It's over, CRUSHED!

Well I lost the love of my life, someone I've loved, mostly in secret, for many years. It wasn't because I didn't love him or he didn't love me. It was his mother, yup. The reason I never said I liked him all these years was because of his mother, no matter how many times she said we belonged together, I knew she would sabotage it and boy did she ever! A new level of low and betrayal from someone I looked up to for years!

It started out perfectly then in May she turned, fast. I told him my concerns and he didn't see it and kept saying she loves us together even though as a woman I could sense that wasn't the case. Well we broke up and a month later he showed up telling me how much he loved me and wanted to be with me no matter what she said. This woman never had a problem with me until I dated her son. She knows what kind of person I am and what kind I am not. Well he and I got back together and thats when the crazy began. His mother started taking pot shots at him for being with me. I mean down right mean and vile things she would say to him. Verbal abuse to the extreme! He would stick up for me and take her crap, which made his life hell. He would stay with me and tell me things she was saying and I was dumb founded. I never knew that side of her, let's just say i didn't know her at all and clearly neither does her son.

This went on until the end of November, then he ended it because it was all too much. I was deeply hurt of course yet I understood what he was dealing with. We wanted to get a place together but she has him convinced he has to stay with her and his sister to survive even though he and I figured out our budget with helping his mom and sister have their own place. Well a week after we broke up his mom and sister showed up at my place to "apologize." It didn't sit right with me, the entire conversation didn't. She told me they were moving to NC and wanted me to come yet she said many times in between her fake apology that he would choose her over love and I would see that. I thought that was rude and creepy! It's not the first time she made comments about he and I like that. She told me times before if she didn't want him with me she would make sure I wasn't, all things to intimidate me. I wasn't intimidated by her at all. I always knew they were all very close and even a bit too close but I accepted them all. She also told me that night she asked my ex husband for $3000! I was like wtf! I again just said ok and filed it in my brain, well they left and she said oh call Sean now he will be so happy. I did and he was, so happy and in tears. All he ever wanted was for them to treat me the way the always did and he wanted the same respect he gave them. Not much to ask if you ask me! I told him what she said about moving and he said he wanted to stay here with me and that if he couldn't live without them he wouldn't want to get a place with me. He said he wanted to start a life with me separate from them and I agreed. We just wanted to be together without the constant drama she caused.

It was alway something when he stayed with me. She would call and say she was scared (yea give me a break) or she was sick or he should be at the house so it wasn't empty. She has this insane control over him and his sister. They both feel the need to please her and never upset her. It's crazy! Well after he and I talked and we're discussing moving in together days later he just stopped talking to me, he's never done that. I was like wtf. So I waited and finally went to his house. He was upset and said I lied and betrayed him. I was like wtf! When he told me that his mother never said the things she did say to me that night I knew what she had done. She said I was a liar and she would never say that he would choose her over love. She said it and her daughter was sitting right there!!! She also said she never asked my ex for money which is a lie because my ex confirmed it. She did get him to choose her over me but with lies and deceit.

The other night he called me. I was very upset and told him I didn't make anything up. His mother was in the background calling me names like a damn child! I could hear her saying "I would never say that I wanted you two together." She's so full of it! Well later I called him back and she answered and went off on me then told me that she didn't just love her son but she was in love with him! I was so sick after that, so many behaviors of hers over the years made sense with him. She's twisted and sick. He really believes her. It hurts because when he finds the truth out one day it will crush him. He was so hurt thinking I did this yet SHE DID and is proud of it!

I can't even begin to express how all this has hurt and damaged me. I really loved his mother for years. I looked up to her. I loved how they were all close and there for each other yet I clearly didn't see the big picture. She controls both her grown kids lives! It's so sad because they don't know any better. Yes they're grown but they've been so brainwashed by their mother and her lies and constant deceit they can't see how she is. So many things over the years make sense to me now. It hurts so deep. I trusted her endlessly! She knows I love her son very much but because of her sick love for him she can't stand another woman in his life. The things she would do and say are that of a jealous female who can't have the man she wants. He even admitted how her need for control was an issue.

So here I am again, heartbroken. I had never had someone love me like he did, he was everything I ever wanted. We both had a thing for each other over the years but never said a word. I think in some way he knew what could happen but he took a chance because he fell in love. We were great together, it was like being with my best friend. I never had a relationship like that yet our only obstacle was his mother. I honestly never thought she would stoop so low and do the things she has done. She always wanted us together and made comments for years yet when it happens she does all of this? Why??! She hurt not only me but her own son! He will be so hurt when he finds out. It will probably be years but it will come out. I only hope his sister who was there steps up but she too is in her mothers grasp!

As much as I love him though I don't think I could ever be with him even if he wanted to. I don't trust his mother. I did but with all she has done I could never do it again. It hurts me more she hurt him than me and is fine with it! As long as he stays with her I guess!

You can know someone for years and yet never really know them. That's the worst part in all of this. I trusted his entire family and they turned on me and him and us.

a reply to: mblahnikluver

Learn to love yourself honey! You don't need a man to define who you are and you have a lovely toddler to raise.Speaking as an old fart, looking for love leads to kissing a lot of toads. Not looking for love? Hits you when you least expect it!



You seem to have a lot to offer the right man, let him find you......

originally posted by: seeker1963
a reply to: mblahnikluver

Learn to love yourself honey! You don't need a man to define who you are and you have a lovely toddler to raise.Speaking as an old fart, looking for love leads to kissing a lot of toads. Not looking for love? Hits you when you least expect it!

You seem to have a lot to offer the right man, let him find you......

Thanks Seeker!

I know I don't need a man and he was very unexpected! I always thought I had a better chance of winning the lotto than dating him. Lol he made the move that started it all. I wasn't looking when he came along and boy he hit me, well knocked me off my feet!

It just hurts that his mother would be so cruel. I have known these people for years. I never thought she would do such a thing. It's beyond cruel.

I love my mom to bits, and like a mother, she is contantly thinking nobody is good enough for any of her kids.

but she is ignored there. you love who you love and moms have no control over that aspect. Some people allow their parents to call the shots, and the end up alone or with someone they simply don't like.

Anyhow, give it time, someone new will pop into your life that only looks to you and him/herself when considering if they want to be with you.

The incest hint is weird...tbh, might be good that you got away from that situation..god knows what their past was like

Anyhow, I don't know you too well, but the bits I do know about you knows you are actually a pretty good catch, move on, find sanity and fun verses drama and strangeness. let them have their odd life in peace I guess.

a reply to: mblahnikluver

Sounds very familiar... I just went though this last year

I feel for ya hun... I know i'll never be the same after what happen to me

Though perhaps its all a learning experience...

and I have hope for the future, whatever it may hold

Much love!

I know how you feel.

I have scars on arms and legs because I couldnt cope.

Plz dont let it get to you,I know its easier said than done.
That person is not worthy of your feelings and times.

You will be ok, time has an uncanny way of dealing with things.
My advice is, try to not hate.

My thoughts are with you x

a reply to: mblahnikluver

As much as I empathise with your situation, I feel far more sorry him. His mother will probably never let him be happy until the day she dies by which point, his best years will be gone and he'll be a husk of a man.

#Saddening :-(

Eta: Keep your chin up Queen Grey :-)

a reply to: mblahnikluver

I have been reading about your misfortunes with this guy for awhile without commenting. Love yourself and your child! At this point a man will distract you from the years of your little one that are the most important. Focus on pleasing a man to get him in your life, you will end up regretting focusing on that rather than your child.


I feel the guilt of making that decision when my daughter was a little girl and I felt I needed a woman in my life. Those are days I can NEVER get back.


I really wish you the best!

Sounds like his mom lost his dad and is projecting the father role on to him. She is jealous, and wants to control. The mother needs to go in to in-house therapy, where they have lovely designer jackets, and rooms with carpeted walls, and lovely meals that lull one to peaceful sleep either by ingestion or injection.

If that wasn't clear enough, the mother is bat-sheet crazy and needs to go to the nut house. She has an unhealthy attachment to her kids, and needs to control because she lost her mate/husband/"the father to the kids" and / or has a tumor or chem imbalance in her brain.

a reply to: mblahnikluver

Better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.

originally posted by: threeeyesopen
a reply to: mblahnikluver

Better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.

yeah...

Try it sometime

I would have preferred the latter

a reply to: Skada

Sounds like his mom lost his dad and is projecting the father role on to him.

I have seen this type of transference a few times before. It is always hard on the child because they can never live up to the dead father's image, in their own eyes, and will always feel inadequate or less than.

The strange thing is, that I have seen where it was just the opposite in the mother's eyes. Where the mother sees their young son, as exceeding all hopes that they had for the dead husband, and often will try to mold their son into this fantasy person, they wished they had married.

It can get out of hand, and the mother can actually fall in love with the son. Incestuous relationships can develop from this kind of situation.

The victim in these type of relationships is always the child, whether there is intervention or not.

Already been said sorry.

count your blessings, it sounds like you dodged a bullet. He`s still a child if you ended up with him you wouldn`t be his wife, you`d be his mother.

a reply to: Akragon

I have and I've been married and cheated on, trust me I know how it feels.

It all serves to make you stronger.

Actually i think you are better off without them. She seems to be narcistic and is afraid losing her grip over her children... she actually needs help and therapy and so does her children. It seems she tried to manipulate your affair ( just like everything in her life most likely ) when things didn´t go as she pleased she played nasty game... and played you out
I feel for you.. you propably would like to help but her children should wake up and see the problem themselves.

Sad
I am sure there is special someone for you... just wait.

Families are a total pain in the hindsight.

Obviously, I know nothing about nothing, except what you've said in your post, but this guy is probably a bit too messed up from all the maternal manipulation for a healthy relationship. It's clearly there and clearly unresolved. She'll probably die before he deals with it.

Even if everything had worked out, once you two had settled down a bit, he was probably going to start treating you as a proxy to his mother, which would have been all the nice pleasy stuff at the start, the bits that make you feel loved, but he would have gone all resentful and nasty eventually.

Mourn what might have been and keep going, chances are, you dodged a bullet. (That's an expression, I don't mean it literally, though who knows with Americans)

If you two get back together, as such things tene to go, do yourself a favour the first time he says his mother was right about you, leave, as quickly as you reasonably can. The beatings usually start shortly after, all that rage will need a target and it won't be his mother.

a reply to: mblahnikluver

I know you're in pain...but please believe that the pain will pass and you'll be stronger and wiser because of this.
His mother is showing the classic signs of being (for lack of a better term) a control freak. She first said she wanted you together with her son...because she could be the one in control.

The moment the attachment between her son and you took hold, it was inevitable she would want to reassert her control to sabotage and end it. Control again.

She is an insecure and badly damaged human being. Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do about her.
Feel better...and keep your chin up.
This, too, will pass.

a reply to: mblahnikluver

So very sorry to read your heartache.

But!!! Did he ever love you? I ask not because I doubt that you think that, but rather because it does not seem to me like he ever did. Sounds to me like he is the kind of person who will use other people to make his excuses for him.

I have known people who do that, and it is compounded by enablers, manipulation is the method and the end game is whatever they want until...they don't want it anymore.

You are better off without the man if I can be so forthright.

My best wishes for you.

Many people suck. Try to find the ones that don't.

And you need to find the subcategory of people who don't suck and also have the wisdom to ignore the ones in their lives that do... suck, that is.

It all comes down to math.

And incest is icky not only for odd babies but for the twisted, unhealthy psychology often attached to it.

Thus, you had a guy who didn't suck, but who lacked the wisdom to ignore his hugely sucking mother and was also immersed in an (at least psychologically) incestuous relationship... so two bad vs one good = one suckage.

I hope that helps to clarify it for you.

But really, not being cute or anything, I wish you the best and know love can and does drive people insane every day... and at least you were driven insane, right? Here's to new experiences!