Losing the fight with destiny

a reply to: frequencymodulator

Another on board! I can't believe how many people are getting involved in this thread and focusing on the predicament I and my daughter are in.

Thank you for your kind and positive words.

You are absolutely right. Some soul searching is needed. If she was destined to experience addiction, then it's only right to say I was destined to experience the trauma and stress of having a beloved daughter addicted.

I want to scream out loud... "Enough already" My emotions are shredded. I have had enough. This is an experience that so many people go through and my heart goes out to them all. It isn't only the addict who suffers but the people who love them.

C is lucky that she is loved, some unfortunate people have no-one.

Life can be so unfair.

Peace and love is returned to you, with a hug attached. Thankyou

a reply to: Reverbs

Hello again Reverbs.

To be honest, my research from people who have actually experienced ibogaine was enough to put me off. It sounds very scary and C is in no fit state to put her body/mind through more trauma.

It was kind though for Navione to mention it. Obviously it works for some.

I'm so glad you're doing well and thank you for sending your love of which I return from myself and daughter three fold.
Thank you

a reply to: ashflash

You're completely welcome.

Best wishes for you and your daughter.

Ashflash,

your daughter is very lucky to have such a caring & loving mum. Your daughter does sound like a very good and kind person lost within addiction.

Im sending positive thoughts your way wrapped in a big hug.

Not much time at the moment but have you checked out 'Detox 5'? I know that it really worked for someone and it may be worth looking into for your daughter?

Love and prayers being sent your way for you and your family.

a reply to: ashflash

I have used ibogaine twice once in a medical facility in mexico the second was a black market provider in Baltimore.
the underground provider was a former ER nurse and former addict. She was a real angel and one of the best people I have ever met in my life. ok the experience itself

after get a EKG done and being accepted by the providers

my first experience in mexico ... I was in the very early stages of withdrawal when they gave me a small sample dose to make sure there were no allergic reactions. after 30 min and no reaction I was givin what is called a flood dose.
about 45 min to an hour later my body began to warm up and I heard what could only be described as the sound of a freight train rushing by ... all the withdrawals were completely gone. I lost track of time and space. I started getting some very intense visuals but they would vanish if I opened my eyes so it never became to over whelming or scary.
at one point I felt like I was inside my brain with a little yellow insect or fairy and she/it was flying around repairing things inside my head. there were some other memorable visions. I seen my daughter as a baby just floating around. I felt like I was looking at a ipad and when any memories appeared the shot away into the dark abyss. I came out of it about 30 hours later. very weak very tired but no withdrawals. I had 4/5 months clean after my first treatment.
the next treatment in Baltimore I don't recall any of the visuals or dream state . but I didn't suffer any withdrawals just very tired and weak coming out of it. the inability to sleep for a few days after. but I was able to get a little over 1 year of clean time before I relapsed. I have read about the ayahuasca treatments but never had one myself . if there are any other questions please feel free to ask. I would be gld to answer any questions and help in any way I can.
addiction is a terrible thing. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. I have also read tons and tons about megadosing with sodium absorbate vitamin C. I have never tried this myself so cant say 1 way or the other but I will provide you with some reading material in a few hours . so please check back later on or tomorrow.

a reply to: ashflash

Ask yourself a few questions. If you knew nothing at all, never had a premonition, warning or anything, what would change? Also with no idea of any potential future what would you change? What would you do different than what you are doing now?

I doubt much would change since your trying as hard as you can. And being right once or twice does not mean all your premonitions will come true. No matter how hard you try or love them you can not control someones life.

I strongly suggest against asking random physics for predictions. And no matter how much you want to don't go to any local ones, or on the internet and give them money. There are a lot of predators out waiting for someone in your state to come along. They will make promises and say they can do a remote healing for “A very small sum of money”. Once your hooked they will start stringing you along each time asking for just a little more money.

The best thing you can do is let your daughter know you love her, say a prayer and let it go.

a reply to: ashflash

I hope that you are still checking this thread. I am sorry I got caught up with my own bullcrap yesterday evening.
its 430 am my time. I just wanted to let you know that I will post the reading info about the sodium absorbate vitamin C.

www.whale.to... -this is just one link. if you google it there is plenty of forums for addiction that discusses it. I would like to add that I have a personal friend that swears by this method and although he is still very much an active addict. he swears that when he cant get what he needs for whatever reason he uses this and is able to alleviate 70/90 percent of the withdrawal symptoms.

I would also like to say that even though getting thru withdrawals is tough and you feel like you want to die. staying clean is the war. its a war us addicts must fight everyday. the ibogaine treatment gave me a little extra time without the intense cravings ,the thoughts of using every minute of everyday. I hope your daughter finds her way to sobriety. I prey for every addict to find there own path to freedom.

a reply to: PurpleHorizon

Hello Purple
Thank you for your kind words and yes I have heard of detox 5. It is a shame that it isn't available on the national health, I am sure many lives could be saved if it were.
I actually contacted them and asked if they would accept payment by direct debit, but they will not. The treatment costs £3250. I'm not sure if that includes the initial consultation, but when you look at the total cost, including a naltrexone implant, which costs £1850. for 12 months your looking at £5000.
I should explain that naltrexone is an implant into the muscle. It blocks the brain receptors so that if a person used any opiate, it would have no affect whatsoever.
I tried to get a bank loan to cover the costs and this is so frustrating. Over the years I have had 4 bank loans and never failed on my repayments, but guess what. They will not give me a loan because I am a pensioner, honestly, I am speechless.

The way I see it is, despite the fact that I am reliable, the loan would have to be over a long period. We pensioners don't have much money, but because we are pensioners, the risk of dying and not paying the loan back, is too great for the bank to ok it. So saving my daughter, basically has come down to money.

I'm constantly searching the web for a solution. There are some organisations, (I've been in touch by telephone) who say she would be considered if she can get funding. I didn't even bother asking the cost, but the waiting list is long and trying to get her funded (by charity organisations) takes even longer.

Its one brick wall after another. I don't think there are any options which I haven't tried.

If there are any parents out there in the same situation as me, I would strongly advise, if you can afford it, look into detox5, but only consider it with the naltrexone implant.

There is naltrexone in tablet form, but a user may not stick to the daily regime of taking a pill. Implant is the only way to go as far as I can see.
Thank you again for your concern

a reply to: mash3d

Thank you for your reply.
You are spot on about predators. I would love to publicly expose the person who I hold responsible for the mess we are in.

As an addict a person is vulnerable and when someone is throwing money, lots of money at you, you are not going to refuse it.

If, instead of feeding her addiction and no doubt increasing it, he had paid for her treatment, she would be well and I (my family too) would not be going through the living hell that we are faced with every waking moment.

He is off the scene, but what a mess he has left us in. If there is such a thing as karma, I wouldn't like to be in his shoes, utter evil man, I use the term 'man' lightly.

As for the premonitions, I really skimmed the surface of my experiences, just as a reference to this predicament.

I have had very many inexplicable experiences and most have been very positive, pleasant and even funny.

I know worrying doesn't help, but it's not something I can just turn off, if only I could.

This is the hardest thing ever to happen to me as a parent, but I must keep searching for an answer.

I feel my daughter's fate lies in my hands. I must keep trying. I'm sure you would do the same for a loved one. I can't let it go.

Thank you again for your reply

a reply to: navione

Thanks again Navione. I guarantee when I log out of here I will be looking into sodium abcorbate vit c. I will also read your link when I've finished the replies.

I know exactly what you mean about staying clean. My daughter has now reached a stage where she is desperate. We have discussed every stage of curing her and she is more than willing to have a naltrexone implant. I've explained about it in my reply to Purple Horizon. I'm sure you will be familiar with it, but I put it in there in case there are other parents out there in the same situation as me.

I really don't think Ibogaine is for C plus the fact that we are in the uk. It's not available without cost.

But I will keep plodding on. What else can I do. I love her.

originally posted by: frequencymodulator
a reply to: SheeplFlavoredAgain

Haha, wow! That's hilarious. Hopefully all goes well for you as at least you know the message that was trying to be sent. I know many spend their lives aimlessly trying to decipher the message and without it, change cannot occur without human intention.

I hope all is looking up for you and your daughter.

Oh thank you but my daughter is fine, though entering puberty and all the challenges that entails. It's my nephew who has struggled with drug and alcohol addiction. I'm sorry I mentioned my nephew in this as I think it makes it easier to confuse me with the OP, whose daughter is struggling.

I just looked up, "Destiny" Sadly, turns out there is absolutely nothing you can do.

a reply to: ashflash

Thank you for sharing the wonderful positives about your daughter. I will pray and meditate on the wish that God increases her ability to focus on these interests and helps her find her humor again. She could earn a wonderful livelihood working with her hands like that and it could be therapeutic once she finds her footing again.

I'm familiar with depression from many battles with it over my 49 years on this planet, and had on fairly recent occasion turned to alcohol to alleviate it, so I can understand your daughter drifting down this path. It quite sneaked up on me...you know, as too many wine and cheese lunches instead of a healthy nutritious lunch. I went about this for several months just last year when I realized what I was doing! I wasn't the classic drunken mother unfit for my duties. But I realized I was going through my chores buzzed or my feelings numbed more often than not. I knew I was not solving anything using alcohol as an avoidance mechanism. That's when I threw myself on my knees and prayed for help. And got it. I went to the doctor who determined that this time my depression was due to peri menopause and started me on hormone supplements, which in turn completely put me off of the taste and smell of alcohol. I can still drink a wine with dinner on occasion if I want to. Most of the time I simply don't want to.

Is your daughter under any sort of medical investigation into what may have triggered and perpetuated her depression? Over the course of my life I've had many triggers, usually hormonal, that caused imbalances in my serotonin levels. My endocrine system is rather a mess, as is my father's. It's an unfortunate genetic auto-immune problem.

Unfortunately every treatment I've had for depression or hormone imbalance at times causes a very strange compulsion to go kill myself. I say that not to scare you but to keep you informed. It's resistable because I'm older, and because I'm aware it's a side effect, I'm able to separate the impulse intellectually from my normally sensible and stable conscious decision making process. It's something I report to my doctor and my family so we can all monitor it and keep me safe and deal with my various imbalances. With younger people who don't have the perspective I have or the calm reflection that comes with maturity, the impulse can be deadly because they think it comes out of their own reasoning and thought process. They must be made aware it does NOT, it's a side effect that must be managed.

When I was on Zoloft it was a passing impulse/side effect that went away after the initial adjustment period and I was able to successfully be on Zoloft for about 4 years until we determined I could be weaned off safely. I enjoyed complete mental health for about 5-6 years after until the peri-menopause triggered another imbalance and that creeping alcohol abuse I mentioned. My doctor and I are still in the process of adjusting my (hormone) treatments to minimize side effects. Sometimes it's hard and I do despair, but then my stubborn side takes over and I just know I'm going to get the most out of this life no matter what!

It can be a challenge to get the brain chemistry where it needs to be, especially in females where hormonal fluctuations can play havoc. But life has so much to offer and we good people have so much to offer life. It's worth the work and the struggle.

And like I joked in a previous post, the threat of reincarnating into another life in a country where ISIS destroys women and girls, or where there's inadequate food and no indoor plumbing, keep me plugging away doing my best with this life, blessed as it is with a nice house, kind and sane menfolk, and decent food! As hard as this life can be, as much as I sometimes struggle in it, I only have to read the news and know most of the rest of the world would trade their best day for one of my worst days and count it a blessing.

I really believe if I throw away this life, I could reincarnate into one even harder and have to work through similar struggles and worse all over again. There is no running away from our problems. Not even on a cosmic scale over many lives, or what is the point of incarnating at all? I can't prove that, but I believe it, and it's that belief that makes me a fighter to keep even the most modest blessings I can attain in this life.

I know my belief in reincarnation is not conventionally Christian after all, but I reconcile it to conventional Christianity by saying I believe as I work through my weaknesses and flaws in each life, I'll become someone who can better appreciate and understand the sacrifice and salvation offered by Jesus. I may be wrong. I may be goofy. Whatever. I have to make sense of existence somehow and my way amuses me, so there is at least that. In a world in which the absurd Platypus exists, amusement is a valuable commodity.

I'm just explaining why I am the way I am, why I fight the battles I do, and why I want your daughter to value the life she's in enough to fight hard in the here and now and never ever give up! Plus she is so blessed to have you as her mom and I can't imagine she would want to give that relationship up prematurely. Fight, C, fight! Happiness isn't a destination. It's something that comes upon us as we go through the continuous process of living.

Sorry I don't mean to inflict long posts one after the other on you but I just found out I will have to be away for a few days so will post now.

Here is one thing I was thinking might help C since it helped me. When I was battling my depression and PTSD that required Zoloft, I could not afford any kind of therapy. The way my insurance was structured it wasn't covered enough. And I had too many commitments on my time to make time for regular therapy. Plus there aren't very many good ones where I live. But I knew medicine alone is not as effective as working on changing the way I think and react to stressors. So I researched online the very basic tenets of cognitive behavior therapy. Here's a quick reference:
www.mayoclinic.org...

I worked out my own methodologies for coping with my negative thinking and patterns.

In my case, having been a sculptor in my youth, I approached visualizing myself as a sculpture in progress. I envisioned the kind of person I wanted to be and I identified all the negative traits and habits as the clay that didn't fit the template and needed to be re shaped or taken off. I envisioned different ways of accomplishing that reshaping and thought of those as my sculpting tools.

If your daughter is ever able to work with a real CB therapist that would be ideal. But with the way various health care systems work, that may not be possible.

So putting it in terms that may help C visualize the process, she can picture her healthy idealized self, her goal self, as a garden project. I would imagine when she worked on your garden she had an idea of what she wanted to create, right? Anyway she can picture the addictions and other negative aspects and the depression as the weeds and parts of the landscape she needs to clear away and reshape.

The more challenging part is figuring out her "gardening tools". These will be the medicines and therapies and prayer and activities and friendships she may need to employ in her fight to wellness. As with her gardening projects, she will need to figure out which tools to use for a given situation and problem.

It would help if she can write down what she wants her goal self to be, so she can stick to it and chart her progress. Positive visualization of one's goals is probably the most powerful motivator and method I've ever used to keep me from falling too far into disrepair or pulling me out altogether. It's also a tool that was promoted heavily by my daughter's martial arts teacher in motivating his students not just to their belt goals but other goals in school and their social lives as well. When I sat in on her classes and heard her instructor speak I knew it was the validation of everything I'd worked through and figured out on my own.

Meanwhile our prayers and positive thoughts and love we all are sending to C will help power and energize her efforts. Some here also seem to have knowledge and abilities and a relationship with positive energy that could also help drive away any negative entities and energies plaguing her and sabotaging her efforts. Not everyone believes in that sort of thing, but after much reading I believe it's possible bad entities exist and prey on and exploit us and that that is why I think prayers and positive energy do work, especially with enough people focusing on burning out the negative.

a reply to: AshFan

The essence of this thread is trying to figure out if our lives are predestined. (That's why I put it into this forum.)

Can we change direction if that is the case. ie, A number of people have changed their travel plan because they had predicted tragedy that came to pass. Were they destined to die in that tragedy, or were they meant to predict it and change course.

Was my experience at the dentist meaningless words, a warning of my daughter's death, or a warning that some hard times lay ahead.

Do we really have free will or is our every action/experience predestined? It's mind blowing when you consider a serial killer has no control over his actions, because destiny commands it.

So me personally, I'm leaning towards being able to alter events. Maybe I'm clutching at straws because the thought of losing C is unbearable.

Thank you for you input.

a reply to: ashflash


"Crap" is going to happen. It doesn't matter if you prepare for it, or live irregardless. Nature or God's will run it's course. There is nothing anyone can do about it other than prepare for the future in whatever way they believe is best.

a reply to: SheeplFlavoredAgain

Please don't apologise for your lengthy replies, I hang on to your every word.
C's depression didn't exist before she dabbled with drugs. Depression is a by-product of taking drugs. Basically her brain's chemicals have been mashed because of her habit.
Getting those chemicals back to normal production will only happen when she abstains and even then it won't happen over night.

She has a key worker more than a therapist, but I must say I get very frustrated with their methods. No addict, here in the uk, will be given a place in rehab without meeting certain criteria, ie reducing on methadone, being opiate free. Surely it would make more sense to admit the addicts when they are at their most vulnerable, when there is real risk of them dying.

There is medication out there that will help them and as I've mentioned before, naltrexone, which blocks the brains receptors. I wish the law could be changed to provide addicts with naltrexone implants, then they would have a better chance of beating their demons. Certainly the crime rate would go down. Many addicts steel in order to pay for their fix.

So, back to therapy. She spoke to a psychiatrist who said he would be prepared to treat her, once she was drug free.
For crying out loud, she wouldn't need a psychiatrist if that was the case.

It's a hard fact that money dictates who can be cured of addiction and believe me, I've tried every which way to get her the help she needs.

I also feet guilt. When I read of young children dying through illness/accident I see their photo's on the news and it breaks my heart. I weep for their family and I can't help but wonder if anyone would feel the same for C, after all, my daughter is just a junkie. How I hate that word and despite the many loving thoughts of people who have replied on this thread, addicts have very little, if any consideration from most people. And I can understand that!

I have reached out to people in desperation. Knowing there are people far away from here, praying and sending healing to C has meant so much to me.

Ashfan really brought the purpose of this thread home. Whether myself and C are just acting out a predestined act. He is right, if destiny is what its defined as, then there is no hope but I know, without doubt, there is much that goes on in this world that has no logical explanation.

My belief in God has been questioned so much, I am left confused and in doubt. With all the suffering, not just to people but to animals too, I'm left wondering why. Why is there no Divine intervention. Saying that, I still pray. I am asking for a miracle but am I, or my daughter worthy of a miracle and if he decides to help C, why didn't he help the children that died last week. Why would God want to help an addict?

Oh. I'm getting a bit heavy in my thoughts now, sorry.

I am glad you have dealt with your own problems by questioning and analysing them. You sound so strong.

I hope you being away for a few days is a pleasant time for you and I hope we will talk again, which in itself is therapy.

By the way, C will be reading the rest of this thread, maybe I can persuade her to comment.

Take care sheep.

a reply to: EternalSolace

I understand what you're saying. If I'm correct it's 'what will be, will be,'

I wish I could let go. I wish I could stop swimming against the tide, but what sort of mother would I be if I didn't try?

If, when all this is over and 'if' the worse case happens I have tried as hard as anyone could.

I believe there are genuine people with the ability to heal and knowing some of those people are fighting for my daughter has brought me much comfort.

I have not given up hope, because hope is all I have

Thank you so much for your input.

a reply to: ashflash

Hi to everyone who has read and replied to this thread. I am C, ashflashe's daughter. I, as you know am/have been in a pretty bad way. I didn't ' know about this thread till mum showed it to me the other day, at first I didn't know how to feel about mum's revelation....and out came the tears!
Then I read some of the replies and yet again I was overwhelmed by so many peoples kind words. I was and still am very surprised not to see all the "just a junkie" replies, that's what I expected!
So I'd like to say many thanks to you all for such nice replies not just for myself but for my mum.
Good wishes to you all..............and the battle goes on, this time I hope to come out on top. C xxx

And from me, Ashflash.
The change in my daughter over this last week is remarkable. I'm not saying she is out of the woods yet, but her progress is very promising. Please keep sending the healing and love to her.

I am for ever grateful

I'm glad to read of your daughter's positive progress, really I am.

I was going to say, and will still say, please pray to Jesus to break this curse. Clearly spiritual entities have revealed death to you prior to the actual event. God can and will break this! Pray an ask Him now! In Jesus name!