am I just paranoid, or is he hiding something

If you have to sneak and see his phone you don't have a boyfriend.

You have a fun buddy.

Cause, if you even feel compelled to look...He's not the one.

originally posted by: hotel1

originally posted by: Midnight13

originally posted by: hotel1
Is your boyfriend an in shape good looker? Was he a ladies man before you met him? Did he cheat on his ex with you before you got properly together? Was he a player with a high notch count. If the answer to any or all of these questions is yes, then the answer to your original question is probably yes, he is up to something.

Very far from it. He's skinny and I'm his first gf. He's had sexual relationships before me, but he was never in a relationship.

Ok, that probably rules out cheating. Just as a thought have you got a significant birthday coming up? Maybe he is planning a surprise party for you. Perhaps he might be about to pop the question in a romantic setting. I suggest this because it is possible that he is being secretive for a good reason.

My bday is in september...idk what else it could be

a reply to: Thisisfun2015

I can see your point. But then if you trust someone all you need to do is ask. If you feel the need to snoop or don't trust your mate, your relationship is probably doomed anyway.

originally posted by: Midnight13

originally posted by: hotel1

originally posted by: Midnight13

originally posted by: hotel1
Is your boyfriend an in shape good looker? Was he a ladies man before you met him? Did he cheat on his ex with you before you got properly together? Was he a player with a high notch count. If the answer to any or all of these questions is yes, then the answer to your original question is probably yes, he is up to something.

Very far from it. He's skinny and I'm his first gf. He's had sexual relationships before me, but he was never in a relationship.

Ok, that probably rules out cheating. Just as a thought have you got a significant birthday coming up? Maybe he is planning a surprise party for you. Perhaps he might be about to pop the question in a romantic setting. I suggest this because it is possible that he is being secretive for a good reason.

My bday is in september...idk what else it could be

Maybe a surprise trip/vacation. Rule out as many things as you can and see what you are left with.

originally posted by: Midnight13
besides...if i ask him, he will just deny it and probably delete his messages and always delete them because I confronted him.

See you already have a gut feeling on how it will go. You know this guy better than we do. So you have answered your own question.

Now you alone must decide what to do with it, stay with someone you clearly can't and don't trust. Or move on and find an adult relationship where you can trust for real.

And to the person who asked if he was a stud before they met, that has no bearing on whether he is a cheater. Non stud type guys cheat as soon as they have an opportunity if they are predisposed to being jerks beforehand it doesn't matter if they are studs or duds all men can cheat if they chose to. Even Howard from big bang has said things like there's just some things you don't do with your girlfriend that you can only do with uhem well I don't think Im allowed to finsih that sentence.

Something is going on.

But that's paranoid and who can know... and people do weird stuff all the time and what stranger on the internet can know my life...

All possible, but still, when you suspect, you're right to... the instinct never lies... unless you're crazy...

But he's cheating.

I might add also, I caught him on an online live chatroom for couples porn. he left the page up on my laptop the next morning and he was in the shower...i got up to check my email, and he was in several chatrooms.

he has an addiction to porn...he even admitted it.

originally posted by: Midnight13
I might add also, I caught him on an online live chatroom for couples porn. he left the page up on my laptop the next morning and he was in the shower...i got up to check my email, and he was in several chatrooms.

he has an addiction to porn...he even admitted it.

That is a red flag in my opinion.

originally posted by: Greathouse

originally posted by: Char-Lee

originally posted by: Greathouse
a reply to: Midnight13

I have to say yes you are being paranoid. The most important issue in a relationship is trust. The most severe violation of trust is snooping. You need to make up your mind whether you trust him or not. Because if you don't there is really no need for relationship.

Unless your relationship is based on openness like mine is. After the past experiences I simply would not have married a man who was not willing for me to "snoop"... my life is an open book to him and I expect the same. If he did not agree he would not have entered the relationship with this acknowledged.

I never could understand the kind of relationship where there is a need for hiding anything.

I base my opinion on multiple failed relationships I have seen. They almost always fall under a trust issue. The first sentence in your reply said you believe on a open relationship. To me that is trust. If my mate was the snoop on me it only implies she doesn't trust me.

I did mean open in as no secrets.. we are very faithful types and do not believe in sharing!

We have a relationship where no one has to worry about trust and considering how many messed up couples there are and the difficulty in re-trusting I am stunned more people are not like us.

We have been married 20 years now and we are very close.

I have a relative whose Mother-in law and Father-in law had a wonderful marriage...or so everyone and HE thought. He came home unexpectedly one day and found the Mother of his two 10 and 9 year olds in bed with another Woman.

TRUST??..overrated IMO openness that is the ticket.
My husband can go through my purse anytime, he can open my mail, he can listen to my calls and check my web browser history after all of these years and knowing we can, we don't, after a few years of openly checking there is no need and we have that trust.

originally posted by: Midnight13
I might add also, I caught him on an online live chatroom for couples porn. he left the page up on my laptop the next morning and he was in the shower...i got up to check my email, and he was in several chatrooms.

he has an addiction to porn...he even admitted it.

I think if this is ok with you that he enters chatrooms on these sites and you already know this, you now just have to decide what kind of relationship you want.

Something I learned during 5 years of difficult recovery from divorce, always tell anyone you date upfront what you can and can live with, what you will not abide in a boyfriend or husband. Be clear and find a true match... don't accept things that disturb you.
There IS a person out there who wants what you want and feels as you do. It takes work finding them.

originally posted by: Midnight13
I might add also, I caught him on an online live chatroom for couples porn. he left the page up on my laptop the next morning and he was in the shower...i got up to check my email, and he was in several chatrooms.

he has an addiction to porn...he even admitted it.

Sounds like he wanted to be caught. Was hinting and wanting you to be interested in such things? And, either he desires to 'get better' with his addiction, or you and him are fine the way things are. So then, either he may be speaking to a real potential candidate to be physically cheating on you, or he may just be dealing with some purely digital relationship. Either way... The entire idea of a relationship, or I should say, a good one, is for you to be building trust and desire for honesty, to such a degree, that you never have to do things like this... that you dont feel any weirdness or badness being like 'whats up with the phone?'... and that if he is the right and good one for you, that he does not desire to be dishonest to you. That you need to lay down the ground rules in a tolerable manner; 'I will not tolerate x,y and z, and I will not be a hypocrite'.

Would you tolerate him talking to females in any capacity at all?

Would you tolerate him having 'phone sex' with females?

Dont let us know, let him know what you will and will not tolerate, and that you do not want to exist in a state of suspicion, that if you have to exist in such a state for so long and so often that you cannot be with him, as you cannot be with him if he hides bad things from you.

It's possible. Since it's a change in behavior it could mean something... or nothing. Although it's just a sliding cell phone does it have any games on it he likes by any chance?

My girlfriend whom I've been with for about three years still doesn't like me using her cellphone for much of anything. Some people are just more protective of it than others. I mean it's like a person's diary.

in the beginning, I was fine with him looking up porn...it's when we got more serious, I didn't like it. I honestly get disgusted with porn, but I didn't want to be one of those gf's who restricts him from it.

I'm absolutely NOT fine with him going to chat rooms and looking up LIVE porn.

a reply to: Char-Lee

Congratulations on your relationship. You said you often wonder why other people don't have your type of relationship. I will agree your relationship sounds like a exception to the rule.

Predominately people that snoop and check on each other have trust issues . This stems from insecurity and if people are insecure in a relationship it is doomed.

a reply to: asmall89

I let him use my smartphone with no problem. I have nothing to hide, and I want him to know that.

I never thought to look through his phone though up until now.

He doesn't have any games...he uses mine to play games.

Trust him. Or don't trust him. Voice of experience says the truth will come out eventually. All asking is going to do is put his guard up. All snooping is going to do, if he's not doing anything, is make you feel like a jerk. And evidence that you don't trust him.

Never understood those who try to justify snooping on their partner. "Well if they don't have anything to hide, what does it matter?" And then they complain when the fed is reading their emails and text messages. To me, justifying snooping in a relationship is justifying your own betrayal of somebody who may not have done anything to begin with.

But, snoopers always have their justifications.

a reply to: Greathouse

Predominately people that snoop and check on each other have trust issues . This stems from insecurity and if people are insecure in a relationship it is doomed.

No, people become insecure, it happens for good reason usually. Openness and understanding of each others learned insecurities is the cure. All trust issue could be cured if people were not afraid to leave no area private but let it truely be we and us and ours, not I and me and mine. The divorces would stop.

originally posted by: Char-Lee
a reply to: Greathouse

Predominately people that snoop and check on each other have trust issues . This stems from insecurity and if people are insecure in a relationship it is doomed.

No, people become insecure, it happens for good reason usually. Openness and understanding of each others learned insecurities is the cure. All trust issue could be cured if people were not afraid to leave no area private but let it truely be we and us and ours, not I and me and mine. The divorces would stop.

I agree 100%. I never understood how some people can claim "privacy concerns" when it comes to someone they are supposed to be sharing their entire lives with. I mean, if it's just a fling or it's short term and you know it, then I suppose I could understand, but then are you really being honest with your partner in the first place?

If you are going to dedicate your life to someone, there should be no problem with them looking at your cellphone. Trust is a 2 way street. If you aren't willing to be open and transparent, you are generating mistrust in your relationship, and have no right to call anyone insecure because of the results of your actions.

a reply to: Char-Lee

From my experience people become insecure from an earlier relationship. Insecurity goes hand-in-hand with low self-esteem which is normally triggered by events during childhood.

originally posted by: Midnight13
in the beginning, I was fine with him looking up porn...it's when we got more serious, I didn't like it. I honestly get disgusted with porn, but I didn't want to be one of those gf's who restricts him from it.

I'm absolutely NOT fine with him going to chat rooms and looking up LIVE porn.

Sounds like he does not even deserve you.

But anyway, you must understand the source of mans sexual appetite.

A very main necessary reason human life exists right now and continues to exist, is because of sex.

Thus, throughout history it has been somewhat of an evolutionary advantage for an organism to desire to have sex, as this yields greater chances of reproducing.

Well the psychology of all this can be truly infinitely deep, but, an aspect that may be relevant is the orgasm as being like a drug. A comforting substance that is always there for one to submit too.

It is interesting you are ok with porn, but not live porn, but none the less.

This sounds like a person who is very addicted to sex, and I wouldnt even be surprised if a large majority of your relationship is based on his desire to have someone to regularly have sex with, as many relationships might find their source in.

Either this person is 'the one for you', and you will tolerate his sexual addictions, or you will attempt to work with him for them to get better, or he is not the one for you.

It is very understandable not wanting your significant other to fantasize about having sex with other females.

It hurts, because we want to be their everything. We get jealous, and imagine that we are not enough, feel as if we are not enough, and the actions are proving that we are not enough. But it is difficult to be enough, understandably. When viewing the relationship to sex as one of desire of chemical and substance reaction. The temptation is over whelming. If a man is able to find one woman beautiful and sexually desirable, it is nearly impossible for those same natural mechanisms of the human sensory system which say 'reproduce reproduce reproduce...that looks like a nice candidate', to find no other female attractive. In this sense, monogamous relationship, especially with one who is addicted to sex, and naturally finds many females beautiful, it is like telling a person who loves fruit, not only can they only pick one type of fruit to eat for the rest of their lives, but that they may only take one piece of that fruit, a nibble on it for the rest of their lives, while existing in a world full of fruit. The outlet of porn, and its ability to sate these infinite desires for pleasure and variety, is an intriguing one. We must admit that we would rather our significant other to sate their desires digitally than physically, but it does seem ideally, our significant other would be strong enough to nearly eliminate their obsessive sexual desires, and be completely satisfied with our physical relationship.