Enduring the darkest recesses of the soul

a reply to: Bluesma

I've been giving you a great deal of thought today, especially based on your last post and it occurs to me that you might just have found out your reason for being here. The Life Dilemma that you have to solve.

Ask me how many times I've look up and said to no-one in particular 'Tell me what to do, and I'll do it' as I struggled to find my reason for being here and for going through some of the things that were happening.

You seem to have embarked on your own Great Work.

Hold your nerve.

I'll give you two clues based on what I have read in your posts here: Control Issues and Projection.


I hope my posts have not come across as antagonistic or inquisitorial - they were never meant to be. Just hoping to offer you a light in the darkness That's a friendly light, not a train coming...

a reply to: Bluesma
How are you feeling now? Are things better?
I'm not trying to make light of your situation by posting this. It's just that sometimes you need a good laugh.

I hope it works.

a reply to: Skid Mark

Thanks for that!! Love Monty Python!

I'm.... I'm not as down as I was when I wrote this. I am taking a lot of action to pick up my mood, getting a lot of stuff done, forcing myself to get out and see people. I have always had the tendency to retreat into my shell when I am not feeling okay, and I now think that is sometimes a very bad idea.

But I feel like my physical health is just going wacko- I've got a whole bunch of problems springing up, though I've been in great health most of my life. I take good care of my body! So I keep thinking there is a psychological source that I need to get at before it will get better.

But I am not in danger of killing myself today.
At least I don't think so.

originally posted by: berenike
I've been giving you a great deal of thought today, especially based on your last post and it occurs to me that you might just have found out your reason for being here. The Life Dilemma that you have to solve.

Ask me how many times I've look up and said to no-one in particular 'Tell me what to do, and I'll do it' as I struggled to find my reason for being here and for going through some of the things that were happening.

You seem to have embarked on your own Great Work.

I go through times, around every seven years or so, I think, where I have such a crisis- in which I feel I need to figure out what kind of "higher purpose" I have, in order to help me determine my next step in my journey.

I use meditation, visualization, exercise and healthy eating..... I consult my intuition, try to delve into my subconscious for answers. I look at the patterns of my past up to now, observe the "themes" that are replaying, and what sort of positive expression or manifestation they could have in this world.

Because there are themes, that repeat even without my creating them- like synchronicity puts me in similar circumstances over and over, with similar challenges. These point me towards what I am experienced in, what I am familiar with, what I care about, and what I might be able to excell at in some beneficial action some day.

Communication between worlds; between different realities, different minds. Mediation, conciliation, arbitration, creativity.

My current struggles with cultural and lingual clashes in my environment (being a foreigner in France, having a mate with a different cultural background) is just an extension of a life pattern. I was once the only english speaking white kid in my neighborhood; then I was the only poor kid in a rich neighborhood; later moved back into a poor area as a rich kid (from their point of view); when I was a toddler, I saw ghosts and translated their messages to adults who couldn't see them; my sister was retarded, and couldn't talk clearly, but I understood her very different vie of reality and acted as a translator for her for most of my time growing up.
I spent years working with animals, studying how to bring the psychic communication into a physical expression of relationship and interaction between us.

All these situations made me focus on having to see from other's points of view, understand their very different perceptions and feelings, and make attempts to weave them with their opposite somehow, creatively.

Now, I figure, if we're going to consider higher goals or intents, I can't help but guess this is the desire to create using my own natures of Yin and Yang- as an ego, a middle man, who mediates and draws from each to find a creative form of action between the two. This requires stepping back and forth into each to experience and understand them. Stepping into ones passive side, and ones active side, to come to an effective conciliation between the two. Or ones joy and ones sadness; ones power and ones powerlessness; ones fulfillment and ones emptiness, etc.

I'll give you two clues based on what I have read in your posts here: Control Issues and Projection.

I would like to hear what your thoughts and perceptions are behind this idea!
In my thread of thought, above, it fits, because I see the stage of life as where we use relation to experience this dynamic in physical terms. For example, one explores and "enters" their powerlessness through having a relationship with another who is exploring their power,
or experience our active side through relations with someone experiencing their passive side,
etc.

This necessitates projection on both sides of each and every relationship and interaction.
Far from the current fad of using projection as a term of discredit towards someone ("you are only projecting, what you say/feel is invalid), I personally see it as an inescapable part of living and relating.
That accusation and disparagement only comes about when two people are not in agreement upon the exact terms of the projection that shall happen between them. One does not want to play the role proposed, and they want the other to conform to their preference of role in the moment.

Otherwise, we come to (most often consciously unacknowledged, but subconsciously communicated) agreements on who will play what role in face of the other, for our scenes of life. If we are both in agreement, there is no problem. -Though that is not to say there will be no conflict in action! For the roles may be exactly chosen for their antagonistic/opposing qualities.

I mention my mother a lot here, obviously my observing of her choices had a big impact on me in many ways- more than I should list here. But one pattern I observe is that in my life I put myself repeatedly similar conditions as she, but with different responses. This could be simply to differenciate as an individual - the most obvious and current psychoanalytic conclusion.

Or it could be in an intent to continue a certain line of exploration and learning in our genetics! We're finding more and more that lessons learned get partially passed on genetically. Somehow behavioral evolution is happening in nature as well as nurture. Finding better solutions and responses to the environment may just be a natural part of evolution.

I brought myself to the same challenges as she a multitude of times, and tried a different turn. I also was able to live out many of her dreams and faced many of her fears successfully.

I thought of this yesterday... when her asthma started up bad, it was at a certain point in her life, when change was necessary for her- in her roles she had been playing at that time. She didn't have the courage to change them, she couldn't let go of the values and the mindset she had constructed for those roles. Changing roles is hard, because it means another ego-death.
(this too, is part of the cycles I observe in myself).

The asthma was her body pushing her to change her environment and relationships, and she chose not to. She chose to stick with stability of outer circumstances, and let internal change be repressed, and destroy the self.

I thought, yesterday, that this time too, I shall try a different response. I'm going to let change happen, and row into the rapids.

My husband is a hoarder. I have always liked to live sparsely- material objects way me down and stifle me. At one point his opposing energy on this was a source of constructive creativity between us- providing an element of stability.
But I cannot take any more of that. My body is pushing me to take action by being unable to handle the dust!
I have never touched his stuff, but it has taken over every corner of the house. We cannot use our dining table, because it has stacks of stuff on it. This desk I am sitting at, I could barely clear a space for my cup of coffee.
We have entire rooms that you cannot enter because they are stockpiled with stuff!!!



Yesterday I got big trash bags and started throwing stuff out, for the first time. Did it all day.
Haven't told him yet, and got the bags down to the dump before he got home. But this is just the beginning.

a reply to: Bluesma
You're welcome.
Sorry to hear about your new problems. When it rains, it pours. I'm glad to hear that you're forcing yourself to get out and interact, instead of suffering alone. That might be part of why you're having the physical problems. Maybe part of you doesn't want to come out of it. Just keep on keeping on and you'll make it.

a reply to: Bluesma

Yesterday I got big trash bags and started throwing stuff out, for the first time. Did it all day.
Haven't told him yet, and got the bags down to the dump before he got home. But this is just the beginning.

That made me crack up! LOL! Hopefully because he has so much stuff, it could take years before he even notices anything missing, if he notices at all.

Ever see that show hoarders? Some people are really, really bad and man do they get pissed when someone so much as tries to throw out some old moldy book or something!

Hope you continue to feel better Honey! Been reading your replies in here and checking in on you.

a reply to: Night Star

I've been listening out for the shriek when he gets home


Bluesma - I posted a reply yesterday, but I wasn't really on my game and felt I missed the mark a bit so I asked for it to be deleted.

You sound to be in a much better place now and coping well. I'm so happy to see that.

Thank you, kind peoples. I really appreciate the concern and willingness to just chat with me when I need it.
I'm doing better, but it has taken effort.
But my efforts, in thought and action really started paying off, and my mood took a complete turn around (enough so that I started to worry about being bi-polar or something).

I suspect that sometimes, stuff from the subconscious just has to come up into consciousness, to be cleared and make room for new experience, thought and memory.
That might make for a temporary awareness of the gunk that was down there...?

I think, too, I should stay away from ATS. Though you guys were kind and supportive, I'm getting the lashing I was afraid of from other members now. By this age, I should know that exposing your vulnerabilities in public is NEVER a wise idea. There really is no safe place for sharing except a shrink you pay.... unfortunately they are way too expansive !

A million thanks for your compassion!!!!

a reply to: Bluesma
I'm glad that you're better. You know where to go if you're ever in the same funk again.

a reply to: Bluesma

Please don't stay away from ATS because some people are prats.

I've noticed posts that you've made to help and support other members and offer the benefit of your experiences. It would be a shame for ATS to lose someone who is prepared to do that.

No, don't stay away! I'd be damned if I allowed others to make me leave this place. There are enough good people here, so ignore the rest.

a reply to: Bluesma
Blue, I understand your plight. Not the specific situation, mind, but darkness is darkness. Thankfully, my belief system is intolerant of suicide, else I probably would have just ended it some time ago. All I can really say is this: It gets better, Blue, it really does. I don't know when, I don't know where. I don't yet see the light shining through the darkness, but I know it will come, in time. Everything in its own time.

@Zbrain " You are infinitely valuable because of the uniqueness you bring to the world. There is no one like you and without you in the world, who would replace you? We all bring unique talents, viewpoints and characteristics that are needed for certain situations which only one specific individual can bring. Don't sell yourself short and realize your true infinite value." Funnily enough, that is the exact philosophy that convinced me to stay alive...
To many others: thank you for your words, though they were meant for another they have brought me no small measure of hope, and of comfort, as well as giving me much to think about, on top of directly impacting my approach to life. Thank you all so very much.