This is my first opening up moment in a long time. It was a choice between posting it here and letting it out, or walking up to a random stranger and
doing it. I believe I made the better choice.
I'm 30 years old, I have less than a year of college left to get a degree, but with the dead end job I'm working and fighting to pay down bills; it
is very unfeasible for me to actually finish college without going further into debt. As it stands now, my debt is manageable; $10k in school loans
and $12k on the car. I have a motorcycle that was paid off a year ago, am planning to sell it as soon as the oil/oil filter ship in from amazon.
Anyways, I have been in panic mode for about 3 months now; new boss at work, I haven't been getting as many hours and there will be no more raises
for anyone. Needless to say, it is a dead end job, physically demanding so the only real perk is I am in good shape and enough vitamin E to
I have been living in the same area code my whole life, I'm restless and want to get out; there is honestly nothing here for me. The past month I
must have been unconsciously seeking something to ground me here, so I contacted an ex-girlfriend(the one who got away). Boy was that a mistake, all
those old feelings boiling up trying to contain what I really wanted to say; failure on an epic proportion. She actually dumped her current boyfriend
that day when I called her, had breakfast on a Sunday and everything was going alright.
Then Friday she changed plans, convinced me to go out downtown; I did, hated it, I even drank one beer, yeah that doesn't happen very often.
Anyways, long story short, we had a good bye hug, I knew deep down it was the Good Bye hug. A couple days later, that is when the panic mode came
into full swing, I have been contemplating my options: I'm intelligent, hard working, adaptable, courteous etc, unfortunately on paper I am
So, there is absolutely nothing keeping me here; I have no reason to stay, and every reason to leave. I have been longing for a purpose in life, to
unlock my full potential, I was stupid in my early twenties but the past is dead and there is nothing I can do to change that now.
I am left with only one good option, which could possibly the best decision I make in my life, or the worst; I am getting my affairs in order, and
plan to join the military. I almost joined at age 20, but the major turn off was the lies, it just didn't sit well for me.
Now, I have spent the past few months weighing this option. I have come to the conclusion, it is my only option. I'm leaning towards either Air
Force or Army, when I took the ASVAB a decade ago, my score was 95, I'm not too worried about that part. I know the training will be rigorous, but I
am confident I can hack it, have been working out more and getting myself mentally prepared.
I've had my criticisms about government over the years, but my perspective on life has changed. This is the jungle, there is no place for morality;
only strength, cunning, and ruthlessness. I do want to see a better world, I know I have the potential to actually change it, but the logistics are a
Since I've finally come to the conclusion and getting things off my chest, my panic mode has been subsiding.
I do have a question:
I was hyper-critical of the government during the Bush years, which I began noticing certain people keeping tabs on me in my daily life. At first, I
felt like being an ass and goading them, purchasing certain technical literature that would raise red flags. Then, it became very overt, basically
taunting me and I actually started to get scared; started taking kung fu classes and learning up on surveillance/countersurveillance. After Obama was
elected, the surveillance became more subtle, an agent parked across the street from the old house I lived in, or a predator drone flying overhead
during Ferguson riots.
What should I expect with this?
I probably won't voluntarily bring that stuff up, but I have a feeling my dossier is heavy. The only defense I have on that front is to be honest,
'can't beat 'um, join 'um' and I have never advocated for violence against the government.
Thanks for your time, hoping for the best, if it comes to the worst: one in the head, one in the chest.