posted on Mar, 29 2016 @ 02:22 AM
I'm a failure as a human, I can't hold a job for long, I dropped out of college despite good grades, I have many natural talents, but no inclination
towards fostering them. Time and again I start to climb out of my hole, manage some success, and then the depression and anxiety hits, and even
though I know what I must do, what I have to do, I hit a wall, sometimes I can break through, but eventually I submit, it's a fight I cannot win
every time, sometimes I'm going to lose. In our working society it takes but a few loses to be out of a job. Miss a few days, and your hunting for
work again. Expected to work 6 or more days a week, a 5 day week is a rare luxury. I try to make it, I liked my last job and this job a lot, I love
the people I'm working with and I'm good at my job. But no matter how much I want this job, no matter how much I like working here, the people I
work with, and the pay potential to remove my debt and make me free of debt slavery, I'm here tonight, once again having failed to break through the
I will never be successful, I will fail time and time again, I'm 36 almost 37 it's time I accept a pattern of failure. I cannot meet the demand of
society. I'm simply not capable. I'm intelligent, decently skilled and sociable, but I fall apart now and then, I have severe breakdowns and
simply put, that's not acceptable in the working world I can't meet their demands. I'm not the only one. There are a lot of us out there. We're
not workaholics and we never will be. I take pride in my work, but I just don't have the emotional stamina to keep it up day after day. I'm a
leech on society, I've depended on my dad, my brother, and my friends on numerous occasions as the inevitable breakdowns occur and it's happening
There's a lot of suicide in my family, I've felt the pains of loved ones who've killed themselves, and even knowing that, I've started the motions
myself once. When I'm in this state, I fight that desire for release simply for my loved ones. Part of me, a part I hate, sometimes wishes my loved
ones would die, simply so I could rest guilt free.
I see often how we're told, if we want to not live desperate horrible lives, it's our fault. We're expected to be superhuman, to never get sick,
never have a bad day, never fall. We're to work harder than our coworkers, work seven days a week, twelve hours a day if we have to. We need to do
this and college, graduate with honors, have a 4.0 and manage to have years of experience, each and every one of us. That if we do this we'll be
successful, and if we cannot, it's our fault and we deserve what we get. If we can't get and hold a well paying job, we belong in the gutter.
So my question is why even that? Just kill us all. We can't succeed, and we're clearly worthless by the standards of the modern working world. We
don't deserve government help, and if we can get it, we shouldn't use it. Clearly I'm not worth anything, nor are others like me. I could offer a
lot, I'm smart, I'm capable, I just can't compete in a world where the demands are work, work, work, never stop, never falter. I'm big on
learning, I research for fun, I spend my free time being a creative person, I could be so much more, but in the world I live I'm doomed to a life of
failure and mediocrity. Not because I have nothing to offer, but because I have no opportunity to put my gifts to use, because I can't meet the
demands of a workaholic world. I'm a gifted but broken human being. I have no place in this world.
So why am I alive, what reason is there for people like me to live? We can't meet the standards for success, not because we lack skill or talent,
but because we're emotionally broken people, we could offer so much, but instead we struggle to live, and if we dare seek help, we're nothing but
leeches. No matter how much we contribute when we're functional, those times we break they overshadow all of it.
I'm clearly weak in our society, and a drain. So to are others like me. I'll always be at the bottom except for small periods of my life where I
can function like a normal human being before the inevitable fall, so will they.
Do all of us who cannot compete in a 7 day a week work force deserve to fail? Is such a demand fair? If it is, how many chances am I to recieve
before I'm culled as the week useless individual I am?