the situation I am definitely braced for the worst I must admit.

a reply to: redhorse

I wish you all the good luck possible in your endeavor! Hopefully he will turn out to be one of the good guys that just didn't know what to do with the knowledge that he had a son! Most men would be very happy and proud that he had a son.

I'm in somewhat the same position. I too had suspicions that my "dad" wasn't the one who brought about my existence. It's a LONG story, and all too common. I couldn't bear the thought of confronting my mother with questions that could make her feel badly about herself, especially since she was from the era of getting yourself "in trouble" just wasn't done...let alone keeping evidence of your mistake. It's too late to talk to her now because she's been gone for a number of years. I can't even get a copy of my birth certificate because it was closed deal. I know my biological father's name, where he's from and that I look just like him. Beyond that I've got zip. Stepfather's gratefully gone too, so no help there. He was a military officer and a real SOB. You're lucky to have at least some family to turn to even though the sister turns out to be a major let down. She probably used the term "list" not meaning anything by it. Or she thinks and knows there are others you would have reason to contact. Maybe she will come around...you never know.

You know the old saying about the "sins of the father..."? (mother in my case) That "sin" got handed off to me in the case of my oldest son. He did get to meet his father and introduce his family to him. Things "appeared" to be just fine until his father made plans to visit with him several times...plans he didn't carry through with. That was a BIG disappointment. I'm thinking his wife may have convinced him that my son wanted something from him beyond chit chat, which is not the case. I also think they didn't want their daughters to know that daddy dearest committed a rather common human error and didn't want to risk them knowing and possibly causing a family rift. I'm keeping my nose out of it even though I'd love to confront him over it. My son's going to make another attempt next month when he's in the area and has his daughters in tow. I hope he will oblige since he's already met them when they were just toddlers and seemed to be quite taken with them. Now would be a good time to really connect with them since they're beautiful young women now and would probably like to know their grandfather...and half-aunts!

I'm at a loss about how to proceed as I'm still wanting to know about my father's history. I doubt he's still alive, but I probably have siblings I could contact. HOW to find them (for free, I'm afraid!) is the million dollar question though! If you, or anyone reading this post has ANY suggestions, I'd sure love to hear them!

At any rate...I'm sorry to hear of the problems you've encountered, especially with having a mother who seems so unwilling to be forthcoming. I don't know why people lash out at in apparent fear over things like this. Embarrassment I'd guess? But, we're all , if nothing else, just human...embed with the many failings and shortcomings inheritant to all of us. Excuse the long windedness, but this is a subject dear to my heart! 😄

a reply to: Rubicon3

No worries on being long winded. I am just astonished how many people are in a similar situation. I'm sorry to hear about what is going on with your family. I hope things come around.

I am a woman though. Maybe he'll be proud to have daughter too.

(It's ok, most people think that I'm male online. I just have a masculine "voice" in this context I guess.)

a reply to: redhorse

I wish you the best in your journey. I truly do.
My biological family on my Father's side was less than receptive to meeting me. I communicate with one of my sisters on a very infrequent basis and the other sisters and their Mother (not mine) do not know.
My biological Mother's family and I have become very close over the years.

The rejection hurt deeply for quite some time. It doesn't bother me as much today. I think we learn to deal with it although I would like to have more information about my Father's side for my children but if it comes, I will have to find it on my own from biological family not in the US.

I hope you find what you are searching for and it is what you want/hope for.

a reply to: redhorse

Private investigator. Well worth the $$. They are fast, efficient and will let you know without contacting any of the other parties involved. They have massive resources available in one day to records...

And youll get your answer, and the other party wont know. Then you get decide what to do....

Good Luck

MS

a reply to: redhorse

While my situation isn't the exact same as yours, I can relate to it. I grew up without a father, and my mother always told me it's because he wasn't a good dad.

Well apparently he wasn't TOO bad of a person, because when I was a teenager (15-16), I was a pretty bad kid, more than my mom could handle. She shipped me off to go live with my father. The situation was far from good. I finally got to meet my dad at an old enough age to realize things. While I was a sh!tty kid, he was a worse dad. I understand I was literally dropped on his lap by my mother, but he had no interest in being an actual father to me.

I've also recently had thoughts of trying to contact him and ask him WTF! But then I think back to my teens, when he actually HAD a chance to be involved in my life. I realize now what I didn't then, he's happier without me in his life. It's a really crappy, gut-punch type feeling, but it is what it is. There isn't a single "good" father in the world that would not pursue every avenue available to see their child and be part of their life if they cared about them.

I've decided against ever contacting my dad, but that is simply because I know it will be full of disappointment and heartache. You might want to pursue your quest though simply because your dad might not know you exist.

I dunno why I felt compelled to reply, well I kinda do I guess, but none the less, just know you're not alone in such thoughts. I'm 35 and to this day (not every single day) I wonder how my dad could just not care about me after helping to make me. It sucks.

a reply to: mysterioustranger

If I could do it that way I would sure prefer to. What I need though is to confirm (or deny) the genetic relationship; which means, I need his DNA. For that, legally I need his permission unfortunately.

a reply to: redhorse

I had a similar response as you got from the sister when attempting to reach out to my biological father. Though, from him directly. Then he changed his n7mbers and deleted his Facebook account, as far as I can tell.

a reply to: redhorse

This situation is evolving and I just wanted to give everyone an update.

I never did receive a response to the letter that I sent to suspected biological father.

However...

Today, I checked Ancestry.com on a whim. It turns out that his oldest sister had done a DNA sample and sent it in this April. We are close relatives, although Ancestry does not define more than close relatives, 1st cousins, 2nd cousins so on and so forth, so it doesn't label her as my "aunt" per se, just a close relative.

I messaged her through that site and I guess we'll see what happens.

I suppose it could be a coincidence that a nearly 70 year old woman did a DNA sample who is my paternal aunt from that unknown father, but I suspect that her DNA inquiries may have something to do with my inquiries and the letter that I sent to her brother. It seems statistically unlikely, but who knows; this whole situation has been defined by weird coincidences so far.

a reply to: redhorse

Longtime member, first post...

I'm a female adoptee, been there/done that.
Found it ALL, actually. Even before the internet was much of an internet!

My thing, for searching, has always been privacy for everyone involved. It worked for me, obviously.

Which brings me to this point: It's a very long story, itching to get out, but I'm extremely hesitant to make it public by posting.