Thanks for your time.

I struggled with where to place this OP, but I settled here. It seems everyday we are forced to come to the realization that there are very few things we have control over. There is a need on my part to constantly remind myself that life is genuinely constructed to cause us the most consternation possible. Followed by constipation. Anticipation. Hallucination.

I am therefore I be.

Reality when it comes to any relationship is often misguided and cloaked in mystery. Very few show their true colors until that proverbial "CRAP" hits the fan. Then and only then do we see reality for what it truly is.

If you are face to face with an insurmountable obstacle of any kind how do you overcome or deal with the prospect that the reality is not possible to change? Acceptance.

Unfortunately, accepting something can not be changed is often harder than the obstacle itself. Banging your head into a brick wall over and over again will not change anything other than the feeling in your head of that pounding, throbbing vein bulging out about to explode.

I have been through the wringer many times and the only way I can get through the process is to continually say this grouping of words to myself until I am blind.

Give me the ability to accept the things I can not change (people, places, things);
Give me the ability to change the things that I can (me, myself, I)
Give me the ability to understand the difference.

Fairly self explanatory, right? Only, having the ability to understand the difference is not so simple or rather accepting the things I can not change is incredibly difficult when that reality is constantly banging itself into my head begging for change. This is where the relationship part of the equation comes in.

We do have a choice when it comes to the relationships we have with various situations. We do have the ability to decide what commitment is necessary. Work, family, love, friends, acquaintances, strangers, animals; all require some form of or lack of commitment.

We don't sign contracts with everyone and everything we come in contact with and even if we do it has been demonstrated that contracts can be violated. The level of commitment is either agreed upon or it has different meaning to parties involved. We all have our own idea of what we think the appropriate commitment is supposed to be involving aspects of every relationship.

The term "unconditional love" is the ultimate form of a communicative challenge that all commitments either have or don't.

We do not have "unconditional love" for all people, places or things. We reserve that specific right for only the commitments that mean the most to us. Over time, the commitment we have can change to be conditional. When the commitment becomes more challenging to deal with than it is worth the time comes to distance ourselves. Worth is subjective and is difficult to quantify. We may not be able to see the worth of being in a destructive situation. Perhaps that is why it is so difficult to walk away from relationships or give up that "unconditional" aspect.

Not all relationships have to have "love" in order to be unconditional commitments. There has to be readily seen and felt results for there to be a continued commitment of any kind.

Not really sure where I am going with this OP, but the reason I am writing it is to help me deal with commitment issues of my own. I thought maybe putting "pen to paper" would help me work out the kinks.

Thanks for your time.

I wish I had some words of wisdom and something profound to say but anyone that isn't an absolute cretin is dealing with the same problem you outlined.

That serenity prayer works well.....sometimes

We say it like this in the 12 step programs...

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
The courage to change the things I can
and the wisdom to know the difference.

a reply to: soulpowertothendegree

I am far from religious but I believe everything happens for a reason. I think these quotes have some relevance here.

"you either win or learn"
"no mistakes only lessons learned"

Accepting that things/people/moments come in and out of my life for the sole purpose of learning and guiding me to become a better person has helped me accept all my adversity and struggles.

a reply to: soulpowertothendegree

Me again Soul...a couple things I remembered after replying to the other thread and seeing this one.

I had a 2 final exam questions once in essay form with no word number requirement, just an answer..

One was "What is the meaning of Life"?
Two was "WHY"? Not "why-WHAT....just "Why"?

I answered in order after thinking for quite a while....

1."What is the meaning of life?" My answer? "To LIVE".
2. The 2nd as to the very existential question of "WHY"? I answered..."BECAUSE".

I received an A+ on the final. I later asked the prof why if they were essay questions, he didnt have a minimum word-count requirement.

His answer? "Well...with some people...they just don't have a lot to say, and don't require that many words to explain why they don't"!

I learned a lot from him...and carried it with me my whole life.....Peace. MS

The way I keep my sanity in life is,...

Worry about the things you can change, the rest will take care of itself.

Otherwise you will drive yourself nuts .

It's a hard lesson to learn. What is it, I can change? Why can't, I change that?

It has been a saying I have used for parenting, relationships, work, or anything in my life.

I think it's the wisdom that comes with age.

Accept the things you cannot change, and change the things you can.

Sometimes, Easier said, than done.

a reply to: soulpowertothendegree

I believe that although it is paramount that people only change what they have the power to change, it is VITAL when faced with unsolvable problems, that they have a society around them which removes obstacles from their path, which the individual might find impossible on their own.

You see, it is the height of stupidity to believe that just because a problem cannot be solved, means that it no longer needs a solution. The solution must come, but its source may vary by necessity.

Desiderata is NOT something to live by. If you have problem which is hard to solve, a brick wall against which ones head seems to bash habitually, then what one needs is either more heads, or a harder one. Having too little money and no prospects means that one needs to either find some prospects sharpish, or one will wind up in a bloody awful state, having nothing to show for their every effort thus far, and this is an intolerable situation. Either one must solve it oneself, or a solution must be found external to ones own capabilities.

The reality is this:

Assuming one problems are real problems, not those crappy first world nonsenses we hear all too much of, then ones problems must be solved, and all other considerations are moot, irrelevant, must be put aside until the problem is solved. Whether that problem is a stalker, a loan or bill that one cannot pay, an abusive spouse, a psychotic offspring, a big company poisoning the local water supply, or a debilitating psychological malady, refusing to, or being unable to face the problem does NOTHING, not a single damned thing to improve the situation.

ONLY the solution will allow a person to go on living their life in the freedom that they must have, that they MUST have, that everyone around them should be prepared to fight for, if only because human beings should be interested in and prepared to fight for EVERYONES rights, those of themselves and their families, and of their neighbours, countrymen and women, and those from other nations, from all over the world. We should stand when our fellows cannot stand for themselves, hold them up when they loose their footing, parry the sword aimed at their backs, and throw ourselves at their enemies when their wounds are too grave for them to continue.

Problems, no matter how large, need solving, and refusing to accept that fact causes far more problems than are solved by it, because no problems are solved by the attitude which spawns from desiderata. It is perhaps the most utterly overt bit of propaganda I have ever seen.

Accept that NO problem is beyond solution, accept that NO problem cannot be unpicked, that NOTHING may defeat you as long as you do not allow it to, and life takes on a technicolour beauty which is absent from a life lived in the monochromatic monstrosity that looms for anyone under the spell of the thrice cursed desiderata.