Parents--Be a Superhero

Near my house there's a beautiful park with miles of trails running across and around a deep river gorge.

But the best trail of all is within that river.

Over nine feet deep in places, that slow-flowing river cascades and waterfalls between steep shelves of blue shale and crumbling granite. It proceeds past shores of brown mud and thick-packed clay.

Following it downstream you'll climb cautiously over car-sized boulders and step carefully through leg-long trenches.

Most of it remains little more than calf-deep, but a few sections require a quick dive and a longer swim.

There I normally take my dog for adventure. There my 40lb. hound leaps between rocks and paddles like a champ.

But last weekend I had the privilege of going there with my friend's daughter.

Twelve years old and filled with energy, she bounces rather than strolls.

Young and exuberant and full of life, she's like a living anime character.

With her she forgot her bathing suit but remembered her sparkly fedora. Then once there she found a branch taller than her and started wielding it like a spear.

By the end of that miles-long journey downstream she fell into those waters more than I could count, and she laughed about it every time.

By the cessation of that voyage I began calling her the Fish Assassin because she loved heaving rocks towards schools of unsuspecting minnows.

"Do you know anyone that can teach me to use a sword?" she asked when we were sitting on the hot stones of the shore.

"I sure do," I replied, to which I've never seen a kid get more excited.

She loves anime and video games and computers and martial arts. And she doesn't really know anything about my friend, her biological father.

Their situation is... complicated... and wildly inappropriate for divulging online. But suffice to say he only established a relationship with her in the past year.

Thus he's got an incredible opportunity before him--the chance to reinvent himself anew, and remake himself into an idol for his little girl.

Kids that young are so impressionable that whatever they experience becomes their definition of normal. And for girls that age, whatever kind of males enter their life become the de facto standard for adjudicating potential boyfriends down the line.

Thus long and hard I've stressed unto him the importance of becoming a role model for his newly-met daughter. I want him to use that opportunity as incentive to actualize further and start working towards his ideal self.

I want him to show her an adventurous, healthy-eating, rock-climbing, mountaineering, jungle-exploring, race-car driving, philosophizing champion of light and love. I want him to give her a larger-than-life example of masculinity to which only the best guys will compare.

I want him to get inspired and become a superhero for his kid.

And I think all parents could benefit by doing the same.

Having a child is an opportunity to become a paragon to one lucky boy or girl. It's the chance to become the shining star you always wanted be.

It's far too easy for kids to get trapped in normalcy bias then unthinkingly adopt the predilections and failings of their forebears. It's much too simple for parents to cease expanding their horizons past middle-age.

Those twin traps perpetuate cycles of negativity and stagnation. And they can continue endlessly throughout time until a more conscious generation breaks that cycle.

If you find yourself caught in that trap--shatter it now. If you find yourself still demonstrating negative behaviors for your children--whether that involves poor eating habits or anger management issues or anything else--please start working to stop.

Having a child need not be the end of the world. It should be the beginning of a much brighter reality where you have a constant incentive to be the best example you can be.

I don't know if my friend got the point. I don't know if he's seeing my vision of reality.

All I know is the three of us are going karting next weekend (electric karts on a fast indoor track--I'm psyched). And we're all having a video game party the weekend after.

Then maybe, if I'm lucky, one weekend soon I'll get to teach a little girl how to use a sword.

And even if my friend does nothing--even if he refuses rise to the occasion--I've still got an incentive to show her a superhero in myself.

For any of you that feel as if you were gypped out of the experience of having a child....

Feel free to cover the $3500 bill I just got for the broken arm my 7yr old got when she fell from a horse...




It's time to spread the love....

originally posted by: nullafides
For any of you that feel as if you were gypped out of the experience of having a child....

Feel free to cover the $3500 bill I just got for the broken arm my 7yr old got when she fell from a horse...




It's time to spread the love....

My 4 kids are the best thing that ever happened to me.... so many great memories... I don't care how much they have cost me.

Nice post.

I found myself falling into a slightly different trap.

Fortunately, my wife was able to stay home for the first year after our son was born. Then, we were fortunate in that she was able to get a good job working nights at one of the larger hospital systems in our area on a per diem basis (typically weekends with a weeknight here and there). During the week she would take him to the park during the day and on weekends we would all do something together before she would go to work.

Fast forward until about 9 months ago, and our son was a little older than 3 years old....

My wife took the opportunity to go full time evenings, Monday through Friday. It's great in the sense that since I work days we didn't have to worry about child care. However, it is exhausting for both of us.

Here comes the trap. For the first few months of our new schedule, I found that my routine was basically come home from a long day, and more or less plop down on the bed and watch tv. Of course I made sure the kid was fed and bathed and all that. I was sort of telling myself that since just he and I were home, we were spending time together. Then, like a light switch going on in my head, I realized that just because we were both home, that does NOT mean that we were really spending time together.

At that realization, I felt horrible. Feelings of guilt and shame. Rather than wallow in self pity though, I decided to change my ways. Now, I make sure that EVERY DAY we go do SOMETHING together. Doesn't matter if its going to the pool or the park or just playing the in back yard or watering plants or even running some errands around town. THAT is spending time together. Not that were weren't very close to begin with, but over the past several months we have become so much closer and as a bonus, I think about all the memories we are making and how much better that is than feeling guilty.

On a side note: You mentioned the relationship is "complicated." I got the impression that the father hasn't (or wasn't) around much during the first years. I remember before we had our son, I used to just think that dead-beat dads were jerks and left it at that. After seeing first hand how much work goes into raising a kid, especially during the first few years when they can't do anything for themselves... I found that I had an absolute hatred for the dead-beat dad. Beyond that, I can't imagine what goes through someone's mind, knowing they have a kid and not wanting to spend as much time as possible with him/her. Don't they want to see them? Don't they want to protect them?

a reply to: eluryh22

Thanks for sharing your own story. You sound like an awesome dad--that's all you can do is catch your mistake and correct it asap, and it sounds like you're doing the right thing making memories IRL (in real life) instead of ATT (afront the television).

For ethical reasons (I'd feel gross), I can't/won't really elaborate on the complexities between friend and daughter. But I will agree with you that deadbeat dads do the world a massive injustice--especially when it's a little girl who grows up without a father-figure in her life... because I think we all know how those stories end up, and it's rarely pretty.

originally posted by: nullafides
For any of you that feel as if you were gypped out of the experience of having a child....

Feel free to cover the $3500 bill I just got for the broken arm my 7yr old got when she fell from a horse...




It's time to spread the love....

Yikes, sorry to hear that.

This probably won't make you feel any better right now, but ten years from now you won't remember the bill.

But your young daughter will always remember she had parents so cool they let her grow up riding horses.

(Hope her arm heals perfectly! And I hope she doesn't stay scared of her furry friends!)

a reply to: Trachel

Inspiring story your a good man

Greg

a reply to: Greg987

Thanks!

I dunno how good I am right now (who knows--she might stab her sister with a sword), but I keep trying to get better.

a reply to: tinker9917

Great. Pay the bills for mine while you're at it

originally posted by: nullafides
a reply to: tinker9917

Great. Pay the bills for mine while you're at it

Are you really saying that you would trade your kids for the money???