What do you say to someone you know who's just been diagnosed with cancer?

It's my nephew, though we are about the same age (he's the son of my much older brother), and we're very close.

He broke the news in a recent phone call...and it's about as nightmarish a scenario as you can imagine. It's cancer of the tongue/mouth; the specialist reassured him he should survive but his tongue and parts of his face have to be removed. He will be hideously disfigured and wont be able to eat or talk normally. He's very down.

I didn't know what to say. I'm going to visit him soon (the operation will be in a week or so).

What do I say?

Get him to record himself saying the 2000 most used words in the English language, that way he can piece together with computer software spoken christmas and birthday greetings etc.

It might seem insensitive but he will thank you for it in years to come that he can say happy eighteenth birthday to his kids.

originally posted by: CJCrawley
It's my nephew, though we are about the same age (he's the son of my much older brother), and we're very close.

He broke the news in a recent phone call...and it's about as nightmarish a scenario as you can imagine. It's cancer of the tongue/mouth; the specialist reassured him he should survive but his tongue and parts of his face have to be removed. He will be hideously disfigured and wont be able to eat or talk normally. He's very down.

I didn't know what to say. I'm going to visit him soon (the operation will be in a week or so).

What do I say?

After a while I said "well that's not good news is it?"

a reply to: CJCrawley

Hi
Sorry to hear that...must be frightening for him. If I were you I would ask him how he is feeling, encourage him to talk through his fears and reassure him that no matter what happens he will get through it and you'll be by his side whatever.


L

Rally around him and be the moral support. The Big-C is a very isolating diagnosis. I'd say more but I don't know him and likely just guessing I'd be 100% wrong!

When a dear friend of ours was given his diagnosis, I went about it differently. Everyone around him was wailing and carrying on....( it was ridiculous & awful) so I went the opposite way and was his "normal". Before he passed he told me how much he appreciated me "bringing the normal".

Everyone is different. Look for what he needs, truly needs & be that for him.

I was a sounding board, I stayed at the hospital & pushed the pain-pump thingy so he could sleep, I listened, I smuggled him in his favorite soda. I tried to be "not an #$*" while everyone around him came unhinged. Mostly I was able to sit with him after hours when the family/friends drama was over & keep him from thinking "jerk brain" stuff.

Your nephew will clue you in to how you can help by just being you.

Plus ask him.....what can I do? Sometimes just listening is more than anyone else will do, ya know? My sincerest sympathy you are both dealing with this.

a reply to: CJCrawley

You tell them to come to ATS and get serious and start reading this

www.abovetopsecret.com...

I'd try this before any western doctor advice.

RR

a reply to: CJCrawley

My wife is a cancer survivor. We fought together her cancer for many years. We still fighting, she will wake up soon and make breakfast, take the kids to school and go to work like everyday.

Fight with all you got !

Note : After the operation, my wife applied fresh Aloe Vera pulp on the wounds. Just peel it and put it for a while. Also very good to blend it with fruits and drink.

I can tell you what NOT to say .... never say 'everything happens for a reason' or 'God doesn't give us more than we can handle'. Sadly, I used to say those things to people, thinking it was helpful. Now that I'm chronically ill, those type of things just tick me off. The best thing ... patience and don't be judgmental when the person has a bad day. Certain crosses are heavy to carry and they can mentally grind a person into the ground.

there is nothing to say so i wouldnt say a thing.

found out my step dad had CML about 7 years ago. ive talked to my mom about it but still have not said anything to him about it.
nothing i can say would make it better so i didnt say anything

Thanks so much for your comments people.

This is a nightmare for me too; I don't know how mentally I will cope with seeing him after the op.

Known each other all our lives and both in our 50s.

a reply to: CJCrawleyman that is brutal. I never know what to say to people diagnosed with cancer despite being diagnosed my self with a brain tumour. I'm angry at my self that I can't find the right words after everything I've been through. My mates found it really tough to talk to me about it, they never knew what to say either, so you certainly shouldn't feel bad about not knowing what to say, too many people say "oh I understand or recount a story about someone they know with cancer or say something glib like "you'll be fine. Lots of people survive cancer now"

These aren't the words people want to hear. I think the best thing to say is something like " I'm sorry I can't imagine what your going through, but I want you to know I'll be there for you whenever you need to talk or need support I love you very much. Be honest explain you can't find the words to say, just make them aware you love them and will help anyway you can and if they want to talk about you'd like to be there to listen. People want a listener not a talker in such times

a reply to: FlyersFan my best friends mum said " everything happens for a reason to me".It made me so angry and upset I wanted to hit her, so your sons fine, I've got cancer and it all happens for a reason. Yeah thanks

a reply to: CJCrawley the only person I could talk to was a trained counselor. I couldn't really speak to my family or girlfriend or friends about it the only place I could go and get everything off my chest was with my counsellor. They are removed from the situation, so you can't upset them or take offence at what they say. It was the only place I could really ball my eyes out, without upsetting anyone else. I'm sorry what your going through, getting to grips with these emotions was just as important as treating the cancer for me. Maybe you should look in to it for yourself and please don't feel bad for doing it, to save your own mentality. In the long run it will make you more able to cope with the huge changes about to take place. Best of luck, my heart goes out to you and your friend

a reply to: CJCrawley

Having experienced this a few of times, including my dad and best friend and step son, I think the best option is to not necessarily talk but DO listen and offer practical help any way that you can.

a reply to: CJCrawley
How about: "I'm here for you." And mean it. Because he's going to need those people who are willing to ride this roller coaster with him.

a reply to: CJCrawley

Tell him that you love him...and give him a listening ear and moral support...do some research on other ways that he will be able to communicate...try and help him to figure out how he can live with these new changes and challenges. Pray for him; hug him...be just a phone call away.

a reply to: CJCrawley

There is little that one can say in such a scenario, other than to make sure your loved one is aware that you will be there for them, and do anything you can to help them get through what comes next.

I wish your nephew the very best possible outcome, from this bloody awful scenario in which they find themselves.

a reply to: CJCrawley

I would say, I'm here for you. Tell me what you need right now,and will need later. I love you and care about you.Tell him any and everything you think you might ever want to say to him. You might not get another chance.

Having been through cancer myself, I can say that you are receiving some good advice in here. Just be there for him with your love and compassion. What he is experiencing is a true horror. My cancer didn't leave me disfigured. He will be extremely vulnerable and surely depressed. Set up some time with him after his operation and he is home. Rent some good movies and just be by his side letting him know you will always be there for him. Keep spending time with him as some people may shy away from him feeling inadequate and not knowing what to say, they may avoid him for a while. He is still the same guy, just a guy who is dealing with a lot physically and emotionally. My thoughts and prayers will be with him.

I would share that my closest friend just cured herself of the most aggressive and dangerous form of skin cancer with pot oil, not the citrus blend in the clinics but the old fashioned street tar and to either get it or make it, and to take a drop internally as well as in the mouth for 3 months. Hopefully take down the tumor before the horribly disfiguring surgery is scheduled. Her surgery was canceled altogether, and doctor in the pre surgery checkup asked where it was. She told him what she did.

She got approved for medical version and took the clinic stuff for 3 weeks telling me it was some kind of watered down citrus type blend of something else, AND it didn't do a thing to the tumor, so she got the real tar again. And its all gone.

Real Love isn't a well wishing, hope you're alright but, tries to find a remedy before the surgery if possible, goes the extra mile and overturns every stone for answers along the way.