The Spider

I wrote this a long time ago and thought someone might find it amusing...

The Spider

I was sitting in the restroom, reflecting on the days events, when I noticed I was not alone. The stall I occupied was at the end of the room and was larger than the others. It was almost large enough to be two stalls, but not quite. The wall opposite me was roughly ten feet away. At the baseboard in the corner sat a spider. Not one of those skinny little things that looked like it would break if the wind blew. This was one of those big ugly spiders with pointy hairy legs and mirrored sunglasses and tons of attitude.

I watched the spider for a few minutes and it seemed to be watching me too. I didn’t think much of it - as long as it stayed 'over there'. I turned my attention to the roll of toilet paper hanging to my left and started to unwind a few squares to blow my nose with. I tossed a quick glance back toward the spider and discovered that it was not in the corner any more. It was now approximately 3 feet closer, just sitting there....staring at me.

At first I was a little paranoid and thought perhaps the spider had waited until I looked away to make its move. Better judgment prevailed and I realized it was just coincidence. I turned my attention once again to the toilet paper and tore the unrolled squares off. I looked back to where the spider was sitting and found, to my surprise, it was another two feet closer....just sitting there, staring at me....laughing..... It was no coincidence. This spider waited until I looked away to make his move. Fool me once...fool me twice....

I crumbled the toilet paper into a tight ball and tossed it at the spider. My aim was perfect. The toilet paper bomb landed right in front of the unwanted guest who scurried back to his corner with startling speed. I had to admit I was impressed, and more than a little concerned, with the speed of the spider. We sat there for a few minutes, me and the spider, just staring at each other...sizing each other up. I unwound more paper from the roll and used it...without taking my eyes off of the spider. He sat there in the corner...watching...calculating....I could tell he was weighing the odds....

"This is ridiculous", I thought. I can’t sit here all day waiting for a dumb bug. I have to get back to work. I laughed a nervous little laugh and began to stand and pull up my trousers. I convinced myself that the spider and I were going to let each other pass and get on with our lives. I tucked in my shirt, zipped up, and grabbed the ends of my belt when some movement drew my attention away from the task at hand. The spider was now sitting ON the toe of my left shoe...staring at me...laughing....

Now it was my turn to weigh the odds. Just as I came to a conclusion the spider shot straight up my left pant leg. I panicked. As quickly as I could I gathered up the fabric of my trousers and pinched it tight against my thigh to block the spiders upward progress. I figured it would bite whatever it thought was attacking it so keeping it below 'the goods' was of extreme importance. I held the fabric as tightly as I could. I felt the spider run right up to the obstruction and sit there...tapping his foot impatiently, as if he was in the slow lane at the toll booth.

I was trying to think of a plan when suddenly to my dismay I realized I could no longer feel the spider on my leg. It had moved onto the fabric of my trousers and I had no idea where it was. My mind sprang to life with transient nodes of thought that coalesced into a fool-proof plan of action. I slipped my right foot out of my shoe and kicked it aside. Very slowly and cautiously I pushed the right leg of my trousers lower and pulled my leg out. So far - so good. I slipped my left foot out of my shoe and nudged it gently aside. I didn’t want anything getting in the way of the slick maneuver I was about to attempt.

My belt was a heavy leather deal with a big metal buckle. I thought that if I could throw the belt toward the floor as hard as I could, and pull my leg out at the same time, I might be able to get clear of the trousers before the spider could launch his attack. I stood motionless. I took a few deep breaths. I cleared my mind and went to my happy place. I was ready.

I hurled my belt toward the floor and leaped out of my trousers like Baryshnikov catapulting across a stage. My toes were pointed, my body spun in the air, I cleared the trousers and alit a few feet away where I stuck the landing for a perfect 10. I immediately performed a quick check of myself and was happy to find I was spider-free.

Unfortunately, I was now standing in the men’s room of my place of employment in my underwear and stocking feet, breathing hard, and chuckling uncontrollably. And I still had a problem. There was a spider in my pants...laughing at me...

Slowly, ever so slowly, I inched closer toward my trousers, as if I was a lion stalking a great beast on the plains of the Serengeti. I inspected the crumpled trousers as well as I could. No spider. I tossed them gently with my foot. No spider. I hooked the belt with my foot and opened the body of the trousers up and looked inside. No spider. I inspected every inch of the belt on both sides. No spider.

Bravely, I picked up the trousers and looked down the right leg. No spider. I looked down the left leg. No spider. I looked in the pockets. No spider. I shook the trousers violently. No spider. I surveyed the floor from wall to wall. No spider. I did one more check of myself and confirmed I was still spider-free. At last, freedom!

I jumped into my trousers and had them zipped before my feet hit the floor. My hands trembled with excitement but I managed the buckle on my belt while slipping my right foot into my shoe. My heart was beating hard now. I hit the valve on the toilet and giggled with glee as I turned toward the door for the first time since this travesty began. I was nearly there. I laughed out loud as I slid my left foot into my shoe.

And the sneaky little bastage bit me on the toe.

a reply to: Vroomfondel

Doh!

Ahahahahaha! Thanks for the laugh! That was hysterical!

a reply to: Vroomfondel

Great read, and an amazing punchline.

Funny right. As Small as spiders can be they can easily hide under the ground or vanish into thin air and seem to be an illusion or could be real still not onlybthe eyes caught it but as well as the skin felt it. Too much reading of comic books in there I guess. Lol.

Thank you all for the kind words. :-)