From Hate to Love: Complain -> Tolerate -> Accept -> Appreciate

The only real choice with every thought and word, is to Complain or Appreciate.

There are many different Subjects and with every Subject whether money, family, friends, a lover, or any other topic; we can find things we Appreciate on all of these subjects or complain about.

When we Appreciate, we are healthier and the world looks like a brighter and more kind place to us.

I read a study out of Stanford University, which found complaining is actually bad for your health, that the words really sunk in. The study discovered that just one-half an hour of complaining daily damages a person's brain, and here's the catch: it doesn't matter if you're the one doing the grumbling OR the one listening to it -- it registers the exact same in your brain. "Exposure to negativity peels back neurons in the hippocampus—the part of the brain used for problem solving and cognitive function. Over time, complaining becomes a habit. If you’re surrounded by complainers, then you’re more likely become one." Yikes.

- HilaryPhelps.com

With more Appreciation, there are more feelings of friendliness and love.

Practice loving thy neighbour instead of condemning thy neighbour, and there will be more peace, and you will be happier.

a reply to: arpgme

Classic 1st world "fluffy" esoteric advice. If it only was so simple for all of us.

Heck yeah. Let's start a professional kickball league.

a reply to: Peeple

This information isn't just true for some people, but everyone. Complaining releases cortisol which is harmful to the brain and memory.

a reply to: arpgme

But what do we do when our neighbour is very selfish, greedy, bullying, imposing and all the other horrors???

Forgive them 70 X 7 I guess. However, that process leaves little room for the finer nuances of positive relationships.

I struggle with Christ. Yes, we can just go along with Him parrot fashion, but is that sincere? Is that real?

Like the other response...if only life were that simple!

originally posted by: Revolution9
a reply to: arpgme

But what do we do when our neighbour is very selfish, greedy, bullying, imposing and all the other horrors???

Forgive them 70 X 7 I guess. However, that process leaves little room for the finer nuances of positive relationships.

I struggle with Christ. Yes, we can just go along with Him parrot fashion, but is that sincere? Is that real?

Like the other response...if only life were that simple!

Pew pew. Pew

a reply to: arpgme

It depends on what, but the hypothesis is sound. I try to complain less every day, I have been doing this for awhile. Unless it is very important.

I Have also become more of a 'hugger'. Hugging friends upon parting. I am so glad I started doing that, as a friend I hugged after seeing her last, died the next day, at 30. I had never been 'a hugger'.

Now I tell relatives and my SO who lives several states away 'Love you' before I hang up the phone.

Many may have thought I have gone daft. I had not been like that most of m life. I would think those things, but not say them or do them.

I make a point of stating my appreaciation for things that friends or relatives have done, big or small.

I will make a point here, that I care so much about the ATS community. Even those I disagree with. We are so lucky to have this forum.


The OP is a very important idea.






It doesn't mean to stop complaining, just to complain less, I think.

a reply to: arpgme

Complaining is expressed tensions and mostly a symptom but not the problem. You advertise being dull.

originally posted by: Peeple
a reply to: arpgme

Complaining is expressed tensions and mostly a symptom but not the problem. You advertise being dull.

How does the OP advertise being dull?

a reply to: reldra

Accepting what causes tensions instead of working on improvement makes you dull.

originally posted by: Peeple
a reply to: reldra

Accepting what causes tensions instead of working on improvement makes you dull.

I don;t find that to be the OP or the study behind it to be the aim. The aim was to appreciate more and to not be 'surrounded by complainers'. It was not to cease complaining.

a reply to: arpgme

The only real choice with every thought and word, is to Complain or Appreciate.

A false dilemma from the very start.

originally posted by: arpgme
The only real choice with every thought and word, is to Complain or Appreciate.
With more Appreciation, there are more feelings of friendliness and love.

The surrounding comments are just so fluffy and wrong it made me barf a bit.
Also it advertises acceptance instead of improvement and nobody complains without a reason.

I've learned to avoid complainers and whiners.
I've been in situations that could easily be perceived as utter crap and still maintained a sense of humor.
Am I a homeless squatter and eating from a garbage can, or do I own a three story building and get free pizza?

For me, complaining is seeking help with the process of tolerance and understanding.

If I find myself having an adverse reaction something or someone,
I know that only understanding will help me gain tolerance or appreciation.

I try to see their place in the bigger picture,
I try to understand what their motivations and intents are,
I try to appreciate in what contexts this event or behavior has a legitimate and constructive role, and how it might have developed.

Sometimes I can't see these answers alone- I am missing information, experience, or there are certain things I am blidn to for one reason or another.
I need the input of another to help me get to appreciation.

So I explain to a friend my discomfort, and what it is exactly I don't understand or appreciate.

Hopefully, he or she will have some new angles or perspectives to offer me to help me out.

Seeking some aid in the process is not bad. If you always arrive at understanding without any input from anyone else, that's great! I sometimes need a helping hand.

The objection that seeking appreciation and understanding is synonymous with passivity and lack of action is mistaken.

It is part of the process of seeking solutions to the conflict to undertake.

There are many different examples that suddenly rise to mind, but trying to use a very common one many could relate to-
You are upset with a behavior someone has, it is disrupting something you are trying to do, and you see it has some very destructive effects in the environment.

You can simply go directly into action, and try to stop or change their behavior through use of brut physical or emotional force,
Or you can carefully examine and gain understanding of why they do it, what their motivations are, how they might have developed that, etc.


With understanding and appreciation, you are better equipped to approach them and work together on a solution.
Like if you are in a position like employer, this is extremely important to know. It can allow you to find the strengths in your employees that seem, at first glance, to be flaws, because they are not being expressed in the right context- you can find other ways for them to better use that strength.

originally posted by: Peeple
a reply to: reldra

Accepting what causes tensions instead of working on improvement makes you dull.

Why can't you do both?

You seem to think that acceptance is the end of the line. I accept the way I am now, but I also see the room for improvement. I don't complain about the faults I can improve on, I work on them.

IMO, people who complain about things have problem solving issues. You complain when you can't do anything about the situation or person you're complaining about.

originally posted by: InTheShadows

IMO, people who complain about things have problem solving issues. You complain when you can't do anything about the situation or person you're complaining about.

I can't help but disagree.

When it comes to events in which people are involved, you're dealing with individuals who are all different- so in order to find solutions, you have to expand your mind to perceiving the different aspects of the individuals.

It's like deciding to repair the dishwasher, when you know nothing about the mechanism inside the dishwasher!
Going around asking others, "are you familiar with this kind of dishwasher? Do you know how it works inside? Why there might be this sound coming out of it? Or why it is doing this?"

Is, in my mind, a valuable thing to carry out!
(but maybe it's because I am female. While I read the manual or go looking on line when something is needing repair, my husband simply bangs it or tries to force it - and usually breaks it beyond repair. LOL!)

I often have the feeling that people who systematically get irritated by someone complaining are actually only irritated because they do not have any constructive advice or insights to offer. Like the person who knows ziltch about dishwashing machines being asked about them.

...then there's the individuals that complain all the time, but with no intent to understand. They exist too, and are often looking to bond with others (with common enemy, shared struggles, type of relatedness). That can be dealt with effectively too....

a reply to: InTheShadows

Or complaining is talking about what bothers you. The next step from acceptance was appreciation in the op, so good for you if to you there is improvement working on a solution for you, but that's pretty much what i was critisising(about the op).

I'm not against complaining, though I think appreciating is important as well. I think that complaining constantly is distasteful.

The first step to solving any problem is an evaluation. If the problem involves any aspect that could be thought of as undesirable to the one considerng it, any verbalization of that problem would technically be a complaint. I've often found that discussing my personal challenges with others helps me to expand my thought process beyond that which my inner dialogue can provide. Hence complaints.

I think the more important question is how do you cope with those challenges that you encounter in life? Can you develop and maintain a positive outlook in the face of what can sometimes be negative experiences? Ignoring the negative aspects of life will not make them go away. I think it's better to learn to transcend those negative experiences than to try to ignore them. Develop a positive outlook on the situation despite its negative aspects. What's even better, are those instances where you can take the negative energy of a situation and transmute it into a positive outcome. Complaints figure into these methods fairly intimately. A good sense of humor and lots of humility do too, though. It's better to laugh about it than cry about it, but it's even better if you can laugh about it while crying about it.

Then there's the whole aspect of this conversation that goes like: I can't seem to get enough complaints, really. At least, not enough honest criticism from people that I'd care to hear it from. I've noticed that people in general, at least in America it seems, will complain of you but usually will not complain to you.

You see a guy and he's got a huge booger in his beard. Do you tell him? I challenge myself, to try to be the guy that will tell you what he thinks even when most people would not. A majority of people do not share my point of view, it seems. You think people would tell you when they think you're messing up, usually they just sit back and watch the show, though.

Hehe. Once I mini-puked into the sleeve of a parka that I own, and then being busy forgot all about it. Didn't really notice the smell, until I heard some people comment about it in a bar several weeks later. They didn't actually say anything to me, of course. A trick in the acoustics of the room allowed me to hear it, and then I realized that that funky smell I thought I'd smelled on and off over the past few weeks was me (or my coat at least)! A little embarrassing, to say the least. Point is, nobody mentioned it to me. How many people must I have grossed out with my bile encrusted parka without realizing it? Eww.

Don't even get me started on the multitude of social faux pas I've commited over the years. Again, nobody really says anything, at least not to me. I have gained some wisdom in that arena by researching the gossip about myself, a difficult proposition for me as I'm not really one to gossip. A person actually confronting me about problems that they have with me is an extremely rare occurrence, however.