Posting obituary on Facebook---before notifying family members?

originally posted by: calstorm
a reply to: diggindirt

People do things in the throws of grief, that may seem inappropriate to those on the outside, but grief clouds ones judgment. Never hold anything against anyone, when it comes to how they respond to grief.

My measure of things is this: How would I want to be treated?
Hint: This is not the way I would want to be treated but I shouldn't have been surprised.
This rant is my way of getting the anger out of my system so I can pretend that he is something he is not over the next few days as we go forward.
Your words are fairly close to what I said to the girls, telling them he was in shock, etc...and yet again, making excuses for the sorry bit of meat that fathered them. They didn't buy it. Too much history there. They've seen how he treated his Mom, they know how he treated them. They are adults and I'm thankful that he was gone from all our lives for 17 years while they were growing up.

It seems that your X Mother-In-Law was still a special person in your life. I am sorry for your loss and for your Daughters loss.

a reply to: diggindirt

You can always look at it another way. At least people knew one way or the other. He could have kept it to himself for the time being & dropped the info on Christmas or even farther off in the future. /shrug

I really think you need to leave it alone & let him come to terms, and do the same yourself. For someone who's children are full-grown 30-something adults, don't you think they're big enough to handle it themselves not being first in line for death news? Or is this just all about you wanting taking advantage of the passing & notification method to get even with the man somehow?

I'm a 30-something adult. If my mother made herself the center of attention in the event of the death of a paternal relative, I'd be pretty embarrassed, to be honest.

a reply to: diggindirt
My mom committed suicide when I was young, nuff said. I am recovering from more recent losses and very sympathetic to grief. I am not defending any action he has taken outside of his grief, I don't know him. I just know when people suffer a loss, normal behavioral expectations do not apply.

I understand the need to vent, vent away about all the other things he has done, but give him a pass on this.

a reply to: WakeUpBeer

I'll just bet she wasn't less than five blocks from you when she died.

The girls met with their pastor tonight. Where I failed to find a way to help them to forgiveness (because my anger was clouding my judgement) he, being far more experienced in dealing with angry, grief-stricken relatives, was able to comfort them.
The pastor could sit there and tell them the same thing I'd said, "It's all about love and forgiveness." without the deep anger I was feeling when I said it. He could speak with the mammalian part of his brain.
The reptilian part of my brain was activated....making me want to take up a a 2x4 and go forth....struggling not to break the vow I made all those years ago to never slander their father in their presence. I'm sitting there trying to convince them that going off on him isn't going to change anything....accomplish anything...

So tomorrow I sincerely hope that we will all be past it and will have a lot of laughs and sharing of good memories as we go through our photos for her memorial. We will eat the pan of brownies she had baked on Saturday night and have a few glasses of wine. We'll cry too. We'll mourn for our loss and celebrate her reunion with the only man she ever loved. She had a wonderful and active 85 years. We'll miss her terribly.

originally posted by: calstorm
I just know when people suffer a loss, normal behavioral expectations do not apply.

Very true. When my husband's dad died some years back, he skipped the funeral & made a day trip to the local history museum with our kids instead. Said his best memories of his dad were learning things with him & it seemed a fitting way to reflect versus a sobbing gathering. I'm sure that reflected poorly on him when he told relatives he wasn't going, but as far as he was concerned, they could stuff it. People deal in their own ways.

a reply to: Night Star

She was an amazing lady. One of a very few people I've ever witnessed offer true, unconditional love.

We had plans to hit the local nurseries tomorrow to get the end of season bargains. Instead we'll be sorting through 85 years of photos for her memorial. It doesn't seem possible.

As I told my girls tonight, we can take comfort in the knowledge of her love, the last words we heard from her were, "I love you." and our last words to her were the same. Whether it was in person or on the phone, each visit ended that way.

I was blessed with two wonderful mothers-in-law. I never had a harsh word with either of them. They loved each other! When my Beloved's mother would come to visit she would always spend at least a day with my ex-mother-in-law. They worried over the kids and plotted ways to spoil them.

a reply to: diggindirt

I wasn't trying to sound like how we were informed was any worse than yours.

My bad if I came off that way.

Yours definitely has more grief. I sincerely hope things get better.

originally posted by: Nyiah
a reply to: diggindirt

You can always look at it another way. At least people knew one way or the other. He could have kept it to himself for the time being & dropped the info on Christmas or even farther off in the future. /shrug

I really think you need to leave it alone & let him come to terms, and do the same yourself. For someone who's children are full-grown 30-something adults, don't you think they're big enough to handle it themselves not being first in line for death news? Or is this just all about you wanting taking advantage of the passing & notification method to get even with the man somehow?

I'm a 30-something adult. If my mother made herself the center of attention in the event of the death of a paternal relative, I'd be pretty embarrassed, to be honest.

I honestly don't understand your first paragraph. There was no way of keeping it to himself. The girls would have noticed that she was missing when they went to her house for their usual Sunday night visit.
My ex-husband's family had a tradition; during football season the men watched the game and the women got together for girly stuff, crafts, sewing projects, etc., usually connected with Christmas. She had baked the brownies for the Girly Night on Saturday night. She had also laid out the materials for decorating Christmas ornaments for a charity sale.

They came to me for comfort, terribly hurt---once again---because their father took no thought whatsoever about how they would feel getting the news that way. Just as it shouldn't have surprised and angered me, it shouldn't have surprised and angered them. But they're human and they are loving, thoughtful women.
I'm not sure how you think I made myself the center of their attention....I've always been the one they've turned to because he's never been there. Not once.
My goal was to try to get them beyond that hurt, think of the good memories of their grandmother rather than dwelling on their misfortune of being born to a father that considers himself the center of the universe.

I'm not sure what you might be imagining that I need to "let alone." I'm ranting to get it behind me. Letting it alone, leaving it to fester would only breed more anger. Helping my girls to find a way to forgive and get it behind them is my goal.

Yes, I want to smack his jaws. Because he's a serial emotional abuser. That's why he finds himself, in his own words, "alone" despite the fact that he has two wonderful daughters and two fine grandsons. To expect anything I or the girls would say to him would change anything would be sheer insanity. To be surprised that he would exploit his mother's death would be just plain silly. His behavior has remained constant over the past 40 years, why would I or anyone expect it to change?

If I'd had the opportunity while the sun was shining so beautifully this afternoon, I would have taken to my garden to work off my anger. I find pulling weeds very good for working off that emotion.
I could have taken out my anger on my Beloved I suppose but he was right there with me this afternoon, trying to console the girls. He's dealing with his anger too.
Instead I decided to rant to my ATS family. I appreciate them for their understanding.

a reply to: WakeUpBeer
No, not your bad at all, just me lashing out. I apologize.
I'm currently self-medicating with a glass of wine and some good chocolate.

Our family has a letter like that, with the lock of hair.

a reply to: diggindirt

No sir, it was me. I casually strolled in your thread, spit out a line about my own family, then proceeded to walk out without being sensitive to your own dealings. I'm not good with advice on these matters, it sounds pretty rough. But you have my support, for what it's worth to you.

Hmmmm except posting on ATS allows one to post with anonymity and won't automatically notify anyone unless it's flagged or you already posted as the OP stated to you.


How's the weather up there on your high horse kettle master? Find your pot?




reply to: schuyler

a reply to: diggindirt

Pretty reprehensible--at least he's not living in your home and a daily nuisance to you anymore.

But you know, my good friends just lost their dad unexpectedly (heart attack) a little over a week ago, and they almost immediately posted about it. It's possible that there were a few family members that didn't know before that happened, but I'm not sure.

My point being that when you're hit with such a high amount of grief and feeling of loneliness so suddenly, it's pretty easy in modern times for people to turn to Facebook in order to get the highest amount of sympathy and well wishes to make themselves feel better. I'm not saying that's what happened here, but it's a thought.

Did he not even send a text or leave a message on their phones? Seems like they would have received them and checked that before looking on Facebook and finding it, if that's the case.

But regardless, don't let his methods bleed such anger into your life--it's not worth it.

a reply to: SlapMonkey

Not worth it indeed.
Yesterday after the arrangements were made at the funeral home he went to each of the sons-in-law and the grandsons hitting them up for $1000 each to "buy a suit for Mama's funeral." He hit up the guys because the girls knew he has a suit that his Mama bought for him just a couple of months ago for a cousin's funeral.
We're over the anger. Pity is the only emotion I can muster. He is truly alone now because of his behavior, except for all his FB friends in far away places.

Some of these replies are so inconsiderate to the OP. You do not know her or her ex. All you know is what she says or reveals of herself or her ex. You should try giving someone the benefit of the doubt, if you wish to post. Why assume that her ex is a great guy and she's just too biased in her position to say so? She didn't go into a lengthy explanation of her ex's past behaviour and personality because she came here to rant, not to justify herself.

It's amazing how many people love to jump to a man's side of an issue without knowing what he is all about, just to be considerate of someone they don't know, while disrespecting the individual who is talking...

Indeed it was a selfish thing to do. In tough times people often show their true colours. Some people become more human, more caring and sensitive to those they care about, while others become more cold and inconsiderate. It doesn't matter how devastating the news. He should have either informed those close to the deceased or asked someone else to do it for him. To me, such a thing would just come natural. I wouldn't even have to think about it. But like I say, not everyone acts that way when life gets tough. Their inconsiderate nature hurts others, which causes them to be upset, so they need to blow off some steam...

a reply to: LoneCloudHopper2

Thank you.
None of us should have expected him to consider anyone's feelings other than his own. He completely ignored the girls for 17 years, no contact at all. He didn't even bother to come around when his Dad died because his Dad had kicked him out of the house several years earlier.
Today he was already planning to move into his Mom's house. Boy, is he in for a big surprise when Granny's will is read!

a reply to: diggindirt

Sounds like a real winner, that guy.

Good on ya for ridding your life of him (as much as you can, I guess).

My mom has a few ex-husbands (yes, a few...she's on marriage four, but it should last) who I have a similar sentiment for as you do for yours.