Got myself in a mess - a few wise words needed...

originally posted by: lovebeck
You are, absolutely and totally, a victim of abuse...Has nothing to do with being "comfortable." This statement, to me, shows that you have NO self worth. He's pretty much depleted it, but that doesn't mean it is lost forever.

I think, quite clearly, that she is a survivor trying not to be a victim. It's a subtle distinction, and a slow realisation that some make too late.

OP, I know exactly where you are coming from, perhaps even a little more so, as I could be quite the aggressor myself and mistook abuse for fighting and passion, it takes a while to realise that their self-worth is entangled with you having to lose every time. That the smaller you feel, the more of a man they feel they are. That thing with the Police, that's when it really hit home for me, and I suddenly realised what a cliche my life had become. You sit down and the officer opens a draw and pulls out an A4 pad of preprinted forms and begins to ask you questions and tick boxes on that form. That's the humbling thing, that this happens so often and in so many homes, that there is a preprinted form that encapsulates it. 13 years of banging my own head up against a brick wall summed up on 2 sides of A4 paper.

I'm not much of a victim myself, I'm not comfortable with that label either, but I can hurt and suffer, and I am entitled to my opinion without it being smacked down no matter how "wrong" it may be. It is abusive to purposefully make me hurt and suffer, and my legal right to complain if I think that I am being unjustly treated. I had to assert that right though, otherwise I would have been a victim.

Take care

a reply to: Anaana

She's not quite a survivor, yet, as the abuse is still going on.

Until she can find the strength to put this man out of her life, for good, and fix what he has broken, she will be a victim.

Once she takes care of herself and puts this behind her, she will be a survivor, as long as the cycle stops and doesn't repeat itself.

But, I get what you're saying, too.

a reply to: lovebeck

Thanks for every word - I agree with everything you said - just to let you know that I am required to have personal therapy as part of my training and this, plus a combination of things we are learning in class, has bought everything to a head for me. Or tutors warned us this would happen too, but I thought I was immune! How wrong I was!
I agree we need to have dealt with our own issues before we can counsel another person and this is part of the 'awakening' for me. I have s long way to go but your replies really do help.
I don't mind you being direct - I need it!

a reply to: Anaana
Thank you very much
I will do as you surged and log everything and the harassment order is a back up I could use if things go very pear shaped
Thanks again

a reply to: Anaana and to 'love beck'

I can relate to what you are saying Anaana and thanks for sharing your own experiences - sounds like you have been through tough times yourself.

I am finding strength day by day and I have to build up to action against him that I can sustain - problem is I suffer with terrible guilt which I hate myself for saying and I know it sounds like a cliche but when he is nice and 'normal' I am so relieved that I go along with it but then he becomes aggressive and irrational and I'm back to square one.
At least now I have an awareness of the reality of the situation and through therapy and my course I know I will find it in myself to stand up on my own.

I am so determined to dig myself ( and my kids) out of this hole and I WILL do it! I'm looking forward to being a survivor instead of surviving.

Thanks again for every reply X

originally posted by: Lovely1973
I am finding strength day by day and I have to build up to action against him that I can sustain - problem is I suffer with terrible guilt which I hate myself for saying and I know it sounds like a cliche but when he is nice and 'normal' I am so relieved that I go along with it but then he becomes aggressive and irrational and I'm back to square one.
At least now I have an awareness of the reality of the situation and through therapy and my course I know I will find it in myself to stand up on my own.

There is no easy way, no right way and no short cuts, particularly if you want your children to have a healthy relationship with their father. Someone, and clearly it isn't going to be him, has to be the adult, so that leaves you. He is a child, treat him like one. Reward him when he is good, cut him off when he is bad. You are obviously a brilliant parent, I'm sure you know how it goes. YOU set the rules, YOU are in charge. Easier said than done, I know. It is a hard long road with only yourself to pat yourself on the back, if you have the energy that is. You know the score, and you best know what will and won't work for you. Giving him the opportunity to be in his children's life does not give him any rights to you or your emotions, so don't give him access or opportunity to think otherwise. Put up a wall and defend it. He's struggling to hold on, you need to communicate loud and clear that you are long gone, then perhaps he will start realising that he is an adult too.

Get help and know what help is available. Don't take risks you don't have to, if in doubt, err on the side of caution, those children need you. They can manage without him, the way he is, but he and they will benefit more if he wakes up and takes responsibility for himself - first and foremost. You're already doing that, and it is okay to just tell him to # off if he can't behave like an adult.

All the best.