Ladies....little help here?

a reply to: DAVID64

I can't say anything about a divorce because I've never been, but I am almost fifty yrs of age and female. I agree six months isn't enough time. Twenty years is a good amount of time to be married.

There are some things about yourself that may have changed dramatically over those years and maybe the loneliness you are feeling could derive from those changes rather than the lack of a partner. Hell, I've been married almost thirty years and a LOT of what I thought I knew of myself has changed over those years. I'd even venture to say that after hitting middle age, half of what I thought to be "me" has been blown out of the water.

Some of your opinions, desires and attitudes might have changed a great deal from who you thought/think you are. I know we all like to think, as half of a couple, that we aren't influenced and shadowed by a long time partner but we are. As the gap of distance from that partner widens, I think you could discover a lot of new things about yourself.

Why go out there "lonely"? Yes, I think being "me" is still going to attract a good lady, just be sure who "me" is. Might attract a whole different partner than one you'd find now

PS Sorry to hear about your marriage but I wish the best to you as you move forward and new people come into your life!

a reply to: DAVID64

It is always best to keep on the safe side. I know of some seriously crazy women so I agree, best to keep somewhere public. Even better if you can get to know someone before the dating stage. Compatibility is easier assessed if seen in a non sexual context.

originally posted by: Theorbme
You are going to have it rough .6 mnths is no where near long enough.You will be comparing every woman to your ex. I'd suggest you build your confidence.work on breaking any bad habits. Take ownership for your breakup.Most of all women absolutely do not find weak men attractive. Make yourself mentally and physically strong.Its very possible that it may be the best thing that has ever happened to you..

There's nothing wrong with my confidence. Just because I don't think I'm Hugh Jackman doesn't mean I think I'm Quasimodo either. "Take owner ship for your breakup"? You mean beat myself up and blame myself? No thanks. It wasn't. "Weak" is not a term I've ever had applied to me, so I don't know where you're getting that.

a reply to: DAVID64

Don't change yourself, not every woman will dig you for who you are but many will.

I have the same problem and I just don't care anymore. I'm 30 and many women my age are incredibly superficial and critical. They want a bad boy (that's not too bad) with a 100K salary and a nice car (but not too nice to give the appearance of over compensating) a ripped body (but not the gross body builder ripped) and funny (not Russell brand funny but Jimmy Fallon funny) and good looking like Ryan Gosling but with a scar.

Me on the other hand, i'm a poor, video game playing, guitar playing nerd that likes heavy metal and science. I'm not exactly Adonis but since I'm not I may as well be Quasimodo. However I have dated older women that see past that and simply want the companionship and see you for who you are, which is why you should be a shoe in.

And if you keep that awesome mustache you should turn some heads. Go get 'em Tiger!

I only have one piece of advice:

Don't let loneliness drive you into the arms of someone you don't belong with

a reply to: Thecakeisalie

As a woman, I can say that it is only the worst sort of superficial women that go for guys like that because they know they are popular with other women they see it as winning, it is just competitiveness, and who wants a guy that comes with constant competition and always on the look for 'better'. Similarly who wants a woman that chooses a guy because they seen it as a competition, a trophy catch.

Decent women ideally want a man they connect with emotionally, personally and physically, one that makes them feel secure, happy and with whom to share life in an enjoyable and peaceful way. My experience of super hot, funny, rich men is that they are players because they can be.

Lifestyle is a major factor also, I prefer men that aren't trying to be 18 any more but also aren't content at staying home 24/7 watching TV/ on the internet or behaving like OAP's. I know of many women that have chosen men that looks wise might not be considered the same standard, but because of the their personalities and because they love them.

a reply to: DAVID64

From one bloke to another my advice would be to not to look for anyone, just have what I like to call 'me' time. When I went through the divorce process (very amicable, we were still friends but our love for each another had faded away) I just went out and enjoyed myself with friends and made 'having a laugh' my mantra for life...One morning (about a year later) I awoke with a slice of pizza stuck to my face (and a massive hangover, it must have been a great night out) and found a strange number on my phone, when I used it the voice on the other end was laughing her head off saying 'hello you drunk, are we still on for tonight? Or don't you remember asking me out?'....We have now been together for nine years and still act like love struck idiots. Don't go a looking for a relationship, enjoy some time for yourself and when karma decides you're ready love will find a way.

originally posted by: thepitpony
a reply to: DAVID64

Double post, sorry

edit on 23-5-2015 by thepitpony because: (no reason given)

originally posted by: CIAGypsy
I only have one piece of advice:

Don't let loneliness drive you into the arms of someone you don't belong with

For more than a weekend of fun.
That is very sound advice, though. God God, I've brought a few home that stayed too long and turned out to be Hell on Earth.
I still have bullet holes in the wall as reminder.

The one you want to be with is the one you want to be with, and I'm not talking about sex. I'm talking about the one you can stand to be with as your friend, best friend, through and through. If you can't like her for more than what she's bringing to your bed, then she's not right.

So don't try. Just find the things you like to do and look for the ladies who like to do them too. Maybe there is one there whose also on her own? Maybe she's the one you can stand to hang out with all the time as a buddy. If you can establish that, then maybe there's more to explore.

originally posted by: ketsuko
The one you want to be with is the one you want to be with, and I'm not talking about sex. I'm talking about the one you can stand to be with as your friend, best friend, through and through. If you can't like her for more than what she's bringing to your bed, then she's not right.

So don't try. Just find the things you like to do and look for the ladies who like to do them too. Maybe there is one there whose also on her own? Maybe she's the one you can stand to hang out with all the time as a buddy. If you can establish that, then maybe there's more to explore.

That may be true for some. I have many dear female friends and would be awkward to have sexual relations with them.
I've been in a few long term relationships that started off like a bomb.
Full monkey on the first night.

a reply to: DAVID64

I understand it's not very romantic to be 'that' way, but honestly, one has to be careful. Then again, I work in mental health and I see women who can pass as "normal" and then they turn intensely psycho, so my view may be somewhat jaded. There's lots of good advice on here, but I believe that an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure....or a restraining order....

a reply to: DAVID64

Give yourself some time. I went through something similar a number of years ago, suffered a terrible loss, went along the route of jumping back into meeting someone to "get over it", went on a few dates before I was finished grieving, and it was mostly a disaster. When I stopped grieving and stopped looking, I met my present wife of 15 years. Its kind of weird, but only when I stopped looking, what I was looking for appeared. There is a period of time we have to go through to heal ourselves, and only when it ends are we ready to continue.

a reply to: DAVID64

Speaking as a lady in your age bracket, the best thing you can do is look for someone who shares some of your interests and be the kind of guy who judges women more on who they are than what they are on the outside.

I only dated a few when I decided to get back out there but when the last one came out and said --via email of course-- that I wasn't pretty enough to be with him, well...

Considering he was a far cry from Colin Farrell, I decided not to bother anymore, figuring I must look more like this than the average size 14 I think I see in the mirror.



Maybe ATS needs a yearly "Conspiracy Match" thread where one can search for companionship based on which CTs and such they find interesting.

a reply to: DAVID64

Just being you is enough. The only issue you may have is you may find it a good thing to push the shyness back a bit. Other than that you seem to have it together enough to start dating. And honestly if that is you in your avatar pick you'll do just fine. Good Luck.

What's the rush? I've made a conscious effort to remain single over the past few years, and while it hasn't necessarily been easy, it has been one of the best things I've ever done for myself.

My time is my time, and whatever money the government decides to leave me with is my money. No one checks up on me every half hour to make sure my penis isn't somewhere it shouldn't be. I'm not being dragged to the movies or to the couch to watch a bunch of nonsense I care absolutely nothing about. I don't have to waste my nights sampling the local cuisine. The words "yes, dear" have been nearly forgotten and it's fantastic.

Anyway. You gotta look on the bright side, brother. I wouldn't be so worried about fixing something that ain't broke.

originally posted by: skunkape23

originally posted by: ketsuko
The one you want to be with is the one you want to be with, and I'm not talking about sex. I'm talking about the one you can stand to be with as your friend, best friend, through and through. If you can't like her for more than what she's bringing to your bed, then she's not right.

So don't try. Just find the things you like to do and look for the ladies who like to do them too. Maybe there is one there whose also on her own? Maybe she's the one you can stand to hang out with all the time as a buddy. If you can establish that, then maybe there's more to explore.

That may be true for some. I have many dear female friends and would be awkward to have sexual relations with them.
I've been in a few long term relationships that started off like a bomb.
Full monkey on the first night.

I'm not saying there wasn't a ton of electricity when my husband and I met. There was.

But at the end of the day, if you and she could never, ever have sex again ... would she still be someone you'd want to spend the rest of your life with?

a reply to: DAVID64


Let me make a suggestion that may help. Been exactly where you are.

Find things you love doing, then join local groups that do those things. You'll get to see lots of people and be able to see people in their natural state ( not drunk and putting on a show).

Here is a link that will help.

www.meetup.com...

a reply to: msfitte

its a good thing he broke up with you! You definitely don't need someone like that!

As a beside, perhaps sometimes people just make excuses, and maybe sometimes they are just weird. Someone I know was dating a girl, rather liked her and all.. and one day she told him that she decided she was a lesbian, and didn't want to date him anymore, because she was going the girlfriend route.

He was a bit on the devastated side, kept tossing it around in his head that something might be very wrong with him.. lol.. He is a very good looking young man who is kind and considerate, and I told him definitely not that there was nothing at all wrong with him, and he did not make this girl swear off all men..

All that to say, sometimes, people are just plain weird. And no, I am sure it wasn't you or your looks - and if it was, then he was certainly not the type you need to be wasting your time on!

My sweet, wonderful husband was dropped suddenly by his first wife after seven years. It took my good man about three years to heal and be whole again. In his story, travel was crucial to making his life his own again. He saved up and spent some time in Central America. Came back penniless but happy.

Make friends. Plan adventures. Have fun. The divorce does not define your future.