Even in death, the jabs keep coming

My dearest husband (DH) has always had an estranged relationship with his father. The woman who became his stepmother had an affair with his father and broke up his marriage. She contributed to a lot of emotional and physical abuse his entire childhood. She had on one child from a previous marriage and one child with DH's father. Her child from another marriage was murdered about 22 years ago.

Over the past 15 years, we have rarely spoken to or visited DH's father because of the blatant cruelty towards us and favoritism shown to his stepmonster's children. DH simply decided that he didn't want our children exposed to that because his father would never intervene.

So last night we learned that DH's father had a heart attack and died. His younger brother (stepmonster's son) is who called and told us. DH made arrangements to come home for the funeral since we live about 800 miles away. He was going to take our children with him. Until he looked at the obituary online today. His brother and stepmonster completely failed to mention him, his other full brother, or our children. They did mention the murdered "son" who wasn't really his son. DH called his brother and confronted him about the obituary. His response was "you didn't visit him in life so why should you be acknowledged in death?"

I'm furious... Downright livid. What a petty, low down, disrespectful thing to do to someone. DH's father never once stood up for his two sons from his first marriage. Never once sent him a birthday card, Christmas card, nada. I shouldn't be surprised at this slight, but I hurt for DH who is very upset. The obituary goes out of the way to list ONE son and all the other relatives, grandchildren, etc. But says nothing about DH, his brother, or our children.

DH says he hopes his father is burning in hell and karma bus drives down his brother's/stepmonster's street soon. So sad....

a reply to: CIAGypsy

Family....

Can't kill em...

and

Can't kill em...

Lot of anger there, and one side of the story. Who knows the whole story? Don't expect us to be co-dependents in this misery.

a reply to: schuyler

Nice to know that you justify the abuse of children....

Why even post in this thread if you have nothing supportive to add? Move on....

originally posted by: CIAGypsy
a reply to: schuyler

Nice to know that you justify the abuse of children....

Why even post in this thread if you have nothing supportive to add? Move on....

That is just about the silliest response. "I" justify the "abuse of children."???????

No. Actually, I eat babies for lunch.

Completely absurd. You're telling one side of a story and coming here on ATS expecting everyone to say, "Oh, you poor baby!" We don't know ANYTHING about this issue except what YOU have provided. I expect that "brother" in this story has a completely different story to tell, but you won't be sharing that, will you?

a reply to: CIAGypsy
I wouldn't let StepMonsters, Inc dictate the way your husband mourns.

The funeral is more for the living than for the dead. Without knowing anything about the situation except for the OP, I would say if your husband wants to go and say goodbye (for lack of a better word), then he should go. He loses little by going but if he doesn't go it may bother him for decades.

Best wishes.

a reply to: schuyler

As I said before, if you have nothing supportive to add, please move on. This is a sensitive topic to my family which I am ranting about here because I have no where else to release my frustration.

You want to know the truth about his father and stepmonster? He used to beat up DH and his mother when he was a toddler. Continued to abuse him even after the divorce and remarriage to stepmonster. When he was about 8 yrs old, DH and his brother baked his father a birthday cake. His stepmonster returned the cake uneaten with a note stating they were not allowed to bring it to their dad because it didn't come from "her children." He used to buy them 2nd hand Christmas presents from garage sales and then turn around and sell the presents off as soon as they left to go back to their mothers. Oh, but stepmonster's children got anything and everything they wanted, regardless of cost.

This crap went on all the time for years. But once stepmonster started doing cruel, heartless things to our kids, DH said no more. That's when we stopped going by. And DH's father never once asked why or made any effort to reach out to us. Not once in 15 years.

So yeah, his younger brother is his stepmonster's child. He is a petty, greedy, jealous kid who doesn't want to acknowledge the fact that his father had another family who has been written off like a dirty little secret.

So if you have nothing positive to add, go take a long walk off a short pier and mind your own business

a reply to: eluryh22

I agree and told him he should go.... I told him he shouldn't let stepmonster and his brother steal that opportunity away from him to say goodbye. He was his father's firstborn child. And regardless of all the physical and emotional abuse, he still loved his dad and always wanted approval which he never got because of stepmonster

Take out another obit and add yourselves in. Be the bigger people and leave them in as well but add something that 'due to a clerical oversight' you were originally left out.

Kill em with kindness.

originally posted by: CIAGypsy

Over the past 15 years, we have rarely spoken to or visited DH's father because of the blatant cruelty towards us and favoritism shown to his stepmonster's children. DH simply decided that he didn't want our children exposed to that because his father would never intervene.

That would seem to have been a wise decision.

So last night we learned that DH's father had a heart attack and died. His younger brother (stepmonster's son) is who called and told us.... His brother and stepmonster completely failed to mention him, his other full brother, or our children.... DH called his brother and confronted him about the obituary. His response was "you didn't visit him in life so why should you be acknowledged in death?"

I'm furious... Downright livid.... I shouldn't be surprised at this slight, but I hurt for DH who is very upset.

No, sadly, you shouldn't. But it's probably a blessing in disguise. Your husband did cut his dad and his family out of his life, and of course they're going to use it against him. They have to blame your husband... otherwise they'd have to blame themselves for coming between a father and his son... and that's just not going to happen. Your husband was a big enough person to try to rise above the past ugliness. They were not. Imagine how much worse it would have been if he had gone? And with the children! He dodged a bullet. He can make his peace with his father in his own way in his own time at home, where he belongs, with the family that loves him most.

a reply to: CIAGypsy

I'd encourage you & your husband to go anyway. If you 2 don't feel comfortable going to the funeral itself because of the potential hostility, you can always go to the early visitation or even just visit the grave afterward. And if that side of the family doesn't physically recognize either of you, you could always just go as "guests". There may even be family members there that you can reason with & explain the situation to. That's obviously not the ideal situation. And we had something similar happen on my father's side of the family when his deadbeat dad died. But if your husband just needs closure, going before or after the actual funeral may still help him.

There's also always the chance that those family members are trying to hide or alter the father's will, or create circumstances that prevent your husband from following through on an unknown stipulation in the father's will. Just this Ramadan, both of my parents went over most of their wills with us. My Mom placed a ridiculous but honorable stipulation on me to do certain things to help my younger brother. I have a love-hate relationship with him, and though it's cooled down in the last 2 years or so, the rivalry is still there. So there's always the chance that there's something in there that's being manipulated by the other side of the family.

Either way, sorry for your loss & hope that helps.

originally posted by: AugustusMasonicus

Take out another obit and add yourselves in. Be the bigger people and leave them in as well but add something that 'due to a clerical oversight' you were originally left out.

Kill em with kindness.

I was just going to suggest this. It is an excellent idea.
To the OP, I've seen this sorta behavior in the step's before and it is heartbreaking for the real and or first children. My condolences to your SO, even though he is mad at his dad. Hopefully, he can grieve through the pain his father caused and let it go. That's all one can do, release the pain and or anger. If you believe in prayer, pray for the pain and anger to be released and let go. Exercise and deep breathing can help the body deal with negative emotions.
May your husband find peace.

Hay CIA, don't get upset about the trolls.

I read your account and related. All though the story sounds incredible it isn't beyond reality.
I am so sorry for you and your family.
For me, I am still not past the injustice done, all though it is all most thirty years ago.
How does a person maintain integrity when the whole world is up side down?

Thank you everyone for the SUPPORTIVE advice... This is the kind of perspective that I need.

DH just got off the phone with his grandmother (DH's father's mother). She is really upset at the $hi**y trick that stepmonster/brother have done with the obituary. She said that several family members are furious about it and that he has done nothing wrong. They are telling him that he and the kids should go because THEY want them there too.

Unfortunately, I cannot go due to work constraints which worries me even more. I trust his extended family to be supportive of him and our kids but I also expect his brother to be confrontational and show his @$$

originally posted by: AugustusMasonicus

Take out another obit and add yourselves in. Be the bigger people and leave them in as well but add something that 'due to a clerical oversight' you were originally left out.

Kill em with kindness.

Excellent idea!

CIAGypsy, I am very sorry to hear of the history of your Husbands family. I have a Nephew who has a Daughter and Step Daughter and you would never know that she wasn't his own biological child. The entire family, his Mom, Dad, Aunts and Uncles, Great Aunts and Uncles, Grandparents and Great Grandparents, always treated her as one of our own with all the love in the world and feel she is a blessing to the family. It is so sad to hear it is different in some families.

Your Husband should go to the funeral and the graveyard, he was his Father's first born and has every right. I'm sure his Dad, where he is now, realizes he has done wrong and loves his Son. Your Husband needs closure and I'm sure he will regret it if he doesn't go. If the others make a scene, it is themselves who will look bad, not your husband. HUGS!

Think of it as closure.

a reply to: CIAGypsy

Oh just saw your post above. I'm glad he has supportive family members. I feel better now.

a reply to: CIAGypsy

ciagypsy sending you and hubby and kids some ((((((((hugs)))))), spouting off is exactly what this thread is for, especially when you are alone and have no one to talk to.....I was part of a (first family) dad remarried.....we were there when he was dying but were not told when the funeral/memorial was because...... they didn't have pictures of us....

all they needed to do was have someone from the family call one of us...but....no....it is what it is-.... grieving is different for everyone...even though your husbands' father has passed, if he needs to, he can write a letter to say everything he needs to say to him ...and his choice of what to do with it ( read out loud, burn, toss out, put in a drawer)....they say it can be really helpful to people who don't get a chance to say goodbye.....

Someone brought up something about a will and the mobile app won't let me reply directly....

Just wanted to say that DH assumed decades ago that stepmonster would NEVER allow him or his brother to inherit anything from their father. It will all go to her and her son. Honestly, DH doesn't care about any of that.... The only thing he ever wanted was his father's love and approval. Now he has to come to grips with the fact that it is something forever out of reach and he must accept himself without it.

I hurt for him because that kind of pain and disappointment is so raw and fresh.... And the hatefulness coming from his stepmonster and brother is digging into raw pain, purposefully.

a reply to: research100

Thank you very much.... That sounds like an excellent idea and I will be sure to bring it up to him.

I've also told him to take out his own obit but he is on the fence about it. Says he just wants to say goodbye to his dad and be done with it. He doesn't want to start a war with his brother... DH is a funeral director and embalmer so I know he knows the process and what he should do... He's just struggling to control his shock, pain, and disappointment.