I don't trust him

a reply to: spazze


You know this relationship isn't working but you continue to be sucked in. Is he the problem or do you need to accept at this point that you are the problem?

A) He only wants sex with you because that is all he wants from you. Not a relationship

B) You are a fill in.


Ditch him, there is nothing more self destructive than pandering to someone who uses you to fulfill a need of theirs whilst not caring about your needs in the least.
Thats not a relationship thats being someones sex toy or emotional diaper.

a reply to: spazze

I've got to commend you for all this sharing, no matter where
you posted. You are brave and open with the most important
thing in your life. My contention is, you two have vastly
different priorities.

Never encountered one of the opposite sex desiring a "pseudo-
spouse with benefits" arrangement; but even if this guy's not a
box of chocolates upstairs, he needs to evolve much more in
order to be a competent parent. In fact we both did, but at least
I admitted it to myself and to her before any commitment.

I'm a male of barely retirement age, and was married only once--
divorced many years ago from someone who needed the same
evolution. That relationship coincidentally lasted about 4 1/2 years.

It's truly amazing what one can sustain when it seems like the
right thing to do. Forget the societal stigma and bioclock, you
definitely deserve a whole one.
PS thirty plus years after my divorce and having given up I found her.

a reply to: Metallicus

Now after thinking about he, he does have a way to make me feel sorry for him.

When he has took contact with me again, after he says how he misses me, misses all the things we had and all the sexual stuff and sexual memories and I ask, why did you just say ok when I broke it off, why didn't you put an effort in to understand why I wanted to break it off or try and stay in the relationship, his response always is similar to:

I felt so hurt that you wanted to break up, I thought you had made up your mind so I didn't think anything I said would change your mind. I love you so much and always have and always will.

Similar to that, because I know I always felt sorry for him when he had explained it. But, it's the same everytime, words and no action, it's the same with every break up.

He has bad hygene, he showers but he doesnt care about what he wears, it can be dirty clothes, even when we have been out walking, or once or twice in the city, one big nono was when I realized he doesn't brush his teeth, that sickened me, since I haven't wanted to kiss him anymore.

I am afraid he might go violant over the years, it's just something in me that tells me to watch out.

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Some people wonder why I let the contact begin again after blocking him out of my life.
Well, because I have this weird love for him, I can't get rid of it, maybe it is more of a friendship love... I have never had male friends so I don't know what that is like, that's the only conclusion I have come up with as for now, because it is not a partner type of love, it can't be.

I dont like the drama, it's just, I don't have anyone new in my life and I want really want a family life, I ignore him for very long, months and so on but then I type Happy Christmas or Happy New Year, something small as a response to him. Then it takes off, I guess it's a comftarble thing more than a drama thing.

Yes, because when we have sex it feels like I have to give him sex because I don't want to have sex, he can get very... IDK you have to be there to see it, his eyes changes, it's spooky.

We are both 29 years old. I would bet if I felt safe and relaxed with my man and felt no pressure I would most def have more sex, no doubt in my mind about that. But as for now and bacically since the second time and until now since we've been together, the pressure, I am talking about someone who just cant take a no or a hint that not now.

Every time we meet this is how it is.

He comes over, hug and a kiss. We talk some, he pet my pets, goes to the sofa, watch tv. Everytime.

Those times I have tried to make some fun when we just are at home since he doesnt want to do anything else, I might bring up the cards or a game, his response everytime is: Strip poker, even with board games, the one who looses should strip.
I say no, I want to play a normal game.
We watch tv, I have made it so he is at one end and I the other, it always begin with a small touch, then he comes closer, closer, then he begins to stroke me on certain areas, while just me watching tv, then he takes my face to kiss him, sometimes I let him have one small kiss which always ends up with him keeping my face there not letting go until my dog barks, keeps stroking me.
Other times I just ignore him or tells him I want to watch this show, I can even have my computer or phone, anything to show I don't want to have sex. His cuddeling ALWAYS is a sex thing and not cuddle.

Then he begin to get annoyed and says, it has been so long, I miss your touch, I miss our sex and look so sad.

If this only happened once in a while okay, but it is like this everytime and it begins within an hour of him coming inside the door, it never stops, I literally have to keep saying no but most often my dog comes in the middle and makes it all stop.
He is glued to my hip, I walk to the kitchen, he comes after and grabs me and start to kiss and touch me, I can't move.

It is NOT normal! Bathroom time is my private time haha!

And I can most def see in his face how annoyed he gets when he doesnt get any sex or when I say no.

From other people inlcuding women who I have asked over internet about this they just says men are men.
But I keep thinking back to my other boyfriends and they were nothing like that.

This is the first time I actually see this very clear and like someone else wrote, when writing this I see it even more. I am thinking OMG, how could I have let it get this far.
He seem also to get worse for each year.

-----------------------------------------

Yes, friends with benefits was a mistake, but I was also 23 at that time, just ended it with my previous boyfriend and didn't want a relationship at that time. But after a while I did fall for him.

-----------------------

I havent seen him now for almost 3 weeks because I really had to think about this and last time we were together my emotions, I just wanted him gone, I don't feel safe with him and when he said "I long to make a baby with you" "I wonder what it feels like to make a baby and come inside you".

Someone who wants a baby should say, I long for us to have a baby and how it would feel like to have a baby.
And say these things NOT during sex. That I swear, when he said it like that I felt as if all he ever said since day one had been a lie, to drag me in to his web. I felt sick to my stumache. It broke my heart.

And last week I told him to stop texting me and stop writing to me so much. (it's almost as if he is trying to brainwash me with his words.) He stopped one evening and to this day he keeps writing. And when i don't write back he writes are you ok, i miss u, i love u, its so lonly without u. Not one time, not twice but maybe 5-6 times a day.

He dont know what talk is, you should be able to talk about everything and anything with a man, he only want to talk about memories of us, 98% is sex and then talk about sex. We don't really talk about much other things, I do, I try very hard to talk about other stuff but he's like, aha... Sometimes he talks about his job but it is the same story everytime we meet, nothing new happening?

This begin to feel like a long rant, I was going to keep it short but it ended up long, hehe. Sorry.

But, to ya'll, it did help a lot to write this and I do see it now as I am typing and when I am reading it.
I will NOT go back to him. These 2 last times were big mistakes, I am glad we only been seeing each other for 4 months this time around so not too much time wasted. But it is over and I will keep strong this time. I will write a damn memo if I have to to remind me about all of this so I don't fall for his trap if he ever contacts me again.

But I will block him from social media and my phone. I am tired of all of this!

But, to ya'll, it did help a lot to write this and I do see it now as I am typing and when I am reading it.
I will NOT go back to him. These 2 last times were big mistakes, I am glad we only been seeing each other for 4 months this time around so not too much time wasted. But it is over and I will keep strong this time. I will write a damn memo if I have to to remind me about all of this so I don't fall for his trap if he ever contacts me again.

But I will block him from social media and my phone. I am tired of all of this!

a reply to: spazze

Well, thank goodness!

You've wasted 5 years of your life on a sex pest.

It seems to me that your real problem is that you're lonely and possibly bored.

Those were good years which you could have used to develop hobbies or skills or find yourself a decent partner. Well, time to learn your lesson and move on

Make a big decision: If you're going to be miserable then your'e going to be miserable by yourself. NOT with someone else. You'll have a far better chance of turning things around and improving your lot in life.

I'm not usually this tactless, but if ever someone needed a good a good kick in the proverbial... That's a caring kick, you understand

a reply to: spazze

Your gut feeling was/is telling you what to do all along yet you kept repeating the same mistake over and over again. Think about it. You thought you were FWB but that is not what you are describing. Friends know each other, respect eachother`s wishes, it is supposed to be a mutual benefit right? But this sounds like, sorry the phrase, you were being his bitch. And that was before you made couple.

Moreover, what you actually feel for him is because of sex, because of the chemicals inside your body...

A key hormone released during sex is oxytocin, also known as the ‘cuddle hormone’. This lowers our defences and makes us trust people more, says Dr Arun Ghosh, a GP specialising in sexual health at the Spire Liverpool Hospital. It’s also the key to bonding, as it increases levels of empathy.

Women produce more of this hormone, although it’s not clear why, and this means they are more likely to let their guard down and fall in love with a man after sex.

However, the problem is that the body can’t distinguish whether the person we’re with is a casual fling or marriage material — oxytocin is released either way. So while it might help you bond with the love of your life, it’s also the reason you may feel so miserable when a short-term relationship ends.

Men, on the other hand, instead of getting a surge of bonding hormone receive a surge of simple pleasure. ‘The problem is that when a man has an orgasm, the main hormone released is dopamine — the pleasure hormone. And this surge can be addictive,’ says Dr Ghosh.

www.dailymail.co.uk...

So by giving yourself to him like that for so long only made things worse. But now you know and you should end it right now before more damage is done. Also, from my experience, if you can`t get along for the first time (when gut feeling is telling you it`s not going to work), it is never going to work. I know it`s hard to bypass feelings but this is something you must do and go through the hard way because there is no other "normal" way to do it. And since you already were in a relationship before, you know what awaits you...

One final thing I feel the need to say. When you will have a boyfriend in the future, don`t wait for him to invite you to the movies or dinner or hike or whatever you want if you are impatient waiting. You invite him....if you know he has free time, tell him you already got reservation or tickets and that if he comes, you have a surprise for him.(you pick what that is, just avoiding misunderstanding here) ....I surely would accept that offer and am pretty certain most of the other guys would too.

If you feel you deserve better, then treat yourself accordingly...just don`t go too far as you don`t want to go from one extreme to the other, if you know what I mean. Good luck.

a reply to: spazze

I am really sorry to tell you this...he was using you for a booty call!
Stop letting him use you and remind yourself that you have self worth.

So...
I told him good bye.

He asked me why this time and I told him everything and of course now he wants to do it the way I want it to be but I told him I shouldn't have to tell you this and now when I have and you want to do it the right way it feels wrong.

He also tried to make me feel sorry for him, blaming me that he thought I didnt want to meet his parents, I said, well THINKING that for 5 years is a bit long, u never even asked.

He said he didnt have any money to take me places so I said we dont need money to have fun, instead of u asking to come over and watch tv all the time, take me out, take me for a walk, take me for a drive to a city and we can just walk around, in stores or the scenery. Having fun doesn't have to cost money.

I also told him that I have said these things to him prior and he always says ok but then never does it.

Someone else wrote why I not take him out, oh during the 5 years it has ALWAYS been me once we do something, yes he tags along or sometimes he builds me up and then nothing happens. But I am not willing to pay for boat tickets and then it never comes to shove. But smaller things like a movie or going out has always been me.

I want him to do it too.
He knows that.

anyways, this time he went some drama but I'm not folding. I knew i would feel guilty and that it is my fault. I just have to keep strong.

a reply to: spazze
Is this your first attempt at this or is this your hobby?

I was suspicious of your initial post but I thought I would hang in there for a while to see what developed.

With this post conveniently posted on page three, for those people don't like reading through a large number of pages before posting, I am pretty much convinced your thread is a hoax. I am very sure that there is very little truth in your post. It is either your personal social experiment or an out on out deception. Why? I have my guess but only you can really answer that question for us.

Just my personal opinion. If I am wrong, well, sorry. I am just not buying it.

a reply to: NightSkyeB4Dawn

What, wth would I lie about something like this!
I needed outside opinions about the matter and I did and it helped me.

If I wouldn't have I most likely would think I am making it all up in my head and it is me it's something wrong with... might be partly, but still.

I don't talk about sexual things with my mother so I couldn't talk and ask her nor my sister.
I've asked friends too and the two I have asked said I should end it and it's not normal behavior of a man who are inlove.

I asked other in another forum but there I got attacked. But I listened to them too, thinking it was me I talked with him did everything someone can do but nothing changed.

So I tried this forum and got some mixed responses but almost all if not all thought I should end it.
So I did now.

You doubting me because I did end it?
You doubt it because I took peoples advice to heart and did what they said?
Or would it seem more truthfull if I stuck with him and came back months later grieving about it?

No, everything I have written is the truth and is how I feel and felt in this relationship with him.
It's over now however and I do feel guilt about it and sad for some reason but at the same time relieved.
I blocked him on social media and blocked his number on my phone.

a reply to: spazze
If any of this is true, you need to stop asking others about the obvious elements in your life an take responsibility for you.

Seeking advice from those that know you and love you is a wise thing. Anonymity is a false persona. While it may seems titillating and daring, these kind of post are not going to give you answer about the real you.

People on-line don't know you, your life experiences, and can't help you with those problems that dwell within your heart. Only someone that can see us with a loving eye can see the flaws in the fables we tell ourselves.

You think by telling your story here, the way you want to tell it, is being honest. It isn't the lie that you tell others that is the problem. It is the lie you tell yourself.

If you truly have disassociated yourself from this person you speak of, it will just be another chapter in the long saga you have chosen to author. If you need help in finding strength in your new resolve, you are not going to find it on-line. You need to learn self.

From the sound of your posts, you are very young, gullible and naive. You have to have a friend or family member that loves you, and wants nothing but the best for you. Make that person your confidant. Online persona and advice is not likely to bring you the results you are looking for.

a reply to: NightSkyeB4Dawn

Like I said, I have talked to 2 of my closest friends and they said the same as most people here, and those friends, we have known each other since we were children. They are married and have kids. So it's not like they have never dated or been in relationships with men.

My mom is not the best to talk to about relationships, she just want grandkids.

I wanted outside people to tell me what they thought about a guy who behave in that way, is it normal or not.
Yes I knew in my heart and gut all along but it doesn't matter, my self confidence is not that high, obviously!

I am glad that there are people online who are willing to give their opinion and advice on the matter.
It gave me the push I needed.

Sorry to say but not all people online seeking help or advice are trolls or making a social experiment.

a reply to: spazze
I will pm you when I get back from the conference I am going to be late for.

It is a meeting with the Cyber Crimes division of our response team. I am sure there will be tons of updated material in the meeting.

The internet is not the warm fuzzy place you think it is, and all of the loving advice that you receive is not always in your best interest.

Life is difficult enough when you are looking at it face to face, trying to find your way blindfolded, can lead to some serious missteps.

a reply to: spazze


Your last post was too long to quote....Hell it was long - but I

read it. And the conclusion I came to was*He doesn't have a lot

going for him!!*

You can do so much better ...HE's A LOOSER.

a reply to: NightSkyeB4Dawn

I completely agree that internet is not the best place to look for answers in solving your private life issues but sometimes that is excatly what you need, asking for opinion someone who is unbiased, someone who doesn`t know you in person, doesn`t judge you, love you or hate you, someone who doesn`t know anything about you except what you have just told him/her...so the answer is strictly based on your story and nothing else. I also agree that every story has two sides but I think you would have to go a long way to come up with something like this. Call me naive but I believe her and think she is upset, sad and under pressure at the same time. Our generation is not even close to previous one where almost all the people got married and had kids in their 20s. And now some of them expect the same from their children being blind how much the times have changed since then.

And this is excatly where this world is going wrong. If a couple is not ready to be together and get along let alone have kids, this is where all the issues begin and could lead to domestic violence or worse and the kids would be marked forever and you know where this leads...not only to being problem to himself/herself but also to society and for all I know you could be some penietentiary`s director who profits from such things. You know, a false persona with an agenda.

Though when turning to internet you have to be careful and get as many different opinions as possible because not all are false persona. But above all you only get opinions, nothing else and make sure you have made up your mind before asking for any opinion regarding personal life online. Like OP said, she needed "a view from different perspective" and had made up her mind before but had confidence issues to do it much sooner...

I agree with that too, that the internet might not be the best place, but desperate times calls for desparete mesaures.

I haven't even shared everything only the things that bothered me the most.
He´s 29 and live with his parent, he has a full time job yet complaines he doesn't have any money to do anything with, he complained a lot about his previous relationship that they almost never had sex and that it felt more like a friendship than a relationship and the only reason for that was the lack of sex.

Last time we were together we spoke about having children but he thought it was a bad idea since we didn't have the best of economy, during that time ha had a part time job and so did I.
This time however he wheeled me in by pushing the baby thing, that's a very weak spot for me, but when I broke it up he said he didn't have any money to take me out even though with a full time job and living at home.
Now after I thought, wow, the baby thing must really have been a lie then, if he can't take me to a movie or take me to the next town due to lack of money how would we be able to afford having a baby, it was such a big deal breaker last time.

How he also said that we never talk about these things I told him yes we have, we did it just last week via FB though but still, and we have spoken face to face about many of the things I have brought up here. So either he just automatic says ok and doesn't listen so he doesn't remember or he just try to make it out as if we don't communicate, which we do, I have never had to sit down and talk with a boyfriend in a relationship as much as this one, I mean, and it is repeatetive with him.

I also told him how much it hurt that he never wanted to bring me to his parents or take me to his job to meet his friends.
He said i didn't think you wanted to meet my parents. And I said thinking that for 5 years is very long, and wouldn't you WANT to bring me to your parents. He said I should have asked... sure point taken, but yet odd.
And I told him, when you said you wanted to show me the place where you work I got happy but then you said so we could have sex there, and when you said that it hurt. Everything is sexual to you.

He then said, well I can take you there to meet them tomorrow, sorry too late, I shouldn't have to tell you these things and now that I have it feels fake if you should do it.

I wont say I am innocent in all of this, but there is something seriously off with him, and this time around I really didnt feel safe around him and I couldn't relax with him, his eyes I am telling you, it's like something takes over him. If I went from the living room to the kitchen he always followed then grabbed me and pulled me in to hold me tight and kiss me, I always had to push him away, it's not once and a while it is every time, I wouldn't mind sometimes but when it is all the time every time it is freaky.

And I think maybe he was more aggressive this time because I didn't give in to him as I had before, he always got what he wanted from me before but this time I refused, I wanted him to first treat me lika a woman and put an effort in, I gave him almost 4 months and only the 1st week he gave me flowers once and took me to dinner once.
Before we even met he said he loved me and wanted to start a family with me and built this whole fantasy life up and I fell for it because that is what I want.

He might not be a full blown sociopath but he has very strong tendencies when I read about it hand listened to other people who had dated or had relationships with sociopaths. The only thing that didn't fit was how a sociopath makes themselves out to be better than everyone else.

I told my mom today, she got chocked now when she knew all of his behaviour and even she said that it was not normal, she told me to be strong this time and not let him back in if he ever took contact with me again. She said there is alot of men in the world and you deserve much better than him.