I don't trust him

It is sounding more and more like this man would actually rape you in the future on this current trend.

I pray that is not the case. But do not fret OP and do not feel alone. Almost all of us have been there at one point. By there i mean unable to let go of a very hurtful individual because of love. Ive been There. i have given the feeling to another even. You will grow a lot emotionally from this.

If i could give only one piece of advice, do NOT let this man impregnate you. Do not do not. For a man like this, a baby could Literally only mean a possible sex partner for 18 more years. It could be a trap tbh.

Not to Mention this guy will not be ready for the responsibilities assosiated with a baby.

You can have everything you want OP. Go find a better Man! Starting anew sucks but can be so worth it.

originally posted by: spazze
Me however, 5 years in, only met his brother one time and his best friend one time and it was in the first year.
He does spend time with his friends, family and those he work with a lot.

5 years with me and not even tried moving in with me. Last time we looked for apartmetns, I was the one looking, he wasn't involved at all. Those I wanted us to look at he found excuses to why we shouldn't take them.

Re Read ^^^^^^ Do you really need advice?

You have already wasted 41/2 years. Time to revalue yourself and move on

Without knowing you .... YOU ARE WORTH MORE.

Here is what I think about your situation.


We teach people how to treat us.

www.drphil.com...

I know....... It's "DR PHIL"

But think about it. He makes alot of sense, if we STOP and think.

a reply to: spazze

From a Male perspective I might be able to explain, and 'might' is the operative word.

I've lost a few potential partners because of my anxiety, I was so afraid of meeting their parents and having them frown upon me that I backed out and wanted them to stay with me rather than the other way around. I am a lonely man because of my anxiety and people make fun of my awkwardness and i'm in my 30's.

But as for the sex...well that is just a bonus round in a relationship but it shouldn't be the basis of a relationship. Maybe he is a sex addict.

a reply to: Thecakeisalie

True about anxiety. Though with his ex, they lived together, was with his and her friends and families.
None of that with me for almost 5 yrs.
Like someone else wrote, it's like I am a secret.

I honestly think he is a sex addict. The shows he watches and well... yeah.

a reply to: crappiekat

Well, I do to a degree agree.
Before I let him get whatever he wanted with no effort, because I wanted him, I love him so much, want him to be happy. I didn't think about myself.

This time around though, I am beginning to see these things, I had some feeling before too but now I have really awoken.
So I don't give him what he wants without me getting something.
No sex unless we have fun, he makes an effort.
Those 3 times we had sex was because I was in the mood, I bacically used him, he enjoyed it though.

But now, still nothing, we were supposed to go to a movie planned by ME but he couldn't come after a whole week of saying how he longed for it. Since month ONE of our "dating" we agreed to take a boat trip 36 hours, several months later NOTHING, he spoke so much about how he wanted to go, though never bringing it up, I brought it up, I had to do all the planning, find dates, he promises so much but when it comes time to shove, nothing. He hasnt mentioned it or even just a simply thing like "what has happened with the trip, we can sit down and book it tomorrow (or whatever day)." nada.

so... he hasnt lived up to his end this time around, and I am beginning to see all of these things during the years now.
Ive only been waking up to this for maybe 2-3 weeks now. Havent met him for almost 3 weeks now, I don't want to. I need to figure this out. Which i have of course.

a reply to: lightedhype

I dont even want to have HIS babies. In the beginning I wanted, but after 2 months when I began to see this "relationship" to what it is and how everything feels like a lie, I don't want his babies, I don't want my babies to have any dna relation to him even there is like, no way!

When he said those things about making a baby instead of having a baby, I began thinking that way too, maybe it is only a trap.

And Yes, I have felt unsafe with him around, not giving him sex will that make him one day just almost make me have sex with him aka rape, or manipulate me into having sex with him.
I have my dog at home, and when he becomes too sufficating with his never ending kisses, touhes and trying to pull me over to him my dogs comes between us and barks, he backs off.

I am grateful for my dog during those moments, I think she feels my energy when he does that and I dont want to.
But it shouldn't have to be that way.
He is more sexual aggressive now than previous and I believe it is because I don't give in as I did before.

But I am asking here because I don't want to feel maybe I am paranoid about it. I mean, Guys are different, though, from previous relationships this is one of a kind I must say.

No worries, I wont be spending my time with him anymore. I will let this fade away.
I really needed some outside verification about this.

originally posted by: spazze


But now, still nothing, we were supposed to go to a movie planned by ME but he couldn't come after a whole week of saying how he longed for it. Since month ONE of our "dating" we agreed to take a boat trip 36 hours, several months later NOTHING, he spoke so much about how he wanted to go, though never bringing it up, I brought it up, I had to do all the planning, find dates, he promises so much but when it comes time to shove, nothing. He hasnt mentioned it or even just a simply thing like "what has happened with the trip, we can sit down and book it tomorrow (or whatever day)." nada.

You might not like what I/m going to say its blunt ....but you asked, so

here goes...

What's that on your forehead ? take a look ... Oh ....it says DOORMAT

a reply to: spazze

This thread should not be in the relationships forum. Instead it should be in the 'Natural Disasters Forum', or the 'PLAIN AS THE NOSE ON YOUR FACE FORUM.'

I can easily understand a young man wanting sex every time he is with a young woman who has sex with him. But from your telling, there seems to be nothing else going on. Now if having sex every time you are with him is what YOU want also then what is the prob. But from what you say, you do not. You say you "give' it to him, not 'have it' with him or better yet 'take it from' him.

But don't forget, you started your time with him in a 'FWB' situation. You set the precedent and he just followed his penis from there. But you say that you had 'feelings' for him, and as you keep letting him back into your life, I assume you still do.

But you want more. And though he may learn the words to say, like "I love you", in order to continue the sex, I think he will not be aggressively striving to mature. He will do what he can to keep the sex coming.

He may not be a bad guy, or playing with you but he certainly sounds lazy and self centered. And no matter how sweet your charms, you will not change this in him.

And when a man approaches who has not demonstrated any desire to form a mutual and social commitment and then says he 'wants a baby', well, that takes it to a whole higher order of lazy. To say that he wants a baby might indeed take my evalutaluation of him from lazy to ''playing you"

I mean, come on now, off and on for 5 years?

I cant speak from much experience but from what I have read it is best to eject at the first sign of bad behavior and or blatant disregard/disrespect directed toward you from a potential mate.

That way you save time and energy and a whole lot of heartache.

a reply to: TerryMcGuire

I know how stupid it sounds, I know how insane it seems, but yes.

I was inlove with him and over the times I still love him very much, and that part of me hopes that maybe he has grown up or maybe he has changed this time around. It sort of makes me blind, but not this time though, because this time it felt set up from the start, but my feelings hadnt changed.

Now it has changed, I see the truth now, it took me 5 years though.
We are both 29 yrs old.

reply to: laminatedsoul

I apologize if being direct is uncouth.
I just find it to be more productive. Why use fifty words when five will do?

And there is nothing wrong with the term Lady. Thinking there is says more about you than it does myself.

Cheers

a reply to: spazze

you began as friends with benefits?

girl, that's the problem. friends first. just plain old friends.

In order to trust him, you need to get to know him fully and let him know you fully. Then work at it. I think what you're going through sounds pretty normal. But yeah, being best friends is how you trust one another

a reply to: intrptr

Hey, sex can be love--in fact, it should be love. Yeah, men are dogs, but they're not all lifetime movie useless men, you know. lol Of course, lust has to do with sex sometimes--but sex is making love. that's why you're not supposed to have sex with someone you don't love.

a reply to: rukia

I have come to terms with that that was the problem, friends with benefits, and I will never do that again. Havent since. He was my only friends with benefits, never had one before or after.

I fell inlove with him, but I don't believe he has with me.

Though I do and always have been a firm believer that sex is not love. It is a physical lust.
But of course sex can be wonderful shared with someone you love, truly love, who also loves you back.

originally posted by: spazze
a reply to: laminatedsoul

Thank you!
Yes, now looking back I am also surprised I have givven him that many chances.
He is like a cold that after you have gotten rid of it, it comes back after a while.

Though this time I can really see it now. Because of all of the serious talks we have had about mostly the sexual stuff but also about how I want to be treated and how we should go out and do things together, several months in still nothing.

He hasn't even asked if we are an item. I don't think he even cares to be honest.
Love makes you blind sometime, hope too. It's been too many times now. It has to stop. because I am not happy in this at all!

A good way to get a firm grip on something that your mind wants to keep sliding around, is to do exactly what you did. Write it down. Now read it. Read it from the perspective of a stranger. Look at it through the eyes of someone that doesn't know you or him.

I think the picture is probably very clear by this point.

I love mangoes, but if a leaf from the tree, just lightly brushes my face, it has me looking like Jabba, and I can't open my eyes for a week.

Some things you love can be toxic, deadly, and better avoided.

Seems to me that if you think of it as 'giving him sex' then you've kinda created this mess yourself.

Please - if you don't know any better and you decide not to listen to us - listen to your dog.

There is the one person who knows you and loves you and she is trying to protect you from this creep.

I don't care if you think you love him. He doesn't love you. So get rid of him.

ETA - more importantly, he doesn't respect you either.

IMO, it sounds like there's 2 things going on. One, you're being played like a fiddle by a player playing other women. And two, you actually might be subconsciously enjoying the drama. I'm going to be THAT person and point out the the baby excuse wasn't always used or you'd have listed it more than once. Ergo, the drama may be your lure, conscious or not, not him specifically.

Mutually assured destruction in the bed there. Time to split ways permanently, get new numbers, block emails & hermetically seal off the FB, etc. If you can't bring yourself to do that & stick with it, you need to deeply examine why you can't.

And how old are you, anyway? I LOL'd at once or twice a week being too much sex. I'm 31 married to a 44 year old, sex twice a week is normal for us. Less than we want, but time & kids limit the bumpin'. I think once weekly is at least a national average as it is. Now, too much for us may have been back way before kids & we'd go at it twice a day. Even I have to look back & admit we were total horny toads.

a reply to: Metallicus
I hate to do this, especially since I think you are wrong 99% of the time, but in this case you are right.

The man is the perfect example of a sociopath. They tell you what they think you want oto here. They come across as charming and sweet. The will promise you the moon and and have a way with words. The evidence is in their actions.