Borderline personality disorder - need advice

After a few months it was found that her anti depressant mirtazapine was the culprit behind bringing her symptoms out.

Yeah right. Basically these doctors just experiment with their different potions to see if something helps or not. They basically don't even understand how all that crap works. Did they change her anti-depressant and add a mood stabilizer? I believe that's their typical MO in these cases.

As another poster indicated, perhaps a stay in a psych ward will help to stabilize her. That way they can perform their medication experiments in a closed environment. But, whatever they do, you will need to continue the regimen. If your insurance won't cover the cost, I would suggest you try to change your plan to find one that does.

I'm MI myself. I have completely lost any and all faith in the mental health profession. Over the years I have had a couple dozen therapists, shrinks, psychiatrists, nurses, etc. I found only one who had any positive impact on my condition. My last shrink left me in a worse condition than when I started with him.

There are no quick and easy answers to your situation. I know of one case with a friend of mine who was in a similar situation as yours. The thing that finally made his wife realize that she had a problem was when she went off on the administrator of her daughter's school. The administrator talked to my friend and let him know that she was concerned for their daughter's safety, and if it occurred again she was going to have to talk to the authorities. After that she checked herself in for a brief hospital visit and got on a somewhat effective drug and therapy routine. She also swears by a somewhat new therapy called Neurofeedback .

Well hopefully this rant will give you some ideas. Hang in there!

-dex

I'm so sorry to hear this. I, for one, think it's great that you are reaching out for support. Like olaru12, upon reading, it seems like something more. But, as also mentioned by schuyler, we're not professionals so take anything you read here with a that in mind.

What age range are we talking about? Was there any precipitating factor like personal or medical issue or has she always been somewhat like this? I only ask that because twice now I have heard of two acquaintances/relatives who had sudden onset of personality issues. One turned out to be a severe case of an undiagnosed UTI and the other Alzheimer's. Both presented with anger/mood issues at first.

Aside from that - how much time do either of you spend on line? Because, I swear, the internet is both killing marriages and also making people narcissistic and paranoid as hell. If she spends a lot of time on line, that can't be helping.

there is a therapy created specifically for bpd. its called dbt- dialectical behavioral training. it would help you gain some skills to at least deal with episodes as they happen. the worse thing about living with the mentally ill is you become effected by it after awhile. so self maintenance is your best approach to dealing with an unstable spouse.

a reply to: DexterRiley

Ya they put her on zoloft and effexor(sp)? Im pretty such thats what it was.
My coverage is something like 4000 a year for pysch or Counciling per person on the plan. So she was able to use her full 4000 then their office asked if i would let mywife use my 4000 for the year. So in total $8000
Thankfully my prescription coverage is 90% with a 500 deductible. After that 500 is paid then all medication is free for the remainder of the year.

She said before that she wanted to be admitted, but because this stupid city has litterally 10 beds in the mental ward. The waiting list is huge.

Theres times when she realizes, wow i have a problem, im sorry...nthen others when there is no convincing her in the world that there is any issues.
I love her to death, but sometimes things get really hard to deal with.
Im very happy that you all have replied. It gave me a chance to vent. Sometimes thats all i need.

a reply to: kosmicjack

Im 33 and my wife is 32.
I noticed it about 4 years ago. It progressively got worse every year. And i just now realized, its the past 4 winters it happens.
Maybe its S.A.D as well? It never happens in the summer.

Shes on the net at some point almost everyday.
Sometimes to read the news, or googling a recipe, or ideas for her to paint.
Neither of us use facebook or any of those cool things anymore.

a reply to: zyrktec

Its true, it does affect you.
Theres things im afraid to even bring up or to mention, like they are taboo. Because i dont want her to have a flip out. Its like she doesnt care about the consequences when shes having her rages and nothing else in the world matters asides from hurting the person as bad as she can.
dont get me wrong though, shes not some constant raging witch. Shes usual so sweet and caring. But when this switch flips and she turns into something else, its horrible.

There is a book called I Hate You Don't Leave Me that helped me understand and cope with a loved ones Borderline Personality Disorder. Another one is called Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Love Has Borderline Personality Disorder .These really helped me save the relationship .

a reply to: Pillywiggin
Did they really? Wish I had that knowledge, if it helped those with BPD.

a reply to: Tiamat384

I did find them very helpful. They offered some specific strategies for coping and communicating. I don't remember exactly what was said, but one of the books mentioned something about replying when accused of not being supportive , suggesting responding , "I understand it feels as if I am against you, but I am not." That way you are acknowledging the feelings, but not engaging in a prolonged argument. There were a lot of suggestions like that.

a reply to: Pillywiggin
I agree. Showing understanding and care is very important. But often the person (the one without BPD) acts by arguing and offers no such support, but rather frustration. I'm serious! A hug and the three words, "I love you" go a really long way. It's rather nice to be held. But don't expect for the hug to be returned quickly. If you manage to hug long enough that the person with BPD hugs you back, then you got to them. You avoided conflict. Maybe I'm wrong, but I don;t think discussing BPD is a good idea in a heated moment because this may feel like the person without it is blaming the person with it.

a reply to: Pillywiggin

Stop walking on egg shells, was the first book i read. I will look into the other one.
Thanks a lot!

A hard thing in life is being in a relationship with someone who has a mental illness.

It throws up situations you are not prepared for.

In a normal relationship you must walk away.

In this relationship you must stay and help.

PM me if you want further insight. I'm happy to give information of my situation but would prefer it not to be on a public forum.

my ex had BPD among a few other things. and what you described really reminds me of how she would behave. she was undiagnosed for a longtime and it went from happiest relationship ever to me having to go the hospital myself for a breakdown and she was hospitalized several times during the same time peroid. she would go from the sweet caring intelligent creative person i loved and was my soulmate to being the most vicious, cruel, demeaning women i've ever met. it's incredibly hard dealing with someone in a relationship who has BPD so I feel for you. I really do. It's a lot of work.

But, as others have mentioned, DBT therapy helps, daily exercise really helps and of course the right medication/diet and daily therapy. It's a disorder that really needs keeping on top of. i don't think she particularly enjoyed being hospitalized but, I think it really helped her come to terms with the disorder and that there was something legitimately and severely wrong, but it could be managed if the effort was put in.

What I find odd though is that shes ok most of the year but gets bad during winter. Winter might exacerbate the symptoms for sure but BPD is a year round disorder. So there might be a combination of things going on.

My ex.. whom i was with for 13yrs and had three children with has Bpd, Bi-Polar and Manic Depression.. they all go hand in hand.

I found a lot of solace in a site call BPDFamily, google it.. you'll be glad you did. There are a TON of folks just like us going through the unimaginable everyday, they helped me understand..

My story does not end so well, she refused meds.. got worse.. cheated and got a boyfriend, A heroine addict.. she is now a heroine addict and homeless. I am needless to say a single father with three wonderful children, I didn't even have to fight for them. When I asked what about the kids.. she said.. "Keep them.." My two boys 12 and 7 and My beautiful daughter of 5.. I was speechless..

She displays high levels of Psychopathy and is void of compassion and true emotion.. sure she can fake it if it serves her needs but its not real. I know shes sick and she didn't ask to be this way but I didn't ask for it either, and my children certainly didn't ask for it.

Between the bouts of drinking and self medication and refusing treatment and meds I had to let her go, it was the best option for my children.

Go to BPD Family and check it out, you'll be glad you did and good luck in your struggles...

I hope your story turns out better than mine.. oh and by the way.. Quitting a borderline is like quitting an addictive drug, its hell on you.. like 100 breakups in one.. Stay Strong and good luck.

-Mus

a reply to: Muslickz

Thank you very much.
I will check that website right now.
Im sorry to hear about your ex, but congrats on your kids!

I went through all of this with a close friend of five years. It was a living hell and I didn't know what was wrong with her, with us, for the longest time. It resembles paranoid schizophrenia but lacks the hallucinations. My mom had schizophrenia so that's how I base my comparison.

When my friend got mad at me for something no normal person would even bat an eyelash at, and stopped talking to me, I made the split permanent once and for all by not responding to any attempts at communication when she attempted to resume them for the sake of our kids' friendships a few months later. I just could not do it anymore.

It was taking honest precious hours of my days from my own family to come up with carefully selected words in texts and conversations that would not set off her rage. She texted me night and day with complaints about how everyone was treating her. She had already alienated most of the other parents in our circle of friends.

I persisted with her as long as I did mainly because our children were friends. But her children always had narcissistic behaviors that was escalating to the point my family wanted out, too. So we split up. She wasn't all bad and could be generous and compassionate. So I do miss that aspect of being her friend.

But even her good points were too intense. She would do too much for me and my family that she knew I wasn't in a position to repay as I was struggling to take care of two family members and a pet with cancer and was struggling with autoimmune disease. I tried my best but was constantly set up for failure and she would use those failures to fuel this narrative she built in her mind that everyone was out to victimize her. I can't hate her now for it because I know she had a crap childhood and she seems to be acting out as a result. But at the time I was starting to hate her for wrecking my peace of mind. I could not enjoy or engage in my own life with my own family while this was going on.

I have broken up with boyfriends with more civility and ease than that breakup entailed. I remained on friendly terms with all my ex boyfriends. Even one that was mentally disturbed, possibly a psychopath. Even that breakup was cordial! But this one was the worst breakup of my life. There is something about the way a person with BPD makes you make them the center of your world that makes everything more intense. Even with no romantic love or sexual attraction between you. It's the weirdest thing I've been through, and given that I am the child of a schizophrenic, that's saying something. My sympathies are with you. If I could have figured out a way to keep my friend and keep my own life, I would have. But she isn't my spouse and so my priorities lie elsewhere.

Just wanted to thank you all for your input on this when i needed it most.

If anyone is still following i wanted to give an update. I was discussing in detail with someone from this thread about how to deal with this situation. During which time I believe ATS upgraded the chat system or performed some type of maintenance. All my pm's were lost along with the ATS members name. the person i was talking with directed me to an excellent website called bpdfamily. Com.
To you - Thank you so much for your support over those few days and for directing me to that website. Its been an invaluable tool, so much so that i wanted to thank the founders rof that site for their services that i made a $500 dollar donation to them. Honestly the advice not only that ive gotten, but my wife as well has received, greatly surpassed anything that one of the many psychs my wife has seen, had to say.
Again thank you so much to the person who brought that site to my attention. Please send me a PM if you see this.
Things are good right now. And i owe it to you for your greatly appreciated help.

a reply to: Macenroe82

Hi Macenroe82,

Thanks for the update. I'm glad things are working out well for you and your wife. All too often things don't work out that well in cases like this. I'm sure that the member that gave you that good advice will come along soon and congratulate you as well. Stay well.

-dex

It sounds more like schizophrenia than borderline?

I've suspected myself of being borderline, though a psychiatrist I went to 20 years ago thought I wasn't.
I think he just didn't have the opportunity to see me when I was having a crisis!
I was really emotional and always sure my mate was going to leave me. I turned everything into a sign of that.

I think it just got better with time and age (I feel totally secure in my relationship now, and that had a beneficial effect on all my relations).

As Tiamat described, the best reaction was to say nothing and hug me. Engaging in my drama made it get worse and worse.
What is kind of funny is that is exactly what my husband did... but basically, his english wasn't good enough to totally get all I was going on about, or to respond to well, so he just said nothing.
Years later, I became aware he had no idea what I was saying most of the time!

"You don't remember me accusing you of being in love with my best friend?"
"WHAT? No... you thought that?"
(I cried and ranted for an entire night and day)
"Ah....no. Never mind. Doesn't matter now..."


Too bad your wife doesn't do all this in another language! Then you could just look sympathetic and hug her and it would be over....

I feel for you, I really do. You have been brave and loving. If nothing else, I can offer the suggestion that it might get better with time.



(i felt moved when reading the beginning of this thread, but hadn't read your update! Glad to hear there's been some positive development in this!!! )

a reply to: Bluesma

Lol ya if she spoke another language as her first, then it would be better lol.
Her mother speaks fluent finnish. So my wifes second language is finnish. To bad it isnt her first lol.

And thank you! Things are going well. And i owe it to that website as our resource.
A couple nights ago my wife started one of her rants and crying and accusing me of things. I thought back to the website, i didn't say anything other than, " please remember what we read on the website"
She instantly stopped what she was saying, i put my arms around her and let her cry it put for 5 minutes.
Then no more than 10 minutes later, all was forgetton and we went for dinner.