Losing the fight with destiny

a reply to: surrealist

I have been on my knees praying so many times. The nightmare has continued and I am left confused.

These recent events have been different though. There has been an urgency, a very real feeling that the struggle is almost over and that I was about to lose her.

A week ago, she was in a very bad state. Yesterday she seemed much improved, but I dare not think she was on the mend. Then when I saw her this morning, she seemed even better. She seems clear headed and is saying all the right things, yet still I am afraid to say it's over... been there, done that etc.

I have prayed much in the past and I will continue to do so.

My spirit has been lifted in the knowledge that other people are praying for her, taking time to think of her. Such kindness.

In return I find my prayers are not just for C, but are for others like her and for the mums and dads who know what it's like to have an addict in the family.

Bless you for your thoughts and please, please keep C in your prayers.

Oh by the way, this may sound trivial, but she laughed this morning. It was great to see.

a reply to: ashflash

Well this is very important to me so I'm sneaking in here, everyone else can do without me for short spell! Or a long spell. Whatever. This is important.

You more or less ask the eternal question we all ask, if there is a God who gives a poo, why do horrible things happen to good people. Oh well that's a complex mystery with a lot of different answers. I have no one answer, and there was a time I was angry enough over this question to declare myself an Atheist and walk the walk and talk the talk of one pretty well. The story of how I came to believe again is long and off topic and probably won't mean anything to anybody but me, anyway.

But I did find this gem in the discussion about an AI project exhibiting possible sentience. I hope I can insert the quote properly and give credit where it is due:

originally posted by: Blue Shift
I always say that in order for the intelligence to be human-like, a machine must experience existence at least partially in the same way that humans experience it. And to do that, the machine must understand that there is an actual (or vitrual, it doesn't matter) risk to their status or well-being with every choice they make. They have to value something.

So they need to potentially experience pain, loss, shame, loneliness, and all of the other negative things humans experience in life, or they just won't understand where we're coming from.

Of course, that all depends on whether or not we want them (or they want) to understand us. Otherwise, we're going to be stuck with trying to understand a type of intelligence that is completely foreign to us, and we might not be able to do it.

Suffering, across the board for humanity is the price of free will. And for all of that, free will and the exercise thereof is a precious gift. (If you believe in Jesus, one can surmise that God himself incarnated as Jesus to experience this gift and curse that we chose and to show us how to make the most of it.)

Believe or don't believe in the story of Adam and Eve as an actual piece of human history, the message in it is powerful regardless. Humanity traded paradise and life as protected pets to know a reality of choice, with all of its myriad consequences. Even if it is a work of fiction, it's a story that speaks to the heart of what it means to be human: to decide how you're going to live your life, while at the same time living in an uncertain world where your life could turn to crap or be ended without your say-so. Because it's only in an uncertain world that you can exercise choice.

But I beg to differ and say God does at times intervene. I've seen it in my own life. I've heard stories from friends I trust. Even though I adore George Carlin and think that the bit where he mocks a belief in God and God's Divine Plan is hilarious, I disagree with George about how he thinks God does or does not intervene in human affairs.

I also believe in the opposite of God. A Christian might call them demons, a Muslim might call them Djinn, whatever, they are negative entities and they simply hate us and anything positive.

I had a run in with this negativity yesterday not a few minutes after sitting down to pray for C and going on to a conversation with my own daughter. It was like a switch got flipped in me and I went from happy and positive to feeling despair and a failure over a simple complaint my daughter made that I was working too hard on some projects and hadn't gotten around to doing something with her yet. Now I should have just been mildly dismayed to realize the truth of that.

But instead I got distraught and filled with self hate and pain and felt suicidal. Then I passed my husband's small bar and suddenly wanted to drink the pain away. Really, what the hell? I still occasionally like wine with cheese or a meal, but desperation drinking is something I put firmly behind me and it wasn't even much of an impulse back when I was overdoing it on the wine and cheese. So what was going on here? Inquiring minds want to know. Then it dawned on me what was happening. Something out there doesn't want me meditating on love and hope for your daughter and praying for God to help her. Something out there wants to take ME out of the equation. Something out there doesn't want love and hope to exist.

I actually smiled, because then I realized my modest contribution here does amount to something after all (as do all of ours). I called one of my family and explained to her how I felt and she cheered me up. I went back to praying and asked God to burn evil out of my house. I called on the authority of Jesus to drive out evil influences on me and all the people on my prayer list. I was filled with a feeling of peace. The awful depression and anxiety lifted.

And it's this annoying and dangerous and taxing battle between positive energies/love and light/God's crew (pick the terminology that jives with your belief system) and negative energies that has ME convinced destiny is what we CHOOSE it to be, what we make of it, or these factions wouldn't be warring against each other to have a say in our lives.

And you know what, I don't care if the wisest of the wise came out and said they are absolutely certain everything is predestined and nothing we do can change what our premonitions tell us is going to happen. I am one stubborn ornery feisty bitch who has over the course of my life faced down armed drug dealers, foaming at the mouth pissed off pit bulls, a gang that circled around me and inexplicably backed off, and some psycho who tried to abduct me when I was 5. If destiny tries to tell me someone I love is doomed, I will go down fighting like the stubborn female I am. And I will call on God and every Angel I can name for help while I'm at it.

But I believe God is greater than setting up everything so linear and stuck. I think even the quantum physicists are leaning away from that conception of the universe and are envisioning possibilities way more exciting.

Have faith, make better choices and create a better destiny for yourself.

And C, do not call yourself a junkie or even think of yourself that way. Think of yourself as a landscaper, or a cheeky daughter with a great laugh. If you have to live with a label, make it something fun and enjoyable. The junkie thing is something you're going to shed eventually. It's a mistake you made but it won't define you forever if you decide it won't. Believe in that and work hard and pray hard to make it happen. You have value. You are unique and irreplaceable---THAT is what matters!

I'm sorry to hear your healthcare system is so frustrating but it can be that way here in the USA, too. I really encourage you to read all you can about cognitive behavior therapy so you and your mom can modify it a bit to retrain your thinking and instincts in a more positive direction, so that you make better choices and have better reactions. I could not get access to therapy when I needed it, either, but I found my own way with the help of my husband and other family.

I have to go now. My prayers and thoughts are with you. Loving energy, too.

For C,

a reply to: ashflash

Okay, I know many folks who keep their methadone dose low enough to "feel" illegal opiates and use the methadone as 'back up." That does NOT work, obviously.

If she raises her methadone dose enough, she will not even feel the illegal opiates as her brain's opiate receptors are filled already. Then she can gradually reduce after she's stable for a good while and disentangles herself from the environment that enables continuing use.

She has to want it, though... and that's the tough part.

a reply to: SheeplFlavoredAgain

Hi Sheep.
I read your reply Saturday but I wanted C to read, (today) so I held back until now.

For about 4 days now she has gone from a complete wreck to someone who resembles my daughter. She is getting stronger and it shows. I'm not naive enough to think all is well, but I am shocked at her speedy recovery.

Then I told her what you had said, about your experience of depression while focussing on my daughter, and she said "It sounds as though the way I was feeling has been transferred into her".

Whoa! that's pretty heavy stuff.

I know you are strong Sheep, but please, I would never expect anyone to compromise their own safety/sanity for our behalf.

I am totally convinced that the prayers and healing being sent to her is working wonders. The speed of her recovery is truly unbelievable.

So again, I send my thanks to you on behalf of my entire family and from C, a hug and a thank you.

a reply to: Baddogma

How right you are.

C has convinced me that she is determined to beat this horrible addiction, because she has told me everything including the part about the person who was enabling her, by throwing money at her, (daily).

If she had wanted to maintain her habit, she would not have risked that revelation.

She was crying out for help, I think she was very frightened that she would die.

She then confessed everything to her doctor, again, she didn't have to unless she was serious.

The doctor increased her methadone which is taken under supervision.

We are looking at rehab and have contacted a charitable organisation who may fund her residential treatment, fingers crossed.

The icing on the cake is not just her willingness to have a transplant, (opiate blocker) it's her eagerness to have one.

I am feeling cautiously hopeful.

Thank you for your concern. I really do appreciate everyone who has taken the time.

a reply to: Night Star

Night Star, you are a lovely, caring person.

Your contribution to this thread is so valuable. You have shown C that she is worthy of love and life.

You have touched our hearts.
Thank you

xx

a reply to: ashflash
I'm strong, but the one in whom I place my trust and faith is even stronger and is always there for me because my faith is at a point where it is there, as opposed to flickering in and out of existence. If that makes any sense. The God I believe in is strong enough to protect me, I just have to want the help and protection. Sometimes for reasons I don't even know, I choose to give in to despair for a bit, a momentary lapse of thought and common sense is what it is. Or a temporary forgetting to call upon the resources at my disposal.

It always comes down to choice and believing I have a choice. And having the will to see how great life can be if I make the right choices. When I was suffering the other day, I made the right choice and stayed away from the alcohol and called on someone who loves me and I also said a prayer for myself. In time, when C progresses in her break from addiction, this will be something she can do, too, like second nature. But every day it boils down to choosing.

I am so happy to hear that C recently made these brave strides in progress. That is an incredible show of strength to do that in this early stage of breaking the hold addiction has had on her. Remarkable. Keep at it, C!

Thank you for saying I'm strong. I'm happy to be strong. But you and C must know I was not always strong. Oh no. Things could have turned out so differently for me at so very many critical junctures in my life. There were times I was a completely rotten person and had pretty messed up values. The only thing I had going for me was a modicum of intelligence and an on again-off again (from my side of it) relationship with God. My mom was always yelling at me to exercise my common sense, if I had any. So, I did reject making a lot of potentially devastating mistakes because I recognized they weren't going to get me an outcome I'd benefit from.

At any rate, I got strong and stubborn surviving one test or trial or problem after another since I was about 2 years old. I had a rather challenging childhood in a bad neighborhood. And like so many other parents around me at the time, my parents were very troubled people. But I'm certain I chose them before I incarnated because we all grew together so beautifully over the years. I've made them be better people and they had good points and bad points as parents that all in the very big picture over the course of my entire lifetime to date, have made me a person I can now be proud of when I look in the mirror.

Some things I went through with them broke me down for a time, made me weaker. That's when, over time and under the advice of different friends over the years, I learned it was possible to borrow the strength from caring and concerned friends, my husband and his family, from my doctor that I have now, from God, from pets even.

Strength is a kind of energy like love. It's meant to flow to where it is needed. You just have to be open to receiving it and later, when you can generate your own strength, you determinedly call it up and even share it. Maybe in this case strength and love are the same thing. I know when I and my own daughter pray for you and C, we both feel a lot of love and good wishes and strength and determination flowing out of us. We trust God to direct this to where it needs to be.

By the way I hope I am not making anyone else or you uncomfortable referencing my Christian beliefs and using Christian terms. I have been atheist and I have studied and followed other faith systems for a time, so I know it can possibly make others uncomfortable or annoyed to have one particular belief system referenced over and over again. I do apologize if that is the case. I know and respect we are all on different paths and would never wish to push my path off on others. But I can only speak from the perspective I know. And this one is based in Christianity.

But I do think all the love expressed in this thread is as valid as mine. So many people on this forum have such a wealth of diverse experiences and spiritual paths to draw from and to offer you. It's so nice to see the support you've gotten on this thread. You and C deserve it.

If there's one thing I hope C gets out of this post, it's that she understands we ALL are very slow moving works in process. Few people are exactly who and what they want to be right away. Maybe she thinks her siblings are so blessed. But I guarantee that they go through their own struggles that nobody knows about. Every day they are confronted with choices that could serve them well or ill. Nobody gets a free ride. Those who think they do will be surprised to find that on a cosmic scale, they didn't amount to as much as they thought they did. Think of the kinds of people who are the robber barons of our time. How deep is their peace and joy, really, when their ease and prosperity comes from the exploitation of others? Where is their personal growth?

C is taking her first steps on a better path. C, at this early point, is it hard to see the big picture and see how all the jagged pieces of your life could possibly ever come together? If it is, I assure you that time and time again, all of us who fight to persevere finally make it to a point, a plateau where we can look back and reflect on how it all was working to come together.

And we get this epiphany that as hard and horrid as some or most of it was, we wouldn't change a thing and risk not becoming the person that surviving those trials and errors made us. And risk missing out on the true rewards such survival brings. Oh and sometimes there are many plateaus, like steps. You do get to see your progress over time, when you reach these plateaus. It's not one perpetual blind uphill slog. It just feels that way sometimes, especially when we are at the start of learning the next big thing we need to learn to progress to being the person we want to be.

Also don't forget, even in these hard times, to see the blessings that are ever present and give thanks for them no matter how small. Think of life as like panning for gold. Every day there's a lot of dirt to sift through. But there's going to be the little gold nuggets, too, which will be a joy to find if we acknowledge them. Don't discard their significance because, added up, someday you will get a nice gold ring out of it.

Lol, okay now I really need to go because that analogy was really goofy, even by my standards. I think we can safely deduce that I don't make my living as a writer!

Laughs and hugs to you both! --Sheep

You're both still in my thoughts and prayers. I hope things are going well for C. Please stop in and let us know how you both are doing when you can.

I'd like to know how things are going as well.

Ashflash I sent you a message... I am not sure if I did it correctly but I wanted to pass this link on to you.
Hopefully this will lead you in the right direction and help your daughter. I know first hand how tough addiction is on the addict and anyone that loves them. Please feel free to contact me if there is anything else I can do.
I am willing to do anything I can to help you and your daughter so please don't hesitate I truly mean that.
I can provide my contact info if either you or her would like to speak. I'm no Dr but am and have been struggling with addiction for as long as I remember . From family members as a child to personal and friends currently .
I have tried some unconditional things .. anyway here is the link

Whale.to/a/vitamin_c_banner.html . .. your looking for a quote from Dr Archie kalokerinos .
Please if you do not recieve the message I sent let me know, there was a lot of useful info that may help you and daughter . I'm here to help

a reply to: SheeplFlavoredAgain

Hello Sheep
Nice to hear from you again. Well there is good news and bad.

C has been opiate free for 16 days now and she is now stable on methadone. She is still not well, but as long as she doesn't relapse, she will go from strength to strength.

I started this thread because of the paranormal implications, you know, that terrible feeling of dread that I have experienced in the past, which have sadly come to pass.

Well, last weekend my cat seemed a bit off. I planned on taking him to the vet yesterday, (Monday) as thy are closed over the weekend, but on Sunday, he had gotten much worse, so I ended up taking him to the emergency vet on Sunday evening.

It was terrible. The vet found a large tumour in his abdomen and it had spread to his liver. He was literally dying before my eyes.

The vet was so kind, (I was in bits) but the outcome was inevitable. The vet helped him on his way and my heart is breaking.

It occurred to me that while my focus has been on C, the real cause of that dreadful knowing feeling, was my beloved pet. I had him since he was a kitten. He was part of my family.

All in all, the last couple of months have been so very hard.

I am grateful that C is still in your prayers and ask you to continue praying. I actually went to church on Sunday. It was closed!

When I have replied to Night Star and Navione, I'm going to sign off for a couple of days.

I promise if anyone else writes, I will respond , I just need a couple of days to come to terms with everything.

Thank you so much.

a reply to: Night Star

Hi Night Star.

I have replied to SheeplFlavouredAgain and explained what is happening right now.

Your kindness moves me and like I said before, please, keep C in your prayers.

I'm feeling a bit empty right now, but I will check back in, in a couple of days.

Love to you Night Star.

Thankyou

a reply to: navione

Hi Navione.

I got your pm, thank you.

I have been researching what you said and I feel very excited about it.

C is not too well at the moment, but she is stable.

She is definitely interested in your info and is wondering if, once she feels strong enough, would it be suitable for using to get off methadone

You know, everyone who has replied to this thread has touched my heart and for your kindness I will pray that you are given strength.

Please keep in touch and let us know how it goes for you, because I and C care.

Can you also elaborate on your friend's recovery from his illness, ie, his method etc.

I'm not planning on coming back for a couple of days, just need some time to grieve.

But, I will be back.

Good luck and all our very best wishes.

I'm so very sorry for the loss of your beloved cat. I went through this last summer with the cancer death of the 18 year old cat who was like a nanny to my child. I rescue animals so have gone through this more times than I care to think about.It is an incredibly painful loss so please take your time to process your grief. You're going through so much now. Please remember to take care of yourself. Our prayers and love and thoughts remain with you.

a reply to: ashflash

Yes, I think fate is predestinned but only the big stuff. The small moments depend on people who point out which persons are good and which are bad in small everyday decisions. Maybe this addiction of your daugher is just a test from the heavens. So be at the side of your daughter and show her how much you love her but dont stiffle her and do allow her brother/ sister to be at her side as well. She needs support from the whole family. My best wishes to you to and I hope you overcome this big trouble.

a reply to: Pat8728323

Hello Pat,

I am very fortunate in being part of a close family. Cs siblings are there for her. This journey, with addiction, has been one that I would not wish upon anyone. God knows there are many families in my position and it's the most terrifying experience.

For myself, I feel as though I've had my soul trashed. I often think 'I can't take any more', I'm pretty depressed and my cat's death was like being kicked when already down.

I wish I understood the paranormal implications, (if there are any).

To be honest, I don't regret any of the things (paranormal) that I have experienced over the years. I am just so frustrated that I don't understand them. So many questions, over and over in my head.

Thank you for your kind words. They mean so much.

a reply to: ashflash

I am happy to hear that your daughter is improving and will continue to pray for her.

As for your beloved cat...I have lost so many beloved pets through the years and know how you feel.

originally posted by: ashflash

I know many people will say it's just a junkie

Your child or any child/person is NOT an IT. Don't let any one say IT about your baby.
We all have obstacles to concur and if we don't very soon figure out we have to do it together we will be lost in chaos.

This is a very late reply, but I pray you have found some relief.

WIS

a reply to: WalkInSilence

Hi WIS.

Thank you for your prayer. I really appreciate all the kind and non-judgemental replies.

I think, when I wrote 'it', I was referring to the situation, rather than the person.

I am so relieved that C is growing stronger. She was pretty ill for a while, in fact, she looked dreadful.

I read a comment that said, 'the addict is not the problem, drugs are the problem. Well I certainly relate to that as will many families.

I know there are some very bad people out there. Some of them addicts, but if the addiction is treated what we find is our sons and daughters, our loved ones and in this case, I believe that love, even from strangers, like you, has helped my daughter realise that she is important and precious.

What a journey it's been for me. Seeing the kindness and humanity of others has left me humbled and so very, very grateful.

Knowing that support was there, just for the asking, certainly lightened my load and I will never forget.

Thank you WIS and thank you to everyone who helped us through this.