"Don't make me slap you..." and other stupid ideas

a reply to: KyoZero

Kyo, the line "I bet you that 30 seconds of preparation will solve so many irrelevant and pointless issues" really stood out to me. Taking 30 seconds would be a simple response to many of the minor irritants that frustrate me daily, and taking that break to organize or just take a breath before automatically jumping into full anger mode when something stupid happens will probably keep me more relaxed in general. Thanks for the insight.

originally posted by: KyoZero
Ok lots to respond to....and I swear I am so lost...been on ATS years now and cannot multi-quote

So here is my best effort

Notmyrealname

Fine and I 100% support you in that. If flamboyant, macho, religious overbearing, etc isn't for you I am totally ok with that. You didn't specifically say it (or I miss it) but that's my point. If someone is acting flamboyant, macho, etc...why should you (generic you) let it bother you? More to the point why let it get to you (generic you) in a rage to where you are flying off the handle? To me that is a sign of an issue that someone like Caitlyn or whoever does something that has no direct and measurable effect on a person...and yet that person loses their mind over it. Don't like the news? I don't. I turn it off and move on.

Here is a point I think I missed earlier. I swear sometimes people specifically let themselves get into it on purpose when they know darn well they could ignore it. It's like when someone decides to leave ATS or another forum and just has to leave that last thread about how ATS went to hell, etc. If ATS is that bad (it totally isn't) then just go. I guess I don't get it.

thanks for responding

Firstly, thank you for actually maintaining (my opinion) a logical reasonable and balanced approach in you response (it is so damn rare!).

SO I guess my point is:

1. I did not recall 'flying off the handle' about anything; I had a feeling response to a situation I was exposed to. I did not respond to the situation in a manner that would cause a scene or knowing response from the party at hand. I simply shared my feelings here. "Rage" is an amazing way to assume my feelings; do you imagine me slamming my fingers into my keyboard while dribbling in slobber and turning green? You may be taking some liberties there, huh?

2. I have no more care about the Bruce/Caitlin issue as I do with the Kardashians. Seriously; Who cares?! The problems appear from the artificially manipulated media that throws Caitlin's views in everyone's face as if they must accept of or they are wrong. What could possibility go wrong there? If Caitlin was not looking for publicity, then nobody would know or care and there would be no controversy.

3. I am sure you deal with many anger management issues in your line of work. Perhaps you may entertain the possibility that I do not have an anger management issue; I simply have opinions and observations which are personal. Did you really think that I embarrassed myself by making my wife and guests nervous because I made a scene due to an uncomfortable encounter with a flamboyant fake personality?!

4. Why do you think that sexuality is something that I need to see when I am ordering an expensive meal with my family or guests? I pay for a service, I pay for the food and beverages. I do not pay to know or acknowledge another human beings sexual identity. I do not care nor do I want to know.

5. Which part of this leads you to believe that I have some type of issue to my so called 'generic me'? Oh and by the way, why does my perspective earn me a title of generic? As a professional aren't you supposed to keep an open mind? I am not getting 'into it' you started the thread and I placed my opinion with respect and clarity. Please give me opinion the respect I give yours and we are well on our way to accepting one another….

Here is a point I think I missed earlier. I swear sometimes people specifically let themselves get into it on purpose when they know darn well they could ignore it. It's like when someone decides to leave ATS or another forum and just has to leave that last thread about how ATS went to hell, etc. If ATS is that bad (it totally isn't) then just go. I guess I don't get it.

and lastly, why you are seemingly, potentially encouraging me to leave my part time pastime of lurking here and sometimes responding to threads that most readers want no part of due to the incendiary nature? I am here to "Deny Ignorance" as much as my limited intellect will allow.

originally posted by: notmyrealname

still confusing to me sometimes….

...drools on bib….

is your name a reference to dir en grey?

I remember Bruce Jenner as the guy on the box of Wheaties.
Maybe they could put Caitlyn on the cereal box.
Maybe then I could not think of him, now a her, as Bruce Jenner.
I feel like it is a waste of my time to even give it a second thought.

a reply to: notmyrealname

That's why I wrote (generic you) when I said fly off the handle and the rest...I wanted to make it known that the remainder of the response response was just things I see everywhere. Not you specifically. I'll make sure I make it clearer :-)

Apologies for any confusion I caused

originally posted by: Mousygretchen
is your name a reference to dir en grey?

So for about 5 years my wife and I ran a successful Anime/Gaming forum...not like ATS successful...like 500 active successful

Anywho...when we were nearing peak we traveled to cons and cosplayed as Kyo and Kagura...hence the Kyo...the Zero was an addition to stand out I guess? -shrug-

You are right in that often it is frustration that turns into anger. Dropping stuff is a perfect example, especially when (like me) you then reach to grab it and hit it with your foot and it skitters away even farther. Or I drop it again immediately after picking it up. Frustration morphs into anger and suddenly its on! I try to engage my brain and recognize that its frustration not real anger but that doesnt always work.

I found my real anger usually seems to be fired by things that I perceive to be unfair or unjust. Since childhood that has been THE thing that gets me screaming mad. Most other stuff just rolls off, but my 5 year old self goes ballistic over injustice or unfairness and I cant seem to dial it back once its gotten loose. Does anger management help with that? Plus I am always kinda mad.

Sometimes it seems to me that it is a problem with emotions like anger.
Get pissed about one thing, not express it for one reason or another (various possibilities for that) but as we go about our day, it continues to stew and ends up venting at someone else for something minor and maybe even completely irrelevant to our lives. When at it's source, is really began with something else entirely.

When my kids were little, I used to explain it to them as the "hot potato game", to help them understand and deal with irrational hostility that surrounds them, and to help them consider that sometimes, it isn't really all about me.

I was touched a few weeks ago when my grown son exposed this metaphor to me, thinking he'd come up with it on his own. He didn't remember me using it! (as long as it works, no matter who came up with it)

The "See what you made me do" game seems to often be involved in venting pent up emotions, as well as exaggerated focus on celebrity personal events. Personally, I have not followed Jenner's situation, though I see it is brought up all over Facebook, it just doesn't interest me. There's transgender people everywhere. So What? Why is that persons choice such a big deal? I don't care.

He can choose to be a poodle for all I care. But I might be more open minded than some, having been exposed to the mentally ill while growing up.


But it seriously just seems like an excuse to vent and rage at things that have nothing to do with the feeling expressed.
That is something I consider though, when I am choosing to not express frustration at a minor event (like dropping all my stuff on the floor on accident)...because if I tell myself I can't, because it isn't worth it or valid, or because it is my own fault, that might end up being directed at someone else later in the day instead!

A good loud cursing roar at no one in particular as I gather up my stuff, might be better than saving it for someone else later...

I bought a backpack to fit all my stuff and I am MUCH happier...preparation.

a reply to: Bluesma

It truly does feel to me like an excuse as well. See that's my point though, and you are right. A minor thing to get upset about (like my dropping my keys) is of course much better handle by venting if you must in order to prevent it ruining the day. I was making that point to say, we almost always cause/exacerbate our problems in stuff that does not directly harm us. Today I prepared and took care of the stuff I had to carry and it was just so much easier.

But yeah to lose someone's mind over Caitlyn Jenner when she has no direct access to you...I just don't get it

Awesome reply if I may say

originally posted by: notmyrealname

originally posted by: FyreByrd

originally posted by: notmyrealname
….

Those are all matters of your perception of other peoples behavior which you can't change - but you can control how much time you want to waste on it.

The behaviors make you uncomfortable - acknowledge and move on - life's short and ain't nobody going to change so that you are more comfortable.

Buddhist Story:

A wandering monk, barefooted, wandering through towns and the wild for years. Someone gave him a piece of leather and he quickly discovered that if he laid out the leather over the rough ground his feet didn't work. He began collecting and laying out leather along is path, would gather up then lay out, over and over and over again. It was exhausting work but his feet did feel better. He finally became so tired that he just sat down on his leathers to rest and mediate. Day after day he rested - was it to be exhaustion or sore and bloody feet?

It came to him, the solution: wrap the leather about his feet. In joy and comfort the monk wandered many more happy years.

Why cover the world with leather to protect your 'sensibilities' when you can learn to cover your feet and be comfortable everywhere. The point to life - methinks.

Okay, nice story however, it does not seem to be applicable. If a child is spoiled and acting like it, the normal reaction for all around would be frustration.

In this case, is it my fault for not being tolerant?!

Certainly it is your reaction (fault puts way too much negative connotation into the equation for tender egos).

No child can be 'spoiled'. Really they don't have an expiration date.

If you 'think' a 'certain' child is behaving in a spoiled (let's call it self-centered instead as it's more accurate) manner it is your 'perception' and 'judgement' of that behavoir that is causing your (self-centered) discomfort.

A child have a tantrum because they are not getting what they want is the very definition of 'self-centered' and 'childish' - and giving them your attention just reenforces the behavoir - that's how we get self-centered adults. One of the ways.

Two friends, two examples of 'modeling' adult behavoir. One huge tantrum in a grocery, my friend leaves her cart (she is an adult and knows that her child is the priority) removes the child, sits down outside with him until the tantrum subsides on it's own. She is loving and supportive but not allowing her self to be sucked into his drama. There was never another tantrum.

Next a five year old in a pool refusing to get out. Mom jumps in the pool fully clothed (an adult again who can put aside their wants for the moment to teach) and physically pulls the child out.

The common behavior both parents exhibited was the ability to put aside their own 'wants' for the benefit of their childs. Rather then the 'quick' fix of giving in (which a lot of parents do) and reenforcing the unsocial behavoirs.

I've gotten way off track here.

But Yes - the error lies with you. In fact there is nothing you can do to change anyone else and it's a collosall waste of time and energy to be angry, annoyed and frustrated with people that don't behave the way you want.

It's all about how you react. Children learn to be 'socially acceptable' by the example of others around them and the reaction they get from their actions.

It's called conditioning - works on everybody. Behave the way you want others to behave and you will change the world - don't insist others change first.

Your reaction to a 'self-centered' child or adult will change the situation. React with distain and frustration and they will continue the behavoir. Change the game and offer kindness, patience and help and you may be surprised at how nasty situations can be difused in an instant. Or move on.

It is your fault for allowing yourself to become 'sucked' into someone elses drama. If you require that the world and it's people be a certain way - you will be miserable in life.

a reply to: KyoZero

To your statement:

Again I will repeat loud and clear....If you, yours, property, etc are physically attacked, robbed, mugged, assaulted, or hell, even verbally threatened, you have every right to get pissed, defend, whatever.

Don't you think however, that you are better able to 'defend' yourself verbally and physically if you are not caught up in anger (which is just one 'cover' for fear).

My background is Human Development with a side of Group Dynamics - and anger was a large reason I don't 'do' people as in a clinical setting. My hat is off to your for that work.

I am amazed at how the people around me have changed since I truly caught on to this idea of 'stiching to my own side of the street' (I'd always intellectually believed it - but couldn't 'do' it). No blame, no defensiveness or justifications, agree it's my fault (practise humility) even and proceed to moving on or fixing. I wish I could bottle it.

But that's part of it too - allowing others to be wrong, make mistakes and be a**h***s just like me.

a reply to: KyoZero

Bra-bleeping-vo!! Well thought, said & put! Everybody really should take this to heart. I mastered not being angered by "big" things during Bush II. Little things... Some before that, some only recently.

I recall in the mid/late 90's getting pissed off, stuck in ludicrous gridlock traffic while paying tolls, driving to and from school (from the suburbs to downtown Chicago.) Not once, not occasionally. 3 days a week for almost a full year. Then, one beautiful spring day, I realized I can just enjoy the time listening to music, calling a friend or family member to catch up, or just enjoying the blue sky through the open sunroof. By the next semester, I took things further into my own hands and switched to the train, resulting in getting most of my homework & several Clancy books knocked out during my commute. Also resulting in a nice little jaunt through my city and the various shops/eateries, or just sights I came across along the way.

My most recent has been the little things, just like your opening example. Carrying too much crap with too few carrying implements, or spazzing out every night about all of my cords getting twisted up (e-cig charger, phone charger, headphones, heating pad.) I finally started carrying a well-organized bag, set up a system to keep my wires clear of each other. It's amazing how many nights in a row I'd spend 20 minutes pissed off before watching a pre-sleep show on the phone before. Honestly, until I stopped myself and created a better way, it was as if I must have wanted to be stressed and angry about it! Looking back, its the same way I feel about the everyday sad, angry folks ruining their lives with senseless rage: "wth is wrong with that person (me?)"

Nail>Head.

Well done, thanks for the thread. Puts in words what I've spent years finally mastering. This will help me stay out of the dark side, and help explain to others how to "dejate" (let it go...)

I think you successfully cleared the air as you say. But I have a question. You stated:

"I AM in the LGBT community. I am pan. I love me some men, women, trans, asexual...don't care. My experiences are varied and thoroughly enjoyable. So yes I support Caitlyn Jenner. Yes I support LGBT right, gender rights, race/class/status equality and so-called gay marriage."

So my simple question is this. You seem to have covered all the bases except for straight. You support everything else including equality, but neglected to mention straight people. I'm assuming it was a mistake, but wanted to ask. Because I see a lot of this where people "accidently" forget to include straight, white, male, rich, republican, christian, etc. And at least in my opinion, without including everyone...it isn't equality.

FyreByrd

100% accurate and thank you for pointing out my missing piece! Yes self defense is so much more effective when the defender has the ability to think coherently due to training or some inherent ability. I have neither :-)

I suppose there is always those few moments of rare self-preservation where a person blanks out and defeats Hulk Hogan for the WWF Heavyweight Championship in a ladder match...but otherwise I absolutely agree that rational approach, if possible, is preferred. Well done pointing that out.

dogstar23

Thank you kindly. Obviously I am in complete agreement. I do of course recognize, as I already have, that things that do directly effect you should be dealt with but then FyreByrd turned my world upside down, and very well, by pointing out that even examples I stated such as the ACA or some other policy that hits you directly should be dealt with rationally. Thanks for the reply.

WeAreAWAKE

...which was promptly followed by...

But one thing I absolutely support is freedom of thought, expression and speech so long as it is not inciting violence. You think Caitlyn Jenner is a freak and a man? You think marriage equality will destroy the nation? Fine. I think you are 100% wrong...but you are free to say/think so. This is a public world where private thoughts can surf the web all day.

I didn't "accidentally" or purposefully leave anything out at all. I get the feeling you're hoping I will say that "straight, white, CIS, etc are evil and only us LGBTer's are of value." Not even close. Again, freedom of speech and thought are practically my most highly-regarded values. I don't care who you are, what your class or status is, or who you decide to sleep with, up to and including hetero and christian marriages.

But allow me to revise. Yes I absolutely agree that we here is the rainbow brigade are not innocent. The feminist camp, which I support fully, is not innocent. I will always argue that not every male is a lecherous fool. Not every male wants to rape, assault, take. I have and probably will again see women posting questions or support for how to charge and convict a man of rape even though in their post they say they were never touched. I do not support any member of any coalition asking for anything other than equality and a standard and equal platform to jump from. Beyond leaving that platform, our choices are ours SO LONG AS we have TRULY been given an actual and legitimate equal launch pad.

I well appreciate your comments. By this point in my post I am reversing my opinion. Maybe you were not looking to goad me into a trap of an answer. But you know what? I'm leaving my remarks there as my proof to at least myself of my imperfection and my attempt towards civility...I make mistakes

Thanks!

originally posted by: FyreByrd

A child have a tantrum because they are not getting what they want is the very definition of 'self-centered' and 'childish' - and giving them your attention just reenforces the behavoir - that's how we get self-centered adults. One of the ways.

Two friends, two examples of 'modeling' adult behavoir. One huge tantrum in a grocery, my friend leaves her cart (she is an adult and knows that her child is the priority) removes the child, sits down outside with him until the tantrum subsides on it's own. She is loving and supportive but not allowing her self to be sucked into his drama. There was never another tantrum.

Next a five year old in a pool refusing to get out. Mom jumps in the pool fully clothed (an adult again who can put aside their wants for the moment to teach) and physically pulls the child out.

The common behavior both parents exhibited was the ability to put aside their own 'wants' for the benefit of their childs. Rather then the 'quick' fix of giving in (which a lot of parents do) and reenforcing the unsocial behavoirs.

Total bunk.
Just my opinion of course, and off topic, so I'll stop there.

originally posted by: KyoZero
FyreByrd

100% accurate and thank you for pointing out my missing piece! Yes self defense is so much more effective when the defender has the ability to think coherently due to training or some inherent ability. I have neither :-)

I suppose there is always those few moments of rare self-preservation where a person blanks out and defeats Hulk Hogan for the WWF Heavyweight Championship in a ladder match...but otherwise I absolutely agree that rational approach, if possible, is preferred. Well done pointing that out.

dogstar23

Thank you kindly. Obviously I am in complete agreement. I do of course recognize, as I already have, that things that do directly effect you should be dealt with but then FyreByrd turned my world upside down, and very well, by pointing out that even examples I stated such as the ACA or some other policy that hits you directly should be dealt with rationally. Thanks for the reply.

WeAreAWAKE

...which was promptly followed by...

But one thing I absolutely support is freedom of thought, expression and speech so long as it is not inciting violence. You think Caitlyn Jenner is a freak and a man? You think marriage equality will destroy the nation? Fine. I think you are 100% wrong...but you are free to say/think so. This is a public world where private thoughts can surf the web all day.

I didn't "accidentally" or purposefully leave anything out at all. I get the feeling you're hoping I will say that "straight, white, CIS, etc are evil and only us LGBTer's are of value." Not even close. Again, freedom of speech and thought are practically my most highly-regarded values. I don't care who you are, what your class or status is, or who you decide to sleep with, up to and including hetero and christian marriages.

But allow me to revise. Yes I absolutely agree that we here is the rainbow brigade are not innocent. The feminist camp, which I support fully, is not innocent. I will always argue that not every male is a lecherous fool. Not every male wants to rape, assault, take. I have and probably will again see women posting questions or support for how to charge and convict a man of rape even though in their post they say they were never touched. I do not support any member of any coalition asking for anything other than equality and a standard and equal platform to jump from. Beyond leaving that platform, our choices are ours SO LONG AS we have TRULY been given an actual and legitimate equal launch pad.

I well appreciate your comments. By this point in my post I am reversing my opinion. Maybe you were not looking to goad me into a trap of an answer. But you know what? I'm leaving my remarks there as my proof to at least myself of my imperfection and my attempt towards civility...I make mistakes

Thanks!

I'm glad you decided to reverse your thought, as my response was not meant to provoke nor corner you. It was intended to make a point that there are individuals who cry for "equal" rights while excluding certain people...which is obviously, far from equality. At times, it appears they see people belonging the the group I described...which I do not fully fall into...as a house they intend to steal from and give unto others. They seem to shy away from this enemy and simply wish to perform a Robin Hood upon them in the name of equality, while leaving them out of the redistribution.

a reply to: WeAreAWAKE

To be honest when I let my guard down and shake hands...I learn

And yes when I got off my high horse ages ago I found that us who are oppress do it as well....it's not helpful to the cause that is sure

thanks again

My dad would always yell (and hit) and then pull the "quit crying or I'll give you something to cry about" line...he had worse lines, such as he would he me so hard I would have to pick myself up off the floor or something like that...he was quite violent back then...