Perfectionist parenting creates anxious kids {!DOH! an important fact though}

From mnn Mother Nature Network
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by Jenn Savedge
27 June 2016
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Subtitle:
REsearchers suggest helicopter parenting may keep kids from making--and learning from--mistakes

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www.mnn.com...
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The study, published in the Journal of Personality, found that children of helicopter parents are more likely to become anxious and depressed adults who are terrified of making mistakes. Researchers from the National University of Singapore led by Ryan Hong, Ph.D., an assistant professor at the school, came to this conclusion after studying several hundred kids ages 7 to 10 over a five-year period.
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Hong found that 60 percent of the children of helicopter parents were highly critical of themselves and less likely to be tolerant of even the smallest mistakes, while 78 percent of these kids believed the world expected them to be perfect. The research team did not follow the children long enough to make any direct connections between helicopter parenting and anxiety or depression among the kids, but Hong noted that this yearning for perfection and fear of making mistakes could set the stage for issues down the road.
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Hong suggested parents focus on supporting their children in their endeavors without taking over their lives — even if that means scraped knees, broken hearts and the occasional low grade. After all, kids who feel free to make mistakes — and know how to recover from them — are more likely to spread their wings and fly than those whose parents hover over them.

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I think this is a very important issue.
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Clearly the RAD related insecurities of the parents are being passed on to their children.
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And, the parents have an outrageous need to feel worth more by their children excelling every way possible in life. I've lived in the region and have seen it close-up.
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But perfectionism can come in several flavors. It is not ALWAYS obsessive, intrusive hands on manipulation and SMOTHERING.
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Sometimes it is merely the insufferable "Oh, you got 99% on your test. WHY DIDN'T YOU GET 100% TRY HARDER NEXT TIME!"
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GRRRR.
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Sometimes perfectionism can be communicated by subtle to not so subtle voice tones communicating disappointment with a child's performance.
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All children NEED to KNOW that they are VALUED, CHERISHED, LOVED merely for being your children; merely for being the unique child that each one is. It's not a low priority option if convenient. IT IS A HUGE NEED. And too many parents fail to rise to the requirement of good parenting on that score.
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It would help if such parents would recall how THEY felt when THEIR parents treated them similarly--vs merely acting out the same dysfunctional abuse and poor parenting.
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Giving constructive feedback WHEN FITTING, is one thing. Being an obsessive, manipulative, coercive, smothering perfectionist overtly or covertly is DESTRUCTIVE.
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Search "Perfectionism" on the web. It's NOT a pretty picture.
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Too often, individuals spend 80% of the time on a task or issue dealing with 20% of the task or issue--and too often, tooooo much of that 20% is UTTERLY INCONSEQUENTIAL and at least very minor. That translates into PERFECTIONISTS NOT SUCCEEDING IN LIFE near as much as those who are more laid-back and who focus more on the higher priorities.
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One of the best Pastors I ever had used to teach constantly: MAJOR IN MAJORS and minor in minors. INDEED.
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Don't sweat the small stuff. And up to 95% of it is likely small stuff.
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edit on 2/7/2016 by BO XIAN because: added

Thats why I just give mine up for adoption, who has time to helicopter when I got a life to live?

a reply to: Lysergic

Whether that's a serious comment, or not . . .

Welllllllllllllllllllllllllll, actually, seriously

WHEN parents are unable and/or unwilling

to MAKE TIME for quality parenting

then the most loving thing to do is give them up for adoption, imho.

I hate seeing kids rearing kids . . . in such horrifically dysfunctional ways.

Not considering the amount of time an energy a parent nowadays spends covering up when child messes up. Hell , let em learn the hard way. Do em good .

a reply to: Gothmog

We all tend to learn more from our mistakes than we do our successes.

However, I do think it is a parent's job, duty to insure that the consequences of immature mistakes do not blow the child out of the water permanently way into adulthood.

Some is a preventing aspect of parenting wisely.

Some is a moderating the risk.

Some is helping pick up the pieces very effectively.

I don't know about attempting to achieve "perfection", but I have seen how a hovering parent can seriously damage a growing child. My sister in law has always been way too open, at too young, with her older children. Explaining sex and the whole shabang to her girls, at around age 5- and it must have been way too much information. Somehow, the kids have developed "bad thought OCD", and have become obsessive about anything that could remotely have to do with sexuality. (They freak out when my 4 year old fails to shut the bathroom door all the way.)

This overload of information, coupled with their mothers' obsession with "modesty" (the kids have a hard time seeing anyone in tank tops, short shorts, bikinis), has created a huge mess. The 7 year old is now on Zoloft, having expressed a desire to not live

And to complicate matters, the mother has now totally flipped and decided that her previous attitude concerning dress is wrong and went out and bought a bunch of tank tops and such for her kids, making them wear clothes that she had previously demonized. (I know. This sounds bat$#+ crazy.... Obsessed with clothing, but this has been a huge thing for this family). So the kids were indoctrinated to believe something so hardcore - via the mom hovering and telling them how inappropriate certain things are, badgering it into their little minds, and now she retracts it all. She doesn't look for perfection in academics or sports, but these other crazy things. And I feel so bad for the kids. They are distributed due to their mother.

a reply to: chelsdh

YUCK! GADS!

WHAT A MESS, INDEED.

I wonder if the RAD ATTACHMENTS book by DRs Sibcy and Clinton would be of any use with her.

She obviously has her own serious RAD that's she's passing on ever so dysfunctionally faithfully to her girls. Sigh.

I assume you are a light of stability and balance in their lives? Someone needs to be.

Thanks for sharing the personal narrative.

a reply to: BO XIAN

I try to be a light- by being very open about my mental health struggles. I have told the kids that people have issues all the time, and that they are not abnormal. But in all honesty, I think not discussing it helps more, since it's so highlighted by their mother. She talks about it constantly, like picking at a scab. I think the poor kids need a break from that world.

a reply to: chelsdh

I think that's a very wise insight and stance.

CONGRATS ON YOUR WISDOM

AND ON YOUR CARING.

May you have many fun and emotionally connected hours with them. And may you be richly rewarded for your efforts in their behalf.

And congrats on your own progress in growth and healing. You might find that RAD book worthwhile, too.

Cheers.

Right now we're working hard to explain "always do your best" does not mean "always have to win."

originally posted by: ketsuko
Right now we're working hard to explain "always do your best" does not mean "always have to win."

Sounds good to me.

The destructive perfectionism . . . has a kind of desperate striving to it.

A feeling that without achieving it, one will be virtually worthless.

Only, perfectionism is not achievable for mortals in this life, normally.

So the person chronically continues to feel worthless . . . ever since the early childhood RAD . . . that perfectionism strives to compensate for.

Doing one's best in a healthy way is merely maturity, responsible and self-disciplined. In fitting proportions, those are very healthy things.

a reply to: BO XIAN

I enjoy games. I used to think there'd never be a day that I would stop playing good old fashioned pen and paper D&D. Today, really only video games. I stopped playing D&D altogether.


The reason? Everyone wants "the best"...or to be "perfect". What's the best "build" for a character? What is THE best gun in that video game?

I have only seen this in the younger gamers...the ones say, under 30.

I *firmly* believe this is a result of the very same patenting the article presents.

Is it any wonder that the millennials today are only satisfied with "the best" ?

EXCELLENT POINTS.

I think you are likely quite right and definitely perceptive and insightful.

Thanks.

originally posted by: nullafides
a reply to: BO XIAN

I enjoy games. I used to think there'd never be a day that I would stop playing good old fashioned pen and paper D&D. Today, really only video games. I stopped playing D&D altogether.


The reason? Everyone wants "the best"...or to be "perfect". What's the best "build" for a character? What is THE best gun in that video game?

I have only seen this in the younger gamers...the ones say, under 30.

I *firmly* believe this is a result of the very same patenting the article presents.

Is it any wonder that the millennials today are only satisfied with "the best" ?

a reply to: nullafides

In P&P my husband used to love those players, the min-maxers. He'd let them get away with it to a point (he hd to preserve party balance), but in order to min-max, you always left yourself with a massive vulnerability, and he was not above exploiting that vulnerability ruthlessly as the GM.

Most games make it impossible to min-max and create the truly perfect character, just characters that are really strong in some areas that people consider extremely important. A smart GM can then find the backdoor to knock those characters over without hardly trying. Sometimes, players enjoy this challenge, and when they do, they're worth keeping around. When they don't, they pretty quickly leave the group and no one cares.

a reply to: BO XIAN

Well, thank you

I try to be very realistic, and balanced with my children. Times have changed. I can not use my belt the way my father used his. I don't necessarily think this is 100% of a good thing.

But, parents need to be proactive. And, they need to apply common sense.


Common sense, it would seem, is more rare than diamonds.

a reply to: ketsuko

Well, for me..... it just ruined the experience.

"Best", "Perfect"....

What about playing, simply to play? Make mistakes, and learn from them, yet, still enjoy the experience overall?


No. That's not what is valued anymore.


Thank you, parents. Thank you.

a reply to: nullafides

That was part of it. Every character making session came with the warning that there was no "best" or "perfect" character, just characters who could be very good at one thing or another at the expense of something else.

Learning that sometimes well-rounded was the sounder approach was part of learning.

I'm not sure I exclusively blame parents though. There is the l33t mentality in lots of toon building video games that finds a combination of mechanics that makes a build that can be very efficient at its job. A lot of times, that build becomes what gets called the "flavor of the month" and you will see all the l33t kiddies running around with it because they think that if they have it, it will automatically make them a good player and good enough to run with anyone on any team.

Thing is that having a good build only compensates for lack of innate ability so far. A lot of the most desperate l33t kiddies also suffer from L2P (learn to play), meaning they really don't understand what they are doing. So, IMO min-maxing a lot of times is actually a need to compensate. It hides a lack of confidence. It's a response to not being confident that you will be able to play well, so you want to character to be able to compensate for your lack of ability to come up with good ideas on the fly at the tabletop.

a reply to: ketsuko



You are very right.... World of Warcraft is what I predominantly blame.

And also, I blame our "WIN" culture. Everyone wants to be the best.

At the end of the day, I feel that parents are highly culpable for not working to teach their children that sometimes, playing, or other things in life...are about the experience...and not about "winning".

originally posted by: nullafides
a reply to: ketsuko



You are very right.... World of Warcraft is what I predominantly blame.

And also, I blame our "WIN" culture. Everyone wants to be the best.

At the end of the day, I feel that parents are highly culpable for not working to teach their children that sometimes, playing, or other things in life...are about the experience...and not about "winning".

& @ketsuko,

ABSOLUTELY INDEED. Great points y'all have been making. Thanks.

I'll spare us both further blathering about RAD as the underlying, foundational source of all such. LOL.

LOTS OF THINGS just don't matter

THAT much . . . to be all frothing at the mouth; irate; depressed; frenetic; obsessive . . . etc. about.